Husband stays out all night with friends

[jviolet]

On weekends, usually on Friday and Saturday nights my husband likes to go out partying all night with his friends and does not come home till the next day after 10am or later. He does this at least two times a month.

He works all week Monday to Friday from early in the morning to late in the evening so the only time we have to spend together is on weekends.

It makes me feel very angry and depressed when he does this as I feel he is ignoring me and the kids. We been together for 16 years and we have been married for the last 7 years and we also have two kids age 9 and 6.

I have tried to talk to him about his behavior several times and we always just end up arguing and he always ends of telling me that he has every right to go out partying all night if he wants to. As well, he tells me it's better for him to stay at a friends house for the night rather than drive home drunk. Also, many times he ends up going out to parties that we have both been invited to as a couple and if we can't find a babysitter for the event he always goes to the party without me and leaves me home alone with the kids. Then he makes me feel worse the next day when he wants to tell me about the party I missed and how everyone at the party said to say hi to me. I am fed up with his behavior, but I'm not sure what to do about it since currently I'm not working & we're married with two kids.

[GreenX]

He is being selfish. Do you ever get time to go out and have fun? How would he feel if you were the one going out partying every weekend? I can understand an occasional 'boys' night out but if it's happening that often I too would be highly p'ed.

 

He works all week so does he even spend time with the children (or yourself)? A schedule needs to be set in place because he does work all those hours during the week and he needs to figure out a way to balance family, work and play. He can't just play and work. He has a family and he needs to realize that.

[SoleMate]

I'd like to give you some helpful advice, but I have to admit I don't have a lot of great solutions and techniques for how to be happily married to someone who is selfish, treats you with cruelty and disdain, and chooses to determine the parameters of your relationship unilaterally. The type of behavior you describe probably didn't just pop up suddenly - he's been practicing and displaying it for years and probably first honed and perfected it on a kindergarten playground somewhere. Therefore, it will not be changed suddenly. Perhaps your approach is one of the options below:

 

* Accept him more or less as is and work your life around him. E.g. YOU make the effort to find a babysitter, or arrange a babysitting co-op, so you can go to all those great parties with him (and then get ignored by him during the party)

 

* Move towards ending the marriage and finding yourself a better deal somewhere else

 

* Actively engaging with him to get him to change his behavior. How?????? Hmmmmmm....maybe confrontation, arguments, ultimatums, etc.? The problem is that you can't enlighten the unconscious.

 

I feel for you.

[Lucky_One]

Make a deal with him that for every night he goes out partying until the next morning that you get the same chance.

 

And then go out. He stays at home with the kids, he gets up wtih them, he fixes their breakfast.

 

And then go home, and tell him now much fun you had.

 

This is unacceptable behavior for an adult who wants to maintain a healthy R. He is abusing your situation.

[jviolet]

Thanks for all of your replies! You've all given me a lot to think about.

This has been going on for years and in the past I've tried going out and leaving him with the kids, but one of the problems I run into is that all of my friends are married and actually have good relationships where their husbands want to spend time with them. So my married friends are unwilling to get together with me for a girls night out on the weekend since their spending time with their husbands. Anyways I feel that I've put up with my husband's immature behavior long enough and if he continues to be unwilling to change then our relationship will be over........

[EnigmasMuse]

Yay this has been going on for years? Stop enabling his behavior. I did not say you caused it. There is a difference. Enabling or allowing it, means you continue to stay in a situation where he feels its ok to do this over and over again. Perhaps he doesn't really understand how much he has to lose? Never give out an ultimatium you can't follow through on, or he will think you're blowing in the wind. If he continues to disrespect you by doing this over and over again knowing how you feel, then one of you might need to just leave. I'm not saying that is a fix all or the answer, but it might wake him up to know how serious you are. If it doesn't then you have your answer as to what's more important.

[ladyintights]

Geez,dont you have any single friends who like to go out and have fun for a change? or have your friends not been married long enough or not allowed by their husbands? its hard to believe none of them want to let loose with their gfs.

[JackJack]

Tell him since "he has every right to go out with his friends alot" then you have every right to kick his ass to the curb if he doesn't want to do his share in the relationship.

 

I didn't say he couldn't go out with his friends sometimes, just like you can. But this seems like alot and he is putting the soul resonsibilty of you taking care of the kids and doing everything else on you. He seems irresponsible to me, and that he hasn't finished sowing his wild oats, which should have been done before getting married.

 

Would he care if you went out on Friday and Saturday partying and didn't come until 10 the next day? What could he possibly be doing to stay out that long? Or do you have some idea what that might be? Where is he staying when he doesn't come home til the next day?

[Lizzie60]

Hum... this is not looking good.. to be honest with you.. I don't think he will ever change.. no matter what you say or do.. he simply do NOT respect you anymore.. and doesn't give a cr8p about you...

 

So, my advice: your goal now should be to get ready to move out.. first, get a job... save some money... in the meantime, you should take some classes, in order to make new friends.. go back to school (evening classes) whatever you need to make friends and get out of the house..

 

Your kids are getting older now.. so they don't need you around as much.. now is the time to look after yourself.. you've sacrificed yourself waaaay too long for your jerk.. now it's time to think of you..

[happyorb]

When you write this:

 

He works all week Monday to Friday from early in the morning to late in the evening so the only time we have to spend together is on weekends.

...it sounds like he's having an affair. But when you write this:

 

Then he makes me feel worse the next day when he wants to tell me about the party I missed and how everyone at the party said to say hi to me.

It sounds like he's actually just going to parties.

 

If he's having an affair, then that's a betrayal, and that's at least grounds to compel him into counseling, and probably a divorce is an option there too. Since you're a stay-at-home mom, you'll get some compensation in divorce court. So you don't have to be cowed into staying married. You'll certainly have to make do with less, though.

 

But if he's "merely" attending parties, being drunk/stupid, and generally being selfish, then you have something to work with. You can do as others have said and demand equal time out. From what you've said, it sounds like he's actually gone along with that, but you just didn't have anyone to go out with. In that case, easy solution -- go to meetup.com or groups.yahoo.com, find people in your area, and go have fun. You don't have to do what he does. If you're more comfortable at the movies, go do that. If it's the principle of the thing, go stay at a sympathetic friend's house for the night. Play some card games with them or hang out. After you do this a few times, it may be that your husband is more cautious about how often he goes out. He may prefer to not watch the kids alone.

 

However, it can backfire if he's fine with you going out. But the good news is that then he's not as much of a jerk. It means he's fine with equality, and you just have to get some new, fun friends.

 

You can also let him know that your feelings are getting hurt and you just might need to talk with a friend about that. The implication is that all those friends at the party that tell him to say "hi" to you might give him a cold shoulder if they hear that his arrival is an indication that he's uncaringly ditched his wife. You could see how he behaves after some of his friends reproach him for his behavior.

 

However, that can backfire too. If he's ever been a violent man, talking about your hurt feelings to someone he knows will definitely unlock the rage. It can also go the other way and depress him into avoiding all your mutual friends forever. But in general, the few times my own wife has done such a thing to me, it has resulted in my behavior changing. Third parties are pretty good at putting things into perspective.

 

Speaking of third parties, you can go to counseling over something like "he's selfish." You have to be very careful though. Someone in my family is a shrink, and I cannot tell you the number of times they've had one person come in with a boatload of accusations only to be surprised when it got all turned around on them. It's easy to think your spouse does everything wrong (and in this case it sounds true) but sometimes you get surprised when the shrink says something like, "Sounds like you've both done a lot of damage here." So if you go down that road, be prepared to make some concessions.