Auntieana Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 My husband and i are only 18 and 19. We agreed recently that we thought an open marriage would be a good idea seeing as that we are young and that i am the other girl my husband's been with (ever). As well as the fact we thought open "cheating" would be easier now then hidden lies later. My husband and I have put together some simple basic rules. One being nobody from my husband's work, he's a U.S. marine and that could be bad for him. there was also an other rule that if both of us knew them then we had to ask permission of our spouse to go on dates or anything of the nature with the 3 party. So there was a guy that my husband is friend's with, but they work together. Either way just in case since this other guy was showing interest in me I asked my husband and he said it was okay and gave me the green light on his buddy. After hanging out and such with this 3rd party I started feeling confusion. I'm sure without a doubt i have fallen in love with the other guy, but still deeply love my husband. I know the other guy feels the same we have talked about it a couple times. Here's the thing the other guy is engaged and is cheating, but my emotions are so confused, and I really need someones advice. Please do not criticize. I really would like to hear some thoughts on this because i'm all out. Thanks, Auntieana Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I'm not criticizing, but I honestly have no better advice for you than to get a divorce and start all over again dating. This is just all screwed up on so many levels. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Since you seem to be asking sincrely, I will try to give you something to consider. Open Marriages are for people that have a lot of maturity AND experience AND security AND a full set of marriage tools to apply. I have known couples who have tried this and all have failed. Just what Ive seen. Because you are talking about DATING and not just sex...you have opened the door to leaving the relationship and dramatically too. If the two of you are truly secure and just want to enhance your experience - maybe exploring other people sexually is something you can do together. Again, you are so young - I dont think any of this is for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Do you mind my asking how this is all kinds of screwed up, besides the fact that my heart is confused. I still love my husband as much and the 1st day we fell in love if not so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Why? Bc IMHO it isn't ever a good idea to get married when you are 17 or 18. So there's #1. #2 Fidelity doesn't count how many previous lovers you have had. #3 You don't have any idea what an Open Marriage means. #4 Why do you care about what the other guy is doing? #5 I don't know if you know what true, mature love is, if you say you love your H just as much as you did before you slept with this other guy. #6 I don't trust men who think it is cool for their wives to sleep around. #7 I don't trust women who think it is cool for their husbands to sleep around. Why did you get married anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Lucky One is right, there is a certain sketchiness written over this open marriage arrangement especially when you are so young and probably just got married too I'm sure. If you haven't gotten dating others out of your system, why did you get married? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I tried the 'open marriage' thing. It was simply another nail in the coffin, so to speak. It worked for a while because we were both on the same page about the boundaries, etc. Unfortunately the boundaries were crossed, and it blew our marriage apart. Took three years to find our way back to each other. One or the other of you are going to fall in love with your OP, and you will want to spend more and more time with this new person, and eventually will replace the feelings you have for each other with feelings you have for this new person. One or both of you will come (ironically) to feel trapped in this 'open' marriage. You will be just free enough to find happiness, but not free enough to really act on it. Both of you will become miserable, particularly if one of you finds outside love and the other doesn't. My suggestion? Your willingness to have an open marriage should match your willingness to get a divorce, because eventually that will happen. I'm not being critical here - just realistic after doing a ton of research before going into it, and still seeing it fall apart. If you want to see some examples of how an open marriage works (or rather how it usually doesn't - or at least not how you would think) then head to philanderers.com and look through the threads. There are a few people there in open marriages, but it is not all roses, romance and easy going. It is hard, frustrating, and often times not worth the time or effort. At your ages, if you are this newly married and already talking 'open' marriage, then you may seriously want to consider a legal separation where you both can date rather than trying to date while you are married. It is not as simple as it seems, and it rarely if ever works in an ideal way. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 It's a terrible idea because it will lead to all kinds of problems you cannot foresee now. If you're confused now, it will only get worse as you (or your husband) starts to develop feelings for the other person. Or starts to get jealous when you start to develop feelings. You can't foresee how you will feel the day he starts shutting you out in order to go on a date with a woman he's started falling in love with, leaving you sitting at home in tears wondering what happened to your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Do you mind my asking how this is all kinds of screwed up, besides the fact that my heart is confused. I still love my husband as much and the 1st day we fell in love if not so much more. This is how: After hanging out and such with this 3rd party I started feeling confusion. I'm sure without a doubt i have fallen in love with the other guy, but still deeply love my husband. I know the other guy feels the same we have talked about it a couple times. Here's the thing the other guy is engaged and is cheating, but my emotions are so confused... Your "heart being confused" is just the beginning. Already you are falling in love with someone outside your marriage, he is falling in love with you, and he is cheating on his fiancee. My question is, how can you convince yourself that any part of this situation is not screwed up? Do you think the "confusion" will just gradually ease up over time and everything will stabilize out? Link to post Share on other sites
BadKittyNo Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 " I'm sure without a doubt i have fallen in love with the other guy, but still deeply love my husband. I know the other guy feels the same we have talked about it a couple times. Here's the thing the other guy is engaged and is cheating, but my emotions are so confused, and I really need someones advice. " I thought you might want some input from somebody who is in a poly relationship, so here's my opinion and advice. "Open marriage" usually means that a couple is free to explore outside sexual relationships on their own, but not develop any kind of emotional attachment to their playmates. When a person is involved in a loving relationship with more than one person, it's called a polyamorous relationship. For a poly relationship to have any chance of success, there has to be total openness, honesty, and acceptance among all involved. From what you wrote, it seems that your husband doesn't know that you're falling in love with the other guy, and the other guy's fiancee' knows nothing about his relationship with you. I'm going to be completely honest with you, that doesn't bode well. Poly relationships can present challenges under the best of circumstances, and to enter into one while engaging in a deception is a very bad idea. Because eventually it's gonna hit the wall and come out into the open. First and foremost you need to have a serious talk with your husband over whether emotional attachments are off limits or not. If he is open to you entering into a polyamorous relationship, then you have to deal with the issue of the other guy's fiancee'. If your husband isn't open to it then you have to decide whether to cool it with the other guy or be involved with him behind your husband's back. There just isn't any chance of it working out for any length of time if your husband and his fiancee' are kept in the dark. You'll both constantly be on edge wondering when one of them will find out or suspect something. And even if only one is kept in the dark, it'll be the same way. The way I see it, the only chance you have for this to work out as a successful poly relationship is if your husband is okay with it and the other guy breaks it off with his fiancee' (because since she doesn't know about it now, my guess is she would not be okay with it if she found out). I don't have any criticism about your age, my husband was only 20 when we met, and we've been together for over 11 years now. And as far as criticizing the position you're in, well I can relate to falling in love with somebody while still being in love with another. The differences being that the other man I fell in love with wasn't in a serious or committed relationship when I met him, and I went to my husband and talked it over with him and made sure he was totally okay with things before taking my friendship with that other man anywhere past platonic. That was 3 years ago, and so far, so good. In those 3 years my other significant other and I have formed a very strong and loving bond with each other, and my relationship with my husband is thriving. We all three decided that things were going exactly as we wanted them to, and we are all happy with the situation, so we're not looking for anybody else and are remaining faithful to each other. It *is* possible to love and be in love with more than one person at a time without "shortchanging" anybody. It *is* possible for poly relationships to work out. But again, only if there is complete honesty, openness, and acceptance among everybody involved. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I would add to that, that even in the most open and honest of poly R's it isn't unusual for one spouse to change their mind about the open part and want to go back to monogamy - months, sometimes years after the other spouse has been with someone else. Then you have to make that choice: end the R with the OP to save the marriage, or divorce to be with the OP. That basically happened in our case. It works fine as long as two people are on the same page, but when one gets off that page... Complications abound. It definitely isn't for most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 10, 2008 Author Share Posted September 10, 2008 Thank you BadKittyNo, You have been the most helpful. My husband knows and we have talked about not being able to control emotions. I really want to be honest to him and with your encouragement with what you have said I think i can. Actually, me and 3rd parties girl are friends. I asked her the other day if i could sleep with 3rd party and she said yes. Also my husband and the 3rd party are both bi and we have had 3 somes on a couple occations. The only real thing that is haunting this situation would be that the 3rd parties girl does not know that he has feelings for me. Nor does my husband but that will be fixed tomorrow. Plus it would be kind of hard to cut off emotions with the 3rd party if my husband minds, but only because I see him every weekend. For are religious circle. Plus he and my husband are friends and work together, but thank you very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Wow. Seems complicated. It seems like as long as someone is hiding the truth from someone else, you're going to be living under a cloud, but good luck, and keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 10, 2008 Author Share Posted September 10, 2008 Wow. Seems complicated. It seems like as long as someone is hiding the truth from someone else, you're going to be living under a cloud, but good luck, and keep us posted. Okay will do. I've been talking to my husband about not being able to control emotions and he agrees. So now i feel so much better with the situation at hand, and telling him. The only real issue now is 3rd parties girl. She knows i'm sleeping with him but she don't know there are emotions envolved on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 14, 2008 Author Share Posted September 14, 2008 Well I told him and he didn't take it hard at all he said he understood where i was coming from Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 Well I told him and he didn't take it hard at all he said he understood where i was coming from Which "him" did you tell, and what did you tell him? Remember, we're just as confused as you are... Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 To the poster of this Thread, are you the only one screwing around so far, or has hubby banged a girl too? I'm just not for this lifestyle, IMO. I say this because, it could become a pissing contest, if you get my meaning. Hubby could never get as much side sex as you, well, for obvious reasons! By the way, since you're screwing someone from his job, will you allow him to screw someone from yours, or even a close friend? I gotta see if this will be a double standard. Or if you screw someone else, will you stop doing it, and tell your husband no, after you've already done and got what you wanted? Are you seeing where I'm coming from? This can really destroy your loving marriage. Oh, and lastly, who originally came up with this Idea, you or your hubby? That would be an interesting answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 14, 2008 Author Share Posted September 14, 2008 I told my husband that i was falling in love with another guy and he took it pretty well. To sup my "hubby" has been going out on dates so it's not a one sided thing at all. The difference is he's with a few different girls. i only have one other guy. Actually I'm still looking for a job since we moved here kinda recently. but he has dated a close friend of mine and i'm okay with that. this is still a 2 way street, for us. Actually we both come up with the idea during a sirious conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 Your husband was ok with you falling in love with the other man you're seeing. What does that mean? Is he ok with you continuing to see him and falling deeper and deeper in love, perhaps losing some of the affection and excitement and love you feel for your husband? Is he ok with you leaving him for the other man, if it comes to that? Did you discuss that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 I will never love my husband any less and he knows this. Do you love one parent more then an other? No! Every time you have a new baby do you stop loving the other ones? NO. It is the same thing. Love is infinet. I really don't think it'll come down to that, and even if I was not seeing this other man emotions can not be controled and if you try you get depressed and risk your happiness that way. My husband want me to be happy. He said even if it did eventually mean he's not the one in my life. I do not think that it'll come to this though. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I will never love my husband any less and he knows this. Do you love one parent more then an other? No! Every time you have a new baby do you stop loving the other ones? NO. It is the same thing. Love is infinet. I really don't think it'll come down to that, and even if I was not seeing this other man emotions can not be controled and if you try you get depressed and risk your happiness that way. My husband want me to be happy. He said even if it did eventually mean he's not the one in my life. I do not think that it'll come to this though. Oh, I see. He's ok with losing you to someone else. Are you ok with losing him to someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Auntieana it seems like both you and your husband do not have your priorities straight. It also seems like you two are looking for others in what is 'missing' between you two. This is a receipe for disaster which as you can see is already happening. Marriage takes lots of hard work, it's something you literally work at each day. The day you stop is the day that it starts to fall apart. Now in terms of 'swinging'. The only time I've seen this suceed is when the couple is mature and able to sepearate love from sex. It is apparant that you and your husband do not meet either of these. First off at your age you two do not know what you want and honestly should not have married at this age. It's only because you two have not sown your wild oats and it's showing. Secondly, you don't seem to be able to seperate love from sex. You admit this by having feelings for this guy. Swingers do not let this happen. Swinging is all about sex. Period. Swingers do not 'date' the third party. Honestly I think you two need marriage counseling and figure out what you two really want. You are doing so much damage to your marriage and don't even realize it. You are also hurting this other girl and continue a relationship with this other man. You have become the OW. And please do NOT consider having children at this point and make sure you use protection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 We are not swingers. There is a difference, and I do hate the fact that you judge me as if you know me. You know nothing of my true heart and intentions, and who ever said I had sex with the 3rd party. I would hate to lose my husband but I am willing to do that if it makes him happy. Link to post Share on other sites
2nd-Best Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 You cannot start a new relationship based on cheating, hes cheating on his fiance im sure without her knowledge (so thats lies) and you are cheating on your husband or openly cheating but falling in love with someone else. I don't think its as easy for woman to have open relationships like this because woman tend to fall in love with men after having sex with them more than a few tiems and well ,maybe not love but we develop feelings. anyways both guys sound bad, I dont think either of them should or would be open to sharing you if they do infact love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auntieana Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 I've been thinking it over and I think my husband and I have fallen into the friend situation. It was this way before we got married. But we both ignored it because we did truly love and care for each other. Though now it almost just feel like friends with benifits. I talked to my husband about this and he agrees it does feel like that, but he still wants to stay with me even though we both feel like we are just best friends with benifits, nothing more and it's been that way for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
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