Worrying over nothing or ignoring the signs??

[Mineko]

Okay, so there’s a few things I need to get off my chest; I’ve never really been the jealous type before so I’m not sure whether these feeling are for a reason or me just being paranoid- I’d really appreciate any thoughts/advice on my situation as it’s driving me crazy at the moment- it’s all I can think about.

 

I’ll start by telling you the background- my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months, it’s been pretty intense and we share a house together now; it seems early on in the relationship for that but it was more a convenience of circumstances that we ended up living together rather than wanting to play happy families but we do enjoy sharing a place. He’s 5 years older than me but age has never been a problem and he seems very much in love with me- he’s told me that I am the one he would like to marry and he can see us having children etc, the whole works

 

A few things that have been getting to me lately is that he spends a lot of time on Facebook looking at the profiles of pretty girls and looking through all of their pictures; I know he’s allowed to look but when he spends so much time looking at them and they are all so gorgeous, it just makes me start to question myself and start to feel crap. I know this is my insecurities though and that I guess really, he’s doing nothing wrong. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman] He also talks about his ex girlfriends a lot which worries me because they all seem to have had so much more in common with him than I do and from what I’ve seen, they are very pretty too. He often mentions how the relationship was “so passionate and intense” with one of them and that the other “broke his heart because he was so in love”- he is very honest about his feelings and past relationships but I don’t think I need to hear it. I’ve told him that I don’t enjoy listening to stories about his exes, he said he’d stop but it’s as if he can’t help himself!

 

Just lately, he’s started staying up really late at night on his computer; he used to come to bed with me but now he’s up until the early hours on the internet. I asked him what he was doing til that time and he just gave me vague answers like, “oh nothing, just browsing”. I didn’t really buy this because browsing til 4am can’t be that much fun so one day whilst he was out, I took my opportunity to look at his recent history on his pc. I know this was wrong of me and now I’m regretting it because I can’t talk to him about my findings and settle my doubts because I know it was bad of me to look. I was just so curious though and had the feelings something wasn’t right. Anyway, when I looked I saw that he had been messaging the majority of his exes, most of it was just general small talk finding out what they were doing now etc which I have no problem with but then one of him was sent to the girl he talks about the most and it said that he ‘missed her face so much’- this is the same ex that I found out he was arranging to meet for drinks a few weeks ago but when I made a fuss he said he’d cancel it and I have no reason to doubt that he didn’t cancel it but here he is telling her how much he misses her. Isn’t she an ex? Why miss her and why so much when he has me? It made me feel really crap.

 

Also, I found that he’d been looking at loads of porn; this isn’t an issue because we both enjoy porn but tit’s the fact that he’s gone off sex with me lately. He told me it was just down to stress, I said “oh, I bet you’re still looking at porn though- is it just me you’ve gone off?” he insisted that it wasn’t anything to do with me and he hadn’t looked at any porn because he’d just totally gone of sex lately. But then, here he is looking at loads and loads of porn at night, after he has rejected my advances and left me in bed alone! That made me feel really crap, like I wasn’t turning him on anymore and he was having to go elsewhere.

 

Lastly, I saw that he had been visiting this website where married people or people in a relationship can find partners to hook up with for casual sex or cybersex; he’d not just gone on it the once either. He is also a member of another site like this but I know about it; he created his profile before we got together for a laugh and told me he still keeps it just to laugh at the old, desperate women who send him messages but he checks it pretty regularly and now we have been together so long I think he should delete it- whether it’s a laugh or not, I don’t think he should be on there anymore.

 

So, there’s my long boring story- do you think I have any reason to worry? He is a good guy and before these discoveries I’ve had no reason to doubt him but now they are there, I can’t get rid of the suspicions in my head!!

[The Collector]

I'll score each red flag out of 10. 1 is not worth worrying about, 10 is he's a no good, cheating, pants on fire, kick him to the kerb douchebag.

 

Looking at Facebook pics of other women. 3/10

Looking at porn and not satisfying you sexually as a result - 4/10

Talking about his ex-gfs a lot even after you asked him not to - 3/10

Telling his ex he missed her face and arranging to meet without telling you - 6/10

Belonging to not one but two sites for people in relationships to cheat - 11/10!!

[Mineko]

I don’t know if BELONGS to both sites, I just know he has a profile on the one he registered with before we met. Also, I know some of the stuff is only small and I shouldn’t worry; it’s just there’s a collection of little worries and when you add them all up it turns into a massive doubt. I think this issue is probably more to do with me, my self esteem and jealousy but if anyone thinks these are genuinely worrying signs then I’d like to know.

 

Thank-you for rating my issues, it was a good way to make me see how pointless some things are in comparison to others which really should perhaps alarm me much more.

 

How do I approach him about these subjects though when I was the one who invaded his privacy on his pc? I know he will go mad and it will turn the whole argument around into me being the bad guy and I won’t have a leg to stand on because it was wrong of me! Ahhhshdodwhsjshjsdfjsdk, so difficult! I wish I had never looked, I think in some instances ignorance is bliss, but when you love someone so much and you get the idea they might be cheating on you- it’s too compelling not to find out!

[EnigmasMuse]

IMO, he is NOT ready to be in an exclusive relationship right now. Other things are more important to him, and he is making that pretty clear. Stay or go, but it wont get better right now as long as his attention is elsewhere. To me people like that, don't need to be in a relationship until they are truly ready to commit themselves to the realtionship. As far as how to approach it with him, you don't. He will more than likely just hide the things he is doing and not stop just because you know. Either you move out or have him too.

[audrey_1]

IMO, he is NOT ready to be in an exclusive relationship right now. Other things are more important to him, and he is making that pretty clear. Stay or go, but it wont get better right now as long as his attention is elsewhere. To me people like that, don't need to be in a relationship until they are truly ready to commit themselves to the realtionship. As far as how to approach it with him, you don't. He will more than likely just hide the things he is doing and not stop just because you know. Either you move out or have him too.

 

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Nothing you say or do will make it better. I am in a very similar situation.

[Lucky_One]

I would just come clean and say that you looked at his computer history bc you were feeling insecure bc of some things that were happening in your R.

 

There comes a point where a downward spiral has to be stopped, or the force of its own gravity will kill any attempt for upward momentum.

 

He is lying to you. You are now lying to him and checking up on him. I would tell him what you read, and ask him to be honest with you.

 

As half of a committed relationship, it is OK to tell someone that 1) their behavior bothers you and that 2) continuing the behavior is a dealbreaker. His membership and visiting sites like AFF is unacceptable behavior for a healthy relationship. If he refuses to stop seeing them or if he doesn't delete his profile, then you know what matters more to him. Granted, he could go deeper underground and lie about his activities even more, but then that tells you something, too.

 

Good luck.

[manugeorge]

These "little" things add up my dear, please don't ignore them. Ignore the red flags and you will surely get your ass handed to you by a liar and a cheat.

 

I'm speaking from experience. After he had cheated on me with several of his myspace whores, I finally realized that there were so many redflags from the very beginning that I minimized and rationalized away.

 

Please pay attention.