GFs past bothers me

[AAlike]

Bish,

 

Although I think that you sometimes have a tendency to label everyone as a cheater, I do agree with the gist of what you're saying here...which is that the person showing tendencies of being dishonest is much more likely to be a problem in OP's current relationship than analyzing her history.

 

However in this instance - although she did "lie" per se, I think that most people, especially women, probably understand that when that question is posed to them, it's kind of implied that they are going to be judged on that answer - I mean, really, why the heck else would you ask it? Maybe she'd been judged for that before, in fact. hell, I bet if my GF and I broke up and she started dating someone else she'd CERTAINLY think twice about answering that question with 100% truth right out of the gate considering the trouble that it caused!

 

so you should at least consider the possibility that she knew that this would be a point of contention with you, and probably feels stupid about a few trysts in the past (NOT ashamed, just stupid) when compared to how she feels about you - and maybe perhaps she thought that she would break it to you gradually. not necessarily the best method, but still a possibility, no?

 

And if she was that loose, do you really think she wouldn't be up for a few encounters with other guys if the perfect opportunity presented itself to her?

 

now now - there's no need for that kind of stuff. what she does while uncommitted has nothing to do with what she does while committed.

[lkjh]

Would we even be having this discussion if we were talking about a man, how many partners has the original poster had?

 

So are you saying that in general you disagree with this? I'm sorry but in general if a girl bangs 15+ guys by the time she is 20 then you might want to consider what you are getting yourself into. Look I do hold a double standard everyone does is some way just look at how we always view women as victims even when they are committing crimes like teachers sleeping with students. This is the way the world works

[Ruby Slippers]

I cant help but picture the woman I love stooping so low and giving her body to men that didnt care for her.

Did ALL of the women you had sex with care for you? Probably not. So were you "stooping so low" by giving your body to them?

 

maybe I should look for someone that was able to repect themselves the way I did. I knew that I never wanted to tell my wife or fiance that I had slept with countless women and I wanted the same for me.

Countless? This is a major exaggeration. You are obviously not thinking rationally.

[bish]

Bish,

 

Although I think that you sometimes have a tendency to label everyone as a cheater

 

I dont label everyone as a cheater. I label cheaters as cheaters.

 

I didn't call his gf a cheater because he doesn't know if she has and hasn't suspected her of such. But I do think she is untrustworthy. Cheater? maybe, maybe not. Only he could say. But thats not the point of his post. Its her past coupled with her present lying.

 

 

 

However in this instance - although she did "lie" per se, I think that most people, especially women, probably understand that when that question is posed to them, it's kind of implied that they are going to be judged on that answer - I mean, really, why the heck else would you ask it? Maybe she'd been judged for that before, in fact. hell, I bet if my GF and I broke up and she started dating someone else she'd CERTAINLY think twice about answering that question with 100% truth right out of the gate considering the trouble that it caused!

 

so you should at least consider the possibility that she knew that this would be a point of contention with you, and probably feels stupid about a few trysts in the past (NOT ashamed, just stupid) when compared to how she feels about you - and maybe perhaps she thought that she would break it to you gradually. not necessarily the best method, but still a possibility, no?

 

Sure, and maybe I can see if she came back once and said she lied. But not only did she change her story twice, she said she "forgot" about 5 guys she had been with. Which to me is a crock. She knew how many, she just lied. So instead of giving him bull about forgetting about 5 guys, she should have just came clean the first time and admitted she simply flat out lied....not "forgot".

 

 

now now - there's no need for that kind of stuff. what she does while uncommitted has nothing to do with what she does while committed.

 

Sure it does. A promiscuous person likes the variety of boning alot of different people. He shouldn't be surprised if he ever does find out she misses the variety.

[bish]

So are you saying that in general you disagree with this? I'm sorry but in general if a girl bangs 15+ guys by the time she is 20 then you might want to consider what you are getting yourself into.

 

exactly......

[Stockalone]

However in this instance - although she did "lie" per se, I think that most people, especially women, probably understand that when that question is posed to them, it's kind of implied that they are going to be judged on that answer - I mean, really, why the heck else would you ask it? Maybe she'd been judged for that before, in fact. hell, I bet if my GF and I broke up and she started dating someone else she'd CERTAINLY think twice about answering that question with 100% truth right out of the gate considering the trouble that it caused!

 

so you should at least consider the possibility that she knew that this would be a point of contention with you, and probably feels stupid about a few trysts in the past (NOT ashamed, just stupid) when compared to how she feels about you - and maybe perhaps she thought that she would break it to you gradually. not necessarily the best method, but still a possibility, no?

 

Come on now. Do you honestly believe that if she fears to be judged by a guy because of her number, releasing the information bit by bit or flat out lying about it will do any good in the long run?

 

Having been on the receiving end, I think it makes things worse. I also see it as a form of manipulation. If the woman doesn't want to be with a man who would jugde her for her past, then she should be looking for a guy who won't ask.

 

To make the guy believe you are something you are not, is not right. And I don't understand why people do that.

[AAlike]

Sure, and maybe I can see if she came back once and said she lied. But not only did she change her story twice, she said she "forgot" about 5 guys she had been with. Which to me is a crock. She knew how many, she just lied. So instead of giving him bull about forgetting about 5 guys, she should have just came clean the first time and admitted she simply flat out lied....not "forgot".

 

Fair enough - like I said I certainly don't think that she handled the situation in the best manner...and it's probably better to say nothing than to say that she "forgot", but at least she eventually came clean, which many people would never have done when they know that they're being ultimately judged and completely defined by something that I highly doubt that they think that they should be defined by. doesn't mean that she shouldn't be held accountable for lying, but her motivation very well might not have been simply to be deceitful. that's up to OP to decide.

 

Sure it does. A promiscuous person likes the variety of boning alot of different people. He shouldn't be surprised if he ever does find out she misses the variety.

 

a girl that likes sex...oooooooooooh....stay FAR away...

[bish]

a girl that likes sex...oooooooooooh....stay FAR away...

 

There is a difference between someone that likes sex and is selective about who they sleep with, someone that values being in a relationship before doing the deed....and a slut that isn't too picky about who and how many people they boff.

 

yes, stay FAR away from someone like that...otherwise the doctor might not have very good news for you. Yes, you can get a disease from anyone, but the chances are higher with someone like that.

[AAlike]

Come on now. Do you honestly believe that if she fears to be judged by a guy because of her number, releasing the information bit by bit or flat out lying about it will do any good in the long run?

 

no, as i said it was some poor execution on her part, and yes, she really just compounded the problem/delayed the inevitable.

 

Having been on the receiving end, I think it makes things worse. I also see it as a form of manipulation. If the woman doesn't want to be with a man who would jugde her for her past, then she should be looking for a guy who won't ask.

 

there's a difference between judging someone on their past and judging someone solely on one aspect of their past.

 

I have a question for you guys.

 

I have a younger brother than struggled with drug problems for a good two years. I don't have all of the details of what happened during that time, but it will suffice to say that during that time period in which he essentially "hit bottom", he did some things - probably sexual, criminal, disloyal, you name it - that I'm sure are fairly reprehensible. I've never made him sit down and tell me about them because I just don't feel the need, and I know that it wouldn't benefit me at all to know, it would only hurt. He has been clean for several years now and things seem to be going well.

 

so do you guys feel that, for him to potentially date anyone, that he should show up at a first date with a huge laundry list of everything that he has done that might cause someone to question his character and fully disclose this, so that they "know him" and that he's not pretending? or do you think that him simply disclosing that he was an addict and had gone through a rough patch in his life would be sufficient?

[lkjh]

No, I don't think he needs to tell a girl on the first date everything about his past but are you going to bash a girl that does not want to date him based off this.

[onlyicansee]

I said it before, and I will say it again. If the person truly has come out of that part of their life, that person is no longer part of them, and they are 100% sure that its the past, then I think that if their is a laundry list of things that would potentially damage a meaningful connection with someone, it should probably not be disclosed. If that means lying and denying that it ever happened then that is fine with me. If someone boned 30 people, but realized their past mistakes, is no longer promiscuous like that and is clean, then really dont tell me that. It will do nothing for me, and only make things worse. Even if I ask, deny it. Why should I know really? I am asking for a peace of mind that my gf is not a slut. If she was a slut, then I dont want to know -period.

 

Just make sure that you dont say you slept with 3 people, but then a year later divulge the truth to me. Seriously, make sure you keep up the lies, dont let the truth come out. If someone said they slept with 3 people, I would never bring up the subject of past lovers again, as it would never be on my mind.

 

Anyways, lie lie lie. If your man asks if you had a threesome or group sex, lie. Dont tell them yea I had orgies, group sex, threesomes, etc. If they ask if you had a guy with a bigger dick tell them a lie. If they ask if you had better lovers, lie. If they ask the most kinkyest thing you did tell them something you did with them, or tell them something mild. Dont tell them anal sex in the bathroom of the circle k gas station while you were on drugs with some stranger that got you high.

[nopainnogain]

They should have something similar to "carfax" reports for woman:laugh:

[Terminator]

She's definately the same person, It just can't get those images out of my head. I sucks to picture 16 other dudes touching the woman you love. Im not worried about her cheating cause even though her ex cheated on her she never did it back. Im just really worried that if I cant stop imagining these things Im going to have to leave her which is the last thing that I want. Its just unfair for her if Im going to hold myself back because of something neither of us can control. Any ideas on how I should look at her past as a good thing instead of all the bad?

 

Then it seems you need to find yourself a gf you know for sure has NEVER been with another man - in other words a virgin. Sucks to be you, my friend.

[Stockalone]

no, as i said it was some poor execution on her part, and yes, she really just compounded the problem/delayed the inevitable.

 

there's a difference between judging someone on their past and judging someone solely on one aspect of their past.

 

One deed can be enough for me to choose to not get involved. But that would be a topic for another thread, and one we have discussed in at least one other thread already.

 

 

 

I have a question for you guys.

 

I have a younger brother than struggled with drug problems for a good two years. I don't have all of the details of what happened during that time, but it will suffice to say that during that time period in which he essentially "hit bottom", he did some things - probably sexual, criminal, disloyal, you name it - that I'm sure are fairly reprehensible. I've never made him sit down and tell me about them because I just don't feel the need, and I know that it wouldn't benefit me at all to know, it would only hurt. He has been clean for several years now and things seem to be going well.

 

You didn't want to know. Nothing wrong with that, other people would want to know.

 

 

 

so do you guys feel that, for him to potentially date anyone, that he should show up at a first date with a huge laundry list of everything that he has done that might cause someone to question his character and fully disclose this, so that they "know him" and that he's not pretending? or do you think that him simply disclosing that he was an addict and had gone through a rough patch in his life would be sufficient?

 

He most definately should be honest about it when a woman asks questions in that direction.

 

If it becomes obvious that it might be bothering a woman he dates and he wants to pursue a relationship with that woman, I think he should also bring it up without having been specifically asked.

[You'reasian]

If she holds onto pictures, especially the explicit ones involving her exes, then you can take that as a warning sign.

 

Otherwise, who cares how many partners she's had, as long as it isn't too many (less than her age x 1?)

[o0oscar0o]

Anyways, lie lie lie. If your man asks if you had a threesome or group sex, lie. Dont tell them yea I had orgies, group sex, threesomes, etc. If they ask if you had a guy with a bigger dick tell them a lie. If they ask if you had better lovers, lie. If they ask the most kinkyest thing you did tell them something you did with them, or tell them something mild. Dont tell them anal sex in the bathroom of the circle k gas station while you were on drugs with some stranger that got you high.

and why is this true? cause so many guys here like bish and terminator are insecure and/or judgemental. AALike & Sevenfold, are you with your girls cause because of who they are between teh sheets or for who they are between their ears? so she slept with 17 guys? so she forgot the exact number.. to me that means that means she made some mistakes and didnt want to remember them.. and the high point is that, as painful as it was, she still told you knowing how much it was going to affect you. sleeping with 7, 17, or 70 guys doesnt change a single thing if you realize that your relationship is not about sex but about emotions. some of her sexual past was with guys she had an emotional connection with, some she had a physical connection with, some were just plain old regretable incident obviously. sex is sex.. everyone get over it. sex doenst equal love. promiscuity does not equal a low self esteem. past does not equal present nor future.

[bish]

and why is this true? cause so many guys here like bish and terminator are insecure and/or judgemental.

 

 

Its obvious you didn't read what I wrote. I told him in my first reply that I wouldn't be as concerned about how many people she slept with as I would be concerned with her lying and changing her story twice over.

[AAlike]

and why is this true? cause so many guys here like bish and terminator are insecure and/or judgemental. AALike & Sevenfold, are you with your girls cause because of who they are between teh sheets or for who they are between their ears? so she slept with 17 guys? so she forgot the exact number.. to me that means that means she made some mistakes and didnt want to remember them.. and the high point is that, as painful as it was, she still told you knowing how much it was going to affect you. sleeping with 7, 17, or 70 guys doesnt change a single thing if you realize that your relationship is not about sex but about emotions. some of her sexual past was with guys she had an emotional connection with, some she had a physical connection with, some were just plain old regretable incident obviously. sex is sex.. everyone get over it. sex doenst equal love. promiscuity does not equal a low self esteem. past does not equal present nor future.

 

bravo sir - although I will say that I don't think that you meant to call out terminator, I think that he was agreeing with you.

[BuJin]

Ill warn you now that its pretty long but I really need advice.

 

Ive been dating this girl now for about four months. Shes 20 im 22. Things have been better than better. She is everything that I want in a girl but could never find until now. The problem is that a month and a half ago I asked her how many people she had been with.

 

She told me it was 6...

 

I thought I had finally found a decent girl with a clean past.

Last week though she might as well have stabbed me in the chest.

 

She told me we needed to talk because she had lied.

 

She said she had actually slept with 12 people which made me feel a little uneasy but I knew I could get over it in time.

 

The day afterward she started crying and I asked her what was wrong. She said that she started thinking about her past some more and it wasn't really 12, but that I made number 17 because she forgot 5 others. Two days of news like that in a row really killed me.

 

 

I say get over it. When most people are young they like to fantasize they are their partners first. I felt that way at your age as well. The reality of it, is people have lives and pasts.

 

She isn't a criminal for having sex, she obviously enjoys it, which bodes well for the relationship. It is quite clear she realizes what many men would think if she was honest from the beginning, so that is why she didn't unload that on the first date. In fact, that probably isn't a good discussion for a first date anyway.

 

She obviously values you, and you are important to her.

 

She obviously values honesty, which is important in a relationship, which bodes well for the relationship as well.

 

If you feel she is the one, you need to get over it, cause you cannot change the past. If you cannot live with it, you need to move on and find someone with a past you approve of.

 

Ask yourself this.... "Can I live with her and love her for the rest of my life knowing her past?"

 

As for myself, my wife was quite promiscuous when she was younger and I am VERY comfortable with that, but I am me.

[AAlike]

I say get over it. When most people are young they like to fantasize they are their partners first. I felt that way at your age as well. The reality of it, is people have lives and pasts.

 

it's definitely an age-related thing, no doubt about that. as we grow up our views on sex, much like our views on anything else, become much more grounded.

 

I remember I had a conversation with an older colleague of mine back when this was really bothering me (wow I was really out of my head) and told him that I was having trouble with something about my girl's sexual past. He asked me if I had a good sex life. I said that it was great. He basically told me in so many words that he'd take knowing about 1000 guys that his wife had slept with if it meant that he'd get laid more than once a month. It was one of the funniest, yet most poignant things that anyone said to me on the subject.

[wittygirl09]

Yeah but one the flipside, I don't think more experience or more partners = higher sex drive or better in bed necessarily.

[AAlike]

Yeah but one the flipside, I don't think more experience or more partners = higher sex drive or better in bed necessarily.

 

oh I agree with that - I think that the point is if you have a good present time when it comes to sex, then why look a gift horse in the mouth by worrying about the past.

[BuJin]

Yeah but one the flipside, I don't think more experience or more partners = higher sex drive or better in bed necessarily.

 

True. It isn't an absolute thing, but chances are high, that the partner enjoys it! A relationship can have all the love, but if there isn't any sex or very little, the relationship will suffer greatly. Even the love will diminish.

[george35]

Does she have a history of being able to maintain a monogamous relationship?

Does she have a history of cheating?

Just liking sex is ok but I would be wondering why 17 by the time she was 20.

I would be more interested in the reason and her ability to remain in a relationship than the number.

[sweet&simple]

Am I the only one who sees this as not a big deal? So, she's been with a lot of guys.. big deal. Those people were in the past [and don't you DARE bash me for saying that] the past IS the past. Those guys? Yeah, they have NOTHING to do with you and her RELATIONSHIP with you. Holding something against her that doesn't affect you in really, any way, is a dick thing to do.

 

If you like who she is now, if you like everything else about her, if she's good to you and you trust her-- where's the problem?

 

I can understand being turned off by it, I probably would be a bit too, but to hold it against her, barely eat, etc.. just seems overdramatic and like it WILL destroy your relationship.

 

Also, who said it has anything to do with a "respect for yourself," type of thing.. that just seemed arrogant.. so you could turn down prostitutes, big deal.. she made a choice that was right for HER and HER BODY. You can't judge other peoples choices.. sure, they could have been bad ones they regret, but that's something for THEM to deal with, not you.