sincere effort at being friends, or not?

[pandagirl]

A guy that I dated and I are tentatively trying to be friends after NC for 2.5 months. I have no hard feelings, and don't want to rekindle anything.I would like to try to be friends, as we get along great. I guess I'm just suspicious of what he wants out of it, as I know most guys don't care to be "just friends" with a girl/exes. Seeing that we only dated a month, there isn't much emotional investment either.

 

So, is this a sincere effort on his part, or should I be weary?

[carhill]

Well, I wouldn't be weary just yet, but perhaps a bit leery

 

Seriously, give it a shot. A man's feelings can change. It all depends on his emotional awareness and how much he values you as a friend. IMO, the shorter period of time you've known each other, the less likely he will transition, but I'm happy to be wrong

[pandagirl]

I think he genuinely values me as a smart, funny person. We connect on a specific level: intellectual stimulation. He always said he felt lucky to meet me.

 

I'm just weary because I don't think he's dating anyone right now, so maybe he's just bored and wants a girl around and knows I'm here.

[Trialbyfire]

Have things changed pandagirl? The last thing I recall was that you had broken NC by emailing him and he didn't respond. Update plse!

[pandagirl]

Yeah, we've been emailing for the past two weeks (he did end up writing me back), each of us making vague attempts at meeting up. Last night he texted me saying he was having a dinner party and invited me, but I didn't go or reply. So, I wrote him today and he wants to meet up this week.

 

I mean, I'm sort of amazed that we are even still in contact, seeing our romance was so short, but there is a distinct chemistry we have, albeit not necessary romantically compatible.

 

I take friendships pretty sincerely and genuinely. If are to be friends, I don't want it to be some bulls*** thing. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what his intentions are.

[Trialbyfire]

You'll find out pretty quickly if you meet up with him, what his intentions are. As long as you don't put out mixed signals, keeping it friendly but at arms-length, he should get the message. If he continues to come on to you, you know what he's looking for.

 

Just be 100% certain what your motivations are, with wanting to be friends.

[carhill]

Get into his personal space and speak directly and honestly with him....how you get there is up to you

 

I still have a few issues to resolve with my "friend" and we'll get to them in person. IMO, if you want to be friends with him, treat him like you would treat a friend, not someone you broke up with/stopped dating. If he invites you to a dinner party and you don't want to go, reply with regrets. Be direct. This is what friends do. It's part of respecting a friend.

 

Good luck!

[pandagirl]

Yes, emotionally, I am so detached from him. I'm just worried that the physical attraction may still be there!

 

I totally enjoy his company though and really hope it can work out.

[pandagirl]

Yes, Carhill! I completely agree. I've stopped worrying about what I say to him, because friends don't think like that. I've started just saying what I think.

[carhill]

OK, now we shall pause...

 

You want to be "friends" with someone for whom you're not sure if your physical attraction to has departed? Perhaps this needs a bit more time and space. So, you would tell him this? I know I'd appreciate that kind of honesty, but have no clue how he would react.

 

Adding....IMO, if you do in fact harbor attraction, you'll send out signals, he'll pick up on them, and your physical or verbal denial will create confusion and resentment. The essence of mixed signals.

[pandagirl]

Haha. I mean, I haven't seen him in awhile. Maybe the physical attraction is gone; maybe it is still there. I have no idea at this point.

 

Before we went NC, we had open conversations about the state of things. We discussed how we were very attracted to each other, and how it was an issue, but we were both working on controlling those feelings.

[pandagirl]

I don't know what to think anymore. I saw him last night. I feel like this is how he feels: "I still like you, but not enough to date you, but I don't want to lose you."

 

He invited me to a dinner party with all of his best friends. He told me how all his friends love me.

 

I just don't want to invest in a friendship, if it's just some ego boost for him.

[carhill]

IMO, it's only an ego boost if you retain unrequited attraction and he takes advantage of that. In that case, he's not a friend, since friends don't do things like that. Otherwise, it's two people who share some commonalities and mutual interest. Healthy

[pandagirl]

Neither of us wants to date each other again. Romantically, we just don't work. We really like each other though and want to be friends.

 

However, I think we are somewhat using each other as ego boosts. I egg him on with my sexuality, so I still know I have power over him. He keeps me around because he thinks I'm beautiful, and the best girl he's met.

 

How do I get over my stupid desire to just want him to want me? It's a very superficial need that I want/need to get over if we're going to be friends.

[carhill]

No contact is the only way I know of. You have to break the brain chemistry cycle. If you can't, then you will forever be in an unhealthy cycle of attraction and separation. Ask me how I know this ..

[pandagirl]

haha. HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

 

It's so funny how brain chemistry and hormones works. It's evil!

[carhill]

How old are you? I've got 23 years, 5 months and 26 days experience with this particular phenomenon

 

Over time, at least IME, one learns to acknowledge and compartmentalize such realizations. It's kind of like saying "Oh, yeah, that's there and it's another day" We both described the sensations the same way and just choose to ignore them, kind of like one ignores chronic pain (like a backache, etc). Head over hormones, perhaps

[pandagirl]

I'm 30, but I have a slow learning curve.

 

I agree. I am getting there with the "compartmentalizing." Like, I see him and I'm like: Okay, he doesn't have the qualities I want in a relationship, but as a friend, he's great. Then, I have the: We get along so well, and he gets me, and I'm attracted to him. They are two separate things and emotions, but they are still bleeding into each other. Whenever I want to kiss him, I have to train my brain to say: "But he's a crappy boyfriend!"

[carhill]

The problem you have or may yet discover is that the reasons you want to kiss him come from both places, one of attraction and also one of someone you likely admire and respect and feel a connection with beyond or instead of the sexual. The hard part is delineating these nuances. Or so it has been for me

[pandagirl]

Wait, Carhill. So, why did nothing ever happen with this woman?

 

And, yes -- a lot of the physical attraction comes from admiring him as a person. I believe he feels the same way about me. We like each other, but we're just not right for one another.

[carhill]

Well, a bit O/T, but, short story, she was married before, then when I went NC, she was apparently convinced that I wanted nothing to do with her, so started another relationship when she left her husband. I started dating my wife just about the same time she left her husband, but I had no way of knowing that, because I was committed to NC. We've always had some sort of emotional/spiritual connection from the first moment. It just took consistent contact, which I committed to in the last year, to separate that from the probabilities of a healthy relationship resulting. So, in many ways, a very similar circumstance to yours, except generational. We can still brighten each other's day, and likely will forever, but we (she likely earlier and more clearly than I) understood the realities of our incompatibility for a R. So, friends we shall be. I just take that part of me that continually senses her, recognize it for what it is, and accept it. I don't fight it anymore and don't wish for it to be something it will not be.

 

Does any of this sound familiar?

[pandagirl]

Yes, it sounds familiar. We have a connection that is not necessarily romantic, but we are just on the same wavelength and like being around each other a lot. We are on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. I am highly emotional, sensitive and thoughtful. He is outwardly detached and distant. But for some reason it works when we are together. I talk, he listens. I think he likes being around someone who is so open, and he lets me be that way.

 

He has a track record of being a jerk to girls. He just doesn't treat them very well, going through short relationship, after short relationship, disposing of girls, picking them apart, and moving onto the next one, even though he says he wants a serious relationship. The only reason he wasn't a complete a**hole to me, was because I openly communicated with him and made him responsible for his actions. I feel like I bring something to his life that he is missing, and he teaches me how to be more confident and embrace life in the moment.

 

I think the key thing you said is to "recognize it or what it is and accept it." I just need to get there and confused on how to do that.

[carhill]

I think the key thing you said is to "recognize it or what it is and accept it." I just need to get there and confused on how to do that.

 

Actually, you're a lot farther down the path than you realize. Your situation is a bit different than mine, but I would hazard a guess that, if you were NC with him for a couple months and, in that time, purposely focussed on meeting and becoming interested in a new potential, you'd find the elemental chemical bond would lessen. I call it "oxytocin response diffusion"

 

I don't want to get too off-topic into some of my psych stuff, but just imagine if you had that kind of a strong bond without ever having had sex. Imagine the sexual desire flowing from the emotional bond. This is where MC helped me clarify the psych issues, adjunct to the great inputs from folks here at LS. Defining the parallels and recognizing how the paths of emotion and sexual desire can be delineated has be so helpful to me. Most people take such distinctions for granted, but I evolved to have global melding of such paths, or at least the potential thereof.

 

Learning these distinctions has been key to working on my marriage, since, prior, I wouldn't have known how to act in a loving way without "feeling" it, and this is key to rebuilding a broken emotional bond, especially one broken of circumstance.

 

Short version is date a few guys and you'll forget all about how much you pine away for this guy. Or not

[pandagirl]

I did go NC from him for a couple of months, and it really helped. I tried going on some dates, but they were pretty empty and not promising.

 

In fact, this is the guy I did not have sex with, until we essentially "broke up." We are attracted to each other, but I feel the base of our relationship and chemistry comes from beyond that; it comes from being comfortable and at ease around each other.

 

I am seeing progress, just not as fast as I want!

[carhill]

Ah, but you did have sex with him. I remember the thread you posted. Try something which works for me. Be honest. If you find yourself slipping back into old habits/feelings/thoughts, give yourself a NC tuneup. Tell him why.

 

Read my "three cats and a mouse" journal for another technique I'm working on, that of transference. So far, that technique has been real helpful. Time will tell if it is the right solution for me. What I want to get back to is an emotional baseline where I am squarely and essentially open to the emotional possibilities with my wife. What I sense from you is you wish to be in the place with this friend where you can enjoy the bond you share with him, yet will feel free to become entangled emotionally and sexually with another man without thoughts/feelings of this person invading your new relationship, or preventing one from beginning. Is that close?