Not sure how to proceed

[BCCA]

So, quick rundown, my ex and I have been broken up about 5 weeks. We dated for about 4 years. 2 weeks after the breakup, I emailed to ask if she wanted to get coffee, she said not yet, I said thats totally fine and left it at that. 3 weeks later, I get an email from her asking if we could still meet up. This was on a Friday, so I waited until late in the day (4:30) to respond that I was busy this weekend, but maybe we can figure something out next week, or even the following weekend.

 

Bright and early yesterday, I get an email saying how about tomorrow (which is now today). We exchanged a couple emails about what to do, and eventually decided to meet at a coffee shop by my house and go from there. I told her I would call her last night, and I did. It was a pleasant chat, just under 10min, and I got off the phone first because I had to go somewhere. She was actually thinking we could meet up last night, but I put it off until tonight.

 

So, my idea is to have a brief visit with her (less than an hour) and feel her out. I think roles have reversed a bit, and she is now chasing me a bit. I dont know what her intentions are, but I figure I can wait and see.

 

What does everyone else think?

[LisaDee]

well from my end, i feel she sees you're moving forth and perhaps is questioning herself

yeah there is no harm in really meeting her, but in the end you have to wonder what her motivations really are. it seems each time you move forth with your business,she rushes back

her wishes to see you and spend time could be geniuine or they could just echo the thoughts of 'why isnt he running back towards me'

trust me i know, i'm ashamed to say it but i did it with my last major boyfriend. I broke up with him, and soon after he was trying to get in touch, to touch base and so forth...i didn't respond as he wished so he sort of moved on, and then of course i went nuts wondering why he wasn't chasing me as before

it's selfish but it happens. however like i said, perhaps her reasons for wanting to see you are more simple, she just might want to catch up.

at this point, think of what would make you happier, would seeing her really be beneficial?

[BCCA]

well from my end, i feel she sees you're moving forth and perhaps is questioning herself

yeah there is no harm in really meeting her, but in the end you have to wonder what her motivations really are. it seems each time you move forth with your business,she rushes back

her wishes to see you and spend time could be geniuine or they could just echo the thoughts of 'why isnt he running back towards me'

trust me i know, i'm ashamed to say it but i did it with my last major boyfriend. I broke up with him, and soon after he was trying to get in touch, to touch base and so forth...i didn't respond as he wished so he sort of moved on, and then of course i went nuts wondering why he wasn't chasing me as before

it's selfish but it happens. however like i said, perhaps her reasons for wanting to see you are more simple, she just might want to catch up.

at this point, think of what would make you happier, would seeing her really be beneficial?

 

I've thought about a lot of that, and that's why I'm kind of keeping my gaurd up and moving cautiously. I think by putting her off over the weekend it made the point that I'm not dying to see her. She could just be lonely/bored/horny though. She isn't getting 'any' from me anytime soon, thats for sure, thats why were meeting at a coffee shop.

 

I think I have to let this play out so I dont have any regrets. Im not getting my hopes up, but Im not going to think worse case scenario either. Who knows, could be nice to catch up and leave things on a pleasant note.

[BCCA]

Just an update...

 

I met up with her for coffee. We chatted for a while, and I asked if she needed to go or anything, and she said no, so we decided to play video games at her house for a while. After we were done, I grabbed her hand and said it was nice to see her. She agreed, and apologized for things happening the way they did, and I said it was fine. She asked if I've been meeting any girls, and I just said "a gentleman never tells" jokingly, and asked her if she met any cute guys. She said 'I wish' and none of her friends are ever down to do anything. I told her you just got to get out there, and it takes some time. She asked if I was ok, and I said I was just fine. I asked if I should go, but she said no, it was still early. I stayed for about 15min and then said I should go.

 

She asked what I had to do, so I made up something about homework, and went to leave. She said 'we'll talk soon?' and I said sure, gave her a big hug, and was on my way.

[sultry33]

Just an update...

 

I met up with her for coffee. We chatted for a while, and I asked if she needed to go or anything, and she said no, so we decided to play video games at her house for a while. After we were done, I grabbed her hand and said it was nice to see her. She agreed, and apologized for things happening the way they did, and I said it was fine. She asked if I've been meeting any girls, and I just said "a gentleman never tells" jokingly, and asked her if she met any cute guys. She said 'I wish' and none of her friends are ever down to do anything. I told her you just got to get out there, and it takes some time. She asked if I was ok, and I said I was just fine. I asked if I should go, but she said no, it was still early. I stayed for about 15min and then said I should go.

 

She asked what I had to do, so I made up something about homework, and went to leave. She said 'we'll talk soon?' and I said sure, gave her a big hug, and was on my way.

 

hi you did great;)

 

so is this closure? or maybe a 2nd chance? or unsure?

 

i wish i had been stronger

[BCCA]

hi you did great;)

 

so is this closure? or maybe a 2nd chance? or unsure?

 

i wish i had been stronger

 

I'm thinking second chance. It was good to see her, and get a feel for how she was thinking, but it seemed to me like she was doubting her decision. My plan now is to go back to NC until I hear from her, which I have no doubt will be within the next week.

 

I think she misses me and seems lonely. I'll let everyone know how it plays out.

[CaliGuy]

I'm thinking second chance. It was good to see her, and get a feel for how she was thinking, but it seemed to me like she was doubting her decision. My plan now is to go back to NC until I hear from her, which I have no doubt will be within the next week.

 

I think she misses me and seems lonely. I'll let everyone know how it plays out.

 

Make sure she has to earn you back. Don't just rush back to where you left off or you will end up breaking up again.

 

Start over, like a new relationship. One day at a time.

[BCCA]

Make sure she has to earn you back. Don't just rush back to where you left off or you will end up breaking up again.

 

Start over, like a new relationship. One day at a time.

 

Caliguy, what do you think of the intereaction? Do you agree with my assesment that she's lonely and wants me back?

 

I appreciate your feedback, as always!

[BCCA]

If anyone else has any feedback about out interaction, I would love to hear it!

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy, what do you think of the intereaction? Do you agree with my assesment that she's lonely and wants me back?

 

I appreciate your feedback, as always!

 

Yes, I agree. But remember, it's actions that speak of the heart, not words. Don't pay attention to what she says. Pay attention to what she DOES. That is the only real litmus test of how she really feels.

 

I have learned that the hard way. They can say they love you until the cows come home but if their actions aren't proving it, well, they don't really love you.

 

Lonely people will do some really strange things to keep someone around until they find someone they like better. Don't allow yourself to be used in such a way. Confident, secure people will know when to walk away. I think you'll figure it out on your own just by paying attention to her behavior.

[BCCA]

Yes, I agree. But remember, it's actions that speak of the heart, not words. Don't pay attention to what she says. Pay attention to what she DOES. That is the only real litmus test of how she really feels.

 

I have learned that the hard way. They can say they love you until the cows come home but if their actions aren't proving it, well, they don't really love you.

 

Lonely people will do some really strange things to keep someone around until they find someone they like better. Don't allow yourself to be used in such a way. Confident, secure people will know when to walk away. I think you'll figure it out on your own just by paying attention to her behavior.

 

Good points. I guess for now, I'm going to wait on a call/email from her. I would be shocked if I didn't hear from her before the weekend. From there, I'm just going to do what feels right and keep close tabs on her behavior.

[0hpenelope]

 

Lonely people will do some really strange things to keep someone around until they find someone they like better.

....

Confident, secure people will know when to walk away.

 

These are priceless nuggets of wisdom.

 

People do do really funny things when they're lonely. It's always so... self-centered, without regard for whom they're hurting. As long as their needs are being met, feelings of the other person be damned. Sometimes, for some reason, they don't even realize what they're doing is wrong.

 

I feel hopeful in your situation, bro. Keep us posted.

[BCCA]

Thanks for the heads up, I'm trying to keep that in mind. I'm just sitting back and watching what happens from here on out. I havent heard from her since the meet up, but its only been a couple days, and the weekend will be upon us soon. I'm expecting to hear from her in the next couple of days, but it wont hurt my feelings if I dont. I actually have another date tonight and Sunday, so Im REALLY trying not to put all my eggs in this one basket.

 

I feel like she's doubting her decision, but the only person who knows for sure is her, and I'm not going to get my hopes up. If I dont hear from her again, I'll be just fine.

[touchedbyfire]

I agree with the other posters with regard to being careful about why she may want a second chance (IF she wants a second chance). If it's merely out of loneliness/boredom, it's almost an inevitability that she will walk away again eventually. Make sure she wants a second chance for the right reason - because she wants YOU.

[BCCA]

I agree with the other posters with regard to being careful about why she may want a second chance (IF she wants a second chance). If it's merely out of loneliness/boredom, it's almost an inevitability that she will walk away again eventually. Make sure she wants a second chance for the right reason - because she wants YOU.

 

Thats always the hardest part, figuring out what it is she wants. It could be so many things that I have to really take everything in stride. Right now, my thought is that she's reconsidering her decision, but where that leads her is anyone's guess. She could simply be looking for validation that shes not a terrible person, or just be bored.

 

It's like hurry up and wait for me right now. I know she'll contact me at some point soon, but when and for what, I couldnt tell you. A small part of me is trying to keep in mind that I just might not hear from her again, so I'm prepared for that as well.

[Trialbyfire]

Why don't you just ask her what she wants, instead of playing her game? If she's got the balls to tell you that she wants back, you can make an educated decision as to what you want to do.

 

If she pisses around the issue, she's not committed to wanting to make it work.

[BCCA]

Why don't you just ask her what she wants, instead of playing her game? If she's got the balls to tell you that she wants back, you can make an educated decision as to what you want to do.

 

If she pisses around the issue, she's not committed to wanting to make it work.

 

That would make it FAR too easy for her, and I dont even want to bother calling her to ask that. If she wants me back, she can come to me and let me know. Everyday that goes by is another chance for me to find some one else, which I would happily do. If she wants to sit on her hands and wait for me to come to her with options, then she obviously doesnt care. I have no intentions of contacting her anytime soon. If my phone doest ring, so be it.

[Trialbyfire]

That would make it FAR too easy for her, and I dont even want to bother calling her to ask that. If she wants me back, she can come to me and let me know. Everyday that goes by is another chance for me to find some one else, which I would happily do. If she wants to sit on her hands and wait for me to come to her with options, then she obviously doesnt care. I have no intentions of contacting her anytime soon. If my phone doest ring, so be it.

I'm not suggesting that you call her. I'm suggesting that you ask her point-blank, the next time she contacts you.

[audrey_1]

Lonely people will do some really strange things to keep someone around until they find someone they like better. Don't allow yourself to be used in such a way. Confident, secure people will know when to walk away.

 

This is true. And I have found that it is him that put a dent in my confidence, so it is even more important for me to walk away, so that I can regain it.

[BCCA]

I'm not suggesting that you call her. I'm suggesting that you ask her point-blank, the next time she contacts you.

 

My concern is that she can say whatever she wants, but her words mean little without some actions to back them up. I want to SEE her work to regain what we had, not just give me some speach about it. I think when/how she contacts me again will tell me a lot. Again, I'm not getting myself psyched up that I'll even hear from her, because there is always a chance I wont. If she opens up the conversation about us, I'll ask her what she wants, but I dont want to make it easy for her. If she cant get the balls to bring it up or ask me, then she isnt that interested.

[audrey_1]

If she cant get the balls to bring it up or ask me, then she isnt that interested.

 

Or isn't sure enough for you to lose any progress you've made while she's still waffling about it.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm curious about something BCCA, who was the more aggressive or dominant one in your relationship. In other words, who pursued who first and as your relationship progressed, who made most of the day-to-day decisions?

[BCCA]

I'm curious about something BCCA, who was the more aggressive or dominant one in your relationship. In other words, who pursued who first and as your relationship progressed, who made most of the day-to-day decisions?

 

Well, I asked her out first, but for a while we were stuck to eachother like glue. We went after eachother, HARD all the time. When we fell in love, it was perfect.

 

As time went on, I kind of let her have her way because I thought I was being nice and didnt want to argue about trivial stuff. She ended up making a lot of the decisions, which I know probably caused her to lose some respect/interest for me. Ive always been an easy going guy, but I think with her, I just put up with WAY too much 'bratty' behavior. My input was less respected as time went on.

[Trialbyfire]

Well, I asked her out first, but for a while we were stuck to eachother like glue. We went after eachother, HARD all the time. When we fell in love, it was perfect.

 

As time went on, I kind of let her have her way because I thought I was being nice and didnt want to argue about trivial stuff. She ended up making a lot of the decisions, which I know probably caused her to lose some respect/interest for me. Ive always been an easy going guy, but I think with her, I just put up with WAY too much 'bratty' behavior. My input was less respected as time went on.

So then, what do you feel will regain her respect? Someone who's assertive or someone who waits, allowing her full control to play at her pace and timing?

[BCCA]

So then, what do you feel will regain her respect? Someone who's assertive or someone who waits, allowing her full control to play at her pace and timing?

 

I disagree with your assesment. Contacting her will not make me look assertive, it will make me look needy. If she sees that I have to call her and ask her about us, shes going to think Im sitting at home by the phone waiting on a call and wondering about us 24/7, which Im not. She does not have full control of anything but herself, same with me. If I contact her and act clingy, then yes, she does have control. She doesnt have any idea what I do with my days, who I spend them with, or anything else. For her to realize that she's going to lose me, she needs to see that I'm not pining over her call or waiting for her word to do anything. I'm doing my own thing, and if she wants to be part of it, she needs to let me know, otherwise someone else will fill her spot.

 

I dont think calling her is going to make me look good at all, it will have the opposite effect. "He misses me more than I miss him" is what shell think. By waiting for her to come to me I'm at least making her wonder. If she calls me and wants to talk about things, then she can try and if Im not busy, sure. But going to her and asking her what shes thinking is going to make me look insecure and needy.