Hoarding behaviour

[D-Lish]

I understand the premise of why people hoard...

 

But my mom drives me crazy with the crap she sollects and never throws away.

 

background: grew up poor. Her famiy had very little. Make sense to me that one would always carry that clinging onto everything you collect after growing up.

 

Fast forward: My mom married a Doc- they have copious amounts of money and properties and disposable income.

 

BUT- my mom hoards everything. Our basement is full of useless, broken kick knacks and phases of collectables.... when it comes to food- nothing ever gets thrown away- rotten or expired or stale.... doesn't matter.

 

My mother will serve stale chips and old dip to guests- and never think twice about it. I moved home recently - and they had had a moth problem in this new house... the moths got into all the dry foods and laid larva.... so everything got sprayed and taken care of.... but the entire pantry is tainted- because mothd lay eggs (or whatever) everywhere. i tried to throw out the stale moht infested stuff in the pantry- and she freaked out and put everything back.... these are food with little moth larva in them, that will never be eaten.

 

I don't get it. Theyhave a beautiful 4500 sq ft home- but it is filled with tacky knick knacks and tainted food.... It's all about the hoarding!

 

If I eat something out of our fridge- she gets upset... "she's saving that cheese"... BUT IT'S MOLDY!!!

 

You should see our basement storage- it's all trinkets, collectables, old tablewear- rugs, whatever you can think of. Nothing gets thrown away- ever....

 

She is rich now- she has everything she could want. They just bought a 10,000$ mirror for the living room.... but she can't part with stale food or rusted trinkets or expired perfume.... or 8track cassettes... or whatever you can think of.

 

I threw out yogurt that had an expiry date of June 15th from their fridge- and she bit my head off and retrieved it from the garbage and put in back in the fridge.

 

Seriously- I get that being poor growing up has an impact. But if you saw my back basement and knick knack explosion in my parents house- you'd be like 'WTF"... "that's weird".

 

My dad on the other hand comes from old family money... so he can buy what he wants when he wants....

 

But my mom's behaviour with the hoarding "waste not, want not" behaviour is hard to deal with.

 

My dad hosted a party last weekend for the AMA (American medical Assoc.).... and my mom served chips and cheese and dessert that was month past the expiry date. She just can't throw anything away.

 

I am an event planner- so I intervened and put out food stuff.... but I just don't get it...

 

Serving chips that are 2 years old to people?????

She's a doc's wife... she cannot pr willnot part with anything....

I don't know what to do about it.

 

It's become a joke- that she does this.... even once gace me a sweater that was a few years old at x-mas.... and it was covered in moth holes. She just didn't even think that it wasn't cool.

 

Hoarding behaviour anyone? experienced it?

[Green]

I see it on tv sometimes. Its interesting, kind of like watching super fat people or other problems that to me seem easy to solve. Your mom has a sickness growing up poor is no excuse. I've poor before and that just means you have to live light cause your always moving... doesn't mean you can collect things. Your mom needs to see a specialist. Are you an only child... your going to have one hell of a trash job when they die. You should just hire proffesionals the dust will be toxic

[ed-205]

Yeah, Hording can be a problem, and in fact can be a behavioral disorder of sorts.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

 

Maybe she needs professional help. I can only imagine the professional embarrassment and troubles your Dad would suffer if a bunch of his guests got food poisoning at the next AMA party...

[Green]

Yeah, Hording can be a problem, and in fact can be a behavioral disorder of sorts.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

 

Maybe she needs professional help. I can only imagine the professional embarrassment and troubles your Dad would suffer if a bunch of his guests got food poisoning at the next AMA party...

 

not to mention the constant health hazards he must have to deal with, all the bugs, and old food she tries to keep and feed him.

[lilbo]

I can definetly relate to what you are going through. My parents were both hoarders, but not very extreme. And my boyfriends mother is a hoarder. My parents would hoard papers, bills files, magazines, junk mail newspapers. After my father died and my mother had a bit of a breakdown and was hospitalized for a few weeks, I went and stayed at their home to take care of my little brother. I couldn't believe how much it had progressed and how bad it had gotten.

 

Well I have seen quite a few things on television about hoarding and sometimes at least it seems to me they get so over whelmed with stuff and they just can't find a way out. I decided to clean her house from top to bottom while she was in the hospital. I found papers (many many ) dating all the way back to 1999 and up. I even found some of MY old homework. I threw bag after bag after bag of all this trash away. When she came home, she was really happy I had done it for her and she has been quite better about it since then.

 

Now I am not suggesting you go through and throw all her stuff away because this CAN backfire. You see after I did that for my mother I thought I could help my boyfriends mother with her house.. And well I was always careful and inspect something before throwing it out(making sure it was definetly trash), and I threw out a lot of her trash and she basically went crazy on me, and almost to the point of breaking down in tears. His mother's hoarding is quite extreme, She got a new house built and set up about 1 year ago, it has 4 bedrooms, She only sleeps in one of them with her boyfriend. She has already filled 1 room completely with utter junk and is working on the 2nd one almost filled. Im sure the 3rd one will be filled within 6 months.

 

This is a very touchy situation and can be hard to deal with. The only thing I can suggest is offering to help her clean it up . Tell her how her hoarding is affecting YOU and the others around her.

 

When you said that about the food that is what has got me worried. Is there anyway you can purchase a cotton swap test? swab the area that she keeps the rotten food, wait for the results and confront her with them. The rotten and spoiled food is hazordous and dangerous to yourself, hers and others around/eating it!

 

I wish you the best of luck

[vintagecat]

Go to http://www.oprah.com and type in the search box on the mid upper right side the word "hoarder" and a 5 part show will pop up that will shock and horrify those that haven't been exposed to hoarding behaviors. It can be viewed online. Perhaps you can rally around family members and friends to stage an intervention for your mom such as this family did for their mother before it gets more out of hand. The food is a real issue as is mold and other things that could be health if not life threatening. Watch the video. It was eye opening and the results were positive. In cases such as these counseling and medication is not out of the question and will likely be necessary to deal with entrenched hoarding obsessions.

 

FWIW, I am a dealer in vintage things normally disposed of in estate sales. I have encountered a number of estates where the children are left bewildered and overwhelmed by a hoarder's mess. Even as a professional I have at times been wholly shocked at the living conditions people will subject themselves and their families to in the grips of their hoarding madness. One estate had an industrial sized dumpster out in the front yard. I arrived thinking "That's a little extreme." but when I went into the house it was floor to ceiling boxes and piles of stuff in most of the rooms except the living room which still was piled high with things and the exhausted children said that they had filled another huge dumpster already and the one in front was half full again. I can't imagine how those people lived as I could still barely navigate around for all of the stuff in that house even after a dumpster and a half worth of pitching. I got into closets (barely) and there were tons of things never worn with tags piled on the floor. The bars were jammed so tight, there probably wasn't a need for the bar. About half the stuff should have been tossed into the rag bag years ago. It was an eye opening experience.

 

Bottom line though should your mother not see the need for change, you can't do it for her. Good luck with this. What a nightmare for you.

[quankanne]

sad but true, and I think it has to do with going without and wanting to ensure they're provided for. Regardless of the fact that the former situation isn't going to rear it's ugly head (for my one granny and my parents, it was the Great Depression).

 

I used to tell my parents that when they died, we were just going to torch their house because of all the crap they had collected. Luckily, my sister and I managed to get out the old/expired/unused stuff so that when we did put the house up for sale last month, there wasn't so much to deal with.

 

the best thing I've found (and it sounds sneaky or deceitful) was to wait until my folks (or my granny) were asleep and then start going through the fridge and pantry and sneaking out the expired food. Because otherwise, they'd do like your mom, retreiving stuff from the trash can thinking they could still use it. I've even cleaned out whole rooms by hauling trash out windows and stuffing it in the trunk of my car so I could dump it in the next town!

 

I don't know what kind of illness it is, but I'm sure there's professional help for hoarding!

 

meanwhile, don't get too freaked out, but just start sneaking stuff out little by little. As for her get-togethers, suggest to your dad that you hire help to cater (or call you to help if you've got the time) so that he doesn't get sued for poisoning people! Just tell your mom that it's her special treat so that she can focus on enjoying her guests and not huge to worry about minor things like serving. You can always purge while she's socializing!

 

good luck, I've been there!

[vintagecat]

Quankanne said. "I don't know what kind of illness it is, but I'm sure there's professional help for hoarding!"

 

Hoarding is sometimes a subset of mild obsessive compulsive disorder, or could be related to repetitious impulse behaviors like eating disorders or compulsive gambling or may be a symptom of depression. Apparently it tends to run in families so there may be either learned or genetic predispositions that are set off by crises like the depression or being extremely poor. Realistically it seems the medical and psychiatric community doesn't fully understand the mechanism, and like all things, it's a fine line between a big time clutter bug, really bad housekeepers, serious procrastinators and the true hoarder. I'd suggest that putting buggy or moldy food back in a pantry or refrigerator is hoarding.

 

Expired food, without evidence of spoilage, that's another story. Expiration dates (unless they are very old or the food has turned) are guidelines. It usually says best by.... Eating something especially dry non-refrigerated type foods a few days maybe even a few weeks after the expiration date isn't likely to hurt anyone. Consistently running past expiration dates but not keeping obviously spoiled food would suggest time/household management issues tied with a frugal (waste not/want not) nature. Keeping moldy, bug infested, discolored, or spoiled foods, that's a different ball game and suggests serious issues. If you can make a dent in a household by taking things out in the dark of night it's either a mild case of hoarding or a disorganized procrastinating housekeeper.

 

Check out a few websites devoted to the problem. I only know this stuff because I'm going through the "change" induced insomnia and after visiting the aforementioned hoarder's overflowing and wholly unlivable home a few years ago and then another a year or so later, I read up on the issue one night when I couldn't sleep so that I can better understand what I might be dealing with when I go into these homes and to be at least helpful to the family members left to handle the aftermath.

 

Again, original poster and all that deal with hoarding, the best of luck to you as hoarding is difficult to treat and needs full family support.

[D-Lish]

Well, at least most of the crap is in the basement- and boxed away.

My dad is very good at boxing things up and stacking old collectibles and junk and putting it away. So the house always looks nice- nothing ever gets thrown out though.

 

The food at the party was really stale tostitos.... like the bag had been opened and left in the cupboard for months.... Usually functions get catered...lol.

 

Basically- the basement is stuffed with crap- but the rest of the house is nice- just a lot of stupid knick knacks.....

 

We tried to have a garage sale this weekend- my dad and I tried to set it up. And she basically had a break down. She put a few broken trinkets- rusty old plates, 15 year old perfume and 2 books in a box that she was willing to part with. And she wanted 5$ for the perfume...lol.

 

It's garbage night tonight- so my dad and I cleaned out the fridge.

And the thing is- she won't eat moldy yogurt in the fridge... but she can't part with it or accept throwing it away. Drives me nuts.

[jerbear]

I know how you feel. Sounds like my grandparents! They were from the Depression and WWII days and hoard, reuse, fix, everything.

 

Really drives me nuts. If something broke, they'll spend money to fix it when a newer one costs about the same. If they can't fix it they store it in the basement.

 

Well I would suggest ways to throw stuff away. Let her go on vacation or away for the weekend and viola.

[Country_Girl]

I know what thats like, my mother is the same way. Our basement is cluttered with useless items, in & out of boxes, stuff that has been sitting there for 20 years (untouched). Even things that are broken (stereos, record players, Beta VCR's). You literally have to make a path just to walk anywhere in the basement.

 

She is the same way with food. In the basement there are 2 industrial sized freezers, filled with frozen food. In the kitchen, the fridge is stocked as well as the adjoining freezer. In the garage is another fridge/freezer combo, stocked as well. Things will get moldy, and it will just sit there. Tomatos will rot in the fruit bowl & aquire fruit flies, and she won't toss it.

 

They have food in the freezer from over 5 yrs ago. Most of it is freezer burn. I don't know how she keeps track of all the food, but if I take "1" thing out of the freezer, she knows it's gone, and all of a sudden, she wanted to eat it that day. I don't even eat anything at home anymore, I'm tired of getting the 3rd degree for eating something when I was hungry.

 

We have had the moth larvae problem to in the past. When my parents finally moved houses she was kinda forced to pitch that stuff. It's discusting. I remember pouring myself a bowl of cereal, started to eat it...then I noticed there was more than just cheerios in the bowl. So, that was the last time I ever ate any dry foods in that house.

 

I don't really understand the hoarding either. My mom was rather poor growing up, but her dad ended up doing well in business, so it was only a short period of time where food might have been scarce. And my dad is pretty successful, my parents live in a $400,000 house, so there's no reason for the hoarding.

[JamesM]

It is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). My mother had it. We could throw nothing out or move anything out of the house.

 

Our garage had bags of garbage in it. My dad would quietly move some into the garbage can every week.

 

Hers went farther though. It also extended to us going away overnight.

 

So, I understand what, but I do not understand why.

 

http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/about-hoarding/hoarding-where-does-it-belong.php

[Lovelost978]

My mom is the same way though it was kept in check for all the years she lived with my dad and then with me. When I moved out to go to college she had never lived alone and she was 49....she cleaned like crazy! Her house was spotless. She had been dating someone for many years but never planned on moving in with him or marrying. They broke up a few years ago and it has gotten progressively worse where you can barely get in the front door...even the sidewalk in front of the house has like stacks of recycling bins..I dont know why you would need more than one...I bet she doesnt even use them. I am 30 and she repeatedly gives me guilt trips that "I" need to come help her clean because a lot of it is my stuff...besides 4 months I lived at home after graduating I havent lived with her since I was 17. I told her I took all the stuff I wanted when I moved out..if I havent wanted it in years just throw it out. We repeatedly argue about this and it causes a lot of strain in our relationship. She even brings stuff over to my house and is starting to clutter it up but if I throw it out she freaks out. I secretly worry I will turn out like her. She even takes stuff out of other peoples garbage...she has a whole bunch of kids stuff she took out of the neighbors garbage and I ask her why and she says for when I have children....ugh (btw she grew up very afluent- her father managed a car dealership and they had lots of money- but her mother was kinda like her and never threw things out)

[Wozzie]

My mother is like this and it is hideous. It is absolutely embarrassing and I won't even let my children go into her home. I cannot believe I grew up in that environment. There is so much stuff all over the place - piles and piles of stuff - you have to clear a path just to get through the room and then move piles of crap onto the floor so you can sit down in a chair. I haven't been in her house in years. It is absolutely nasty (dust, mildew, mold, etc.) She does a somewhat reasonable job of keeping the toilets clean, but what does that matter when the bathroom trash has piled up and is all around the toilet on the floor and stacking up????? OMG, so nasty. I hate it. She refuses to get help, and that is her choice...and my choice is to NOT live like that. It is hard to be the adult child of a hoarder!!!

[ThisGuy85]

I'm somewhat of a hoarder myself, Though not to the extreme like your mother. I have a hard time throwing things out and getting rid of things. I still have shirts from my grade school days (I'm 22 now) They don't fit and are not going to fit ever again,, But for some reason there still hanging in my closet. I hold on to the most random things ie: Phones chargers, Battery covers from TV remotes, I've even got stuff that I Can't remember buying and have no idea what it is or what it does.

 

I guess my mentality is, Someday years from now some one will ask the question: Does anybody have a charger for a nokia tracfone circa. 1998. And I'll be able to stand up proudly and say, YES I DO!

[laRubiaBonita]

I guess my mentality is, Someday years from now some one will ask the question: Does anybody have a charger for a nokia tracfone circa. 1998. And I'll be able to stand up proudly and say, YES I DO!

 

but you will not be able to find the charger... nor will you give it up- just like you will not give it away now- take it to charity.

[SierraRose]

I had a friend. His sister needed "help" cleaning out her house for renonvaions. Ummm, there was nothing but a PATH thru her home. U name it it was there. Magazines, newspapers, unwraped gifts from 5 years prior...OMG...Overwhelming? I'm talking 2 thirty yard dumpsters FILLED with crap!

It's a sickness, that they can't help....