Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Share Posted September 11, 2008 What I sense from you is you wish to be in the place with this friend where you can enjoy the bond you share with him, yet will feel free to become entangled emotionally and sexually with another man without thoughts/feelings of this person invading your new relationship, or preventing one from beginning. Is that close? Exactly! And, you know, I just have a general problem of "letting go" in general. Though I am not a depressing person, I do have a history of depression and prone to being super-sensitive, over-analytical, ruminating and making myself feel bad about things. So, in dealing with this situation, it's hard not to let my brain do what it's used to. But yes, I just want to enjoy him for what he is. Very much so. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 Don't recall if you every took the "highly sensitive personality" test, but you should if you haven't. Google it. No panacea, but might help provide you with some answers. FWIW, my female friend and I score at the high end of the scale, myself higher than her. For me, it explained a lot, especially things I experienced as a child. Interesting stuff Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Share Posted September 11, 2008 I scored a 19, and I guess above 14 is considered "highly sensitive." This is no surprise to me. haha. I get affected by things very easily. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 Ah, no surprise to you but often an alien language to someone who scores low on the sensitivity scale. My wife scored a 4 Such makes for a strained relationship, as our M has been for some time, unless both partners work to understand, accept and compromise their disparate emotional styles. You may have experienced some of this (or the beginnings of it) with your friend. Such is just one potential incompatibility. Note: being "sensitive" doesn't equate to being loving and/or caring. It merely means our nervous systems are more sensitive to stimulus and that we process the same inputs differently from a person who is less sensitive. Neither perspective is right or wrong, merely different. Kinda like male and female Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Share Posted September 11, 2008 Yup! I distinctly remember when I realized we were emotionally different creatures. I opened up to him about my past and depression, and all he had to say was: "Well, I guess everyone feels that way, maybe you just feel it deeper." Which, in retrospect, is a very accurate statement, but what I really wanted was: "Are you OK? Let me hold you and tell you you are all right. Do you want to talk about it more?" hahahaha. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 OK, then add to that the complexity of societal norms for gender behavior and past experiences. Imagine him, in that moment, hugging you and kissing you and you thinking he was sexually attracted to you because that's what all men do when they want sex. Imagine finding the sexual part inappropriate but the emotional part deeply satisfying but not knowing how to properly convey understanding and appreciation of that. Welcome to my world, or should I say the world I often experience with women. Imagine him only meaning to give you what you wanted and needed right then...... what I really wanted was: "Are you OK? Let me hold you and tell you you are all right. Do you want to talk about it more?"I dealt with a good 4 years of such pain, and iterations of this are what caused me to emotionally disconnect from my wife. She just didn't get it... and I must not have known how to properly communicate it. I would often feel like I was yelling in desperation and she would just go "huh?"..... I'll bet you've experienced that disparity in action and reaction many times... Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Share Posted September 11, 2008 YUP! Things that seem SO OBVIOUS to us, just go right past their heads. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 Wildly off-topic, but my wife looks at me like I have two heads when I tell her how the relative constructs in the "Matrix" movie make so much sense to me. Glitches, changes and deja-vu. I remember, as a child, asking if what we see is really real or just images our brain constructs out of sensory inputs. I really did To me, understanding the perspective is kind of like when I first found out I had a vision problem as a child and was fitted for glasses. It was like the world looked completely different. That's the part my wife (and I presume others) don't get. We experience life and the world in a completely different way. I deign to call it a mental illness but I'm sure for some it can be the impetus for such, like the depression you described, especially where one has or chooses to suppress their natural personality to conform to society and peer pressures. I was depressed for many years in my 30's dealing with this. Perhaps, part of the energy you two share is this disparity of elemental perspective, like an attraction of two opposites to a central balance point. Other issues may make you incompatible for a relationship, but this draw is very strong. In the case of my friend and myself, our balance is low and high energy, myself being the high energy person, and IMO these opposites draw us together. She likes how I can brighten her day with my going in 10 directions at once and I admire the calmness of how she faces life's chaos. That said, I do wear her out, just like I wear my wife out. I don't eat sugar, I swear. I've found having an animal companion has a great calming effect. Cats seem drawn to me and I find their calm and yet aloof manner to be very soothing and quieting. Got one laying next to me right now Keep us posted on your progress. If my experience is any guide, you have the tools to "think" yourself out of this box. Have the confidence to act on what you believe Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted September 12, 2008 Author Share Posted September 12, 2008 Yes! It's an attraction of two opposites to a central balance point. That's a good way of explaining it. I don't know if feels this way (or has even thought about it), but that's the way we work. He is very high energy, always keeping busy, having to be around people, needs distraction and stimulus. I am a low key, laidback, content with doing nothing sort of person. And yes, I like how he makes my life a little brighter when I'm around him. It's like, at the core, we share the same values, thoughts, ideas, senses of humor, but the way they manifest in our actions and thoughts are really different. Link to post Share on other sites
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