problem

[Linda]

My boyfriend is unaffectionate. His mother was cold, spiteful, manipulative, and unaffectionate, and I think it's rubbed off on him. He thinks so too, as he wants to be nicer, but just can't seem to get over the barrier. What can he do?

[Tony T]

In his homelife, he did not have an affectionate atmosphere for an example. How you are raised is an important indicator of how you will be throughout life. He would probably get along perfectly with someone like his mother...and there's no shortage of those around.

 

Solution: Sit with him and talk about the problem. Then suggest you spend five continuous minutes a day for one week simply kissing, hugging, etc. The following week, spend ten continuous minutes. The third week, 15. Don't just limit to kissing, hugging, etc. Show him how to express affection to you in whatever way you like.

 

In the fourth week, break the sessions up into five minutes twice a day...go to a park or field and pick flowers together. In the fifth week, ten minutes twice a day. Do something romantic like walking downtown or some special place after dark, hold hands, smooch a bit.

 

In the sixth week, each time you see him, give him a kiss every 15 minutes and ask that he return it. Let him know that expressing yourself this way is the most sincere way of showing you really care.

 

My guess is that this guy is absolutely starved for affection and doesn't even know it. You may create a monster, so beware!!!

 

Keep this going until the problem is cured. Make him feel special and let him know that in healthy families, affection is a genuine way of expressing love and fondness, something he got little of at home.

 

This process is called systematic learning. It takes a long time because he must learn an entirely new behavior that is quite foreign to him. Even if the two of you don't stay together, this will be very helpful in changing his life for the better.

 

If he won't go along with the process or a suitable alternative the two of you agree on, go find an affectionate guy. For someone who needs to have expressions of affection, love and fondness, a cold fish can make for a very empty life.

 

I've heard of women wanting to change men, but you really love challenges!!!

[Shirley]

My boyfriend is unaffectionate. His mother was cold, spiteful, manipulative, and unaffectionate, and I think it's rubbed off on him. He thinks so too, as he wants to be nicer, but just can't seem to get over the barrier. What can he do?

Hi!

 

He can't be taught affection simply by talking about it. He has to be shown what affection really is. You will have to be the teacher for right now. He doesn't need to get over any barriers. He just needs to learn what affection is. Right now he doesn't know.