A new twist to an age old topic.

[Doingitwell]

Here's the deal. Me and my wife have been married 10 years and together 13. I am closing in on 40 and my wife is 44 this year. We have two wonderful boys and for the most part our marriage is sound. My issue is this, for about the last year she is not wanting sex much. Let me back up, up until about a year ago our sex life has been very abundant.

4-6 times a week, frequent middle of the night action with her initiating it. At least 1 BJ a week for me, etc... Now that I've laid out a bit of history you can see my concern. I love my wife very much and would never go out of the relationship for sex, or anything else. As matter of fact, she is fine with me doing my own self-gratification using porn if needed. She has no issue with that and I don't hide it from her. I of coarse would rather be enjoying her body next to mine and taking care of her needs as well.

 

Before all of you start throwing your hat in the ring with "she's too tired from cooking, cleaning, kids, work, etc"...let me bring you up to speed. I work full time and she works part time. She does take the kids to school and picks them up most everyday. I do 75% of the cooking, 75% shopping, 95% cleaning, 100% yard work including trash and 50% laundry. We spend equal time with the boys as far as activities and homework. So if anyone should be complaining about being tired it would be me.

 

Im still like a rabbit when it comes to wanting to have sex with my wife. I enjoy her body and enjoy providing for her sexual and romantic needs all the time. When I say all the time I mean everyday would be good. Twice a day would be better. I've talked to her on a few occasions, explained how I felt, listened to her side. I told her that at my age, which is past the sexual prime of most men, I should be losing speed a little. I still can "get after it" as if I was 17, except with much more staying power...lol All the "plumbing" works very well, sometimes too good. She simply told me that she feels her desire for sex has diminished....I was shocked. She's at an age that she "should" still be very much "ripe" for the picking.

 

I mentioned that maybe she is pre-menopausal and stated it was no big deal to me as long as it wasn't ME as for her reason of sex, or lack of. I shouldn't have mentioned the "M" word, got an earful over that one. She say's her grandmother was in her 50's when it happened, (her mother died way before she would have reached that point so no comparison there). So I don't bring up the "M" word anymore.

 

Just last night in bed, for an hour, I gently massaged her body but made a point of staying away from her breasts or vagina in a stimulating manner as I didn't want to give the wrong impression as to why I was rubbing her. I just wanted to make her feel good.

 

I thought maybe I've changed in appearance and such so I took the steps of looking back at pictures of myself and the only noticable differences I can see is I have a few more gray hairs and about 10 lbs heavier. Which isn't much as I'm very stocky and muscular so I carry it very well. By the way, in comparison, she is 5'11" and 150lbs which is about 20 pounds heavier than when we met, although not fat.... I love her body.

 

Bottom line is this. I need to feel the warmth of a woman wrapped around my manhood in a very desperate way. I just hope I can find what if any underlying reason as to why she's not providing that experience.

 

My conclusion is this, and by all means I appreciate your input, but maybe she's just not interested in sex for any reason at all.

[manugeorge]

Hormones change as we age, it changes our feelings and desires for certain things, especially for women. You have to take it upon yourself to research that phenomenon and educate yourself on what could possibly be going on with your wife. No, she is NOT "at that age when she should still be ripe for the picking", a lot of women sexually peak in their 30s and things slow down after that.

 

If her attitude is still the same and your marriage is still sound then perhaps, like she said, her desire for sex is just naturally diminishing. At 40, getting it 4 times a week on the regular is a major feat. Majority of people are not that lucky.

 

I'll say you should cut her some slack and adjust your expectations accordingly. If she consents to you supplementing your sex life with mastubation and what not, then I'd take that.

[Walking away]

Maybe she needs you to romance her again.

 

I, for one, respond to a romantic gesture, be it flowers or a note or something like that.

 

Woo her again and see if that helps. It sure can't hurt.

 

Good luck.

[PandorasBox]

She's 44, it could be a number of things. One thing that comes to mind is, even if she is in her 50's when she reaches menopause, alot of women can be periomenopausal as early as 15 years prior to the onset of menopause. I'm not saying that is for sure what is going on with her but it could be something she can discuss with her doctor to find out for sure.

[quankanne]

the hormonies sound like the culprit here, not an aversion to you.

 

though to be honest, I think I hate you right now ... a strong back and willing pee-pee sound like heaven to me. So does sex more than once a year :laugh:

[Doingitwell]

Maybe she needs you to romance her again.

 

I, for one, respond to a romantic gesture, be it flowers or a note or something like that.

 

Woo her again and see if that helps. It sure can't hurt.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh the romance has not changed. I still compliment her each and every chance I get on how sexy and beautiful she is, and to be honest, I mean it. Several times a week if I go to bed before she does, as I get up much earlier than she, I'll light candles in our bedroom even though I'll be asleep when she gets there and there was no aforementioned words of sex that night. At least a couple times a month I leave her little love notes. I send her chummy and goofy emails often. I never skip an anniversary or special day and frequently leave her "just because" cards. By the way, flowers don't work for her, they never have...lol I give her frequent body rubs/massages with no underlying, pre-meditated thoughts or deals on my part. I do it because I want to.

 

We happen to work together in our business so I flirt with her whenever I can, discretion available of coarse.

 

One poster above mentioned "if her attitude is the same and the marriage is still sound, then maybe her desire for sex has changed".

Well, her attitude is the same and the marriage is still very solid, and I want it to stay that way, hence my concern for her. Some may read into this as my hang up with not getting sex, quite frankly it's the opposite, I worry about her and that I still "do it" for her. I've got my hand any time I want, that's certainly not an issue, but I would rather enjoy my wife in that manner.

 

I understand we all get older and things fall off....not literally I hope...lol But I wasn't expecting the towel to be thrown in this early on. Granted a woman's body is a complicated and an ever changing breeding ground of unpredictability and hormonal ebbs and flows. But after experiencing the sex life we have had for the first 12 or so years, my God what a significant swing. Her stamina and incredible desire for sex made a porno feel at home. It was mind blowing...no pun intended. After all said and done, I accept and love her for the woman she is and nothing will ever change that. I was/am just needing some clarity before I break my hand with masturbation and the worry marbles bouncing in my head actually drive me nuts.

 

Thanks all for your input.

 

Robert

[Walking away]

You sound like an amazingly sensitive man.

 

Your wife is one lucky woman.

 

Does your wife have more stress right now? Stress is a true mood killer for women.

[Darth Vader]

Since no one mentioned it, I guess I'll have to, and I certainly hope I'm WRONG!

 

No possibility of someone else? Like at work?

 

I'm not saying that it's not hormonal issues, it probably is, given the age thing.

 

There's meds for women these days, I think......... Like a Viagra for women, I dunno.

[quankanne]

my vote still goes toward hormones, because she's the right age to start experience the beginning of change.

 

I worry about her and that I still "do it" for her.

 

as mean as this might sound, it's actually sweet hearing a man admit this ... I think the best way to tell if you're no long considered "partner material" is if she goes out of her way to avoid you/avoid communicating with you. Like she's shutting herself off from you – that's how people normally withdraw.

 

if it's just a lessening of the occurancy of sex, and y'all are still physically affectionate, oh, honey, you're still the one she wants to set off her fireworks. Maybe not as often as before, but trust me, when a woman finds a man she can trust body, mind and soul, no one else could ever do, even if circumstances or events have changed.

 

hope this helps.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You talked about your body not having changed much over the years; 20 lbs is a lot for a woman (in her head).

 

You may still see her as the same and perhaps even better, but she may be experiencing changes that make her feel less than sexy. And that's hers to deal with. You can tell her she's hot and awesome until you're blue in the face, but until she sees it, she won't believe you. She'll believe you want her, sure, but she won't feel sexay, you know?

 

At 44, things are heading south and spreading out, and even though an outsider (even an intimate one) may not notice much difference, the insider (person in skin!) sees it all, everyday. I'd say it's time to work on her sexy mind, and take the focus off of her body, at least until she's comfortable enough to share it.

[Ronni_W]

...my concern for her. , I worry about her and that I still "do it" for her.

Robert,

Your concern for her is one thing, but is SHE concerned about her own current lack of desire for sex?

If a woman OR man is not interested in sex, then there is no need or reason for that person to have someone who is "doing it for" her or him. Put another way, what would be the point of having someone who makes one "hot" if one has zero desire/need to get hot? Would the psyche even be bothering trying to figure out who is hot and who is not? What would it care, about that?

 

So, if she isn't concerned for/about herself, then you might unconsciously becoming anxious about your own sexual attractiveness. Her (lack of) sexual response to you is about whatever is going on within herself. It is NOT a reflection on how "hot" (or not) you still are.

 

How old was her mom when she died? My brother started acting out-of-character as he approached the age at which our dad died. He never explored the underlying causes of his changes, but it may have been (subconsciously) related.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the best way to tell if you're no long considered "partner material" is if she goes out of her way to avoid you/avoid communicating with you. Like she's shutting herself off from you – that's how people normally withdraw.

The same thought occured to me - how is she acting outside the bedroom? Sex aside, have her personal interactions with you changed? Less talking? Less time together? Understanding her conduct there might give more insight into how she's feeling.

 

Also, you mentioned you have a business together. How is the health of the business? She could be affected or stressed from that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[blair08]

It might be several things and some things that may be a combination.

 

Hormones, depression, stress, someone else.

 

What has she said when you have talked to her about things? How is she with you outside of the bedroom?

 

Maybe suggest her seeing her medical doctor and go from there.

[Rorocher]

Robert,

Your concern for her is one thing, but is SHE concerned about her own current lack of desire for sex?

If a woman OR man is not interested in sex, then there is no need or reason for that person to have someone who is "doing it for" her or him. Put another way, what would be the point of having someone who makes one "hot" if one has zero desire/need to get hot? Would the psyche even be bothering trying to figure out who is hot and who is not? What would it care, about that?

 

So, if she isn't concerned for/about herself, then you might unconsciously becoming anxious about your own sexual attractiveness. Her (lack of) sexual response to you is about whatever is going on within herself. It is NOT a reflection on how "hot" (or not) you still are.

 

How old was her mom when she died? My brother started acting out-of-character as he approached the age at which our dad died. He never explored the underlying causes of his changes, but it may have been (subconsciously) related.

 

Ronni W is right. OP, you seem to be very concerned for her which is sweet but have you asked her if she is ok with things slowing down in the bedroom?

 

Ask her how she is feeling and try not to project your own insecurities on to her too much. If she is fine with the way things are, then try to find a compromise. Going from 4 times a week to 2 times is still good. Perhaps, you can incorporate other things into the mix.

[Doingitwell]

I'll try to answer most if not all of the questions from the posts above.

 

As far as how she "acts", she's quite frankly the same gal I fell in love with. She does all of the usual things that makes her what she is. We talk, we listen, we interact from one day to the next in typical straight line fashion. I won't kid you and say we don't ever have disagreements or arguments as we are humans, but never disrespectful or rude. And we always find common ground on anything that we debate.

 

And no she doesn't avoid me, ever. And I don't avoid her.

 

Yes, we have a business together. It's mostly family by blood or marriage in the company. Not a chance of there being someone else, she just isn't made up that way. If you knew her, you would understand what I mean.

 

Stress at work, nope, not that I'm aware of. She works 4 hours a day doing mainly office tasks. I'm sure she has her days that are tougher than others but for the most part it's a pretty comfortable and stress free environment.

 

As far as her weight. I agree to the post above, 20lbs can seem like a lot to a woman. To me how I perceive her she's just fine, if not better than in the beginning. Don't tell her, but I thought she was a bit skinny when we started dating. Now granted she has blessed me with two wonderful boys, a little weight there, she also has a non-surgically enhanced large bust which can be a bit of weight.

 

I will say this now that I think of it, I don't see her naked quite as much as I used to. I asked her how come a few weeks ago, I told her I enjoy seeing her naked, I like taking showers together (which has also stopped), and her reply was she doesn't like her body. WHAT!!! I say as I pound the brakes. Also know, she hasn't gained this extra weight just in the last year, she's pretty much had it since our youngest was born which was 6.5 years ago.

 

As far as how old she was when her mom passed, she was 18. She actually took care of her 3 younger brothers for several years as her dad had to work. Her mothers death doesn't seem to bother her as I can tell from over the years. I could be wrong.

 

I think I'm going to chalk it up to hormones and pre-menopausal symptoms. I would like for her to see a doctor on this specific subject. Not sure how I could do that. She did just have her yearly done with her OBGYN about a month ago. I wasn't there, but she said things were fine after I asked about the doctor.

 

Hope this maybe helps.

 

Robert

[Darth Vader]

The weight thing kinda tells you something. She needs reassurance from YOU! Before she looks elsewhere. I'm just saying that as a heads up for you.

 

It's good there's no one else, just don't be a slacker, if you know what I mean!

[2sunny]

why did ronniew refer to you as robert?

 

are we missing something?

[2nd-Best]

Have you considered that due to her age, she may be premenopausal this past year? which would change her hormones and her urge for sex!

 

I don't know much about my moms sex life, but she started Menopause at about 43-45ish and now she is 49 and she still has it but jsut not as bad anymore.. I know that it does change her mood and dipleets her energy or ambition to do things she normally would do.

 

Im not saying this is it, but it might be a possibility.

 

Also, a lot of menopausal woman don't want to admit it and feel that its a sign of age and a loss of their femininity... so she may not have discussed it with you yet if it is pre menopause? or maybe she has.. but that could be the answer or it may not be..

[Ronni_W]

why did ronniew refer to you as robert?

 

are we missing something?

That's how he signed post #6 (For a minute there, I thought I was losing it BIG time...usually I only lose it small time!)