GFs past bothers me

[onlyicansee]

AA, can I ask how are you doing with your situation? Do things for you feel better? Can you honestly say that you have gotten over your issues with your girl? Do you still think about them, and if you do, do they still make you cringe? Do you think you will ever be able to completely move past it?

 

Ahh!

[AAlike]

 

And to be honest, the smartest thing I could have done would have been to marry that woman. Maybe I am just wired differently.

 

haha I hear you man. I understand that you are not being a judgemental person in general.

 

Please realize that the only reason that I am challenging you at all is that I'd hate to see you toss away a chance at happiness because someone doesn't fit into this box that you've created.

[Stockalone]

haha I hear you man. I understand that you are not being a judgemental person in general.

 

Oh no! I am still the same judgemental guy. I was talking about two different women. I should have realized that this could be misunderstood.

 

Gf #1 was the one I had a very hard time letting go. In fact, I never got over her until I was recently forced to. But that break-up had nothing to do with her past or was in any way related to sex.

 

Gf #2 was the one with the experimental phase in her past and I ended the relationship because of that and I don't regret it. The fact that I felt she lied about it sure didn't help. But I am sure it wouldn't have made a difference either way.

 

 

Please realize that the only reason that I am challenging you at all is that I'd hate to see you toss away a chance at happiness because someone doesn't fit into this box that you've created.

 

It's all or nothing. Granted, it sure looks like nothing is going to be the outcome. But I am very stubborn. And beliefs sometimes come at a high price. I already paid a very high price when the relationship with gf #1 didn't work out. I don't see myself changing now.

[onlyicansee]

Here is a question...

 

Suppose that you met a girl, fell in love and asked her about numbers and it turns out that her number is exactly what you are looking for. Lets say that number is 3... For whatever reason, lets just say three.

 

Lets fast forward 30 years into the future, you have three kids, and have had a wonderful fulfilling life with this woman. Lets just say, hypothetically speaking, that one night you two are having a couple glasses of wine and after a long night of talking you discover that your girl had lied to you all those years ago, and the number went from 3 to... 15.

 

What would you do? Would you leave this woman, whom you have spent your life with based on something that happened so so long ago. Granted she shouldn't have lied, but we are playing the what if game and what she does is really not relevant.

 

I have come to some sort of irrational idea that most all attractive women have gotten around. Some may have not, and some may have and lied about it. You will really never know.

[theobserver]

I like your question, and while I'm sure the main posters of this thread will give their opinions I feel I'd like to jump in with mine in reply to your hypothetical situation.

 

 

In all honestly ego is a horrible thing and sometimes you really need to tell it to bugger off. When seeking the truth from a potential or fresh partner and deciding to ask questions with the intent of an honest answer you need to realise if you want these answers for your EGO or for deal breaker purposes.

 

If I was asking her the question on her "numbers" I would need to make it clear in my mind first what answers I want, and atleast attempt to make it clear to her how I want her to answer, because as another woman here stated women are not blind and most of the time they will lie to protect our EGO if they feel this is why we're asking "penis size, sexual technique are common questions we expect our partner to probably exaggerate or outright lie" though some partners take it as you wanting to truth perhaps to help you/the relationship improve. If you suck at sex and arent attentive and she's telling you then you've been given a gift to work on it together.

 

But back to the question on "numbers" which I kind of drifted away from, if it was for my ego and it was years later following some kids and a drunken night she tells the truth that she slept with alot more partners then she first admitted I would think over the past years, has everything been satisfactory, have there been any hints of infidelity and weigh it up. If all was positive I would let it slide since this was not a deal breaker for me anymore then it was back then but still question her on why she brought this up now.

 

If the question back then was a dealbreaker for me back those years I would begin to question naturally what else she has lied about, are these kids mine. Yes I would question the very foundation our relationship was built on. Would I seperate soley on this? Probably not but it would certainly open a large amount of questions I'd like answers on when she was sober.

 

Cant believe how much I wrote must be the halloween jitters must dash.

[george35]

I only asked about a number because I have read about people suffering from RJ who are with SO’s who have been with as few as 5 or as many as 20 plus. I asked, “how many is too many”? I threw out some general numbers just to get the ball rolling. I didn’t expect so much insight I guess.

 

I’m wondering if at least some RJ is in fact do to an actual imbalance in morality levels or if that’s just a bunch of crap. I know many people who truly believe, (at least now), that sex is/should be a very intimate thing between two people and others who believe that; ‘sex is sex” a purely physical thing meant to be shared and I wonder, when two people with opposite views get together is RJ the inevitable result? I’ve heard of both men and women who have experienced RJ who were both; promiscuous in their past and not so promiscuous.

[oldguy]

You asked about numbers. The accepted average based on a 2002 study is only 8+ per life time, (intercourse). That one surprises most people. The study also concluded that delay in sexual activity leads to greater marital stability, almost 3% less depression and some of the more predictable numbers such as a higher turn over rate of sexual partners among those who initiate sex at progressively younger ages. I was made aware of these numbers as they related to my practice several years ago. One of the more disturbing numbers has always been the age difference between men and girls; For a girl who begins voluntary sexual activity between the ages of 15 to 16, the average age of her partner is 20, 17 to 18, just under 20, and the first voluntary sexual partner of a 19 to 20 year old woman has an average age of just under 21. Yes, according to these studies there are a lot of 20 year old men who should be arrested.

 

Now, does promiscuity in itself cause these, and many more, negative issues or where there negative issues that caused the promiscuity? I’ve always thought it was a little of either. I know many of you may not like numbers, studies and statistics, (there are lies, damn lies and then there are statistics), but for the rest of us, promiscuity isn’t quite as benign as many would prefer to believe and I haven’t even touched on STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. I use to try to convince my patients that sex is a very serious matter. How many is too many? That depends on age and reason, but remember; most America's average 8+ so I was always interested in those who claimed much higher numbers.

[AAlike]

AA, can I ask how are you doing with your situation? Do things for you feel better? Can you honestly say that you have gotten over your issues with your girl? Do you still think about them, and if you do, do they still make you cringe? Do you think you will ever be able to completely move past it?

 

Ahh!

 

of course you can ask.

 

I would say that by and large I have in fact gotten over the stuff with my girl. I mean, sure, every once in a while it might pop back into my head, and you never "get over it" completely...I mean we're all a little bit emotionally jealous I think. It will never be something that her and I will kick back and laugh about or something like that (as it shouldn't be, no one wants to hear about their SO's past lovers), but I have stopped sensationalizing it.

 

However, I don't know that my situation and yours are totally the same. I never had a problem with my girlfriend's number, only one specific incident. and more importantly, I never felt the sense of inadequacy that you seem to be going through. for me, it was the ego and pride factor - more along the lines of "OMG my girl has been in a threesome, what would people think?" than the notion that I couldn't "compete" with it (considering she said it sucked and was more funny than hot that was never a problem). I mean, I realize that is a different type of insecurity, but I would think that it would be easier to deal with.

 

in your case, I think that your GF is being a huge impeding factor to you getting past your jealousy. Part of a successful relationship is reinforcement, especially regarding intimacy issues. while its true that your bombardment of questions is probably not healthy, the point is that you shouldn't NEED to ask those questions. she should be telling you that you're "the one", and then stupid, pointless details like "biggest d*ck" wouldn't need to come up. I'm sure that in my situation, the fact that we had plenty of conversations about how awesome and unprecedented our sexual connections were subtly helped both of us out on our RJ issues (she had some too).

 

getting over the emotional effect of your partner's past can be tough, but it's damn near impossible if your partner doesn't do her best to show that SHE has moved beyond that past. I don't think that your GF is doing that in this situation.

[AAlike]

Oh no! I am still the same judgemental guy. I was talking about two different women. I should have realized that this could be misunderstood.

 

no I understood. what I meant was that you seem to know that your boundaries are whatever are your own preferences and you don't seem to be riding in on a moral high horse about it.

 

It's all or nothing. Granted, it sure looks like nothing is going to be the outcome. But I am very stubborn. And beliefs sometimes come at a high price. I already paid a very high price when the relationship with gf #1 didn't work out. I don't see myself changing now.

 

well, I wish you the best, and I hope that you don't choose stubborn over happy when the time comes! i was at that same crossroads, and I'm glad that I made the right choice.

[AAlike]

Here is a question...

 

Suppose that you met a girl, fell in love and asked her about numbers and it turns out that her number is exactly what you are looking for. Lets say that number is 3... For whatever reason, lets just say three.

 

Lets fast forward 30 years into the future, you have three kids, and have had a wonderful fulfilling life with this woman. Lets just say, hypothetically speaking, that one night you two are having a couple glasses of wine and after a long night of talking you discover that your girl had lied to you all those years ago, and the number went from 3 to... 15.

 

What would you do? Would you leave this woman, whom you have spent your life with based on something that happened so so long ago. Granted she shouldn't have lied, but we are playing the what if game and what she does is really not relevant.

 

I have come to some sort of irrational idea that most all attractive women have gotten around. Some may have not, and some may have and lied about it. You will really never know.

 

When I first stumbled on this site, I came across this thread that is very similar to what you are saying here (right down to the "after a few glasses of wine" part!!).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t104079/

[george35]

Here is a question...

 

Suppose that you met a girl, fell in love and asked her about numbers and it turns out that her number is exactly what you are looking for. Lets say that number is 3... For whatever reason, lets just say three.

 

Lets fast forward 30 years into the future, you have three kids, and have had a wonderful fulfilling life with this woman. Lets just say, hypothetically speaking, that one night you two are having a couple glasses of wine and after a long night of talking you discover that your girl had lied to you all those years ago, and the number went from 3 to... 15.

 

What would you do? Would you leave this woman, whom you have spent your life with based on something that happened so so long ago. Granted she shouldn't have lied, but we are playing the what if game and what she does is really not relevant.

 

I have come to some sort of irrational idea that most all attractive women have gotten around. Some may have not, and some may have and lied about it. You will really never know.

 

 

 

I’m confused; in this hypothetic scenario; my issue would be; if she was okay with her past why would she feel the need to be deceptive about it? Well… I guess that’s obvious, so does the end justify the means? I keep hearing a common theme from both sides. The more liberal side who say your past is your past and anything goes as long as it was legal I suppose. And the more conservative side who take the moral high ground, even if they themselves had a past. But the single common thought seems to be; promiscuity really is an issue. Since I’ve never heard a pick line that went something like; “I’ve slept with 20 to 30 women so tonight is your lucky night sweetheart”, I have to believe we really aren’t that okay with it.

 

Until I started reading some of these I thought of myself as one of the more open minded or liberal people on this subject. Of course before I started reading these I thought I had more of a past than I do.

[AAlike]

I’m confused; in this hypothetic scenario; my issue would be; if she was okay with her past why would she feel the need to be deceptive about it?

 

let's say she hadn't lied and instead you misheard way back when. I think the point that the guy was trying to make did not center around the lying, but rather on whether someone's sexual past should be looked at along the lines of other life experiences that come and go, or along the lines of a criminal past or something else that which, when disclosed, should forever alter your perception of someone.

 

The more liberal side who say your past is your past and anything goes as long as it was legal I suppose.

 

I assume that i'm being considered among the "more liberal side" - please note that I have NEVER ONCE said "anything goes as long as it was legal."

 

But the single common thought seems to be; promiscuity really is an issue.

 

well sure, I guess if you look at it that black and white...but the real issue is what constitutes promiscuity? is it a rough number? is it a type of sex? is it sex without love? is it sex for simply enjoyment - and if it is, is frequent masturbation promiscuous? is it having sex after X amount of dates, where X is a low number? is it having unprotected sex or otherwise "risky" behavior?

 

what I think I'm saying is that you can use a person's past to bounce them around all of these abitrary criteria and judge them as "promiscuous" or not, or you can evaluate that person AS A WHOLE - sexual past, non-sexual past, and present, and decide if you really give a damn. if you do decide that you do, there is nothing wrong with that...but make sure that it's really you and not some learned behavior that is making that decision.

 

to the guy that drew up a bunch of stats, here's a stat for you:

 

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, 36.9 percent of 14-year-olds have had sex - more than one out of three. Among 12th graders, 66.4 percent have had sex.

 

37 percent of 14-year olds!! how's that for some eye-opening info!!

[onlyicansee]

I think I am going to split with my girlfriend tonight... Man I really dont want to at all! But I don't know, I don't think I can handle this any more. I feel like I am falling to pieces. ****! I love her so much it is devastating to me to have to do this. I absolutely feel depressed, and I know that if we split I will feel even worse but hopefully in the long run things will smooth out for me. But man, I could have it all with this girl, everything I ever wanted. She is it, she is like, my fantasy girl. Always have I wanted a woman like her, and now i have her, and now I cant deal with it. But, I dotn know how to cope with this **** and I have been tyring to now for too long and it never seems to get better.

 

I freaking love this girl though, and short of destroying my own sanity, would do anything for her.

[AAlike]

I think I am going to split with my girlfriend tonight... Man I really dont want to at all! But I don't know, I don't think I can handle this any more. I feel like I am falling to pieces. ****! I love her so much it is devastating to me to have to do this. I absolutely feel depressed, and I know that if we split I will feel even worse but hopefully in the long run things will smooth out for me. But man, I could have it all with this girl, everything I ever wanted. She is it, she is like, my fantasy girl. Always have I wanted a woman like her, and now i have her, and now I cant deal with it. But, I dotn know how to cope with this **** and I have been tyring to now for too long and it never seems to get better.

 

I freaking love this girl though, and short of destroying my own sanity, would do anything for her.

 

wow - there is really a lot of conflicting information in your posts, so it's hard to give you advice that I'm 100% confident in.

 

I think that you should talk to someone before you make your ultimate decision, because right now it doesn't seem as if you're thinking clearly as your posts are all over the map.

 

I tried to PM you but you don't have it...if you wanna drop me your e-mail I'll be glad to lend an ear. I know how much it helped me.

[onlyicansee]

Your right AA, I was on a roller coaster when I wrote that... I had finished reading a post on another forum where a guy said that his girl had slept with 10 guys and was having a hard time coping with it. Other people in the forum were saying stuff like she is a whore, slut, etc. And I thought, man my girl has slept with twice as many people as that. But man its just a ****ing number, what does it even matter.

 

There are times when I can literally grasp the irrationality of all this, where I feel in complete contempt with her & her past, and her past sexual escapades does not even put a damper on me. Really, there are those times. I cant keep it though, I can only hold it for so long until... I dont know, I slip up and fall back into this obsession. I even had fooled myself for a few months and thought I was over it. I thought, I got out of that mentality. But I didn't...

 

What is wrong with me? Man I feel so helpless with this. I don't really know how to express myself with this subject. Its like I just want to scream at her and make her feel the hurt I feel... But then, I know thats completely stupid and extremely immature. On the flip side, I would like to just never think about it again, and push it away to the deepest darkest hole in my brain.

 

Are there any drugs I can take to make me unlearn things? To forget things? Anything I can do to remove this patch of memory in my head? I mean, I would even let a surgeon go in there and cut that part of my brain out... Unfortunately I don't think thats how it works haha...

 

I have went from being contempt and ok with her past, to thinking I should cheat on her and make myself a slut to feel at par with her, to wanting to call her out for her past actions, to wanting to drink this all away, to being back to ok with it all over again. Im like a freaking boomerang here.

 

Thing is, I have NEVER been like this in ANY of my previous relationships, and I have had more than enough relationships to know what kind of a person I am, and this is not me. Even writing sproratically like this on these forums is not like me, but its like I just want to vent!

 

I once dated a girl who had probably twice as many sexual partners as my gf, who even did internet porn and worked as an exotic dancer. Her past never bugged me, except for when I found out she did internet porn it kinda made me itch a little but I scratched it off. Really, her sexuality was a non issue and we were in a serious relationship for quite a while. I never thought I loved her though, which might be the biggest difference here.

 

And, even I have some dark spots in my past. I have done some pretty stupid things, things that really I wish I had never done, things that I will enver tell anyone, and things that I will bring the grave with me. Man, I have used women, and been used by woman. Had one night stands, and had deep meaningful sex. All before her. So, what is up with this why am I so hung up on her past. She didnt even do anything extremely outright.

 

I dont know, I love her I want to make it work. I just want to rid myself of all this stuff...

 

Actually, I remember how it all started... If anyone is interested, here is how my issues began.

 

I was looking up new sex positions and sexual techniques for us to try out on an adult forums online. One of the threads was for relationship questions so I started browsing. There was a guy who wrote about his gf had slept with a black man, and how he couldnt deal with it. Then, in the thread a couple other people started mentioning that their girls had slept with numerous guys, and they were having a hard time coping... And then i started thinking, man my girl has slept with a lot of people too... Anyways, I guess that kind of sparked it... But then I started reading more into the issue, thinking it was really a non issue. Then I started to read how guys are living their whole lives in agony over this stuff, coming out to deal with it 30 years later, etc etc... And im starting to think, man could this be me?

 

Then, I read more and more about it, and eventually I felt as though I was one of those people. Now, thousands of forums later, I am in this serious delima where I feel as though I am in the same situation. I need to just get off the freaking computer...

 

But, there were other things too... Like how my gf was seeing her ex bf behind my back into the beginning of our relationship, even though it was "platonic", issues with her going out with other guys and stuff... But we have discussed those things, and rectified those issues with our relationship, but I think those things sort of boosted this rj issue with me, and now even though those problems are gone, this issue still remains and is really really getting to me...

 

Wow that was a lot, and re reading it I seem really scatter brained... I need help.

[xtopher65]

I know what you are going through. I had a case of RJ this past summer where I dated a girl that was bisexual, but in the closet. She did not admit it, but as I got to know her better I saw signs that she was still attracted to women. She was promiscuous in her past. She would keep telling me how she would never cheat on me or hurt me. To make a long story short, it bothered me to the point where I told her how I felt. She has admitted that she slept with her best girl friends and I know there was more to the stories that she was hiding. Lesbians are more promiscuous by nature because they have less of a chance of getting HIV. We ended up breaking up because of this and I'm glad we did. Looking back at this I was lied to and manipulated by her. She used me as a front to cover her cheating ways. I never caught her, but there were so many signs I failed to see looking back with a clear mind. The thoughts of her having sex with other women behind my back, and the fact that she used me kept me from sleeping at night for weeks on end. These thoughts became so bad that I had to call a therapist. I found out I had OCD. I am now on medication that has definitely helped with my obsessive thoughts. I am going to therapy 1-2 times a month. This just shows you that people who suffer from RJ can have a chemical imbalance like OCD. There is a good book that might help you without the need for medication. It is called "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey M. Schwartz

[norajane]

Actually, I remember how it all started... If anyone is interested, here is how my issues began.

 

I was looking up new sex positions and sexual techniques for us to try out on an adult forums online. One of the threads was for relationship questions so I started browsing. There was a guy who wrote about his gf had slept with a black man, and how he couldnt deal with it. Then, in the thread a couple other people started mentioning that their girls had slept with numerous guys, and they were having a hard time coping... And then i started thinking, man my girl has slept with a lot of people too... Anyways, I guess that kind of sparked it... But then I started reading more into the issue, thinking it was really a non issue. Then I started to read how guys are living their whole lives in agony over this stuff, coming out to deal with it 30 years later, etc etc... And im starting to think, man could this be me?

 

Then, I read more and more about it, and eventually I felt as though I was one of those people. Now, thousands of forums later, I am in this serious delima where I feel as though I am in the same situation. I need to just get off the freaking computer...

 

That's the saddest thing ever. That you allowed other people's views to become your own...and you kept reading and reading instead of stopping and just enjoying being with the woman in your life...until you now have to break up with the woman you would otherwise happily spend the rest of your life with.

 

What a shame, a huge, huge shame. It's like you got addicted to retroactive jealousy forums and it took over your relationship and your life.

 

People, when the internet starts to f*ck you over, get the hell off the computer!

[oldguy]

let's say she hadn't lied and instead you misheard way back when. I think the point that the guy was trying to make did not center around the lying, but rather on whether someone's sexual past should be looked at along the lines of other life experiences that come and go, or along the lines of a criminal past or something else that which, when disclosed, should forever alter your perception of someone.

 

 

 

I assume that i'm being considered among the "more liberal side" - please note that I have NEVER ONCE said "anything goes as long as it was legal."

 

 

 

well sure, I guess if you look at it that black and white...but the real issue is what constitutes promiscuity? is it a rough number? is it a type of sex? is it sex without love? is it sex for simply enjoyment - and if it is, is frequent masturbation promiscuous? is it having sex after X amount of dates, where X is a low number? is it having unprotected sex or otherwise "risky" behavior?

 

what I think I'm saying is that you can use a person's past to bounce them around all of these abitrary criteria and judge them as "promiscuous" or not, or you can evaluate that person AS A WHOLE - sexual past, non-sexual past, and present, and decide if you really give a damn. if you do decide that you do, there is nothing wrong with that...but make sure that it's really you and not some learned behavior that is making that decision.

 

to the guy that drew up a bunch of stats, here's a stat for you:

 

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, 36.9 percent of 14-year-olds have had sex - more than one out of three. Among 12th graders, 66.4 percent have had sex.

 

37 percent of 14-year olds!! how's that for some eye-opening info!!

 

 

 

I referenced several sources and that number is a little higher than most that include; intercourse, oral, manual manipulation and anal. But I think I get your point; any number for a person that young is a little disturbing. Most numbers go back to 10 years olds but there is a grey area when considering “consensual sex” and someone who is even in their mid to late teens. That has to do with the frontal lobes of the brain, which is where most of our reasoning comes from, not being fully developed until around age 25, yada yada yada. Unfortunately our hormones have reached there peak long before than. I counseled a 16 year old girl probably 15 years ago who had initiated, “consensual” sex with multiple partners at the age of ten! There is a fine line at times, particularly with adolescents, between consensual and coerced sex. That is why I included the stats on age difference between girls and their first sexual partner. Fifteen and sixteen year old girls first consensual sex isn’t generally with fifteen or sixteen year old boys, it’s usually with men who are on average five years older. There is a good reason that is call (statutory) rape. My point certainly wasn’t intended to shock anyone it was to present my views that there is a problem with promiscuity, or more correctly stated, promiscuity is generally and indicator, (on average) of not only a host of other issues that led to “high numbers” but the higher the numbers the higher the risk of social… issues throughout an individuals life. Here is the disclaimer; the social issues may have led to the behavior. That was my general view but not everyone’s and it boils down to a; “what came first, the chicken or the egg” argument.

 

I’m not sure how my comments actually relate to this ongoing topic, RJ. I just want to put my two cents in because I found that promiscuity many times runs much deeper than a simple lifestyle choice and it does, I found, have definite effects on an individual’s life. You can argue that the issues where there and we may agree but the fact that, in most cases; the higher the number the higher the probability of issues and there is strong evidence that those numbers, and not the issues alone, lead to higher unfavorable life experiences. For example; girls who become sexually active between the ages of 13 and 14 have less than a 28% chance of having a stable marriage while women who become sexually active between the ages of 19 and 22 have approximately a 65% chance of a stable marriage in their life time. I have personally found in relationship counseling that people who have had more sexual partners had far more incidence of multiple marriages, (3 or more). Now that was me and my findings, lets keep in mind the reason people came to me was because they had issues, so the only people I saw where the ones who where in trouble so to say.

 

I didn’t intend to divert the subject, (RJ) and refrained several times because I am concerned that my comments and opinions would lead to “fueling the fire”, that would definitely be a misuse of my comments. People who suffer from RJ have an issue that is there own. As someone else commented here earlier that he had read of people with as few as five partners that where struggling with RJ. Unless I hear of someone who has had 5 partners in any 12 month period, or at one time, I would not consider it a “red flag”.

[oldguy]

Okay; since I said my bit and did nothing on the subject of RJ I felt I should comment on it. Understand however, I am painting with a broad brush here. You may require actual counseling and this is certainly not my intent here.

 

I’ll try to cut to the chase. RJ, among many other similar conditions, is many times a self serving or self manifesting condition. That is to say the sufferers may be wallowing in the pain. I know that sounds strange and there are those in the field that don’t prescribe to that idea but I do. A good, if not entirely accurate analogy is the runner who is willing to endure the pain for the adrenaline fix. (yes I know it’s not adrenaline but lets not get technical here). When you are in this state your brain attempts to ease your condition chemically, much like the runner. To get past it lets switch to another analogy; a smoker, or an alcoholic has to stop themselves from lighting that next cigarette or taking that next drink. The person suffering with RJ has to intentionally stop this thought process, this can be extremely difficult at first, you may even need a placebo, that is something else to switch your thoughts too. Eventually, like the smoker or the alcoholic this problem should subside and even appear to go away, but like the smoker or alcoholic you will always need to remain vigilant. This is not easy and your going to have to put a lot of effort into it. Which brings me to a tired old joke that relates to this, sort of; “How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it will take a long time, be very expensive and most importantly; the light bulb is going to need to want to change”. I hope this helps some of you, if not get help, this is your problem not you SO's. And please stop talking to her/him about it unless you can afford to both see a counceller. Thats a joke; just remember RJ is your problem; he/she may or may not have delt with their own issues but RJ belongs to you.

 

Most of us see a doctor at least once a year for a physical and our dentist a few times a year to get our teeth checked and cleaned but very few people see a mental health consultant until they are in trouble. Hell I go at least once every couple of years for a session or two.

[oldguy]

AA; I misread your numbers as 66% for 13 and 14 year olds. My bad.

[AAlike]

 

I once dated a girl who had probably twice as many sexual partners as my gf, who even did internet porn and worked as an exotic dancer. Her past never bugged me, except for when I found out she did internet porn it kinda made me itch a little but I scratched it off. Really, her sexuality was a non issue and we were in a serious relationship for quite a while. I never thought I loved her though, which might be the biggest difference here.

 

And, even I have some dark spots in my past. I have done some pretty stupid things, things that really I wish I had never done, things that I will enver tell anyone, and things that I will bring the grave with me. Man, I have used women, and been used by woman. Had one night stands, and had deep meaningful sex. All before her. So, what is up with this why am I so hung up on her past. She didnt even do anything extremely outright.

 

 

well, I think that you've hit the nail on the head here. I think that love is making you act irrationally. you're not the first and you won't be the last.

 

The fact that you have dated women with extensive sexual pasts before, as well as had a past of your own should make this easier for you to get over - I mean if you've dated a girl that did internet porn before this should be nothing!!! but I think that your experiences should be the focus here. i know that it helped me to look at my own past sexual experiences, whether casual or when I thought that I might have been in love (which I now knew that I hadn't been) and realize that they were essentially meaningless...or more importantly, totally finite. I mean, sure, the dealings with those girls may have had some sort of effect on me, but the actual sex act had came and went. i'm sure that whatever happened between her and those guys is pretty much an afterthought in both her and the guy's minds - and if it's not, then she's not ready for a relationship.

 

you need to just try and focus on the good things about her for now, maybe try some therapuetic techniques that have been suggested on here, and eventually she'll slip off of the pedestal and back to being a flawed human like everyone else, and you should then be able to assess your relationship rationally like it's clear that you want to do.

[D-Lish]

We see these posts coming up over and over again... guys that can't accept the past sexual behaviour of the woman they love before these girls met you.

 

I felt it such a shame to read that your gf actually broke down and told you how shameful she felt for being with more guys that YOU found to be in the acceptable range. That kind of damage can't be undone.

 

You've made YOUR judgement a problem for BOTH of you. She now feels horrible for not being what you need her to be to make your own ego feel better...

 

The "how many people have you been with" question should never be asked... I don't ask it and I don't reveal. It's no ones business but my own. When men don't get the answer they are looking for... it causes a problem. Often- it's a problem that is rarely reconciled.

 

If you cannot handle knowing this truth... A relationship will not work out between the two of you.

 

The double standard is so ridiculous.

[Caitlan]

I agree... the doublestandard is unreal. So a guy is a dude when he has sex with lots of women and the woman is a slut. After reading all this I think this women should dump you as I don't think you'll ever get over this ridiculous thing about her being "trampish" and it's not fair for her to be with a man that she KNOWS thinks she not worthy of your love. Let her go so she can find someone that can care for her as she is now. You're screwing her head up royally and trashing her self esteem with your idea of what a "good" woman is. Let her find someon else who values her regardless of her past.

[george35]

I agree, you are hurting the person you claim to love because you have a problem with her past. I think oldguy was totally correct when he said this problem is yours, not hers. After reading many of these threads I don’t believe it is just a guy thing however. Also after reading so many of these I’m still wondering if at least a large percentage of people complaining about RJ might be people who think that two people making love is or should be more than just sex. I was raised in an atmosphere that lead me to believe it was something special and although that didn’t mean you couldn’t find, or believe you’ve found someone special several times, I really don’t think a twenty year old, (random age), can truly say they’ve found a dozen someone specials. I got past the way I was raised, or maybe I just became jaded but as I was considering which it was I thought; either way it’s kind of sad I don’t really feel that way any longer. My SO has a bit of a past as I do, to a lesser extent but the only problem I ever had with her past initially was she had a history of cheating but more recently was in a long term relationship in which she did not. But the truly sad thing is that although I love her dearly I can’t honestly say I feel all warm and fuzzy about her they way I thought it was supposed to be when I was young. I also no longer believe there are soul mates. Maybe we’ve just abandoned our naive concept of love in favor of Hollywood’s depiction. Hey, even I like Desperate Housewives but I certainly hope we aren’t heading in that direction.

[soconfused01]

Lesbians are more promiscuous by nature because they have less of a chance of getting HIV.

 

that's the most rediculous thing I've ever read.

 

 

 

 

in your case, I think that your GF is being a huge impeding factor to you getting past your jealousy. Part of a successful relationship is reinforcement, especially regarding intimacy issues. while its true that your bombardment of questions is probably not healthy, the point is that you shouldn't NEED to ask those questions. she should be telling you that you're "the one", and then stupid, pointless details like "biggest d*ck" wouldn't need to come up. I'm sure that in my situation, the fact that we had plenty of conversations about how awesome and unprecedented our sexual connections were subtly helped both of us out on our RJ issues (she had some too).

 

getting over the emotional effect of your partner's past can be tough, but it's damn near impossible if your partner doesn't do her best to show that SHE has moved beyond that past. I don't think that your GF is doing that in this situation.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one. Time and again, you hear people on here with jealousy issues (current or retroactive) and the ones that end happily are where the person has a supportive partner telling him or her that the past is nothing compared to them. Jealousy is at it's heart, I believe, a product of the fear of not being good enough. When your partner tells you emphatically you are good enough, better in fact than everyone else- there's not much left to be afraid of.

 

If only this could be applied to my RJ. I started a relationship with my partner with an extreme number discrepancy. His was ~30, mine 0. But this didn't bother me at the time. I had all the healthy notions that everyone is suggesting on here "The past is the past, etc" but my partner, because of his own insecurity, compared me with his past partners, and now my RJ is as obessive as anyone else's. For him to say "the past doesn't matter, I am with you" cannot work, I can't believe him - he's proven to me that the past does matter to him, as he used it against me. He stopped doing it for months, then I overheard a conversation where he was talking about a past partner being the best sex ever. So I am left to believe he's not stopped comparing me, just stopped comparing me to my face. I would like to believe he doesn't compare me at all, as he now insists. there just seems to be no proof of that, and I don't have it in me for any more leaps of faith.

 

if anyone has any suggestions on how to overcome this, it would be appreciated.