overanalytical Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 my husband and i have been married 9 months, known each other for 4. he has always been the type to speak his mind. fine. i love him for that and can understand it's just him. well lately things have gotten where he turns it on me. today we went to lunch with another couple. i haven't gotten to eat lunch with him in MONTHS. so it was a special treat to me. he gets there with the other couple right behind him. i ask about his work and he says "i'm done for the day". i know i get this ugh expression as he only worked 20 hrs last week (and we need money to pay bills right now) so i'm worried he'll have another same week. so i think it's okay i get the ugh face...well he takes it wrong...fine. maybe he's upset about it too. so i ask him about the job that has called him asking about him coming t owrok with them....he gets pissy. i roll my eyes (i know, childish but it happened) and he gets really mad at me nad cusses me out in front of the other couple. i'm mortified at this point. and i feel the tears coming. i try to hold them back and he keeps saying 'i'm leaving, i'm not eating lunch' and throws his freakin lemon down. how embarrassing. so i calmly say 'i'm leaving, do'nt worry about it' and i start balling when i get outside. he follows me out to my car and tells me that i embarrassed him. i told him how i felt how he treated me...then he walks away. comes back and says 'i wont' be home when you get there'. i didn't say anyting and drove away. i'm fighting tears at work, what do i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Call him and tell him you love him, and that you want to see him at home when you get home, bc it will break your heart if he is not there. You were both wrong. You wanted to discuss "personal issues" in front of another couple, and men don't like to be reminded with an "ugh face" that they aren't earning enough money to provide for their families. He got pissy rather than saying "How about we talk about all that tonight; so Joe, how about those Yankees?" Tell him you are sorry for your part in it. Fights happen. Misunderstandings happen. It typically takes two people to screw up, and two people to fix it. He might still be mad, and might not be ready to talk about it. That is HIS right. He will be able to talk about it later. But if he says he is still mad, then instead of rolling your eyes or saying "Fine!" while you slam down the phone, say "That's ok. I understand. I look forward to talking about it when you are ready to." (((((overana))))) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Hmm, so much for the honeymoon... You know, when my wife has a couple slow weeks at the salon, I nod my head knowingly and say "we'll work it out; we always do" and not to stress out. Truly, it does always work out, and I could tell you some stories IMO, the two of you really have to work better on communicating. Our psychologist commented that we tended to talk "at" each other rather than "with" each other. The more I listened and took the viewpoint of an outsider, the more I could see what he meant. We still have a long way to go, but effective communication is really important to improving the marriage or clarifying why it will no longer work. Ambiguity and misunderstanding are not healthy in either case, IMO. If you love each other and want to work on the M (BTW, I've never said something like you related to my wife, no matter how mad I was at her), suggest counseling. If you two are truly not meant to be, it's better to clarify it now, prior to children and financial entanglements. I wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Oh no no no, let me tell you that NO eye rolling in the world is reason to be cussed at in a restuarant and infront of company! That is ABUSE! I do agree that maybe you hit on his achilles heel and it made him feel less of a man BUT that is no reason for him to do that! It is disgusting! Dont you be apologising to him, he has completely over reacted and that is no way to run a successful marriage and if you let him away with this then you can expect much more of that behaviour and worse! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Most people, men especially, are very sensitive when it comes to being seen as "the provider". It is possible that even though you both know he isnt working enough, he did not want this discussed at all , with the couple you were having lunch with. Unless they were family, its perfectly understandable for him to have been embarassed. If he isnt pulling his weight, maybe he is feeling especially sensitive which made him defensive. His reaction was way out of line too!! You state that you two have been married only 9 months - does that mean you have been living together for only 9 months as well? If that is the case, maybe you are both still adjusting to reading each other's nuances and body language?? My H and I both offended each other and gotten into arguments that could have been avoided - after 3 years we are still learning to read each other. To be honest, its never a good idea to criticize your partner in public. Or announce you "aren't coming home!". Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I believe in marriage. I think that owning up to your own mistakes and apologizing is preferable to letting a fight escalate. Lishy doesn't believe in marriage. She thinks that you shouldn't apologize. Two differing pieces of advice here. Good luck. I will add this, though; think about what you want your primary objective to be, and work towards that. If your objective is to "win" the fight, then make him come crawling to you without accepting that you made mistakes as well. If your objective is to find out why you had such a terrible fight and to keep it from happening again and to strengthen your marriage, then work on compromising. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Call him and tell him you love him, and that you want to see him at home when you get home, bc it will break your heart if he is not there. You were both wrong. You wanted to discuss "personal issues" in front of another couple, and men don't like to be reminded with an "ugh face" that they aren't earning enough money to provide for their families. He got pissy rather than saying "How about we talk about all that tonight; so Joe, how about those Yankees?" Agree 1000%! It comes down to the fact that he felt disrespected. He didn't handle it well either. You were both wrong. You should never talk about personal issues infront of other people. To a guy, it seems like you don't trust him and that he isn't taking care of his family. Men don't want other people up in their business. You can't blame them for that. But he acted poorly too. So you need to address both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I want to correct something I posted above. I don't know if Lishy is "anti-marriage" or not. I read a thread she posted about leaving dead marriages, and some other posters comments led me to believe that she was not a fan of marriage. I typically agree with many of her posts, esp about valuing yourself. Just to clear things up.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I believe in marriage. I think that owning up to your own mistakes and apologizing is preferable to letting a fight escalate. Lishy doesn't believe in marriage. She thinks that you shouldn't apologize. quote] Oh Pur-lease!!!!!!!! This is not how people who love each other and are married behave. Would you say sorry of your hubby screamed at you infront of company and out in public? If you have let your partner talk to you like that for no great reason and YOU apologised then more fool you! He has abused her and you are telling her to say sorry? What she did was not a spot on how he reacted! After they have sorted out a way for him to never do that again THEN she should address the fact that maybe she was not very diplomatic and could not guess he would react how he did or feel as bad as he did about not bringing in enough money No wonder I dont believe in marriage if THAT is how you get treated! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 What is wrong with accepting personal responsibility for wrongdoing? Let's face it. Make a chart with "OMG he/she did this first!" items. 1. SHE makes an "ugh" face (and she thinks its ok to make the "ugh" face bc he didn't work enough hours last week). 2. SHE asked him about finding a new job in front of friends at a casual lunch. 3. HE gets pissy. 4. SHE rolls her eyes (knowing that is childish, but makes excuses for it anyway.) 5. HE cusses at her. 6. SHE starts to cry. 7. HE tries to leave. 8. SHE tries to upmanship his desire to leave. 9. HE throws his lemon. (??) 10. SHE starts balling (I hope she meant bawling - bc otherwise that is some serious make-up sex outside a restaurant in a parking lot) 11. HE yells that she embarassed him. 12. SHE cries that he embarassed her. 13. HE says "I won't be home." 14. SHE drives away. OK - 14 punches thrown. She threw 8, he threw 6. She threw the first 2, and the last. Some punches are much harder hits than others (obvious, esp if you have ever watched boxing). But the fact remains that there are two people fighting. You can stay mad and you can stay in a snit and you can march straight to Legal Aid and demand a divorce bc he was 'abusive' when he yelled at you bc you embarassed him. Or you can look at both of your behaviors, see that you both were triggering the hell out of each other, and apologize for your part in the problem and try to work out a solution. And actually - having silly fights that escalate to horrible levels is pretty common among happily married and loving couples. And among best friends. And among siblings. And among parents and children. Learning how to deal with those is, actually, how healthy adults behave. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 The reality that H spoke so disrespectfully to W in public in front of friends speaks volumes about his psychology. Adding...my wife has done this to me and I just tell her, quietly, that such things are better discussed in private. For the person asking about the length of R, I believe the OP meant they've been together 4 years and married 9 months. So, if so, they know each other fairly well I kinda guessed that from the eye-roll.... OP, you can't make him do anything or behave a certain way. You can only control yourself and your reactions. Hope it works out... Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Quit eye rolling, saying, "ugh" or sighing, and stop cussing one another out in public. Both of you own up to your own mistakes, stop doing the things you know will hurt the other, OR call it quits. Its up to both of what you really want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author overanalytical Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 thanks for the posts...it is both our faults but i did nothing for him to treat and speak to me the way he did...when i ssaid these things his buddy wasn't at the table, his gf was...seh heard it all....not hte buddy so ti's not like i hurt his pride THAT much but i know i was wrong but the way he acted i feel like is not acceptable...what am i going to do if he's not home when i go home? and yes lived together 3 years, knew each other a year before we moved in nad then married 9 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 He must know deep down that he was far more in the wrong on this occassion. I stick with my original reply, I would not say sorry until he has acknowledged hi awful behaviour and to be honest I dont even think you did anything that bad to apologise at all! Alot of people think it is normal to be spoken to like crap because they have dealt with it for years, dont you be one of those people O! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I want to correct something I posted above. I don't know if Lishy is "anti-marriage" or not. I read a thread she posted about leaving dead marriages, and some other posters comments led me to believe that she was not a fan of marriage. I typically agree with many of her posts, esp about valuing yourself. Just to clear things up.... I dont want to get married myself but I do believe in marriage, but not abusive marriages! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I don't think anyone should be talked to like a dog. But I also don't make "ugh" faces at guys to chastise them or roll my eyes at them. Aren't both abusive, of a sort? If he isn't home and if you won't make the first move, then I guess you wait for him to make the first move. Do you get Lifetime? Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 i don't think anyone has disagreed and said that the husband's behavior was cool. he overreacted, he behaved badly, he embarrassed himself and his wife...but let's face facts, lishy, she started the whole ball rolling. and...abuse??? it sounds like a garden-variety petty squabble, which got escalated into unpleasantness on BOTH sides. and yeah, like PP stated, this kind of thing can flare up between not only married couples, but siblings, friends, you name it. do i think he should comfortably fall into a pattern wherein he feels free to swear loudly at his wife in public? NO. that would cross the line into abuse, yes. but hey, she should reconsider her pattern of passive-aggressive behavior and criticizing him in front of his friends, too. it's triggering behavior and we can all snap when somebody pushes the right buttons. there are a lot of factors we can't know. maybe he has a long-standing habit of not pulling his weight financially which he just won't face up to, which is driving her crazy. OR, maybe she is controlling and critical and he is just having a hard time at work right now and she needs to back off a little bit. what we do know, because she admitted it herself, is that she very passive-aggressively mocked him and put him down in front of other people on what was supposed to be their first pleasant lunch outing in months. and even though it wasn't in front of his friend per se, OP, it WAS still in front of the friend's gf, and protesting that that doesn't matter is totally disingenuous. i mean, come on. you were giving him **** in front of another person, and that other person happens to be intimately connected with his friend and is probably going to report everything. and i think you know it. and then the situation went downhill from there. frankly, both of them acted like asses and both of them got their feelings hurt. what if they went to lunch with her friends, and he felt like she'd been gaining too much weight recently and not controlling her diet rigidly enough? what if he criticized what she ordered and rolled his eyes when she tried to justify herself or change the subject, or he started asking her when she was going to join a gym and stop being such a slob, while her friend's boyfriend sat there with a bemused expression on his face, waiting to tell the friend all about it that night when they got home? if she got angry and told him to shut it, raised her voice and called him a name, i personally would feel like she reacted badly but he also kind of got what was coming to him because he was being a jerkwad, and then i would suggest that they consider couples counseling because their communication skills could use some touch-ups. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 She rolled her eyes at him and HIS issues caused him to verbally abuse her infront of a friend If she lets him off with it I guarantee it will be behaviour she will have to get used to. It is NOT NORMAL for your husband/wife to do that, I know alot of you are probably used to it but it does not make it normal! She has to show him that she will not accept it and you guys are telling her how out of order she is and that is wrong! She was not the one cussing him out at the dinner table and no amount of eye rolling warrants that! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 You don't have to use swear words to make a person feel like crap. If my man and I were out and he very politely asked me why I didn't do the dishes quickly enough after dinner in front of others and then rolled his eyes when I gave an answer, he would most DEFINITELY hear about it, and it wouldn't be pleasant. She didnt do that though did she! He is one one who should feel ashamed, I am not saying she is faultless but he verbally abused her because she rolled her eyes at him! He has issues and she needs to not accept it! Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 It could be worse OP, he could be sitting at home,sleeping,eating,going to the gym and surfing for porn while sticking out his hand for YOUR paycheck every week. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 JMO on the matter. He reacted to how you acted to him to begin with. Neither of you were in the right. Your eye rolling is what probably set him off. I DID NOT say he was in the right. Every action has a reaction, you both need to grow up and think before you act/speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author overanalytical Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 well we had a decent night, he was fine and i was fine after we talked about it...then got into another fight this morning. basically he hates me. i am so hurt. i am at work and bawling my eyes out in my car and have to come back in to my office...he won't answer my call, he is just so mean to me. this is my second marriage so to me, divorce is not an option. why is he so mean to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Tell me about him, how did his last relationship end? How is he with his/your kids? How often is he mean to you? Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 well we had a decent night, he was fine and i was fine after we talked about it...then got into another fight this morning. basically he hates me. i am so hurt. i am at work and bawling my eyes out in my car and have to come back in to my office...he won't answer my call, he is just so mean to me. this is my second marriage so to me, divorce is not an option. why is he so mean to me? He is mean to you? DUMP HIM! Have some self worth and self respect, and know this is not something you deserve, and that more than likely it will continue in this cycle until someone breaks the cycle. It's so hard, yet so simple! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 It is easier said than done to dump a man you love and marriage can take working on and if both parties are open to see their faults it can be done. They can sort it out but HE has to be willing to see that even though argueing is normal, his abuse is NOT! It needs to be brought to the table and he needs to know it is not acceptable!! I can see that the OP was even considering not marrying this guy Link to post Share on other sites
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