Looks...how much do they matter??

[Mylife]

Quick short story. Well here I am, 19 he is 23. In a LDR...he lives about 6 hours away by car. We met online, have met in person about 4 times now and its been just about 5 months. I love him a lot..and he does too.

 

My parents know about him, but his don't. He says he wants to wait untill he is done school (which will be around april) to tell them. It does make me a a little uncomfortable...but I do want to give him his time and not force him, but also want him to tell them so i feel secure. (Not sure what to do there too)

 

Now the looks issue. I am about 5' 3 slightly plumpy and just normal looking. He is normal looking too, just not the typical guy look. He is about 5'6 and well...kinda skinny and slightly physically weak, stronger than me...but weak for a guy.

 

See thing is...99% of times I find him to be very cute, because I love him. I guess that 1% comes sometimes because people around me tell me all the time, "isn't he kind of short?", "wow he is like skinnier than you". So statements like that make me sad, and these are people that are really close to me and want me to be happy.

 

I know that what is important is the person's personality, and trust me I am head over heals in love with his personality. Mine and his personality click really well. I reallly love him for that and that love makes me think he is super cute.

 

Issue is, he is insecure about his looks too, he doesnt think he is good looking even though I assure him that I really do think he is.

 

But then again that small feeling of him not being the best looking makes me feel sad. And so now I just wonder, how important are the looks anyway?

[TigerCub]

Well here's the thing - I believe that there has to be an attraction to the person you're with, and from what you say 99% of the time you're attracted to him and that the 1% that you're not is due to when people make comments about him, so maybe instead of sweating those people you should stand up for your guy and just tell them to f*ck off.

 

I don't think there is a definite answer to your question because the importance of looks for people differs, so its really a question of how important it is to you..stop carrying about how important looks are to other people.

 

You said it yourself that you're slightly plump, so maybe when your friends say "wow he is like skinnier than you" it makes you feel sad not really because he's skinny, but maybe somewhere deep down you feel bad that you're plump (and I don't mean that in a rude way)...

 

so you need to think hard about how much that 1% bothers you and if it is by a lot, maybe you need to find yourself a tall muscular "Hunter" type of guy with broad shoulders who is really strong.

[bigmanpayne]

this is kinda weird. i never heard of someone being embarrased or sad because their SO was skinner than them. i thought that was a good thing? anyway you only have doubts when others say something. stop listening to other people and just worry about you and him. if people listened to what other people thought, nobody would be together, ever. 99% of the time he is attractive to you, so that is good thats better than what i thought of my ex, lol. there were always times where i thought "she is ugly" and i thought she was hot!! dont sweat it. looks are important if looks are important to you. if not, then they're not... period.

[Mylife]

Thanks for the reply guys

 

Perhaps its true, I do get self concious about my weight when people say that.

 

At the same time, its true that to some degree looks are important to me but then again I am not some model.

 

Thing is, I do still find him attractive because his personality just blows me away. Like if for a second I feel ok...he is not that tall muscular guy, and then if I happen to talk to him...that feeling just vanishes and I am smitten by his personality. I think I am like really attracted to him because of his personality.

 

So I know I should ignore it because I really love him a lot...not sure why it bothers me just that one little bit...strange feeling...

[NewSunrise]

If you can look at your man beside you in bed while he's asleep and you

get a gushy, mushy sigh feeling of how lucky you are to have him, there lies the truth. It is no longer a "look" thing.

 

If you start nit picking at him, either leave and find yourself someone whom you think is "comparably" handsome who might treat you like crap or be alone for now until you get to a point where you don't let your friends judge your choices. Better yet, dump those friends.

 

I think a study was done that when a guy is more attractive than the girl, the guy will likely cheat. When the girl is better looking than the guy, the guy will treat the girl better.

 

But, it all comes down to how he treats you and makes you feel. That is worth gold more than looks.

 

Looks can be adjusted, but personality? Hmmmm.....

[norajane]

Looks are fleeting - they change over time. Lots of guys are skinny when they're younger and they fill out later.

 

Personalities, on the other hand, are forever.

[carhill]

OP, you're real young. The conflict you feel is normal. Perhaps this relationship will be a great vehicle to help you grow this part of your personality.

 

Let me ask you.... what is your first thought, your first feeling, when this young man comes to mind? I'll give you a slightly obscure example....when you see an attractive man and woman kiss, say on TV or at the movies, what is your first thought? Think about that for awhile

[o0oscar0o]

maybe i am off, but i dont think it's so much you comparing yourself to him but listen to society's accepted definition of attractive and its focus on superficial aspects. you see him for who he really is, body and soul. you love that. stop listening to everyone else and listen to what you feel.

 

and congrats btw, sounds like you got something good going on.

[Mylife]

Thanku so much once again...it feels really nice to hear all the advice. I know I am young and very inexperienced in relationships, so it helps loads!!

 

To what some or all of you said, Yes I do realise that looks change over time and right now I do think at my age it is more of a so called "society accepted good looking man." That really sounds pathetic to me, but I think that is what I am doing.

 

But I can in no way give up his personality, he treats me like a princess and just showers me with so much love and so much care. I am very much of the mushy mushy type of girl who likes doing her nails with his name on them and weird stuff like that. And he has actually sat there and painted my nails for me and made like designs and stuff. I know...cheesy, but it felt so good and so loving. He has written me poems, baked me heart shaped cookies with our initials and the list can go on.

 

Someone mentioned if I can imagine myself waking up beside him, I truely can. Just the feeling of sleeping beside him or on his chest gives me those love goosebumps. And whenever I talk to him I feel really lucky to have someone so loving.

 

I think I should give it time and stop thinking what society thinks and considers "acceptable." It should be more about me and our relationship.

 

Oh by the way, I think my friends talk the way they do because before I met him, I talked about my dream guy to my friends. Yes, I fully mentioned his type of personality, but I think they believe I gave much more emphasis on looks, the tall guy with a build. So, I guess they are reminding me of what they think I wanted.

 

But, looks deteriorate and like one of you said, personality stays. I think I should think about that...and stop worrying.

 

I love you guys!! Total strangers, yet so much advice and help. The world is stilll a good place!

[Mylife]

OP, you're real young. The conflict you feel is normal. Perhaps this relationship will be a great vehicle to help you grow this part of your personality.

 

Let me ask you.... what is your first thought, your first feeling, when this young man comes to mind? I'll give you a slightly obscure example....when you see an attractive man and woman kiss, say on TV or at the movies, what is your first thought? Think about that for awhile

 

 

Carhill...its happend so many times. A romantic song on TV, a beautiful love scene...I think of slow dancing with him. Or of kissing him and sitting in his arms.