got an email from exsMM's W

[Lookingforward]

Background... earlier this year as it was coming up to the one year mark since I moved in with exsMM and then he left to return to "work on his M and be with his kids" and we went LC then NC for all that time; I was feeling a little sad and lonely and did a search on his and his W's names on a couple of classmates/reunion type sites.

 

Both their names came up but no info per se, but apparently this site sends email if someone has been 'searching you' as I got an email from the site saying he had added me as a "friend", but never heard anything else and forgot about it. Still have no idea why he did that.

 

Then last week out of the blue I get an email to say I had a msge on that site so I logged in to find an email from his W. The basic gist of it was "what are you doing searching for me on the internet" (umm...free country last time I looked honey) and "why is xxx (her H) connected to you on your profile as a friend".

 

I haven't replied and am not all that inclined to, but was thinking it's ironic that now after over a year of NC she will believe we were still talking.

 

Should I email her and set her straight or just let it be? I have no idea of course whether she's asked him about it, but as his "join" date is the same as the day he got the search (early this year) it won't fly that it was a "leftover" from when he was separated......

[Owl]

Hmmm....well...lets see.

 

You WERE searching for both her and her H on the internet...after having had an affair with her H, why would it surprise you at all that she'd suddenly be VERY upset that she found that the two of you had started to resume contact that way? (no, you didn't resume contact, but you can clearly see why it LOOKED like you did)

 

Personally, I'd tell her the flat out truth...you did the search quite a while ago when you were still hurting after the end of the affair. He added you as of a week ago, but hadn't contacted you.

 

If she believes you, great. If not, that's not your problem. You were honest and up front.

 

The subject of the OW/OM will ALWAYS remain a bad one for the BS in the vast majority of situations. If my wife's exOM suddenly appeared to be trying to contact her, I'd have a very similar reaction as your exMM's wife did. Its hardly surprising that she responded the way that she did.

[jj33]

I would not contact her. She is protecting the intergrity of her family by making sure that you are not in contact with them and dont even think for a nanosecond that you can be in contact with them. Who knows if she knows her H added you as a friend. It doesnt matter.

 

She wants you out of their life for good. No trace no mention of your name. If you contact her it will only fuel the fire. I would let it be. And ignore the H if he tries to contact you. He is home he is staying there, let it be and move on with your life. The internet is tricky. Its too easy to do things that you wouldnt do in person.

 

And OMG I hope all the times I googled xMM and his family it didnt get back to them. I doubt it as it wasnt on any friends or reunion websites but I wont ever do that again.

[whichwayisup]

It's impossible for someone to know if you've googled them. I mean, imagine the millions of emails a famous person would have if they were alerted everytime someone googled them! Don't worry jj33!

 

LF, you should delete him as a friend from your list. There's no point in having him on there. Also, don't contact her, it's not worth it.

[jj33]

Thanks WWIU - of course you are right. Phew. Funny thing is I never asked much about his family and he frequently downplayed various things about family members when they came up. I often filled in the blanks by looking things up on the internet. I cant believe I wasted the time...

 

And yes WWIU is right delete him as a friend. It can only lead to trouble.

[whichwayisup]

I haven't replied and am not all that inclined to, but was thinking it's ironic that now after over a year of NC she will believe we were still talking.

 

Or, she wonders why you are contacting him now. You're assuming she is thinking that you two have been intouch all this time.

[wildsoul]

It's impossible for someone to know if you've googled them.

Slight hijack: It's not as impossible as you think!

• Some of the social networking sites, like the one the OP uses, will show a list of other members who have read their profile (and often, you must become a member in order to browse.)
  
• Some community sites are linked in with people's blogs (My Blog Log for example) and if you are also a member, then your name/face might even show up as a widget on their blog.
  
• Most website/blog owners have some kind of tracking where at minimum they can tell what search terms someone typed into Google to land on their site. Some will show the IP address or other information about visitors that can be figured out.
  

I do a lot of business activities online, and it's easy to deduce who is tracking me by reading the logs. Many many bloggers and so forth complain about x's cyberstalking them, even when the stalker doesn't comment or otherwise contact the blogger. People can tell. The net isn't as anonymous as you think.

[OpenBook]

Whoa, talk about a Blast from the Past! I'm a little confused about the timeline, but it really doesn't matter what you do at this point. She is obviously still on pins and needles with him. My guess is, he has recently pulled something else on her, that got her hunting for information... and you got sucked into it somehow, with the traces from your A still remaining on that website, or on his computer.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would politely and briefly tell her that you haven't been in contact with her prize of a H in ___ months, and that you've long since moved on with your life and would appreciate it if BOTH of them would leave you alone!

[jj33]

Thanks WS. futher to your slight hijack - that wouldnt apply to things like community events logs that didnt have blogs attached, newpapers and other very public domains would it?

 

And I guess it wouldnt matter they would be unlikely to contact someone and say your name was typed in a lot? guessing monitoring is done for marketing purposes so if MMs family doesnt own the sites they wouldnt know. One of xMMs family's enterprises owns one site I looked at but its been months since I looked at it and it gets so much traffic I dont think anyone would notice or care Oh my. Whats done is done. If he knows he never said anything.

 

(apologies for hijack)

[whichwayisup]

Slight hijack: It's not as impossible as you think!

 

Oh sorry, I meant if you're not logged in somewhere. If you search on a site and you're logged in, then yes. But I meant just doing a regular google search on someone's name. Haven't you ever googled yourself? hehe..

 

If I were in your shoes, I would politely and briefly tell her that you haven't been in contact with her prize of a H in ___ months, and that you've long since moved on with your life and would appreciate it if BOTH of them would leave you alone!

I agree, but she kind of did open a slight can of worms by searching for them both, them getting notified and her allowing him to add her as a friend on his list. If she hadn't searched for them on that website, MM's wife wouldn't have emailed her, period.

[OpenBook]

I agree, but she kind of did open a slight can of worms by searching for them both, them getting notified and her allowing him to add her as a friend on his list. If she hadn't searched for them on that website, MM's wife wouldn't have emailed her, period.

 

Early this year? As a "leftover" from when he was separated?? C'mon. It's old news. The W is just trying to dig up some dirt, in whatever way she can. It has nothing to do with LF. LF hasn't initiated anything in a long while. It's their problem now. I stand by my post. If it makes LF feel better to respond, then I don't see any harm - as long as she makes it clear she doesn't want to have anything more to do with either of them and their sick, sick lives.

 

Also, if LF doesn't respond, the W will continue to have suspicions about her, and it might get worse for LF.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

.

If I were in your shoes, I would politely and briefly tell her that you haven't been in contact with her prize of a H in ___ months, and that you've long since moved on with your life and would appreciate it if BOTH of them would leave you alone!

 

I agree! Honesty is the best policy here so just tell her the truth.

[jj33]

I agree! Honesty is the best policy here so just tell her the truth.

 

But if you are going to do that delete her H as a friend first so you are totally clean on your side.

[whichwayisup]

LF hasn't initiated anything in a long while.

 

Well, obviously his wife just found out about the searches, even if they were done a long time ago. It means she (MM's wife) logged into that website and had a notification that someone searched for her. I highly doubt his wife is digging up dirt on her.. Unless I'm missing some piece of the puzzle?? Or maybe she just noticed that LF is on her H's friend list and it bothered her. I don't know.. But assuming that his wife is harrassing her, digging dirt up on her doesn't make sense. Again, unless Im' missing something from LF's situation? You mention MM and his wife -sick, sick lives... (Maybe I should go back and read some of her older threads..)

[wildsoul]

And I guess it wouldnt matter they would be unlikely to contact someone and say your name was typed in a lot? guessing monitoring is done for marketing purposes so if MMs family doesnt own the sites they wouldnt know. One of xMMs family's enterprises owns one site I looked at but its been months since I looked at it and it gets so much traffic I dont think anyone would notice or care Oh my. Whats done is done. If he knows he never said anything.

 

(apologies for hijack)

It's mostly an issue when the site you're visiting is owned/managed by the person you are looking up. If they read their own reports, they might figure it out. Otherwise, not an issue with the type of sites you mentioned. The social networking sites seem to have unexpected rules though. I wouldn't like being in Lookingforward's shoes, where she didn't know that they could see she browsed them! That sucks.

[whichwayisup]

It's mostly an issue when the site you're visiting is owned/managed by the person you are looking up.

 

Kind of like the site that Caliguy has, he can keep a log of all IP address's that visit his site.

[Lookingforward]

Owl..it's not a crime to search for someone on the net as far I'm aware - just idle curiosity - and it wasn't an "affair" - he was separated and to all intents and purposes at that time the M was "over and done with", the W, his fiends, his kids knew about me. He didn't add me a week ago - he added me back in early May when I did the search......I got the email from HER a week ago.

 

jj33 - she knows he's on my contacts as a "friend" - as that was one of her questions as to why he was. (Don't ask me, ask him, he added me lol)

As far as protecting the integrity of her family - well that's debateable given the history - her family wasn't all that important when she was cheating on him. Protecting her mealticket maybe = ) I know for sure she wants me gone from their lives as in her pov I was the only "issue" their M had lol.

 

I also doubt very much he'll be staying for good once the kids leave it will be a whole new ball game.

 

WWIU - I know it's an assumption but it's a pretty good bet from the wording of her message that she thinks we are still in contact I'd say.

 

OB - I did send him an email back in June just stating that I wasn't prepared to "wait around and see if it worked out or not" anymore and that I would have no more contact with him.

 

fwiw - It's not like I don't know where they live and work and I even have the W and daughter's cellphone number if it comes to that - so not exactly "stalking" to just do a search from curiosity, I'm guessing she hadn't logged onto the site in a while, but am amazed she actually messaged me expecting a response considering.

 

As I said, just thinking it's ironic that she probably wouldn't believe we weren't talking anyway, even if both he and I denied it.

[Lookingforward]

I think as it's a free/pay site - they probably notify members they're being searched for to entice them to pay for the service....... most places, especially google, you wouldn't have a clue who was looking at what.

[jj33]

Looking I wasnt criticizing you - just thinking of it from her side. Whether her family has integrity is beside the point. You are out of it - she is living with this guy wondering what hes up to. As much as we hurt as the OW when it ends, its got to be at least as difficult being a W who knows and wonders what the H is up to.

[Lizzie60]

Hum... it all depends.. if she's been a biotch with you.. then I say.. yes, answer her.. (mouhahahahhaa)... if not.. just ignore her or email her back saying you have nothing to do with him anymore.. it was just out of curiosity.. blablabla...

[2sure]

Those classmate sites do let you know who searched you - when the searcher is a registered member. They also give the searcher the option to view anonymously but its just a tiny little box you check and easy to miss.

 

You mentioned that you did the search in May and then emailed him in June. Thats barely 3 months ago...she is still feeling threatened (even tho it wasnt u that broke them up).

 

Its nice that you considered explaining to her, but contacting her would probably be viewed as another passive intrusion.

[Meaplus3]

Background... earlier this year as it was coming up to the one year mark since I moved in with exsMM and then he left to return to "work on his M and be with his kids" and we went LC then NC for all that time; I was feeling a little sad and lonely and did a search on his and his W's names on a couple of classmates/reunion type sites.

 

Both their names came up but no info per se, but apparently this site sends email if someone has been 'searching you' as I got an email from the site saying he had added me as a "friend", but never heard anything else and forgot about it. Still have no idea why he did that.

 

Then last week out of the blue I get an email to say I had a msge on that site so I logged in to find an email from his W. The basic gist of it was "what are you doing searching for me on the internet" (umm...free country last time I looked honey) and "why is xxx (her H) connected to you on your profile as a friend".

 

I haven't replied and am not all that inclined to, but was thinking it's ironic that now after over a year of NC she will believe we were still talking.

 

Should I email her and set her straight or just let it be? I have no idea of course whether she's asked him about it, but as his "join" date is the same as the day he got the search (early this year) it won't fly that it was a "leftover" from when he was separated......

 

What is replying to the W going to accomplish? I'd let it be.. you need to move on. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[Darth Vader]

I wouldn't contact her, that would just cause more trouble. Now if he contacted you, perhaps then you could drop her a line to let her know what he's up to.

 

fwiw - It's not like I don't know where they live and work and I even have the W and daughter's cellphone number if it comes to that

 

 

You have that much info about her family? Dang! I'm suprised you don't have their social security numbers on file!:lmao: Or is that next week?:lmao:

 

I couldn't resist that one! But it sure is a lot of info to have about someone else's family!

[NoIDidn't]

I thought the "passive intrusion" phrase was interesting.

 

The OW in my H's EA searched me on the internet.

 

I was flattered. It meant that she was curious about me and my story in our M. She wanted to know "what she was up against", so to speak.

 

As far as him pulling something on her again, I doubt it. When your trust has been breached or your R is already on the rocks the feelings just well up every now and then. Its called being triggered. He may not have done anything at all. It may have only been the fact that she saw that she was being inquired into by the woman her H used to live with. So it probably wasn't him, but LF that triggered her.

 

Respond if you want to. But I doubt very seriously that you would be "setting her straight". So negative and confrontational, when the whole incident was started by your curiousity.

[Lookingforward]

You have that much info about her family? Dang! I'm suprised you don't have their social security numbers on file!:lmao: Or is that next week?:lmao:

 

I couldn't resist that one! But it sure is a lot of info to have about someone else's family!

 

Ummm...as I have stated very often before - it wasn't an "affair", we were planning a future together, so yes I did know a fair bit about him and his family, even met the kids, why is it so surprising?