Abuse In Family-Deeply Unhappy

[temp_clipped_wings]

Hi everyone, my birthday was on the fourth of September. Im 21 now and honestly I can now see why people commit suicide. We have 5 bathrooms at home and I mainly used two of them. Recently i.e. about two months now I have started to use one bathroom at the furthest point upstairs of my house. ON my birthday my mother comes to me and says "You need to clean the bathroom that me and your sister use."

 

I say "How can I clean a bathroom that I dont use?" Bear in mind its ok for my sister to ONLY clean the one she uses.

 

She starts to rant and rave. Now fast forward to the night of my birthday and she comes to me again with the bathroom cleaning argument. I tell her point blank im not cleaning anything that I didnt help to get dirty and she tells me she is locking ever bathroom so that I will be forced to used the one im trying to clean.

 

I have a new job now part-time and the next day I head to my usual bathroom to bathe and get ready. She was in a room beside the bathroom I went to with listerine in her mouth gargling in front of a mirror in her room. As soon as I pushed the bathroom door she runs out of the room SPITS the Listerine on me and then a clump of saliva after the Listerine. She tells me that she told me that I should not use any other bathrooms and I should not have come upstairs. I ignore her and she pulls me by my hair and begins to hit me in the face viciously.

 

I hit her back and she is bigger than me so I get beat up pretty badly as in I have scrapes on my nose, the left side of my face, my arms and neck. I had to scream for my father or I would have ended up worse off. My mother then calls two neighbours over and tells them dirty things about me and the neighbours start to chastize me. She then calls all our relatives and many of her friends and tell them about me.

Voicemails are left saying "There is no blessing for a child that hits their Mom" etc. etc.

 

I could not go to work on Friday due to this whole drama, I was embarrassed and disgraced. Plus I was bruised and bleeding.

I went to the hairdresser on Saturday and immediately everyone asked me what happened why am I cut up like this. Who and me were fighting etc.

Now today I am patiently waiting for my mother to leave so I can get ready for work. As she leaves my father comes in and starts to say "It stands to reason that you attacked your mother....."

 

He then starts to hit me in the face and uses some of my shoes to hit me. The holds me by my hair and hits me in the stomach and claims he is going to call the police to drag me out. Right now the right side of my face is swollen and im in pain. He keeps saying that he wants me out, they all are saying they want me out. My neck hurts, my side hurts everything.

I dont deserve all of this and wish I had somewhere to go but I dont. I really dont understand what is happening as ive said repeatedly I give no trouble in real life I keep to myself and am just always in my room and try my best.

 

How can you be arguing with someone who does the most chores about cleaning a bathroom that they no longer use? I would do everyone's washing and ironing in the past and that lasted for a year and a half. I have just enough money to get a place BUT that's just enough I lost like 3/4 of my money in an investment scheme and really just recently am starting over.

 

What have I done to deserve this? If you see me now I look terrible im bruised and scraped up so im unable to go to work again plus my eyes are red from crying.

 

Everyone is saying that im this and that because my mother has told them a lot of **** about me.

 

I need a permanent job but im just not finding one. When my father dragged me by my hair and put his knee on my hair now when im combing it im seeing breakage.

 

What is happening to me could not be right.

I have no friends, no boyfriend, no permanent job and now this.

What have I done???

What have I done???

 

Plus even if I get my own place it will not be in a good area and I cannot see myself living in a ghetto.

Now to add to this my father is on the phone with my mother who claims she is going to call the hairdresser to curse her since I mentioned its obvious who the attacker was based on my cuts and said the hairdresser agreed.

 

Could my life get any worse? I dont think so, I wish I were dead honestly I do.

 

I am not suicidal I dont have it in me but I wish I were dead.

 

Near my right elbow I have a bruise from Friday and since this other attack today the scab has come off and now its bleeding again. I simply look horrible and cannot go to work or anything.

 

Why am I in this position? I try to be good I have never done anything ill against anyone. I am always alone, I feel pathetic and depressed sometimes having no life etc. I cant handle this added stress.

I dont think this is fair at all and im so confused.

What is happening in my life is unfair and I dont deserve this.

 

Let me tell you what is the real issue here is since I dont have a permanent job and my sister goes to school from 8:00-3:00 pm and my mother goes to work from 8:00-5:00 pm and my father goes to work plus is a male since im the only female with an irregular schedule im supposed to be doing the most house work. Still I have a part-time job and I still leave daily to do other business. I would have had no problem cleaning the bathroom but why is it that I am supposed to clean up after them and being ordered to. Why am I being told to do it in this manner?

 

I am so unhappy words cannot express.

 

This guy I know lives in a house with three rooms in a not so good area and im honestly weighing my mind to take one of those rooms. My problem is where would I store my goods? I would be afraid that I would get robbed or be tragetted. Plus I dont have a car either so...

 

I mean even on my birthday my mother sent me a happy birthday TEXT, my sister told me and my father did not tell me anything. No one thought to buy me a cake which I always made sure is ordered for them on their birthdays. My father nor my sister didnt get me anything my mom got me a gift basket.

 

A couple weeks ago out of the blue my mother took up a bracelet she bought but have been wearing for the past YEAR and a pair of earrings for no reason and just said "Im tired of you wearing these now."

 

I remember my ex-boyfriend had asked me to move in with him. He wasnt right for me but I swear if he asked me to move in now I would go.

 

I really wish I had someone to talk to but I have no friends.

I feel as if though I could type forever as my tears are just pouring.

 

Please advise thank you.

[vintagecat]

I have a very busy day today so I'll get back to this soon. First you never invest any money before paying for food, lodging and other basic necessities and then only a small portion of what you have. If the term scheme automatically appears behind the word investment in your description it's bad juju. Lesson learned.

 

Second: You know this but you are rationalizing: You need to move out and sooner, not later. I moved out of my parents house at 17. I lived in what at the time was essentially the barrio a few blocks from the worst of the ghetto and looking back on it, not a good neighborhood at all. I had a minimum wage job, a high school education, no skills, no money, a car that barely ran and half the time didn't but I found a way to make it work.

 

Story time: The economy isn't that much different now than in the 1970s (God I'm getting old) when I left home and minimum wage was $2.35 an hour. The mid 70s (like now) was at the end of a several decades long real estate market appreciation run and rents were high for income levels especially at the lower end. We were in a recessionary economy and in fact work was hard to get and tended to be "junk" jobs like fast food or housekeeping positions but hey it payed the rent. My rent was $300 (in the barrio) and I split that with a roommate.

 

Given that I made only $250 to $280 after deductions a month, I lived life close to the bone for a few years getting started but I learned a lot of things about taking care of myself and how not to when my roommate who was a flake, earning more than I was couldn't balance a bankbook and ran out of money all the time leaving me with bills or shut-off notices and never had anything to show for her labor but hangovers and party friends.

 

At some point in those types of "adventures" cleaning bathrooms that you don't use will seem like a small consideration for a decent living situation (but never the physical, verbal or emotional abuse) and I'll let you discover that for yourself. My point to this eye rolling travel down memory lane (of walking to and from school in a blizzard, 10 miles snow to the chest, uphill both ways like my father used to tell to my eye rolling) is that it can be done. It was done then, it can be done now.

 

Trust me on this one issue: If you have the will, the drive, the courage and the perseverance you can build your life and a darned good one out of the dust and what you possess as a human being. It's up to you though. There is no magical answer for this situation just a couple of years of hard road but at the end of it, if you do well, you will discover that you have the capacity for doing whatever, being whoever, living wherever you want and that's where life really begins. That kind of life is really yours, not something stumbled upon or a life someone gave to or made for you that doesn't fit or suit you.

 

However, if you instead choose to concentrate on how unfair life is and what you don't have that others do (including your sister) or the things that haven't worked out for you in the past, and how things should be rather than how they are, you may find yourself wallowing in your pity party 5 years from now still battling your parents for autonomy, having done nothing to advance your own cause, a loser in training.

 

Start today by looking in the room mates wanted classifieds on craigslist or whatever the venue is in your area. Choose the situation, don't just slump into something that won't work out for you in the end just because it's easy. Get out there and start your life. 21 is too old to be suffering at home without a plan.

 

Get a collection of part time jobs until you can find a more permanent situation. Take night or day courses, get a trade, hairdressing, nursing something. Get a degree. Take the federal or other civil service exam. Think about the armed forces. Getting an education can be done part time and on your own without financial assistance and without living at home. Get a good bicycle or small scooter and/or live near public transportation to get around. There might be a "live-in" situation that may suit such as childcare or domestic help of some type that may the foot out of the door that you need and will suit you. Whatever you do think and choose.

 

I know I sound hard on you and I feel for you, really I do, and I was in pretty much exactly your shoes at one time around 1975` but you need a pep talk and tools to get you out of there not commiseration. Best of luck to you.

[temp_clipped_wings]

Good post and advice vintagecat I appreciate it.

Uhh I know I sound like a big loser and maybe people think im uneducated but im finished with college now and have a Bsc. with honors in Business Management. I was/am planning to pursue a MBA actually. Yeah so as you can see im really unlucky since eve with a degree I cannot find a permanent job

 

I agree I need to have the courage to move out im looking into a place now but I dunno im afraid of leaving and afraid of the area.

 

As for the collection of part-time jobs just because I didnt want to ask for money from parents and they were not offering I had two part time jobs already and had a part-time job since I basically step foot in college.

[vintagecat]

Well then take the leap and get out there. Feel your fear and then do it anyway. Make as solid a choice as possible given your financial and other limitations and make your move. You are either going to continue to suffer at the hands of impulse control deficient parents or you are going to master your fears and get on with your life. Yes leaving home and the change it entails is scary but once you get over the hump it's exhilarating. The choice is yours and you might also find doors opening to you once you get some "life" under your belt. Employers aren't just looking at the education box but the whole package.

 

Again best of luck to you. Gotta go.

[nleeh]

Great advice vintage cat. One more thought is, if you don't like the area you are considering moving to and even if you may have to move there for the present time, start putting out resumes for positions in other areas or other states. And I'm in agreement with the advice already given...pitch in on more housework for now even if you feel it isn't fair.

[Fun2BMe]

I think you sound very stubborn and lazy and I can see where your family is coming from. Why can't you just clean the bathroom and get it over with? Your schedule is the most schedule, you have the most time - and I understand you work part time - but everyone else is working, going to school. BIG DEAL if you don't use that bathroom. DO you also refuse to wash dishes you didn't use? It just shows a lot of disrespect and rebellion to be that stubborn on a simple request. All you have to do is clean the bathroom and none of this would happen. Are you that spoiled and stubborn and difficult to get along with????????????? To the point you'd rather move in with an ex boyfriend, make your parents really angry at you and hit you when all you have to do is CLEAN THE BATHROOM. sheesh. Maybe you should have some humility and clean all 5 bathrooms.

[FlyingToaster]

I see some point to what all of the above posters have said. If you don't feel safe and secure where you are now, you need to pack up your stuff, take a deep breath, and walk out the door.

 

And yes, it does suck having to clean a bathroom you don't use, but like Fun2BMe said, there are times when life is unfair. However, you still didn't deserve to be spit on and beaten. THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THAT!!!!!!

 

If you choose to stay, you probably will be doing more chores, etc. I know it will suck, but at least you can during that time try to find a better paying job. You can also be saving some money to find a place to live.

 

And if you so choose to clean the toilets with their toothbrushes, I won't tell

 

Take care

[temp_clipped_wings]

I think you sound very stubborn and lazy and I can see where your family is coming from. Why can't you just clean the bathroom and get it over with? Your schedule is the most schedule, you have the most time - and I understand you work part time - but everyone else is working, going to school. BIG DEAL if you don't use that bathroom. DO you also refuse to wash dishes you didn't use? It just shows a lot of disrespect and rebellion to be that stubborn on a simple request. All you have to do is clean the bathroom and none of this would happen. Are you that spoiled and stubborn and difficult to get along with????????????? To the point you'd rather move in with an ex boyfriend, make your parents really angry at you and hit you when all you have to do is CLEAN THE BATHROOM. sheesh. Maybe you should have some humility and clean all 5 bathrooms.

 

 

WOW, its people like you that muck up the threads of others because you lack common sense and reading comprehension. I will not even bother to address your post as it is far off base and it is evident that you did not read my post in its entirety.

 

I posted that I do the most chores here and when they got rid of a maid I was doing most of the ironing and washing for around if not over a year since hey who was counting. I also posted that my sister only cleans the bathroom she uses so why again should I clean bathrooms that I am not using.

 

Good common sense would have told you that for a mother to have that reaction to a child that mother is simply no good but I didnt want to make this thread into more of an epistle than it is.

 

LOL at difficult to get along with. By your posts im sure you dont have people running towards you with open arms. Judgemental and a lack of reasoning are the first things that strike me about you.

 

Also LOL at you trying to say I made them angry and deserved to be hit/abused. If you saw how badly bruised I was you would not believe. Its kinds like you that say things like "Oh she asked to be raped, she deserved to be raped." EVEN when its clear that the individual was not at fault. Also FYI no one deserves to be abused period get that through your obviously thick skull.

 

Kindly move along and troll in another's thread.

 

Thanks.

 

 

Oh to the other posters im still living here and instead ive stopped doing chores that benefit others its that simple. My sister now has to clean the bathroom of contention on her own. My disgusting mother locked up the bathroom that I had most frequently used and all other bathrooms forcing me to use the one of contention which doesnt really matter to me.

 

My load of chores in general has far decreased has I have withdrawn from them.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[2sunny]

1. WOW, its people like you that muck up the threads of others because you lack common sense and reading comprehension. I will not even bother to address your post as it is far off base and it is evident that you did not read my post in its entirety.

 

2. I posted that I do the most chores here and when they got rid of a maid I was doing most of the ironing and washing for around if not over a year since hey who was counting. I also posted that my sister only cleans the bathroom she uses so why again should I clean bathrooms that I am not using.

 

Good common sense would have told you that for a mother to have that reaction to a child that mother is simply no good but I didnt want to make this thread into more of an epistle than it is.

 

LOL at difficult to get along with. By your posts im sure you dont have people running towards you with open arms. Judgemental and a lack of reasoning are the first things that strike me about you.

 

3. Also LOL at you trying to say I made them angry and deserved to be hit/abused. If you saw how badly bruised I was you would not believe. Its kinds like you that say things like "Oh she asked to be raped, she deserved to be raped." EVEN when its clear that the individual was not at fault. Also FYI no one deserves to be abused period get that through your obviously thick skull.

 

4. Kindly move along and troll in another's thread.

 

Thanks.

 

5. Oh to the other posters im still living here and instead ive stopped doing chores that benefit others its that simple. My sister now has to clean the bathroom of contention on her own. My disgusting mother locked up the bathroom that I had most frequently used and all other bathrooms forcing me to use the one of contention which doesnt really matter to me.

 

My load of chores in general has far decreased has I have withdrawn from them.

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

in response to the numbers in bold above

 

1. fun2bme is actually a consistent poster and has been for a long time. you are the new one who asked for advice - that means you will hear a lot of different perspectives. like them or not.

 

2. so what if you do a TON of chores. that poor me attitude will take you no place useful. you have a degree. you have choices. GO GET A FULL TIME JOB! move out. but no, you want to stay there so you have something to complain about and that allows you the vicious cycle of still feeling sorry for yourself. you are 21 years old and not 5 years old. just move and no more of these issues.

 

3. i never read where she stated that you deserved to be abused. reread it and you will see that she simply said YOU made a big deal about cleaning a bathroom. that probably takes 10-30 minutes to accomplish and to you it's a big major deal. get over it and just clean the bathroom or move.

 

4. ummm, her a troll? you are the new one griping about your spoiled life and putting all the blame on your family members. granted - no one deserves abuse... but you pushed and pushed and now find fault in them. just move.

 

5. ya, the pity party just continues. you no longer do chores and your Mom is the bad guy because she locked you out. i know how far any parent has to be pushed to react to what evidence you seem to be justifying as decent behavior. guess what? this is not a child who is grateful or decent or nice. you are acting spoiled and self serving. just move.

 

i can bet money your parents have already asked you to move on a number of occasions and you just keep staying to have a free ride...

 

what it all boils down to in the end is that you are afraid to be on your own so you just take out your anger on your family and try to make them look bad. just move. you are SUPPOSED to be an adult - now act like one.

[2sunny]

your prior thread listed below started months back sounds about the same. lots of drama and you making big issues out of nothing so that people will feel sorry for you.

 

reread your prior thread... you stay because you love this drama. then when people give reasonable solutions you disappeared? why not at least address the responses given prior before complaining again? why always make a huge deal out of something as simple as an energy drink or cleaning a bathroom. you seem mean spirited in your attitude and actions with all your family members. narcissistic even.

 

and even last april people told you to move and you didn't...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1607874#post1607874

[Trimmer]

3. i never read where she stated that you deserved to be abused. reread it and you will see that she simply said YOU made a big deal about cleaning a bathroom.

 

Are you that spoiled and stubborn and difficult to get along with????????????? To the point you'd rather move in with an ex boyfriend, make your parents really angry at you and hit you when all you have to do is CLEAN THE BATHROOM. sheesh.

 

Can you parse that statement any way other than: by not cleaning the bathroom, she made her parents hit her? That comment was way out of line and destroyed the credibility of the rest of that post.

 

Nonetheless, to the OP: I agree with the consensus that it's time to move. There are two issues: your chafing under the rules set out by the parents whose house you are living in, and the abuse that they are both raining down upon you. How complicated does it need to be? The solution to both issues is to remove yourself from that environment, and now that you are an adult, that is actually an option for you.

[Fun2BMe]

Also LOL at you trying to say I made them angry and deserved to be hit/abused. If you saw how badly bruised I was you would not believe. Its kinds like you that say things like "Oh she asked to be raped, she deserved to be raped." EVEN when its clear that the individual was not at fault. Also FYI no one deserves to be abused period get that through your obviously thick skull.

 

You are obviously a drama queen and way over the top. As someone who's been raped, I would never say someone deserves it and don't see your logic and coming to that conclusion just because of my opinion you should clean the bathroom EVEN IF YOU DONT WANT TO while you are living with your parents and therefore have to follow their rules. If you don't like to clean and listen to them, then don't pull from that that I'm saying women deserve to get raped. That's the most idiotic conclusion someone can come up with based on my comment you should clean the bathrooms. You obviously have a problem with criticism, and i would assume with anger management as well, and need a lot of help. It would probably not be fun having you for a child. Probably pushing everyone's button while breaking all the house rules. Wait til you move out then be lazy, run off with an ex and so on. And if now you're saying they hit you to the point of bruises, then obviously you need to call child protective services and the police - info you had left out apparently.

[Trimmer]

You are obviously a drama queen and way over the top. As someone who's been raped, I would never say someone deserves it and don't see your logic and coming to that conclusion just because of my opinion you should clean the bathroom EVEN IF YOU DONT WANT TO while you are living with your parents and therefore have to follow their rules. If you don't like to clean and listen to them, then don't pull from that that I'm saying women deserve to get raped. That's the most idiotic conclusion someone can come up with based on my comment you should clean the bathrooms.

While I agree that using rape as an analogy to make her point was unnecessarily inflammatory, it wasn't just that you said she should clean the bathrooms. It was this:

Are you that spoiled and stubborn and difficult to get along with????????????? To the point you'd rather move in with an ex boyfriend, make your parents really angry at you and hit you when all you have to do is CLEAN THE BATHROOM.

What did you mean by that?

 

I still summarize with:

 

Their house, their rules.

If you don't like the rules of the house you are living in, you have the power to go live your adult life somewhere else.

Physical abuse/assault is a separate issue, and not excusable or acceptable under any circumstances.

Time to leave home.

[FlyingToaster]

I agree with Trimmer. If you don't like it at home, you are an adult and can move out at any time. Don't be one of those that constantly blames other people for what you are afraid to do. Doing so will give them control. Be strong and get out on your own.

 

Take care.

[twopurringcats]

I had a very abusive mother growing up, and living with her made life so horrible. She was selfish, arrogant, mean and loved to cause trouble when none existed (queen of all drama queens). She was so violent that my school intervened and took me away from the home. It was a gift that opened my eyes to life away from "family" and how much better it can be (even if it is hard at first). By the way, mom didn't buy me birthday cakes because she thought "I didn't need the calories". I bought my own, still do.

 

Protect yourself, this means moving out of a chaotic home, and finding a place that is quiet, and all yours. Living with chaos isn't good for you (trust me, I know.) The longer you stay with people who aren't healthy, the more damage they can do to you deep down. Years after leaving home at 17, I still get flashbacks to abuse situations and violence. I have learned to handle it, and am older now. When younger, though, it was more scary since I had no life experience to fall back on.

 

This is what life has taught me. Find peace in your own space. Living with boyfriends or others doesn't give you much power. Get your own place that way you can have others over if you want, and be alone when you need to be. Freedom is a wonderful thing, and you can let others into your space as needed. It is important to have a place of peace to retreat to.

 

Put up strong boundaries with abusive people. If they are mean, leave, get away. Don't fight or argue, just distance yourself when things get out of hand. If something needs to be discussed, wait until they are calm to deal with it. Boundaries are training them to behave and protecting yourself.

 

Make sure where you choose to live is affordable. Getting over your head financially causes stress all its own. Find a decent place that is in a safe neighborhood. You can always move to another place later if its not exactly what your're looking for. I moved from a 6 bedroom house to a third floor apartment. Big change but the small place was safe, unlike the fancy house. Don't get caught up on looks, just find someplace peaceful and affordable for now. Nobody can tell you when to make this move, only you will know when the time is right.

 

Give yourself time to adjust. It's a transition to go from depending upon others to depending upon yourself for everything. Once the stress of it wears off, there is a feeling of freedom that is wonderful. Sometimes things have to feel lousy first in order to feel better later. Don't just survive in a bad situation. Take action. These lessons I learned the hard way. Good luck, you can do it.

[Eve]

I agree with twopurringcats.

 

Its awful that you are being forced to move out and that you are being singled out as the unequal one of the family in this way. Thats how abusive families operate and usually the most sensitive member is the one who gets all the negative attention which can easily turn into violence. You have to make your snsitivities work for yourself. Unfortuanately your family may never truly 'see' you for who you are and give you that space and time to talk and work things out as a cohesive whole.

 

Anyhow, you are still here. Move on and find your true family. Sometimes thats just how things go..