Not sure how to proceed

[Trialbyfire]

I disagree with your assesment. Contacting her will not make me look assertive, it will make me look needy. If she sees that I have to call her and ask her about us, shes going to think Im sitting at home by the phone waiting on a call and wondering about us 24/7, which Im not. She does not have full control of anything but herself, same with me. If I contact her and act clingy, then yes, she does have control. She doesnt have any idea what I do with my days, who I spend them with, or anything else. For her to realize that she's going to lose me, she needs to see that I'm not pining over her call or waiting for her word to do anything. I'm doing my own thing, and if she wants to be part of it, she needs to let me know, otherwise someone else will fill her spot.

 

I dont think calling her is going to make me look good at all, it will have the opposite effect. "He misses me more than I miss him" is what shell think. By waiting for her to come to me I'm at least making her wonder. If she calls me and wants to talk about things, then she can try and if Im not busy, sure. But going to her and asking her what shes thinking is going to make me look insecure and needy.

Once again, you're assuming that I'm suggesting you contact her first. I'm not.

 

If and when she calls you, you say something like this:

 

I'm curious about something. What exactly are you looking for from me?

 

There's nothing needy or clingy about direct questions. If she avoids responding or starts to pussy foot around, shut down the contact. Reward good and honest behaviour with continued communications, shut down bad or wishy-washy behaviour with no contact (not NC though). This way, you control the contact in an assertive manner.

 

Do what you want though. I'm not here to control your view or actions you choose to take. Just offering my perspective. Good luck!

[BCCA]

Once again, you're assuming that I'm suggesting you contact her first. I'm not.

 

If and when she calls you, you say something like this:

 

I'm curious about something. What exactly are you looking for from me?

 

There's nothing needy or clingy about direct questions. If she avoids responding or starts to pussy foot around, shut down the contact. Reward good and honest behaviour with continued communications, shut down bad or wishy-washy behaviour with no contact (not NC though). This way, you control the contact in an assertive manner.

 

Do what you want though. I'm not here to control your view or actions you choose to take. Just offering my perspective. Good luck!

 

Ahh...ok, I get it now

 

I agree with what youre saying. And I'll do just that next time I hear from her. I've already made it clear that under no circumstances was I looking for a friend, so she knows good and well thats not an option. But youre right, I should make sure the cards are on the table before I get bluffed into thinking there is something there.

 

So, if she is wishy-washy, should I just say call me when you figure it out?

[audrey_1]

So, if she is wishy-washy, should I just say call me when you figure it out?

 

No, because...

 

I've already made it clear that under no circumstances was I looking for a friend, so she knows good and well thats not an option.

[BCCA]

So just break contact all together, makes sense.

 

Like I said before, though, there is a chance I wont hear from her at all.

[Trialbyfire]

Ahh...ok, I get it now

 

I agree with what youre saying. And I'll do just that next time I hear from her. I've already made it clear that under no circumstances was I looking for a friend, so she knows good and well thats not an option. But youre right, I should make sure the cards are on the table before I get bluffed into thinking there is something there.

 

So, if she is wishy-washy, should I just say call me when you figure it out?

Nope. I would corral her by saying, "I don't understand what you mean. Can you explain it more clearly?". If she dances some more, just say "Hang on, so is this what you mean, that you:

 

a) Want to get back again?

b) Just want to be friends?

c) Looking for an FWB?

 

If she says a) say "You know that's what I want too. It's going to take a lot of work to gain back the trust and respect we had but I feel that if we're both determined to give it a go, we can improve on it, firstly by communicating better. Give me your thoughts on this."

 

If she says b) say "You know that's what I don't want and can't be. It will only keep me on a string and I'm at the point where I'm prepared to move on. If you're 100% certain this is what you want, I wish you well but can't accommodate. Take good care of yourself."

 

If she says c) say "Hmmm....no. If that's all you have to offer me, it's time for me to pack up my marbles and move on, which is at the point I'm at now. Good luck."

 

In each situation, you're in charge. In both b) and c), you're saying forget it, I won't be on your back burner. If she comes back again, she'll have to give you a better offer. Hope that makes sense.

[audrey_1]

Nope. I would corral her by saying, "I don't understand what you mean. Can you explain it more clearly?". If she dances some more, just say "Hang on, so is this what you mean, that you:

 

a) Want to get back again?

b) Just want to be friends?

c) Looking for an FWB?

 

If she says a) say "You know that's what I want too. It's going to take a lot of work to gain back the trust and respect we had but I feel that if we're both determined to give it a go, we can improve on it, firstly by communicating better. Give me your thoughts on this."

 

If she says b) say "You know that's what I don't want and can't be. It will only keep me on a string and I'm at the point where I'm prepared to move on. If you're 100% certain this is what you want, I wish you well but can't accommodate. Take good care of yourself."

 

If she says c) say "Hmmm....no. If that's all you have to offer me, it's time for me to pack up my marbles and move on, which is at the point I'm at now. Good luck."

 

In each situation, you're in charge. In both b) and c), you're saying forget it, I won't be on your back burner. If she comes back again, she'll have to give you a better offer. Hope that makes sense.

 

Sound advice.

[0hpenelope]

Nope. I would corral her by saying, "I don't understand what you mean. Can you explain it more clearly?". If she dances some more, just say "Hang on, so is this what you mean, that you:

 

a) Want to get back again?

b) Just want to be friends?

c) Looking for an FWB?

 

If she says a) say "You know that's what I want too. It's going to take a lot of work to gain back the trust and respect we had but I feel that if we're both determined to give it a go, we can improve on it, firstly by communicating better. Give me your thoughts on this."

 

If she says b) say "You know that's what I don't want and can't be. It will only keep me on a string and I'm at the point where I'm prepared to move on. If you're 100% certain this is what you want, I wish you well but can't accommodate. Take good care of yourself."

 

If she says c) say "Hmmm....no. If that's all you have to offer me, it's time for me to pack up my marbles and move on, which is at the point I'm at now. Good luck."

 

In each situation, you're in charge. In both b) and c), you're saying forget it, I won't be on your back burner. If she comes back again, she'll have to give you a better offer. Hope that makes sense.

 

Hmm... TbF's got a way with words. They're magical!

 

This is one of my favorite posts.

[BCCA]

Thats solid advice, thank you! Im not sure if I'll get a chance, but we'll see when I do. I have a date tonight, so if I dont hear from the ex I wont lose any sleep!

 

Thanks a lot for being so helpful!

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks ladies. Good luck to you BCCA! Take charge.

[BCCA]

Thanks ladies. Good luck to you BCCA! Take charge.

 

I'll keep you posted.

[BCCA]

Well, it's Friday and not a word. Part of me is wondering if her motivation for asking me to come meet her was an attempt to get an ego boost, and when I didnt feed into it, she had no use for me. I guess its still too early, but I'll have my answer if I dont hear from her in the next week.

[audrey_1]

Well, it's Friday and not a word. Part of me is wondering if her motivation for asking me to come meet her was an attempt to get an ego boost, and when I didnt feed into it, she had no use for me. I guess its still too early, but I'll have my answer if I dont hear from her in the next week.

 

I really hate thinking people do such things to boost their ego.

 

You're probably going to think me a weakling! I sent poop head a text saying we should probably have a phone convo about our texts. That it's always better when we actually speak. His response was "sure." Neither of us has dialed yet.

[BCCA]

I really hate thinking people do such things to boost their ego.

 

You're probably going to think me a weakling! I sent poop head a text saying we should probably have a phone convo about our texts. That it's always better when we actually speak. His response was "sure." Neither of us has dialed yet.

 

I've learned to never underestimate the power of selfishness. I guess I could be jumping to conclusions, its still early. I'm just trying to keep a realistic mindset, because even if our meet up went 'good' in my opinion, I just dont know. And I would rather assume she isnt going to call me today and be surprised if she does, than to hope and hope - only to be dissapointed. Plus, slowly, my mind is begining to wonder why I want her around at all. I mean, she hasnt exactly been considerate of me or my feelings, and after FOUR YEARS you would think you've earned that.

 

I'll keep everyone in the loop. I've got plans for the weekend, so at least I have something to keep my mind on. Thanks everyone.

 

LOL @ poop head! Are you waiting on him to call?

[selena_cat]

Yes, I agree. But remember, it's actions that speak of the heart, not words. Don't pay attention to what she says. Pay attention to what she DOES. That is the only real litmus test of how she really feels.

 

I have learned that the hard way. They can say they love you until the cows come home but if their actions aren't proving it, well, they don't really love you.

 

(Lonely people will do some really strange things to keep someone around until they find someone they like better. Don't allow yourself to be used in such a way. Confident, secure people will know when to walk away. I think you'll figure it out on your own just by paying attention to her behavior.

)

 

Caliguy is right, dont allow yourself to be used, the fact that you asked if she met anyone and she says "I wish" tells you alot. Because id she did meet someone,you woldnt be meeting her or she wouldnt be available,

uI dont mean to sound like mama cat here,but dont rush in to things

[BCCA]

)

 

Caliguy is right, dont allow yourself to be used, the fact that you asked if she met anyone and she says "I wish" tells you alot. Because id she did meet someone,you woldnt be meeting her or she wouldnt be available,

uI dont mean to sound like mama cat here,but dont rush in to things

 

"I wish" = I'm lonely. Has nothing to do with wanting me personally. I know better than to get too much hope out of this, and I haven't heard from her anyway, so who knows what she's thinking. Me, I have a date and a party to go to this weekend, so I could care less what she's thinking.

[BCCA]

It's Sunday night, and no word. I guess that settles that. I kind of was willing to give in a week and see what she said, but obviously she isnt thinking anything differently than she was before. NC from here on out.

[0hpenelope]

It's Sunday night, and no word. I guess that settles that. I kind of was willing to give in a week and see what she said, but obviously she isnt thinking anything differently than she was before. NC from here on out.

 

Keep holding your Fort NC down, bro. It's the only way to go.

[BCCA]

Keep holding your Fort NC down, bro. It's the only way to go.

 

Agreed, its really the only thing to do right now.

[nickelinadime]

Keep strong, bro. How did your dates go anyways?

[BCCA]

Keep strong, bro. How did your dates go anyways?

 

Not terrible, but not really anyone I'm interested in seeing again. I dont want to lead anyone on because I'm lonely, and none of the girls I've met since the breakup strike me as someone I want to make a relationship with.

 

NC is my only option. I might skip the dating for a while and just hit the bars up.

[nickelinadime]

Not a bad idea. Keep strong. You don't need her in your life. Oh, be sure to check out my thread in Coping. You always give great advice.

[BCCA]

So, I'm starting to lean toward giving her a call/emaill only because I want to be able to know that I did all I could. I feel like she's waiting for me to call, and by waiting a week, it's not like I look over anxious to contact her. I know, NC will help me get over this quickest, but I want to make absolute sure that she's done. I keep getting a feeling like she's waiting on me to call.

 

Feel free to talk me out of it

[0hpenelope]

So, I'm starting to lean toward giving her a call/emaill only because I want to be able to know that I did all I could. I feel like she's waiting for me to call, and by waiting a week, it's not like I look over anxious to contact her. I know, NC will help me get over this quickest, but I want to make absolute sure that she's done. I keep getting a feeling like she's waiting on me to call.

 

Feel free to talk me out of it

 

It can only go two ways, bro. It's either you get what you want or the communication can blow up "in your face".

 

I know that feeling of "Maybe they're not done..." I probably sound redundant to the LS users who frequent the boards and see my posts but I'll say it again anyway. No matter what she has to say, it's something that you won't be happy with. Nothing she can tell you will leave you feeling content and okay.

 

I think that what you're feeling is a very normal part of the struggle. Before, I would advocate NC all the way, but somehow... it got me thinking that perhaps, breaking NC is a good way to remind someone of why they're doing NC in the first place. More than likely, you already know you're going to feel crappy about it after you initiate contact with her. You're not going to get what you expect from it.

 

Feeling your struggle with NC + the many threads about breaking NC I've read so far... they've served as my fuel for every time I felt the urge to break contact with Lawrence. I see my mind reflected in those posts and the responses by others, the response I give... Yeah, no way am I going to break NC. Thank you for being honest + open about your struggles.

 

Don't contact her. If you do, well... you know the drill.

[BCCA]

I guess a big part of my struggle is the feeling that she just isnt interested in contacting me or doesnt want to talk to me. After our last visit a week ago went so well from my point of view, I just have a hard time understanding what she's doing. Like, what was the point of our visit? We didnt really discuss the relationship for closure, we didnt sleep together, she didnt have anything of mine to return...could it really just be for some validation that she isnt a bad person? If so, why would she say 'I'll talk to you soon'? Why did she want me to stay?

 

I guess you're right, even if you break NC, at least its a good reminder of why you initiated it in the first place. I really wish she would just give me a call, send an email, drop me a text...something. I'm going to stay strong and try not to make this contact. But I just dont know...

[megapositive]

Could it be that she got a little "fix" from seeing you, and is still riding on that feeling? So if you contact her she'll continue to have that feeling?