onlyicansee Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Right, so I am not even really sure how to start this, but its pretty long... Basically, I suffer from what many other men (and few women) seem to suffer from as well. Retroactive Jealousy, or "her past"... Its horrible, its utterly disturbing and self destructive. I have done so much to try to rectify this issue, its ridiculous. I have read every thread, post, and response here on dearcupid, loveshack, and so many other online forums. I have sought counseling, I have altered my religious beliefs, tried to change my perspective on sex, and tried so unbelievable hard to accept this one aspect of my lovers life. I'm embarrassed of myself, and of what I have become. My jealousy consumes me, I obsess over it. It affects me in ways I would have never imagined. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel so unattractive. During sex I often have difficulties maintaining an erection because usually I end up focusing, again, on her past and the images once in my head stick, which makes performing immensely difficult. I look at my penis and it feels small, fragile, and deflated. Me ego has left me, but with it went my confidence. I was not a virgin by any means, my sexual life prior to my current lover was pretty liberal, but nothing in comparison to her past. I am not a kid, though I am young (mid 20's) I am intelligent, educated, and open minded. I always thought of myself as a good lover, good looking, and well rounded and definitely not a jealous person. All of this though, has changed. So many things trigger these emotions- a LOT of tv shows, movies, music, etc. Anything dealing with being promiscuous, one night stands, strippers, drugs, group sex, porn, anything it always triggers these negative emotions and makes me second guess my girlfriend and myself. We live in a big metropolitan city, where there is often a lot of drinking, sex, and drugs, and when we go out I always seem to find things that trigger it. There was a point for a couple months where I thought I had overcome this issue, but I was merely fooling myself. I would come on here, and other forums, and preach to people that they were being ignorant to leave their women because of their past, try to help these people, and try to ignore my own hidden demons. I lied to my girlfriend, and told her that I had moved past that part of our relationship, but inevitably I seem to come back to it, over and over again. I love my gf, I love her to the point where I feel as though ending this relationship would be better for her, so that she can find a man who does not judge her, or see her as tainted. Someone who respects her for her decisions, and her past. My gf has told me repeatedly that all she wants is me, that I am all she could ever want both sexually and emotionally, that she regrets a lot of her past, and wishes that she could have not done a lot of the things she did... But even still, the images burn inside me, and the jealousy it taunts me. Some of the things she has told me I can't seem to look past, or move on from... I am a great bf though, no doubt in my mind. I do so much for her, I treat her remarkably. I try so hard to be the best bf, and lover she could have ever had. I try so hard to wipe this problem out of my life, I try ever so hard. I love her so much, and I know that she loves me. We are a perfect fit for each other, so much in common, so much alike. We share our lives together, we are so deeply wound with each other that sometimes it feels like an epic love story. But, those feelings are usually swept away with this burning feeling of agony and distress over her past. I hate it, and I hate myself for it. The one person in my life that I truly love, the one person in my life I can truly depend on, relate to, share myself with, and be myself around - I am losing. All over something that really has nothing to do with me, something that does not change anything about her or myself. Its irrelevant to our relationship, but yet it is somehow the most prominent aspect of my emotions in this relationship. Its irrational and definitely not logical, yet none of that matters... I cant control this, I have tried and I have failed... I fear that I will grow an old man with her, but all my life continue this depressive, ill emotion, horrible destructive cycle of retroactive jealousy. I don't think I will ever be comfortable with her past, I don't know how I could be. Yes, I know the benefits of her past, what it brings to our sex life. I know the positives, and so forth. But, none of that seems to matter. I would much rather her not have slept with so many people, so easily given herself up to such sleazy guys (truly sleazy guys), and taken the negatives of her not being so experienced in a heart beat. I don't think any positive aspect of her past can encompass the negative effects, ever... Please, someone tell me I am wrong, and make me realize how ignorant I really am! Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Right, so I am not even really sure how to start this, but its pretty long... Basically, I suffer from what many other men (and few women) seem to suffer from as well. Retroactive Jealousy, or "her past"... Its horrible, its utterly disturbing and self destructive. I have done so much to try to rectify this issue, its ridiculous. I have read every thread, post, and response here on dearcupid, loveshack, and so many other online forums. I have sought counseling, I have altered my religious beliefs, tried to change my perspective on sex, and tried so unbelievable hard to accept this one aspect of my lovers life. I'm embarrassed of myself, and of what I have become. My jealousy consumes me, I obsess over it. It affects me in ways I would have never imagined. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel so unattractive. During sex I often have difficulties maintaining an erection because usually I end up focusing, again, on her past and the images once in my head stick, which makes performing immensely difficult. I look at my penis and it feels small, fragile, and deflated. Me ego has left me, but with it went my confidence. I was not a virgin by any means, my sexual life prior to my current lover was pretty liberal, but nothing in comparison to her past. I am not a kid, though I am young (mid 20's) I am intelligent, educated, and open minded. I always thought of myself as a good lover, good looking, and well rounded and definitely not a jealous person. All of this though, has changed. So many things trigger these emotions- a LOT of tv shows, movies, music, etc. Anything dealing with being promiscuous, one night stands, strippers, drugs, group sex, porn, anything it always triggers these negative emotions and makes me second guess my girlfriend and myself. We live in a big metropolitan city, where there is often a lot of drinking, sex, and drugs, and when we go out I always seem to find things that trigger it. There was a point for a couple months where I thought I had overcome this issue, but I was merely fooling myself. I would come on here, and other forums, and preach to people that they were being ignorant to leave their women because of their past, try to help these people, and try to ignore my own hidden demons. I lied to my girlfriend, and told her that I had moved past that part of our relationship, but inevitably I seem to come back to it, over and over again. I love my gf, I love her to the point where I feel as though ending this relationship would be better for her, so that she can find a man who does not judge her, or see her as tainted. Someone who respects her for her decisions, and her past. My gf has told me repeatedly that all she wants is me, that I am all she could ever want both sexually and emotionally, that she regrets a lot of her past, and wishes that she could have not done a lot of the things she did... But even still, the images burn inside me, and the jealousy it taunts me. Some of the things she has told me I can't seem to look past, or move on from... I am a great bf though, no doubt in my mind. I do so much for her, I treat her remarkably. I try so hard to be the best bf, and lover she could have ever had. I try so hard to wipe this problem out of my life, I try ever so hard. I love her so much, and I know that she loves me. We are a perfect fit for each other, so much in common, so much alike. We share our lives together, we are so deeply wound with each other that sometimes it feels like an epic love story. But, those feelings are usually swept away with this burning feeling of agony and distress over her past. I hate it, and I hate myself for it. The one person in my life that I truly love, the one person in my life I can truly depend on, relate to, share myself with, and be myself around - I am losing. All over something that really has nothing to do with me, something that does not change anything about her or myself. Its irrelevant to our relationship, but yet it is somehow the most prominent aspect of my emotions in this relationship. Its irrational and definitely not logical, yet none of that matters... I cant control this, I have tried and I have failed... I fear that I will grow an old man with her, but all my life continue this depressive, ill emotion, horrible destructive cycle of retroactive jealousy. I don't think I will ever be comfortable with her past, I don't know how I could be. Yes, I know the benefits of her past, what it brings to our sex life. I know the positives, and so forth. But, none of that seems to matter. I would much rather her not have slept with so many people, so easily given herself up to such sleazy guys (truly sleazy guys), and taken the negatives of her not being so experienced in a heart beat. I don't think any positive aspect of her past can encompass the negative effects, ever... Please, someone tell me I am wrong, and make me realize how ignorant I really am! Well.. IMO the past is the past. She is with you now and as long as she is comitted to you then what is there to worry about? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
wittygirl09 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I'm right there along with you, suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
Potatocakes Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I know what you mean by wanting to let them go so they can be happy with someone more understanding. I've left my boyfriend before over this, for his own good but it hurts him so much. He loves me to where he'll put up with it but no one should. I'm not saying you should leave her but you're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Read what you wrote here: I love my gf, I love her to the point where I feel as though ending this relationship would be better for her, so that she can find a man who does not judge her, or see her as tainted. Someone who respects her for her decisions, and her past. My gf has told me repeatedly that all she wants is me, that I am all she could ever want both sexually and emotionally, that she regrets a lot of her past, and wishes that she could have not done a lot of the things she did... But even still, the images burn inside me, and the jealousy it taunts me. Some of the things she has told me I can't seem to look past, or move on from... Sometimes you might love each other, but you're just not good for each other, try as you might. If you're tormented all the time like this and it's not getting better no matter what you do, end this relationship. Staying in it isn't healthy for either one of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 OK - I am dying to know. What in the world did she DO? Shoot porn movies? Prostitute herself from age 15? Pull trains with her profs to pay for her college tuition? Expose herself to toddlers in the Sunday School classroom? Have sex with her brother so her mother could watch? Have anal with a dog? I know I sound flippant, but I really can't figure out what she could have done to make you so irrational about this? Link to post Share on other sites
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