4yrs married and wife wants to leave. i need input.

[RICKY7780]

things havent been so great for me lately. the problem im having now is that im finding it so difficult to move on and try to keep thoughts out of my head. i constantly think about where my wife is, if shes talking to any guys, i think alot about our past together and all the wonderfula and special times we had together. all these thoughts are eating me alive and for thelife of me i cannot stop doing it. im on the road to recovery but for some reason i feel it necessary to know what my wife is thinking. i feel like if shes thinking about coming back then i will wait for her. but then i think to myself all the wrong stuff she does to me should make me move on but i just cant do it. now yesterday she hit me with teh news that she has set an appointment with a lawyer to proceed with a divorce. i dont know if its true or not, but its what she says. she also said that the lawyer told her that it normaly takes 2 months to start the paper work and go through the process of filing a divorce and that during that time if she decides to back out she can. i then asked her if she thought she would change her mind and she said that she didnt know. she tells me she wants to hug me so bad and make love to me. she says that she misses me and that she loves me so much and is not over me. but then she told me that doesnt mean she wants to be with me. now i see that she knows things can work out and we can fix things but she is making it clear that thats not what she wants. she wants to move on. she wants to be with me but she is making herself stay away from me and stop loving me so she can purposly divorce me and leave for good. why would she do this. what can be causing her to do this to us. why would someone try to make themselves stop loving a person even though they still love them? she swears up and down that its not another man and that there has never been anyone else and that she doesnt plan to find anybody anytime soon. if someone here see things that i dont, show them to me. thanks ppl.

[RICKY7780]

also if anybody know any good books that can help me in this situation and get my head on straight please let me know. at this point i need all the help i can get. thanks ppl.

[soserious1]

She was 17 and you were just 20...married way too young! Ever stop to consider that you're so angry because here you are,married with a kid and that you're waking up and understanding that you've both robbed yourselves of the chance to get out there and see the world, date a lot of different people, finish a higher education and 1001 other things ?

[RICKY7780]

pinktights - what point are u trying to prove to me? he daughter is my daughter. i love them both very much. how dare u question my childs safety with me? i would never lay a hand on my little girl. she means the world tome. i see ur point about that meantal harm i may have caused her, but she to knows with the right help we both can get on the right track. ever since we have been going throug this i have had many arguments with her that in the past i would have laid a hand on her but i didnt. im past that by myself. i will never lay a hand on her again. i realize that with the raise of a hand to her does damage and now realize not to do it. no matter if she admits it or not, she to questions our relationship and wants to come back. but why she doesnt knowing that we do have help is just wierd to me.

 

soserious - i see ur points also. trust me she has brought that up to me before. she feels that she made a mistake marrying young. at first when she left she said it was because she wants to be single and live the young single life. but just like me she has the love and has told me that she will never forget our love. therfore i feel like in the future we will be together. but what im trying to prevent is if that does happen i dont want her to be with other guys and do things i dont want her to do then expect to come back to me. it will kill me knowing that she has been with other ppl. i for one dont feel the need to be single, i like to be loved and have that special someone with me at all times. so i have no living to do. i just want to be settled down and be loved and love someone. i just feel like she is making a mistake and want her to give us another chance and gt counseling together before she continues this path and really does something that she might regret and will make me hurt bad if we ever get back together.

[soserious1]

Right.. afterall being married and having a child stalls your life, meaning you can no longer LIVE! LOL.. I've traveled tenfold and "saw the world" AFTER I had children.. is there a law that one cannot get a "higher education" after popping out a kid? Oh, I was unaware of that.. You must be VERY young to have such ridiculous and naive ASSumptions! he can date if he wants... doesn't look like he wants to! And you know what? He should not date anyone until he can control himself!

 

In general children do better when reared in 2 parent homes where both parents have completed their college educations, have stable careers, a bit of money saved and have seen enough of the world, dated enough people to feel they've sown their wild oats and are ready for the nest building, family and child centered lifestyle. This is not to say that young families never work but that when they fall apart youth,life inexperience and poverty are often major contributing factors.

[Ronni_W]

also if anybody know any good books that can help me in this situation ... at this point i need all the help i can get.

Ricky, when you went to your local bookstore or library, what books appealed to you? Those are likely the ones that will serve you well.

 

If you haven't already looked for your own books, therapists and support resources, then you aren't doing enough for yourself -- and it is to that which your wife will react -- at some point, you need to take ACTION, primarily for yourself but it likely also will be the only thing that might influence your wife to start looking at you with different eyes.

 

It really is YOUR responsibility to take an active role in getting yourself the help that you know you need, and it's something that being spoon-fed will not serve your own long-term best interests.

 

If you prefer to check for books on-line, search general terms like 'anger' and 'divorce'. Even 'emotional healing' or 'emotional fluency'. And, again, just trust your gut as to which books will work best for your current mental and emotional needs.

 

Sending hugs and positive vibes.