GFs past bothers me

[Sevenfold]

Ill warn you now that its pretty long but I really need advice.

 

Ive been dating this girl now for about four months. Shes 20 im 22. Things have been better than better. She is everything that I want in a girl but could never find until now. The problem is that a month and a half ago I asked her how many people she had been with. I know this is a bad mistake but normally I can handle these things. The reason I even asked her was to make sure that if it came up later in the relationship I wouldnt have anything to worry about and the situation could be dealt with now. She told me it was 6 which made me feel awesome cause she was my 6th as well and almost every girl I had dated before her made me lucky number 13 or higher. I thought I had finally found a decent girl with a clean past. Last week though she might as well have stabbed me in the chest.

She told me we needed to talk because she had lied. She said she had actually slept with 12 people which made me feel a little uneasy but I knew I could get over it in time. The day afterward she started crying and I asked her what was wrong. She said that she started thinking about her past some more and it wasn't really 12, but that I made number 17 because she forgot 5 others. Two days of news like that in a row really killed me. Neither of us ate for about 3 days other than maybe a small snack here and there.

She told me that she felt disgusting for what she had done and that it isnt her anymore. I understand that and completely agree. Shes one of the most amazing caring people I know. Of course though being me I needed to know more details. I found out that one guy she slept with was her ex's friend and that she did it to get back at him for cheating. Another was in 3some she got talked into by one of her friends. I didnt ask anymore cause I thought I was going to puke everywhere.

If you met this girl you would never expect it from her. She volunteers at charity places, goes to church, is getting ready to graduate college a year early for being so smart. I really think the problem lies in the fact that I placed so much emphasis and excitement on the fact that she didnt have a bad past and I had nothing to worry about because she was such a nice girl. I know it's my own fault for asking in the first place but for once in my life I wish the girl had lied to me.

I don't want to end the relationship at all because I love her more than Ive ever loved another person in my life. I know that feelings are mutual and that if we were to get married one day we could be happy possibly for the rest of our lives.

The problem is that I know if I dont get over this it is going to rip our relationship apart. I never rub it in her face and never mention it anymore but it still eats me alive inside. I cant help but picture the woman I love stooping so low and giving her body to men that didnt care for her. I know the past is the past but it's still hard.

I think what kills me now is that im starting to think that since I was able to turn down sex with cheap women including 50 dollar prostitutes while being stationed in Japan, maybe I should look for someone that was able to repect themselves the way I did. I knew that I never wanted to tell my wife or fiance that I had slept with countless women and I wanted the same for me.

Im not saying I am better than her or that she doesnt deserve to be loved the same way I do. I just really need advice on how to put this out of my head for good so I can continue this relationship the way I looked at her before. She is such and amazing person and doesn't deserve a person that cant give her their all. I dont want to picture other men touching the person I care for so much anymore. Please help me put a lid on my jealousy.

[onlyicansee]

Hey, if you have the answer to this, let me know PLEASE! I just posted a thread about the same exact thing, right before you... My situation is a little more different, and my girlfriend probably was a bit wilder, but I am sure its all along the same lines.

[AAlike]

Welcome to love, gentlemen - now you know why everyone acts so crazy in the movies! trust me I had no idea either.

 

There's a boatload of stuff written about this that you can search through...so I won't add too much. Just realize that what you're going through is emotional, not logical...so no one is going to be able to help you turn it off. As tough as this may seem, the only cure is time. in the meantime, just do your best to not fixate on it, focus on the good things about her, and over time after you've made new memories, your attitude towards sex and towards her will naturally change. Right now you're in the "fairy tale" stage (this "sweet" girl has at some point wanted to get her rocks off - OMG!!) which makes it seem unbearable, but that will pass and you should be able to get over it provided that you WANT to get over it...which, according to your post it seems like you do.

 

four months is no time - trust me, after four months I was right there with both of you guys, and I'm a lot older and I would have thought was a lot wiser...dang was I wrong. I remember that point, where I just had this continual deep pit in my stomach and didn't know what to do. I thought about breaking up with her just to try and make it stop.

 

I look back on all of that now and it amazes me that it ever happened, that I let anything get to me like that...especially something that in the grand scheme of things in this world is so meaningless. so I can tell you that there is definitely hope.

 

honestly, what I think makes people "get over" retroactive jealousy is that subconsciously, they finally just accept whatever it is that they're obsessing over and realize that they love their partner regardless of these "faults" or indiscretions, and that their partner has fully put them in the past as well - and once you do that, whatever it was seems silly. I mean what relevance should 5, 10 or even 20 sexual experiences have in the grand scheme of things versus the hundreds or thousands that you'll have if things work out?

 

the problem is that it's a lot easier to make this acceptance with the brain than it is the heart and emotions. that's where RJ manifests - when your brain says "oh it's OK" but your heart and emotions are telling you something totally different. you don't know why you care, you can tell yourself why you SHOULDN'T care, but none of it matters. Those people that feel RJ five, ten years down the road, they've never fully emotionally accepted their partners - they've only accepted an idealized model that "wouldn't do those things" - guess what - that's not REALLY your partner then.

 

unfortunately, there's no way to just "make it happen" - but I think if it's the right person for you, it will happen over time.

[Terminator]

The past is the past and should stay there. Anything that happened before you met is none of your business frankly (barring the obvious health and criminal type issues).

 

Grow a pair and get over it already.

[lkjh]

Terminator, the past is a good indicator on what kind of person you are with. I hate when people say the past is the past and then they are shocked when there SO cheats on them or changes 6 years down the road.

[piscesgirl28]

Yea this is kinda a petty issue if you think about it. I mean you can't judge her for her past experiences. That's made her who she is today. My boyfriend actually likes the amount of men I've been with. He actually wishes for more, which I don't understand. I am more like you all, I wish he hadn't had so many women in his past. What I struggle with is mine won't keep the ex's in his past... They constantly interfere...

[Terminator]

Terminator, the past is a good indicator on what kind of person you are with. I hate when people say the past is the past and then they are shocked when there SO cheats on them or changes 6 years down the road.

 

Then if it's that important to you, it's a dealbreaker, so suck it up and ditch the R, don't continue in it then whine about retroactive jealousy LMAO

[onlyicansee]

Whoa, Terminator, while I understand your direct approach, I think you had misread the depth of the problem. Its not that easy, and anyone dealing with this issue will tell you the same thing. The past is the past, your right, but thats the problem: its the past!

[You'reasian]

Sorry to hear about this. I can relate.

 

I actually expect my girlfriends to have a sexual past and hope that they do. All of my previous gfs have them - I can understand your distaste with the details, especially if she feels the need to hang on to them, whether they be in images, messages, letters etc. While you'd rather not know about that stuff, it is who that person is at some point in time and its good to know who she was, since you are involved with her.

 

Good that you are honest and communicating this with her.

 

I think the only thing that can improve your situation are the things you will do for yourself and her. That is keep on working on being a better man (whether she stays with you or not - because she might slip back to her old self?), a better soldier/sailor/marine and "be the man that you would want to lead you"....a very important lesson I myself am learning, thanks to some very influential people in my life.

 

Make yourself into the man that she would want to be with. You cannot control whether she will slip back to whom she was, but it seems like she chooses to stay with you?

 

If she slips into her past behavior, it will hurt but hopefully you will get up, continue to be that man and the right woman will find you.

 

Talkin' to myself...seriously

[norajane]

She is such and amazing person

 

It is precisely because of her past experiences that she is the amazing person she is now.

 

For example, you said she slept with her ex's best friend out of revenge because her ex cheated on her. I'll bet she learned a lot from that - about herself and about what feels right and doesn't feel right, about pain and what is and isn't an appropriate way to deal with pain, how she wants to be treated and how she should treat others. Had she not had that experience, it's likely she'd be a different person right now, and maybe she wouldn't be the kind of person you think is amazing.

 

Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

Her past is what has made her the person you love today. Had her past been different, she'd be different. So instead of feeling upset about her past, you really do have to focus on your present and your relationship dynamics.

 

As an example, even after you were reeling from her telling you she had slept with 12 people, the girl came back to you when she remembered there were others. Do you have ANY idea how difficult that was for her? How much strength of character and determination to be honest with you that took for her to do, knowing exactly how you'd react and knowing she was risking your disapproval, rejection, blame, anger, everything you're feeling now? That took a lot of guts, and it took a lot of integrity - THAT is what you should be focused on and should feel good about. She made a choice - not to LIE to a man who loves her in order to protect herself. So you know that she is making good choices now, the kind of choices you can count on.

 

So she obviously has learned from her past, she is not the same person she was when she was with those other guys, and she is using what she learned to BE a good partner to you.

 

Love all of her, and appreciate who she is now and how her past has led her to this point, or you will have to forget being with her.

[Terminator]

Whoa, Terminator, while I understand your direct approach, I think you had misread the depth of the problem. Its not that easy, and anyone dealing with this issue will tell you the same thing. The past is the past, your right, but thats the problem: its the past!

 

The "depth of the problem"?? Okay, so 12 sex partners is a decent number if the gal is only 20, but it's not an overwhelming number in this day and age. I'm assuming she meant 12 people all together not 12 all at once. It doesn't make her a prostitute which is what he seems to be equating her to in his last paragraphs.

 

It also doesn't mean she's a bad person and I'm assuming here she protected herself (and any future sex partner), if the OP wants a virgin then maybe he should just 'fess up to that, and let his gf find someone that will VALUE her just as she is.

[AAlike]

Terminator, the past is a good indicator on what kind of person you are with. I hate when people say the past is the past and then they are shocked when there SO cheats on them or changes 6 years down the road.

 

what in his description of her past implies that she is a cheater?

[Sevenfold]

Im not worried about her cheatin on me. She dated her ex for 3 years and never cheated while he did. Thats the reason for her sleeping with his roomate.

 

It definately took alot of guts for her to come out and tell me. I understand why she didn't tell me from the get go. When she did tell me I ended up calming her down cause she was crying so hard. Im not sure what it is though. Im usually a realist and Ive been in a 3 year relationship prior to this one. None of these previous things ever bothered me. I wonder if its just because after I thought she had 6 partners I pretty much put her on a pedastle for it.

[lkjh]

what in his description of her past implies that she is a cheater?

 

Im not saying this makes her a cheater but in general people who do not hold themselves in high regard are less likely to be a good SO. Also I m sorry but I do believe that women who doesn't consider sex as important are more incline to cheat. Old habits die hard!!! she could be a great person who just had a wild past. I just believe in judging people by their actions not there words and this may not always be the case but it does work most of the time.

[norajane]

I wonder if its just because after I thought she had 6 partners I pretty much put her on a pedastle for it.

 

You should NEVER put a real human being on a pedestal, because they will inevitably disappoint you - because they are human. It's not fair to put her on a pedestal. You set her up to fall when you do that.

 

I guess she's off that pedestal now? Does that mean you think less of her today than you did two weeks ago? Is she a different person, or is it all in your head?

[AAlike]

Im not saying this makes her a cheater but in general people who do not hold themselves in high regard are less likely to be a good SO. Also I m sorry but I do believe that women who doesn't consider sex as important are more incline to cheat. Old habits die hard!!! she could be a great person who just had a wild past. I just believe in judging people by their actions not there words and this may not always be the case but it does work most of the time.

 

ok, what in his description of her past implies that she does not "hold herself in high regard"?

[norajane]

ok, what in his description of her past implies that she does not "hold herself in high regard"?

 

It couldn't have been this part:

 

She volunteers at charity places, goes to church, is getting ready to graduate college a year early for being so smart.

[AAlike]

You should NEVER put a real human being on a pedestal, because they will inevitably disappoint you - because they are human. It's not fair to put her on a pedestal. You set her up to fall when you do that.

 

Agreed, but again, nobody MEANS to do this.

[lkjh]

Norajane,

 

It was the part that she has slept with 17 guys and maybe more. Look she can be nice Im not saying that she is a horrible person but a girl that has this under her belt before she is even 21 does not hold her self in high regard. She managed to forget about 5 of them which tells me these guys were not even significant in her mind. I know now of days we are not suppose to think like this but I do. I know plenty of people that volunteer at hospitals(Im one of them) and churches but that doesn't mean they are the best choice in a gf/bf.

[norajane]

Norajane,

 

It was the part that she has slept with 17 guys and maybe more. Look she can be nice Im not saying that she is a horrible person but a girl that has this under her belt before she is even 21 does not hold her self in high regard. She managed to forget about 5 of them which tells me these guys were not even significant in her mind. I know now of days we are not suppose to think like this but I do. I know plenty of people that volunteer at hospitals(Im one of them) and churches but that doesn't mean they are the best choice in a gf/bf.

 

And if that's how the OP thinks, too, then he is better off ending this relationship now, because she is who she is. If he's lost too much respect for her now that he knows of her sexual history, then he is not likely to stay in love with her for long.

 

The OP asked how to put this out of his head. If he really wants to successfully put this out of his head, he will have to change his perspective on her past because her past will not change.

[Sevenfold]

She's definately the same person, It just can't get those images out of my head. I sucks to picture 16 other dudes touching the woman you love. Im not worried about her cheating cause even though her ex cheated on her she never did it back. Im just really worried that if I cant stop imagining these things Im going to have to leave her which is the last thing that I want. Its just unfair for her if Im going to hold myself back because of something neither of us can control. Any ideas on how I should look at her past as a good thing instead of all the bad?

[AAlike]

a girl that has this under her belt before she is even 21 does not hold her self in high regard.

 

oh yeah? learn something new every day! so does a girl's self-esteem dip with each guy or does it just drop off abruptly after a certain number?

[bish]

Ill warn you now that its pretty long but I really need advice.

 

Ive been dating this girl now for about four months. Shes 20 im 22. Things have been better than better. She is everything that I want in a girl but could never find until now. The problem is that a month and a half ago I asked her how many people she had been with. I know this is a bad mistake but normally I can handle these things. The reason I even asked her was to make sure that if it came up later in the relationship I wouldnt have anything to worry about and the situation could be dealt with now. She told me it was 6 which made me feel awesome cause she was my 6th as well and almost every girl I had dated before her made me lucky number 13 or higher. I thought I had finally found a decent girl with a clean past. Last week though she might as well have stabbed me in the chest.

She told me we needed to talk because she had lied.

 

I'd probably be more concerned with that fact that she lied rather than how many people she had been with.

 

 

She said she had actually slept with 12 people which made me feel a little uneasy but I knew I could get over it in time. The day afterward she started crying and I asked her what was wrong. She said that she started thinking about her past some more and it wasn't really 12, but that I made number 17 because she forgot 5 others.

 

Well now she seems to have a selective memory. How does she forget 5?

 

Again, its not the #, its the fact that you will never get the straight story or answers from her, and not just talking about how many people she has been with. She doesn't sound very trustworthy.

 

 

The problem is that I know if I dont get over this it is going to rip our relationship apart.

 

What is going to rip it apart is her inability to tell the truth. And again, not just with the issue of how many partners she has.

 

 

Please help me put a lid on my jealousy.

 

Jealousy you may well have, but again, I would take issue with her lying. Do you think you can trust her to tell the truth to you about anything from here on out? Sure she came clean, after telling a different story a couple times over.

 

And if she was that loose, do you really think she wouldn't be up for a few encounters with other guys if the perfect opportunity presented itself to her?

 

Not trying to turn you against her, but don't be a fool.

[You'reasian]

I'd probably be more concerned with that fact that she lied rather than how many people she had been with.

 

 

 

 

Well now she seems to have a selective memory. How does she forget 5?

 

Again, its not the #, its the fact that you will never get the straight story or answers from her, and not just talking about how many people she has been with. She doesn't sound very trustworthy.

 

 

What is going to rip it apart is her inability to tell the truth. And again, not just with the issue of how many partners she has.

 

 

Jealousy you may well have, but again, I would take issue with her lying. Do you think you can trust her to tell the truth to you about anything from here on out? Sure she came clean, after telling a different story a couple times over.

 

And if she was that loose, do you really think she wouldn't be up for a few encounters with other guys if the perfect opportunity presented itself to her?

 

Not trying to turn you against her, but don't be a fool.

 

Very true......

[iceis44]

Norajane,

 

It was the part that she has slept with 17 guys and maybe more. Look she can be nice Im not saying that she is a horrible person but a girl that has this under her belt before she is even 21 does not hold her self in high regard. She managed to forget about 5 of them which tells me these guys were not even significant in her mind. I know now of days we are not suppose to think like this but I do. I know plenty of people that volunteer at hospitals(Im one of them) and churches but that doesn't mean they are the best choice in a gf/bf.

Would we even be having this discussion if we were talking about a man, how many partners has the original poster had?