GFs past bothers me

[norajane]

if anyone has any suggestions on how to overcome this, it would be appreciated.

 

End the relationship. If you can't get past it, move on instead of making each other miserable. Not all relationships are forever - sometimes people are incompatible and that's all there is.

[george35]

Your relationship sounds like the type I was just questioning; some people my have a completely different perspective of sex. Some, I believe think of it as simply sex, others as more of an intimate act between two people. I think the physical act of sex can be good with any couple but it can never be as satisfying as in an intimate relationship.

 

I agree; leave him, don’t settle now and certainly not in the future.

[AAlike]

Your relationship sounds like the type I was just questioning; some people my have a completely different perspective of sex. Some, I believe think of it as simply sex, others as more of an intimate act between two people.

 

You see, I completely disagree with the fact that sex has to be this black and white thing. The implication that goes along with that is that people that are not averse to casual sex will somehow find sex "less valuable" or "less special" with their partner, and that those that are averse to it and "save themselves" for love place more "value" in it. That implication is BS, and in fact, I think that is precisely the mentality that leads to RJ and relationship problems.

 

I think that the people that have the healthiest sex lives and relationships understand that sex is both one of the most basic human instincts as well as a manifestation of emotion and passion, and that the the importance or lack thereof is defined by the situation.

 

I think the physical act of sex can be good with any couple but it can never be as satisfying as in an intimate relationship.

 

of course! and the key element of a good relationship is understanding this. but as long as both parties understand it and it applies to their relationship, what does it matter how you arrived there?

 

I agree; leave him, don’t settle now and certainly not in the future.

 

while I don't know that she should unequivocally dump him, I agree that he's being extremely disrespectful. as we've established, part of a good relationship is the understanding and affirmation that your current lover makes you forget about the others. whether they'd both slept with 1000 people or they were each other's 2nd, comparing your partner to previous lovers is not cool.

[soconfused01]

I agree that he's being extremely disrespectful. as we've established, part of a good relationship is the understanding and affirmation that your current lover makes you forget about the others. whether they'd both slept with 1000 people or they were each other's 2nd, comparing your partner to previous lovers is not cool.

 

is there any recovery if this has already happened? do you think it would be naive of me to believe I make him forget about the others if I overheard a conversation where he's talking about others in his past? I guess I could imagine a situation where I would praise the skills of people I've only hooked up with (as in fooled around, no sex) to friends in private conversation and still respect my partner sexually. I am worried he is just saying what I want to hear, and doesn't in fact value me as an individual sexually. A private conversation to friends that I happened to overhear would be easier to accept if it were an isolated incident. His used to compare me to my face, but hasn't done this in almost a year and realized it was wrong of him. But, those wounds haven't completely healed yet.

 

/end hijacking of thread!

[AAlike]

is there any recovery if this has already happened? do you think it would be naive of me to believe I make him forget about the others if I overheard a conversation where he's talking about others in his past? I guess I could imagine a situation where I would praise the skills of people I've only hooked up with (as in fooled around, no sex) to friends in private conversation and still respect my partner sexually. I am worried he is just saying what I want to hear, and doesn't in fact value me as an individual sexually. A private conversation to friends that I happened to overhear would be easier to accept if it were an isolated incident. His used to compare me to my face, but hasn't done this in almost a year and realized it was wrong of him. But, those wounds haven't completely healed yet.

 

/end hijacking of thread!

 

well, one alternative might be to look at it as a sort of challenge...instead of saying "has he forgetten about past lovers" think of it as "I'm going to MAKE him forget about past lovers" and really blow his mind - tap into your inner temptress, you know??

 

and if that doesn't work, or that's not really your style...then maybe simply ask him if there's anything that you can do to enhance your sex life. but try and do it in a way that does not seem like a manifestation of insecurity but rather to benefit both of you. it's entirely possible that there's things that he's into but is reluctant to bring up because he might think that you're not into it or you might think that it's weird.

[soconfused01]

thanks for your advice aalike. I've asked him what can I do to make our sex life better, and why so and so was better and his response is that they were just "more into it" which perplexes me because I can't be more into it than I was at the beginning of our sex life. I feel like he is asking me to run after breaking both my legs. He wants confidence in the bedroom and undermines mine. When we first started having sex I was mad about him and wanted it more than he did. I've been more outgoing sexually than he is, I've suggesting having sex in public places, making homemade porn, bringing porn into the bedroom, it was at my request we went porn shopping together.

This 'best ever' he's had, it seems she was best for reasons outside my control. Apparently was wet ALL the time, could have nipple orgasms (though never with him), etc. Not even my normal sex noises are good enough for him. I would love to step up my game, but I have no idea how to do so, and feel like I have to put on a huge show to be appreciated.

 

he's really into squirter porn so part of me wants to learn how to do that, and part of me is sad I have to change.

 

I realize I'm issuing a tall order for advice, which is why most of what I've got on LS is "dump him" lol.

 

 

edit: i can hope however that maybe if there is any guy who reads this that doesn't already know: if you want your partner to do something different sexually, the route to get there is through praise and suggestion not criticism!

[AAlike]

 

edit: i can hope however that maybe if there is any guy who reads this that doesn't already know: if you want your partner to do something different sexually, the route to get there is through praise and suggestion not criticism!

 

yeah, that's kinda bullsh*t. you shouldn't be trying to "become someone else" in the bedroom. that's crap.

 

and it doesn't take a genius to know that nobody is 100% confident in their abilities during intimacy and that nothing can be gained by taking a critical stance! imagine if you told him that his penis was suboptimal!

 

honestly, sex isn't really a "skill" in that sense I don't think, and your sexuality isn't really something that you're going to morph in order to mirror someone else's. and you certainly shouldn't be trying to imitate porn.

 

you ever think that possibly your supposed inhibition is a result of you trying to put on a facade or imitate others?

[george35]

AA; you disagree that some people can feel differently about sex than others? I wasn’t suggesting the issue is black and white I was posing the question based on the fact that not everyone views sex the same way or even the same person feels the same way throughout the course of their lives. But that’s where accountability needs to be considered. Speaking from personal experience; when I was… more promiscuous myself, it was mostly just sex. I didn’t want a relationship, beyond a sexual one, (and maybe casual social one), but definitely nothing long term and certainly nothing meaningful.

 

When you refer to sex as being, “both basic, as well as a manifestation of emotion and passion” if what you are saying is good old healthy lust, yes, it is. I think a dose of basic manifestation of emotion and passion is very healthy in any relationship. I have just found there is more than that alone and in fact that is enhanced in a more committed relationship.

 

I agree that the suggestion to just dump this guy was a little abrupt. After re-reading most of the posts in this thread its seems obvious that there are two views that most of us generally fall into, at least to some degree and that the past matters to some more than others and I think more so if a potential couples views or beliefs are apposed there is going to be problems.

 

TRUETHCRUSHEDTOEARTH may have said it all, or at least well when posted; “Don't listen to this nonsense about the past being the past. The past is a great indicator of the make up of a person”. And; “If your values don't match up, then she is a bad match”. “You need to learn to accept yourself for who you are. If this type of thing bothers you, that’s fine. You are not a terrible person who needs to be something they are not. A free spirited person might not be bothered by her past. Good for him. But if that is not you, that's fine too”.

 

I am wondering how someone with little experience ended up in a relationship with someone with 30 plus partners? Is there a fairly large age difference so he is finally ready to settle down and is she fairly inexperienced because she is young. Something just doesn’t add up. There where not a lot of, “inexperienced” women hanging out in my social groups when I was ummm, sleeping around a lot. In fact, I avoided them. I guess the couple relationships, if they could be called that, that I had during that time could best be summed up in a Bob Seger line, “I used her she used me and neither one cared”.

 

Going back to post #82, STILLAFOOL; “Would 20 sexual partners be a lot for a 20 year old man”? In my opinion; Yes, if it bothers his SO because their, “values don’t match up”.[

 

Before someone calls me a hypocrite, I’m not proud of my past but it is what it is. My SO’s past is a little more promiscuous than mine and the only problems I have ever had is that quite a few of her, “numbers” where while she was married once before. We discussed it and came to an understanding however. I can only speak for myself when I say I could have lived without my, “darker” days.

 

I found OLDGUY; last two posts interesting and insightful as it pertained to my experiences both personal and some others I know.

 

One more thing about the past being the past; yes it is, but it should not be used as an excuse any more than a drunk should use their drunkenness to excuse their behavior. We all need to at least be kept accountable otherwise we will continue to excuse every decision we make without due consideration. Otherwise we will continually excuse our conscience with; “I was young, I was drunk, I was stoned, I was stupid” and that, double A, is what I call; BS.

[AAlike]

AA; you disagree that some people can feel differently about sex than others? I wasn’t suggesting the issue is black and white I was posing the question based on the fact that not everyone views sex the same way or even the same person feels the same way throughout the course of their lives. But that’s where accountability needs to be considered. Speaking from personal experience; when I was… more promiscuous myself, it was mostly just sex. I didn’t want a relationship, beyond a sexual one, (and maybe casual social one), but definitely nothing long term and certainly nothing meaningful.

 

OK in that sense, I agree - in fact I think that we're maybe even saying the same thing...the context and role that sex plays in one's life can very well be ever-changing. in fact, i think that it's probably safe to say that it is in most people's lives - it's a fair statement to say that the majority of people in college, per se, are not looking for a husband or wife but are certainly open to some sex.

 

What I am arguing against (and forgive me if I misinterpreted you, I'm just so used to seeing it in these forums) is the notion that the partner in the relationship that has had more sex prior to the relationship obviously sees sex as "less special" or less intimate as the one that has had less. or that people that are able to have casual sex are by nature less able to have "special" sex or don't place as much "value" in it. I'm saying that the value that you place in sex with your current partner is in no way correlated to either of your sexual pasts.

 

When you refer to sex as being, “both basic, as well as a manifestation of emotion and passion” if what you are saying is good old healthy lust, yes, it is. I think a dose of basic manifestation of emotion and passion is very healthy in any relationship. I have just found there is more than that alone and in fact that is enhanced in a more committed relationship.

 

Exactly! And that's why instead of feeling threatened by people's casual exploits, they should be rendered totally insignificant.

 

TRUETHCRUSHEDTOEARTH may have said it all, or at least well when posted; “Don't listen to this nonsense about the past being the past. The past is a great indicator of the make up of a person”. And; “If your values don't match up, then she is a bad match”. “You need to learn to accept yourself for who you are. If this type of thing bothers you, that’s fine. You are not a terrible person who needs to be something they are not. A free spirited person might not be bothered by her past. Good for him. But if that is not you, that's fine too”.

 

Going back to post #82, STILLAFOOL; “Would 20 sexual partners be a lot for a 20 year old man”? In my opinion; Yes, if it bothers his SO because their, “values don’t match up”.

 

Well, that would all be fine and dandy except this is not a logical or judgemental thing. If it were, he'd be able just decide "yeah, I can't deal with that" and walk. i'll say it again and again - we are dealing with an emotional condition. it's never going to be something that yields a simple "acceptable or not" answer.

 

Before someone calls me a hypocrite, I’m not proud of my past but it is what it is. I can only speak for myself when I say I could have lived without my, “darker” days.

 

ok, so are these "darker days" a "great indicator" that you are clearly not the kind of person that will ever be suited for a happy relationship? Or are they something that you have moved past?

 

My SO’s past is a little more promiscuous than mine and the only problems I have ever had is that quite a few of her, “numbers” where while she was married once before. We discussed it and came to an understanding however.

 

well that is very understandable - and in that sense I would in fact be very wary of her past too. Someone that will knowingly sleep with a married person is capable of hurting others - in my opinion that is not even in the same ballpark as any amount of consensual sex.

 

One more thing about the past being the past; yes it is, but it should not be used as an excuse any more than a drunk should use their drunkenness to excuse their behavior. We all need to at least be kept accountable otherwise we will continue to excuse every decision we make without due consideration. Otherwise we will continually excuse our conscience with; “I was young, I was drunk, I was stoned, I was stupid” and that, double A, is what I call; BS.

 

no doubt about that. however, I would also contend that summing up someone's entire past with something as transparent as a number and only focusing on whether that number adheres to some arbitrary standard of "acceptability" versus trying to understand the circumstances surrounding that number and make a determination based on those circumstances is really selling someone short. we're humans, not statistics.

[Hagard]

So many threads/posts everywhere on the internet about this topic and still people believe in the urban legend of average "double standard" (well duuh guys.. so many girls have the same problem..) and cure for getting over especially "she had group sex before and I find't it disgusting and immoral" which will not be found and such relationships end up in shambles (really the statistics are horrible.. more than horrible.).

 

If you find it hard to get over even after 6 months then stop trying and set the girl free.. she deserves it and so do you.. you can't hurt yourself and herself. You simply weren't destined to have a different mind than some "open-minded" people have. But don't worry.. the number of such open-minded people is not really big as these courageous heroes who would marry every whore around might think... believe it or not...

 

I've been there and my story has been a pretty horrible one with ****loads of stupid unnecessary drama (mostly because of an insane amount of lies).

 

Get over it or break up.. simple but the act of breaking up will tear up your soul for some time.. but time heals you know

[Twynham]

I'm thinking of giving Schwartz' book, Brain Lock a go...

 

I understand that with OCD, the obsession is the irrational / unwanted / intrusive thoughts.

I understand in OCD that a person's compulsion is their unreasonable method of dealing with an obsession.

 

So for example, someone with the obsession that their hands are riddled with germs, their compulsion is to wash their hands.

 

In the case of Retroactive Jealousy, whereby the obsession is the SO's past, and the images this creates in the obsessor's mind, what exactly is the compulsion?

[xtopher65]

In my case the compulsion was asking more and more questions about her past. Once I got the answer it would relieve my anxiety temporarily. This would be a vicious cycle that would keep building over a period of time until most of my day was spent imagining her having sex with others. When I began losing sleep over this I knew I had a problem.

[norajane]

In my case the compulsion was asking more and more questions about her past. Once I got the answer it would relieve my anxiety temporarily. This would be a vicious cycle that would keep building over a period of time until most of my day was spent imagining her having sex with others. When I began losing sleep over this I knew I had a problem.

 

Wow. I just can't imagine that. What makes you stay in a relationship with someone when this is the result?

 

Presuming it's love that keeps you in the relationship, do you think there's a fear of commitment or fear of intimacy associated with RJ? Like, she's perfect and someone you would be with forever....so your subconscious fear of commitment or intimacy acts up and creates this obsession to put you off her and make a forever relationship impossible?

 

That's how fear of intimacy and commitment manifest. When you get into one of these promising relationships, you suddenly find yourself creating issues and arguments, or needy and clingy behavior that will put your partner off, or withdrawing or disappearing and making your partner freak out, so that ultimately you break up instead of facing the fear...fear is a powerful thing.

[brokenboy]

In my case the compulsion was asking more and more questions about her past. Once I got the answer it would relieve my anxiety temporarily. This would be a vicious cycle that would keep building over a period of time until most of my day was spent imagining her having sex with others. When I began losing sleep over this I knew I had a problem.

 

exactly. I think that's the case w/ me too. the asking questions part...

[brokenboy]

Presuming it's love that keeps you in the relationship, do you think there's a fear of commitment or fear of intimacy associated with RJ? Like, she's perfect and someone you would be with forever....so your subconscious fear of commitment or intimacy acts up and creates this obsession to put you off her and make a forever relationship impossible?

 

That's how fear of intimacy and commitment manifest. When you get into one of these promising relationships, you suddenly find yourself creating issues and arguments, or needy and clingy behavior that will put your partner off, or withdrawing or disappearing and making your partner freak out, so that ultimately you break up instead of facing the fear...fear is a powerful thing.

 

indeed. I've repeated this a few times... I'm convinced a big part of it (BIG!!) is fear. and trust. and more fear. and yes, it effectively ended one relationship several years ago... I'm AFRAID it's about to do so again. which is why I'm not leaving any solution on the table this time. med, prayer, therapy, CBT... we're going to blow this **** out of the water this time!

 

sorry... trying to be positive and hopeful.