How the hell am I supposed to act?

[Byren]

anyone that's read any of my recent posts will pretty much know what's goin' down, for anyone else interested in attempting to help me...

 

in a nutshell... a really good friend and myself recently admitted that we really like each other, but another one of our friends has also recently admitted his feelings for her. She claims that she doesn't want a relationship with him and has recently had a little discussion with him regarding what's going on.

The plan was to officially start going out after we'd announced our feelings for one another to him, but he's making it hard.

 

The guy doesn't seem to want to give up how he feels for her and claims that he'll be hurt if she were to go out with me. Because of this she told me that we should all just stay friends for now, at least until he's found someone else.

 

It's especally annoying that after he admitted his feelings for her and she said no that he went out with his ex again... seems to me that he doesn't care who he goes out with and he seems to be playing the whole "if I can't have her, nobody can" card.

 

This guts me since me and her have sort of been having a little relationship, secret from everyone else (we're housemates, and so's our friend, but he's only just moved back whereas we've been here alone all summer). I was all prepared to act all boyfriendy towards her once the news had leaked but now I'm confused.

 

Do I completely revert back to friend mode (which is hard, I don't think I properly act like the friend I used to be with these new feelings), or do I flirt with her, smile at her etc?

 

Just a bit more info... After she said we should just be freinds for now (friday) I got pretty depressed, drank a bottle of wine and decided to write up a list of why our friend shouldn't matter in this situation.

 

She listened to my list and came up with another list... I can't rememeber what she said (I was very drunk by that point) but whatever was said, I must have done well as I ended up sleeping in her bed... this was on friday, the day our friend went away fro the weekend. Things seem to have steadily become a little less flirtatious (maybe i'm overthinking.. that happens a lot), but I'm so confused.

 

Any advice on how I should be acting around her?

[jen's mind]

You are overthinking, but overthinking is caused by being stuck inside your own head. Talk openly with her and you won't have to overthink... your head will feel much better.

 

Anytime you're wondering how to act, just try speaking.

[Suiyobi]

Oh hell no. Dude, go after her! Forget the other guy. If he puts up a front, lay the smackdown on him. He does NOT own her and she should not feel that way either. She has the right to go with whoever she chooses and he has no excuse for being all wussy that he's gonna "get hurt" if she goes out with you.

 

anyone that's read any of my recent posts will pretty much know what's goin' down, for anyone else interested in attempting to help me...

 

in a nutshell... a really good friend and myself recently admitted that we really like each other, but another one of our friends has also recently admitted his feelings for her. She claims that she doesn't want a relationship with him and has recently had a little discussion with him regarding what's going on.

The plan was to officially start going out after we'd announced our feelings for one another to him, but he's making it hard.

 

The guy doesn't seem to want to give up how he feels for her and claims that he'll be hurt if she were to go out with me. Because of this she told me that we should all just stay friends for now, at least until he's found someone else.

 

It's especally annoying that after he admitted his feelings for her and she said no that he went out with his ex again... seems to me that he doesn't care who he goes out with and he seems to be playing the whole "if I can't have her, nobody can" card.

 

This guts me since me and her have sort of been having a little relationship, secret from everyone else (we're housemates, and so's our friend, but he's only just moved back whereas we've been here alone all summer). I was all prepared to act all boyfriendy towards her once the news had leaked but now I'm confused.

 

Do I completely revert back to friend mode (which is hard, I don't think I properly act like the friend I used to be with these new feelings), or do I flirt with her, smile at her etc?

 

Just a bit more info... After she said we should just be freinds for now (friday) I got pretty depressed, drank a bottle of wine and decided to write up a list of why our friend shouldn't matter in this situation.

 

She listened to my list and came up with another list... I can't rememeber what she said (I was very drunk by that point) but whatever was said, I must have done well as I ended up sleeping in her bed... this was on friday, the day our friend went away fro the weekend. Things seem to have steadily become a little less flirtatious (maybe i'm overthinking.. that happens a lot), but I'm so confused.

 

Any advice on how I should be acting around her?

[Meaplus3]

I think you should forget about the other guy.. and keep the lines of communication open with her, just sort of go with the flow. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[Byren]

Thanks for the advice guys, especially the "staying out of my head" thing, although I have been trying, and I've told her a lot about how I've been feeling over past situations. I don't want to seem needy and insecure by coming up to her with another problem!

 

Now here's something intereting that I've just remembered from friday night... While lying in her bed I told her that she was beautiful, which she liked, but then accidently let it slip a second time later on (seems one is ok, but 2 is waay too much). Soon afterwards she said that she hoped that I'd act like I did when we were just friends, but it would seem that I'm not. I guess I feel a little restricted in what I say and do now, afraid that I'll cock things up with her.

 

Urgh, I wish I hadn't drunk so much, there are so many things that I need to remember from that night, especially her list; I can't remember a single point she said to me from it. I've gotta try and get that off her somehow...

[Byren]

Ok, so I gave in and asked her about this...

 

Basically she said that for now we should just act as friends as it ends up hurting less people (yeah, sure...), but as soon as our friend finds someone else, which hopefully shouldn't take too long, then we're gonna start going out.

 

I told her that i want to flirt with her, and she understands and wishes that I would too, but she's worried that she might slip up and flirt in front of the other guy by accident. Thinking about this I think it's a load of bull, but whatever, there seems tobe no point in convincing her of anything anymore.

 

beh, so that's the update. If anyone has anything to say about this situation then it'd be much appriciated.

[Ronni_W]

for now we should just act as friends as it ends up hurting less people (yeah, sure...), but as soon as our friend finds someone else ... then we're gonna start going out.

What are her plans for when other guy's future relationship ends? If he starts "hurting" about how happy you guys are while he's all miserable over his break-up...is she gonna put HIS feelings ahead of HER own (and your) feelings and wishes... again???

 

What about when his goldfish dies and he gets even sadder when he sees you guys together? -- Does she know how much she's letting him manipulate her thoughts and control her actions? Is she okay with that?

 

Where is her concern for YOUR feelings of disappointment?

In this case, she's choosing to keep one person happy at the expense of two others - how is she reconciling that for herself? In any event, it is misguided if she thinks she can have a happy and successful life by only catering to the unreasonable or unrealistic whims of others.

 

Someone needs to help her understand that it's impossible for her to ALWAYS keep the peace and/or to ALWAYS please everyone. Not to mention that HER own needs and wants are at least as important as this other guy's - why does HE deserve to only have his feelings take into consideration?

[Byren]

You're totally right, Ronni, and i've brought this up.

 

It's really pissing me off that we're being held back, I'm even starting to think that she's just delaying 'us' because she's trying to figure out if this is what she wants or she's loking for an oppertunity to let me down lightly.

 

I asked her if she ever even wanted to be with me (before the list) and assured me that she does, and there are many signs that she does...

Today, for example, while crossing each other's paths in the living room she hugged and kissed me, then later while we were alone making brownies she leaned up against me with her head on my shoulder.

 

She knows she said that we shouldn't be flirting, and she said afterwards "this didn't happen" *smile*.. urgh, maybe I should just sit her down again and stress how much this is annoying me.

[Ronni_W]

maybe I should just sit her down again and stress how much this is annoying me.

I'd probably be going a completely different way, at this point. Something like, "I was really interested in seeing where we could go. But this is so not working for me. I don't understand your thought processes but I do respect your right to do what's best for you. But this ain't best for me. So I'm just gonna start looking around and hopefully find someone else who is ready and available to be with me the way I want to be with someone, right now. And that'll also help you to keep your wish of not hurting Other Guy."

 

That is. I'd be making myself clear on what I want, setting some boundaries, and demonstrating that I do take my own wants and needs seriously...and expect the person I end up with to put me ahead of some third person.

 

The way I'd see it, I've got nothing to lose by expressing my own feelings and asserting my own needs and desires -- she's already not too concerned about you and your feelings for her and your desire to get with her.

[Byren]

Is it even worth stressing how much of a good friend that she is?... Though unfortunately, however much I don't want to admit it, I think you're right. If I'm going to get her to show that she actually gives a damn I'm going to have to give her an ultimatum, but if she "lets me go" then I'll be far from happy.

 

I've had girlfriends before, but this one is the first I know as a friend first. As a best friend first.

If she weren't a friend i wouldn't be too bothered about using an ultimatum to sway her, but I feel different about doing it to her.

 

Argh, i need some more wine! =P

[Ronni_W]

Argh, i need some more wine!

I wouldn't give an ultimatum, no. But what is she going to "let you go" from? You were friends, you are friends, you're gonna stay friends, yes? All you want to do is let her know how significant she is as your best friend, and that you've decided it may be best for all concerned for you to seek a romantic partner outside of your circle of good and best friends.

 

PS: Please pass the bottle!

[Byren]

Well I told the guy what was going on, all 3 of us had a "nice" chat about it after I told him on his own. God I feel rotten.

 

He was all good about "I can't stop you guys from going out" kind of thing, and chatted for an hour or so. He wasn't happy with it, I think he's actually quite upset.

 

Soon after I'd gone to bed I got a text from her saying:

 

"whered all that come from? coulda done with a warning"

 

I relied with...

 

"I'm sorry, it all happened so fast when he brought it all up again and guilted me out going on about honesty. he deserved 2 know"

 

Then I sent another text saying...

 

"Help me out here, are you pissed at me?"

 

to which she replied...

 

"Probs just tired, want 2 talk 2u tomorrow about it"

 

normally we finish our texts with "x", which is obviously a warning signal. Besides this it's obvious that she's totally pissed off and all I did was tell him the f*cking truth. I feel so cornered and keep thinking that this could quite easily be the end. If I lose her over honesty...

[D-Lish]

I think you really have to switch up your game plan here. The best way to deal with the situation is NOT to give ultimatems or continue to pursue her. She knows you are anxious to be with her- and it's probable that that anxiousness will push her in the opposite direction.

 

You've let her know how you feel, and she is giving you mixed signals about how she feels and what she wants. Telling you that you can only be friend's for the sake of your room mate's feelings.... but inviting you into her bed and giving you flirty hugs and kisses after saying so??? Am I the only one that sees this isn't cool?

 

Your other roomie asks what is going on you tell him the truth... and she is mad? I mean- girl... make up your mid!

 

I wouldn't continue to "convince" her to be with you. That obviously isn't working for you- and the apologies and "are you mad at me?" texts are only giving her more and more power in this situation.

 

I'd take matters into your own hands and:

 

1) start going out more

2) remind her of HER own boundaries she has laid out the next time she tries to hug or kiss you

3) stop apologizing

4) Completely cease all efforts to convince her of why you two should be a couple.

 

AT the moment, it seems you're being led around by the nose by this girl- and it's time to take some power back. Give her what she is asking for and go back to acting completely platonic with her.

 

I'd be rounding up your guy friends and going out, not being home as much... out doing your own thing.

 

I think if she truly has feelings for you, the notion that she is losing your interest will give her some pause for thought about what she really wants.

 

When someone trly wants to be with you, they'll go out of their way to show you so. You are an example of that and how you pursue her. She can't possibly learn what she is missing out on if you are always so willing and available to her.

 

I know you really like her, and your guy rommie is being a loser.... This situation must be tough on all of you. But, if she's giving you these mixed signals, she's being really unfair ro you. It's time to back off and show a little indifference.

 

I'm telling you, if I was her, and I was on the fence- the thought that I might not have you where I am comfortable having you would push me into pusuit mode... it would certainly push me to make a decision.

 

We wrongly assume that by pushing ourselves on someone that we can convince them to like us and be with us. Unfortunately, the whole "we want what we can't have" rule of human nature applies more than people realize.

 

So, just back off and start doing the opposite of what you have been doing. It hasn't worked for you so far... it's time to change up how you are dealing with this. Give her space, and take space for yourself.

 

She can't figure out she misses you if you are being as available as you have been to her since this whole thing has started.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[Stung]

must agree with D-Lish here on plan of attack. i understand that, for your guy roommate, it might be painful, and for your female roommate, it might be awkward and she might feel guilty...but part of being an adult is learning to take responsibility for yourself, and only for yourself. if he starts moping around, he might be genuinely sad, but he's still being manipulative. and i can't decide whether she's just falling for his manipulations because she's too nice and easily guilted, or if she's deep-down secretly loving being the center of all this attention and is playing you along to keep the drama high, or some complicated mixture of both.

 

you need to set some rules, wherein people start acting like grownups. everybody's right: if she's really into you, dude, she will put you first. and if she doesn't, well, that's hardly the kind of girlfriend you want, right?

 

it might be time to consider a new living situation, no matter how this goes down.

[Trialbyfire]

She's juggling like a mofo! Back off.

[paddington bear]

Her saying 'I hope you can stay like this when we're friends' - you can't, it's impossible. A line has been crossed now and you can't take back all those feelings you let out. I'm glad you were honest with your flatmate about what's been going on. To me it seems she's made her mind up about how the situation has been resolved and you went and took matters into your own hands.

 

I agree with the other posters, she thinks she has you there forever, to drop as a boyfriend, pick up where you left off as friends, then drop as a friend and pick up as a boyfriend when the time is right.

 

It's crappy for your other room mate, if he really likes her, he has to see you two together all the time. Having said that, life is unfair and he has to deal with it. But so too does she. If she really wants to be with you, she shouldn't be letting this other guy stand in the way. And ok, so don't issue an ultimatum, but I see no harm in letting her know that if she wants to go back to being friends that she might lose you and not the other way around.

[Byren]

Thanks for all of your advice guys, it's much appriciated =)

 

Seems the other day I was just over thinking things, she came up to my room in the morning and told me that she thought I was the one that started the convo with the guy and was going for a moral highground. Once I'd explained how it'd actually gone down she was fine.

 

My housemate doesn't seem openly annoyed or sad, in fact he's just been acting just like he always would. Last night he even managed to pull some girl at a club so, happily, things seem to be going well for him!

 

There are a few things I can take from this like the backing off and stuff. I know all this anyway but seeing the bigger picture has always been a problem for me in relationships.

[Mystique01]

If I were you, I would just forget about the other dude.

 

Ask her seriously what it is she wants. She (supposedly) likes YOU...not him! You both like each other! That other guy is a non-entity as far as I'm concerned. Plus, you confessed your feelings to her first!

 

I'm confused as to why this girl is even letting this other guy rule her life. I know she feels bad for him and all, and I would too, but if it were ME in the situation, and I knew that a guy friend and I mutually liked each other, and there was another guy who confessed his feelings to me but I wasn't interested in him...I'd feel sorry for the poor guy, but I'd have to tell him calmly and nicely that I'm sorry, but so-and-so and I both like each other, and so we're going to try dating and see where it goes.

 

I'm wondering if this girl is NOT interested in that other guy, because for me, this situation would be a no-brainer!