Not sure how to proceed

[BCCA]

Could it be that she got a little "fix" from seeing you, and is still riding on that feeling? So if you contact her she'll continue to have that feeling?

 

It's funny, I dreaded breaking NC, and was all but convinced that I HAD to stay away. If she wanted to talk, she would let me know right?

 

Well, I broke the cardinal rule of LS, and broke NC. Sent a friendly email, see if we could chat sometime after work in the next couple of days. I got an email back about 20 minutes later, saying sure, call me anytime, hope youre doing ok, etc.

 

So, I'm going to call her, probably tomorrow night. I just dont know what to make of things, and I'm tired of guessing. I cant tell you right now if this was the right move, per say, but I felt like it was something I needed to do for piece of mind. So far, I would say the response has been better than expected, and with a reply very quickly.

[megapositive]

Wow, sounds good! Keep up the going slow, taking it cautiously... Good job BCCA!

[northstar1]

It's funny, I dreaded breaking NC, and was all but convinced that I HAD to stay away. If she wanted to talk, she would let me know right?

 

Well, I broke the cardinal rule of LS, and broke NC. Sent a friendly email, see if we could chat sometime after work in the next couple of days. I got an email back about 20 minutes later, saying sure, call me anytime, hope youre doing ok, etc.

 

So, I'm going to call her, probably tomorrow night. I just dont know what to make of things, and I'm tired of guessing. I cant tell you right now if this was the right move, per say, but I felt like it was something I needed to do for piece of mind. So far, I would say the response has been better than expected, and with a reply very quickly.

 

I absolutely understand the need to figure out exactly where you stand and not live in this unsure status. Just go into any meeting with your expectations in check - be prepared for the worst possible case scenerio and go from there - and perhaps it will go better than expected. Good luck.

[BCCA]

I absolutely understand the need to figure out exactly where you stand and not live in this unsure status. Just go into any meeting with your expectations in check - be prepared for the worst possible case scenerio and go from there - and perhaps it will go better than expected. Good luck.

 

The way I look at it, whats the worse that can happen? I doubt anyone would agree to talk to me with the intention to be mean. She had a golden opportunity to 'make a point' with the email, and didn't. Am I getting my hopes up? No, I know better. Am I getting my hopes down and anticipating a horrible result? No, I dont see any reason to.

 

I think so far, it sounds pretty positive. Sure, there is more than one possible reason, but life is a risk. If you want something you have to be willing to put yourself out there and bear the reprecussions.

[BCCA]

So, we talked. At first she was a little hesitant, but I asked her if we could talk in person sometime soon. When she asked about what, I said that I've taken a lot of time for self reflection, and have taken steps to improve what I thought were my problems that caused the bad spots of our relationship. No long term promises, but I would like to see eachother as friends, since thats what we started as, and see what happens. I dont want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. She said 'fair enough'. She said something about being lonely, and I said I would like to be there for eachother during the lonely times. I said we dont need to focus on our old relationship, maybe the good times, but focusing on our old problems was pontless. She said she was busy this week, and so was I, but I told her to give me a call next week sometime. She agreed.

 

I feel pretty confident here. This seems like a good sign that she's agreeable to anything. I think I'm going to learn a great deal of patience during this ordeal, but I could probably use it. I'm interested in any honest opinions.

[Trialbyfire]

BCCA, when you don't talk about your past problems, there's never any resolution for issues that need addressing. The next time the same issue arises and guaranteed it or something similar will arise, any built up resentment will come rushing to the forefront.

 

To promise to fix your own issues, is assuming that the entire problem resides with you. I doubt it.

[sunshinegirl]

So, we talked. At first she was a little hesitant, but I asked her if we could talk in person sometime soon. When she asked about what, I said that I've taken a lot of time for self reflection, and have taken steps to improve what I thought were my problems that caused the bad spots of our relationship. No long term promises, but I would like to see eachother as friends, since thats what we started as, and see what happens. I dont want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. She said 'fair enough'. She said something about being lonely, and I said I would like to be there for eachother during the lonely times. I said we dont need to focus on our old relationship, maybe the good times, but focusing on our old problems was pontless. She said she was busy this week, and so was I, but I told her to give me a call next week sometime. She agreed.

 

I feel pretty confident here. This seems like a good sign that she's agreeable to anything. I think I'm going to learn a great deal of patience during this ordeal, but I could probably use it. I'm interested in any honest opinions.

 

IMO you're setting yourself up to be back burner guy or FWB. From your description she doesn't at all sound enthusiastic about being with you, and YOU are the one initiating talk of getting back together. Didn't SHE break up with YOU? Where is HER effort to win you back? Where was her reciprocal description of "and here's what I think I did badly in our relationship and here's what I'm going to fix"?

 

You're not requiring her to make any effort, you're offering yourself up to be her lap dog when she gets lonely. And when someone's lonely, any warm body will do. What confidence do you have that she misses YOU and wants to be with YOU?

 

I don't like how this is unfolding. You're the one making all the effort. You have taken one crumb of attention from her (wanting to see you a few weeks ago) and you're spinning it into a romantic reconciliation.

 

No. If you want to know what someone's behavior looks like when they want to get back together with someone they dumped, go review Foxh1234's threads. His ex was pounding down his door to get him to talk to her; apologizing for her wrongdoing; promising to do things differently. Your ex is sitting back and saying things like "fair enough" when you say you want to rebuild a relationship.

 

I think you're hearing what you want to hear.

 

I'm sorry for the harsh words here but I can't get on board with others who are encouraging you in this... please be careful.

[Ingenue]

I have to agree with sunshinegirl here. Your ex broke up with you and you're doing all the work to re-establish a connection with her. As the dumpee, your position on the relationship was clear; presumably you didn't want to break up. Your ex did. By reinserting yourself into her life without forcing her to reflect on her position, her mistakes in the relationship and her desires, you're bound to experience heartache again.

 

If you love your ex and still do want a relationship with her, allow her to come back to you, on her own accord, fully of heart. Only then, after she has gone through serious introspection, examined her own role in the relationship accordingly and adjusted her attitude, can her motives and desires be seen as genuine.

 

Tread carefully.

[BCCA]

Points taken. I'm not going to run over and be her lap dog when she gets lonely, trust me. I'm still dating other girls and have no intentions of sleeping with her for a long while (so fwb is out). And she has made big strides in communicating since we split.

 

I'm not taking all the blame here, trust me. But you cant expect someone else to go to a therapist and get better if youre not willing to do so yourself.

 

Honestly, Fox's story isnt as cut and dry as youre making it. His ex left him, lived with another guy and wouldnt talk to him for 4 months. Then, when things didnt work out with the new guy she was banging down his door. Its not like she took some time to reflect and realized the error or her ways. Her other plan blew up in her face.

 

As things stand right now, we have no scheduled visits/talks in the near future. She's going to call me when she has time next week, and we'll see what happens. I have to start somewhere. I know what the general consensus is about digging your heels in the sand and waiting for the other person to come admit all their faults, but how many people here have seen that happen? (again Fox's story isnt so simple). You need to admit some fault, agree to work on it, and see what happens. I've made no assurances to her that I would come running when she needs someone.

 

As for the 'fair enough' is you knew my ex, that's more then I would ever get out of her. She hardly wanted to talk/listen at all. The fact that she did and agreed to something I thought of is very different.

 

Look, Im not saying things are on the up and up, perfect, and we'll be together tomorrow. What I'm saying is that I think we took some baby steps last night, and we'll see what happens from here. I wont be her doormat/FWB/backup...wont happen, trust me. Im not putting my life on hold or all my eggs in one basket. Knowing her, sitting on my hands and waiting for everything to happen while I went NC was just unrealistic.

[Trialbyfire]

It's about mindset. When both parties are willing to work on both sets of issues together as a unit, sky's the limit. When one party shoulders the responsibility of the entire relationship, this is when things go south.

 

Denial in any form, is a relationship killer.

 

Having said all that, you can use her lonliness to your advantage. You decide what makes sense to you.

 

I'm assuming she didn't cheat on you. If so, scratch everything I've said and run far, far away!

[BCCA]

It's about mindset. When both parties are willing to work on both sets of issues together as a unit, sky's the limit. When one party shoulders the responsibility of the entire relationship, this is when things go south.

 

Denial in any form, is a relationship killer.

 

Having said all that, you can use her lonliness to your advantage. You decide what makes sense to you.

 

I'm assuming she didn't cheat on you. If so, scratch everything I've said and run far, far away!

 

She didnt cheat on me.

 

I'm not taking sole blame for anything. But by the same token, nothing is all her fault either. I never said anything was all my fault, I repeatedly said I'm willing to work on my 50% of the problem. Since this is the first time we talked about it, I thought it was premature to get into what shes going to do, and what we both expect. Right now, neither one of us should expect much from the other.

 

When we sit down and talk next week, we'll get into more of an in depth look at things. But pointing a finger and telling someone what they need to do at this point is pointless. I need her to realize what she did on her own, not make demands and point out her faults.

 

I'm not calling her or making an effort to talk to her until she's ready to meet up. I just simply let her know that I was still interested in making things work and taking it slowly. No pressure, no expectations...just see what happens.

 

Not everyone in the world is as strong as we would like them to be. There isnt a simple formula, i.e. stay no contact until she beats down your door in tears. I would never do that myself, even if I did want someone back. You have to show people youre willing to make some effort on bettering yourself if you expect them to do the same. Trust me, this isnt going to be a 'whats wrong with me' experience, where I just take all the fault and talk about what Im going to do. We have to do it together.

[sunshinegirl]

BCCA, I said what I did above because I have been in your shoes and I have done, essentially, what you are doing. Which is, justify and sympathize and make excuses for my ex's behavior, and making it really really really easy for him to get back into a relationship with me. I never really expected him to own his issues, be self-reflective, be VERBAL, about what he thought needed to change for us to have a successful round 2.

 

All I am saying is that you are setting yourself up to hold her hand all the way down the aisle, and in the end, guess what? If she never has to take an emotional risk, she's never going to get emotionally (re)invested.

 

That's the extremely painful lesson I learned in my own relationship. My ex was never a terribly expressive person, didn't like talking about emotions, never discussed the state of our relationship. When we were talking about whether to become exclusive (which *I* brought up), he could barely even verbalize what he wanted, to the point where I literally had to say "use your words. Do you want me to stop seeing these other guys?" At the time I thought it was cute - oh, he's just so introverted and not used to the dating game! Awww, he's shy/scared. Oh, let me make it easy for him and he'll loooove me for it.

 

I sound sarcastic about it now, but at the time that was my heartfelt sentiment. I took responsibility for him and his feelings and his desires even then. It was a huge mistake. And it meant that I did the emotional/communication work for both of us. And it didn't work. It doesn't work. It won't work.

 

IMO you are still making things way too easy for her. If she doesn't own up to her end of what went wrong the next time you talk, then please don't think it's cute. Don't think "oh, I just need to be more patient/loving and then she'll open up. If I talk even more about what I did wrong, maybe she'll get the hint and start talking about her side." Please consider the real possibility that you might be trying to reconcile with someone who is incapable of self-examination; someone uninterested in self-examination; someone unable to grow and change; someone who doesn't fundamentally want you but is lonely and doesn't have a 'better prospect' yet. Be very very very careful: if that's the case, as soon as she meets someone who rings her bell, you will be dumped like a bad habit.

[BCCA]

I have definitely kept the idea in my head that she could be using me. The problem I have with that is that we rarely talk and have only seen each other 1 time in the last 2+ months. I'm not saying that she wont want to start using me, or that I'm going to take all the fault and hope thats enough to get her back. This was our first conversation about things since the breakup, and we werent even sure we would ever talk again. I cant get everything out and resolve every issue over the phone in the 2nd conversation we had since the breakup, I think that would be premature.

 

Again, when we actually get a chance to sit down and chat, the points you've raised WILL be addressed. There needs to be a mutual desire to get some help on this, and I want us to go to counseling. I cant very well ask someone to go to counseling if I wont go for my own problems. By demonstrating that I'm willing to work on myself for a better relationship I'm taking the pressure off of her to take the full burden. We need to split the blame.

 

Also, sex is not involved at all. So, the part about being exclusive is a ways off. If I met a cute girl at a bar tonight that wanted to go home with me, guess what? She would be going home with me. We are not exclusive and will not be until she works on herself and we can resolve some things.

 

I will no longer tolerate wishy washy behavior, I will stand up for myself and what I want, and I'll be a stronger person - even if it ends up being without her.

 

I did make the road back easier to start, but finishing it is still going to take a lot of work. We will NOT be together until she changes and takes her half of the blame. We will not even have sex until that time.

 

I appreciate your opinions. Looking at things though, I dont see that Im being used right this moment. I have both eyes WIDE open and will keep tabs on how things go, but right now, she isnt getting much from me to use.

[BCCA]

If I met a cute girl at a bar tonight that wanted to go home with me, guess what? She would be going home with me

 

From my lips to God's ears...thank you for Thursday night happy hour!