GFs past bothers me

[AAlike]

Am I the only one who sees this as not a big deal? So, she's been with a lot of guys.. big deal. Those people were in the past [and don't you DARE bash me for saying that] the past IS the past. Those guys? Yeah, they have NOTHING to do with you and her RELATIONSHIP with you. Holding something against her that doesn't affect you in really, any way, is a dick thing to do.

 

If you like who she is now, if you like everything else about her, if she's good to you and you trust her-- where's the problem?

 

I can understand being turned off by it, I probably would be a bit too, but to hold it against her, barely eat, etc.. just seems overdramatic and like it WILL destroy your relationship.

 

Also, who said it has anything to do with a "respect for yourself," type of thing.. that just seemed arrogant.. so you could turn down prostitutes, big deal.. she made a choice that was right for HER and HER BODY. You can't judge other peoples choices.. sure, they could have been bad ones they regret, but that's something for THEM to deal with, not you.

 

Basically there are two schools of thought on this issue.

 

There is the "past is the past" method of thinking, as evidenced by this post and plenty of others.

 

There is also the "past as an indicator of the future" method of thinking.

 

I think that there is some validity to both schools of thought - and both are probably true to some extent, and it's up to the beholder to decide what really is true. Ideally I think that completely ignoring the past is probably incredibly naive, and thinking that people never change and are just one rough patch away from whoring at the bar because they did it once ten years ago is stubborn and slightly ridiculous. again, as you evolve with a person, I think that their past eventually explains itself, and you don't make this distinction any longer.

 

However, neither side really has anything to do with retroactive jealousy and its origins. Until you've had this problem, it's really hard to speak on it. What I don't think that people understand is that the issue is not "should I judge her on her past or not?" if that were the issue, it would be easy to decide one way or the other. I'll say it again - this is NOT a logic-based problem.

 

That's what makes RJ so difficult to harness and overcome - your head and your heart can process someone's past in completely different ways. OP is in that danger zone where I'm sure he's telling himself every which way that it doesn't matter, where he's looking at his own sexual past and understanding how insignificant it is, and I'm sure he really has no concerns about her cheating...so logically he's fine with it. but your heart doesn't look at things logically. your heart has placed this woman squarely in the "my sweet little angel" territory, and hearing about her past has severely jolted that. and no amount of rationalizing is going to change that...that's what's so frustrating about it. you try and approach it from every logical perspective but it doesn't help...and it freaks you out because it's like "why can't I just either get over it or move on" - you think that you're completely losing your sh*t. so you grasp at straws for an answer that's really not there. your brain already KNOWS the answer.

 

the problem is that the only thing that curbs retro jealousy is time. i know that it sucks to hear, OP, but that's really all that will fix this.

[under_score]

AAlike ... I wish what you say is true because I've been dealing with my partner's past for a year now. A full year. I have posted in another thread before but you indicated it is the present I have issues with. I don't doubt that but before it reared it's head in the present, it was because of my issues with her past. Before that, everything was fine. I think my judgement and my discomfort with it brought things up for her and made her feel like she had something to be ashamed of and isn't it possible that because she loves me, it becomes present because of ME! Because I can't let it go? I'd say having been struggling with it for a year, even after therapy (which I can't afford to keep going to) ... time hasn't really done anything for me. It's made it better and worse in turns and rght now it's taken a turn for the worse again after her bout of depression - but two years we've been together. I can't think of what else to do, but I can't break up with her even though I know that if I were stronger that's what I should do so that she can find someone who completely accepts her? Am I meant to be miserable my whole life? Am I selfish? I can't stop beating myself up over this.

[george35]

Did she have an issue with this before you did?

How is she handling this now?

 

I do think that making this her problem is selfish. I totally sympathize with you but I don’t think making her feel like crap about it is the way to go.

 

Have you tried taking her off the pedestal you have put her on and excepting her as a human being and as an equal?

My SO was no angel and I experienced a little RJ when we first got together but after I started looking at her as a partner, an equal that all pretty much ended the RJ for me and strengthened our relationship. Some people change, some never do. As long as someone’s history IS their history they deserve a clean slate, I know that’s easier said. I also think that breaking up with her over this is selfish, it won’t solve your issue, it will just make you “one more” and her feel like crap. I also think that if you make her feel like crap long enough the choice of breaking up may not be yours. I know this all sounds pretty harsh and I’m really not bashing you, I know this is a terrible thing you’re going through. I’m glad to hear you saw someone about this and my view of counselors is this; they’re like any other service provider, weather that’s a doctor, a dentist or the person who cuts your hair or fixes your car. If they aren’t helping you find another one before you invest too much time and money. A year is a long time. The good news is; if she wasn’t worth it you wouldn’t feel this way.

[under_score]

Thanks for the post and I do realise you're not bashing me. Anyway, I just want to clarify that I have not been treating her like crap. After I brought it up a couple of times in the two years, we haven't really spoken about it anymore. It must have manifested itself in other ways in the relationship. I.e. I get really depressed or she gets really depressed. We both take it in turns. But we've never explicitly SAID this is what it's about. I think her depression stemmed from me being upset and asking questions those couple of times. She sees that I'm trying and I was feeling better until she got depressed. Then it all became present for me again. I know breaking up with her would be a wuss thing to do and I don't think I can anyway because as you said, it must be because I care about her so much. Yes I have stopped putting her on a pedestal but maybe because of the vast difference in our experiences and behaviours it's just incomprehensible to me. I haven't been treating her like crap - I may be withdrawn now and again (more so of late since this RJ started again) but I'm generally a quiet person. She's had a difficult life and may have used sex to cope and gain control - but that's just my own reasoning. I don't even know why I need to have a reason for her risky and rampant behaviour. She's not like that with me - she's changed a lot since she met me because I've seen her when she's drunk (and I was able to glimpse what she may have been like) and now she's sober because she said she wants to be a better person for me and really she adores the ground I walk on (figuratively) so I know she really loves me.

 

I will go seek another therapist in due course once I find a better one and have more cash. In the meantime, I am highly anxious, highly distressed (good thing she and I are apart for a month - on holidays) but she doesn't know about this. I just feel like I can't go on somedays especially since it's been a year since I've started coping with this. It's very difficult and I can tell you that of late there hasn't been a day that has gone by where I haven't been on the brink of giving up because of my own head. It's good to hear this from people in the forum, to remind me to stay strong and try and overcome it - just can't see the end at the moment.

[george35]

Have you started feeling this way more so as you’re pending holidays drew closer? If so that might be a trigger. I’m glad to hear you’ve made it mostly your issue. It seems to me that there may be only a couple of good reasons people have what might seem to some as… their share of sexual partners in a short period of time. The most obvious one is; they just like sex. But I would tend to think if she’s been with you exclusively for a couple of years the reason, I would think, is more complicated than that. I know a young lady who at the ripe old age of 15 said her first real bf broke her heart. She thought it was her fault because she wouldn’t have sex with him. So she made sure she didn’t make the same mistake with the next guy she fell for. Unfortunately that didn’t last or the next or the next. By the time she was barely 17 she said she had a reputation and found that most guys would only date her for sex and other than that would have nothing to do with her because of her reputation. Weather that was true or not, and I suspect it was, that is how she felt about herself and I wonder how common her story is. This lady had a poor home life too when she was young. Dad and mom where together but her father mistreated her mom she said. So she never realized how a guy was supposed to treat a lady. I’m happy to say she met this really great guy and we’ve been happy together for more than five years now. Hang in there.

[AAlike]

AAlike ... I wish what you say is true because I've been dealing with my partner's past for a year now. A full year. I have posted in another thread before but you indicated it is the present I have issues with. I don't doubt that but before it reared it's head in the present, it was because of my issues with her past. Before that, everything was fine. I think my judgement and my discomfort with it brought things up for her and made her feel like she had something to be ashamed of and isn't it possible that because she loves me, it becomes present because of ME! Because I can't let it go? I'd say having been struggling with it for a year, even after therapy (which I can't afford to keep going to) ... time hasn't really done anything for me. It's made it better and worse in turns and rght now it's taken a turn for the worse again after her bout of depression - but two years we've been together. I can't think of what else to do, but I can't break up with her even though I know that if I were stronger that's what I should do so that she can find someone who completely accepts her? Am I meant to be miserable my whole life? Am I selfish? I can't stop beating myself up over this.

 

actually, I think that it is earlier in this thread, but yeah, I did say that your problems seem to be in the present.

 

now that you describe it more - it's kind of a paradox...it definitely seems like she has not 100% gotten over her own past - but the problem is that what she probably needs in order to get over it is some closeness and acceptance from you that you can't fully give until YOU get over it. that does make it exponentially tougher - she needs you to accept her and you need her to accept herself, something's gotta give, and that stand-off is probably why you're both silent about it but it's a tangible rift that you both feel. so you've got a long uphill climb. I'm curious, does she know that you're in therapy?

 

you say that you are no longer putting her on a pedestal, but then you go on to say that her past actions are "incomprehensible" to you and that you can't reconcile them with the person that you love. Guess what, that's EXACTLY what putting them on a pedestal is, and it shows that you have NOT accepted HER as a person, you've only accepted YOUR ideal of her, the ideal that "would never do those things." Unfortunately, that's not her. And that's what's making you search for a reason behind her actions that's not even there, and if she gave it to you, wouldn't be good enough anyway. most casual sexual experiences aren't well-planned and researched, so to ask someone for this huge justification of those experiences is pointless and not really practical and will only frustrate you further...it'd be like asking them to write a dissertation on why they decided to have those ten drinks at the party when they were 18 years old and ended up throwing up and making a fool of themselves (not that I'm comparing sex to drinking, only the finite nature of the seemingly bad decision).

 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but honestly, a year may seem like forever, but it really ISN'T that long when you're dealing with an emotional issue. You want to be able to address it like a logical issue, or like a "difficult decision" where you may agonize over it for a while but once you've made the decision then it's behind you...that's not going to happen. In fact, it's probably NEVER going to totally "go away" - that it's kind of a by-product of being in love. your heart is going to process this issue like it would the loss of a loved one or something...it'll always be there, but eventually you cope and come to accept.

 

Do you think that you've made ANY progress in this year, or are you worse now than when you first found out?

[manugeorge]

The past is the past and should stay there. Anything that happened before you met is none of your business frankly (barring the obvious health and criminal type issues).

 

Grow a pair and get over it already.

 

I disagree, the past is NOT the past. The past contributed either negatively or positively to the person you are today. People don't wake up each day and become different people. What you did yesterday is not automatically void because it happened yesterday.

 

Many times, people use the knowledge about a person's past to shape their perception of them in the present. This is why GPA, credit files and resumes exist. It's the chronological history of your life.

[sweet&simple]

I disagree, the past is NOT the past. The past contributed either negatively or positively to the person you are today. People don't wake up each day and become different people. What you did yesterday is not automatically void because it happened yesterday.

 

Many times, people use the knowledge about a person's past to shape their perception of them in the present. This is why GPA, credit files and resumes exist. It's the chronological history of your life.

 

I don't think the saying "the past is in the past," necessarily means that everything in the past should be null and void.. but it doesn't necessarily have a play in what's happening in the future. Her being with a large number of guys has nothing to do with the fact that she's in a monogamous relationship now. To use that against her seems silly.

[Siphon9a]

I don't think the saying "the past is in the past," necessarily means that everything in the past should be null and void.. but it doesn't necessarily have a play in what's happening in the future. Her being with a large number of guys has nothing to do with the fact that she's in a monogamous relationship now. To use that against her seems silly.

 

If you look at it in that light anything that a person chooses to do might not necessarily come into play regardless of what it is. A rapist might find someone who can accept the things that they did. A former prostitute could find love. Someone might accept that there partner murdered someone in the past. Therefore, it doesn't come into play. The problem is when a people of different values or different life decisions meet, there's usually a problem. It may be small at first but over the course it grows to sometimes become a dividing line between them. Trouble is nothing can change it, one person can't accept it, so you either learn to deal or move on. In the end it comes down to learning how to screen your own values as far as what your looking for in a person a little better so these kinds of issues don't happen. Then the relationship can focus on the real needs of the current circumstances rather than trudging through all of the percieved problems of a person as a whole and the baggage they carry with them.

[AAlike]

If you look at it in that light anything that a person chooses to do might not necessarily come into play regardless of what it is. A rapist might find someone who can accept the things that they did. A former prostitute could find love. Someone might accept that there partner murdered someone in the past. Therefore, it doesn't come into play. The problem is when a people of different values or different life decisions meet, there's usually a problem. It may be small at first but over the course it grows to sometimes become a dividing line between them. Trouble is nothing can change it, one person can't accept it, so you either learn to deal or move on. In the end it comes down to learning how to screen your own values as far as what your looking for in a person a little better so these kinds of issues don't happen. Then the relationship can focus on the real needs of the current circumstances rather than trudging through all of the percieved problems of a person as a whole and the baggage they carry with them.

 

Siphon shall I take this to mean that you broke up with your girl?

[manugeorge]

I don't think the saying "the past is in the past," necessarily means that everything in the past should be null and void.. but it doesn't necessarily have a play in what's happening in the future. Her being with a large number of guys has nothing to do with the fact that she's in a monogamous relationship now. To use that against her seems silly.

 

I think using it against her in the way he is using it, i.e., retroactive jealousy is silly but that doesn't mean that you can't use someone's past sexual escapades against them constructively.

 

People like their value system to align with their SOs. I think what's more important than just asking "how many people have you been with" is indepth questions about how a person's views their past sexual behavior and how it has come to shape their present behavior. That is why the past is important and that is how you constructively use a person's past against them.

 

Her having a high number of sexual partners could be the result of many factors. She may be a reformed slut, she may have been abused or she may just have a relaxed attitude towards sex in general. I personally would need to know which box my SO falls into so I can know that we share the same ideals in regards to sexual intimacy because it is important to me to date someone who shares my values.

[sweet&simple]

If you look at it in that light anything that a person chooses to do might not necessarily come into play regardless of what it is. A rapist might find someone who can accept the things that they did. A former prostitute could find love. Someone might accept that there partner murdered someone in the past. Therefore, it doesn't come into play. The problem is when a people of different values or different life decisions meet, there's usually a problem. It may be small at first but over the course it grows to sometimes become a dividing line between them. Trouble is nothing can change it, one person can't accept it, so you either learn to deal or move on. In the end it comes down to learning how to screen your own values as far as what your looking for in a person a little better so these kinds of issues don't happen. Then the relationship can focus on the real needs of the current circumstances rather than trudging through all of the percieved problems of a person as a whole and the baggage they carry with them.

 

I know it's all a mental thing for people and it's hard to look past.. but unless these guys are in her life now, I think the OP should just let it go. People do grow up and learn.. she's young, and it sounds like that's what she's doing.

[sweet&simple]

I think using it against her in the way he is using it, i.e., retroactive jealousy is silly but that doesn't mean that you can't use someone's past sexual escapades against them constructively.

 

People like their value system to align with their SOs. I think what's more important than just asking "how many people have you been with" is indepth questions about how a person's views their past sexual behavior and how it has come to shape their present behavior. That is why the past is important and that is how you constructively use a person's past against them.

 

Her having a high number of sexual partners could be the result of many factors. She may be a reformed slut, she may have been abused or she may just have a relaxed attitude towards sex in general. I personally would need to know which box my SO falls into so I can know that we share the same ideals in regards to sexual intimacy because it is important to me to date someone who shares my values.

 

Oh I definitely understand all of that, and I'm not trying to downplay any of that.. but.. once you know your SOs past, you look at where you are in the present. If the person I was with hooked up with numerous people in the past but was now in a committed relationship with me, what would be the point of holding that against them? I think it's important to know, sure, but it shouldn't cause a break up.

[Siphon9a]

Siphon shall I take this to mean that you broke up with your girl?

 

 

AAlike, actually my man I'm still in it. It had been good for awhile but just like you said when something happens that triggers it, it all comes back to you. I hate it, she doesn't get it and like the other posters here that say, just get over it, they are usually the ones that did these sorts of things. When you don't do them and you know several of the "ones" your SO has been with, it kinda stings when it comes back. I'm beginning to think we just have way different views on this as well as other things. I mean it does take awhile to see the real person come out in someone and my dumbass always rushes into things. I don't even know what I'm going to do at this point. We will just see what happens but I do know how my views are at this point in regards to these kinds of things and can see where in some instances, maybe mine, due to choices people make, they can be incompatable based on them. As I've heard so many say, the past makes you who you are, well it also takes time to see how the past has molded a person and sometimes it's for the good and sometimes not.

[AAlike]

I disagree, the past is NOT the past. The past contributed either negatively or positively to the person you are today. People don't wake up each day and become different people. What you did yesterday is not automatically void because it happened yesterday.

 

Many times, people use the knowledge about a person's past to shape their perception of them in the present. This is why GPA, credit files and resumes exist. It's the chronological history of your life.

 

You're both right - to completely ignore the past is somewhat naive...however, the analogies of GPA, credit, etc are not very accurate because those things are judged on a cumulative, objective and logical scale. people focus on the bad and the good, and people are given a chance to rebuild their credit score and fix their GPA. that never seems to happen with someone's romantic history. You can be the most fantastic, caring, giving girlfriend/boyfriend possible, but you let it out that one night you were drunk and horny years ago in college and made a mistake and "gave in" to the hormones that we all have, all of a sudden it's all aboard the RJ express and you're branded as this horrible person. it'd be like the bank foreclosing on your house because you forgot to pay on your Old Navy card one month in college or something. and that is because our emotions process things differently than our brains...and it's created this weird culture in which we give more thought to our SO's sexual past than our own!

 

bottom line is this. our hormones are in full force well before the ages in which we are prepared for a relationship. so therefore, your girl or man has probably done something that could be considered an indiscretion - whether it's a drunken one-nighter, a threesome, a same sex experience, something ultra kinky with an ex, or had a fairly promiscuous period following a long relationship (a very common one I might add, especially if it was their first long relationship). chances are that they are completely over that single indiscretion or period of indiscretion, but yet you hearing about it could cause you to emotionally project and change the perfect perception that you have of her...even though you probably have your own indiscretions.

 

Therefore, unless you need to know that your partner does NOT have any of these indiscretions, as a few people on here have conveyed, and that's totally fine, then what the heck is the point of wanting the details? There's a big difference between knowing that your partner has made a mistake or two versus knowing exactly how many people that person has been with, the circumstances, what was done, whether it was good, etc. etc...I mean, let's put it this way. I'm 31 now and lost my virginity at 15. I'd venture to say that out of all of the people that I slept with from 15 through college, most of which weren't even ONS's (i wouldn't say LTR's either though - just casual dating I guess), I probably wouldn't even RECOGNIZE the majority of them (not that there's that many - maybe 8-10 or so over 6 years). so to act like whatever happened with these girls has any bearing on me right now would be kind of absurd. I mean, am I going to wake up a virgin tomorrow? no - but to say that I'd sleep with them all again in the same manner right now is asinine.

 

I'm getting off track now, but as someone that has had some previous problems with RJ, all that I can think of about the whole situation was "why in god's name did we talk about that?" but despite my approaching middle age, I had never yet really been in love and had no idea the kind of havoc that hearing those details could wreak on someone. it can result in you creating an ENTIRE perception of a person based on a relatively small time period in their life - i.e. foreclosing due to the old navy payment.

 

now, it is true that some might say "but what if that behavior is indicative of a bigger problem or trend" - and that's true, and that is a risk that you harbor...but in my opinion those things are going to come out as you get to know a person and you don't need to hear about their past in order for them to do so.

[manugeorge]

Oh I definitely understand all of that, and I'm not trying to downplay any of that.. but.. once you know your SOs past, you look at where you are in the present. If the person I was with hooked up with numerous people in the past but was now in a committed relationship with me, what would be the point of holding that against them? I think it's important to know, sure, but it shouldn't cause a break up.

 

Well it does hold enough merit to cause a break up if your values don't match. Take forexample, you're sexually conservative, that is, sex to you is something you only do with someone you are in love with. You view sex as this emotional connection with someone you really care about where your hearts and your souls kind of join together in all that romatic mushy way:D which is why you have a low number of sexual partners or perhaps, none at all. Sex to you, is not something you do with any 'ol Tom Dick and Harry just because it feels good.

Let's say you are currently dating someone who is a little more open-minded and lax about sex. Sure he is committed to you now but he's been with lots of women in his past, and to him, sex is just sex, it has little to do with love. It's something people do just because it feels good and it shouldn't be held in such high esteem. He doesn't regret his sexual past in any way and if he could it over, or if he wasn't dating you, he'd still be getting laid left and right with whomever tickles his fancy. This is a guy who doesn't understand why people say "making love" instead of just saying "f...k".

You do know that this incompatibility can cause problems for your relationship right?

You view sex as a way of connecting with him on a deeper emotional level and he views sex as just busting a nut. You view him as someone very special, perhaps, the "one" whom you are sharing your innermost self with and he views you just as a loving girlfriend whom he really digs.

 

I'm not saying either party is right, people believe what they believe but being able to decipher someone's attitude towards issues like this is important.

 

 

It's really no different from having different values regarding money, religious, politics, etc. It's just something else to add to the incompatiblity basket.

[AAlike]

I think using it against her in the way he is using it, i.e., retroactive jealousy is silly but that doesn't mean that you can't use someone's past sexual escapades against them constructively.

 

 

ok, I see what you're getting at here.

 

however, that's tougher to do than I think that people realize! If you are truly capable of hearing details about your SO's past escapades in order to make a logical assesment of them and don't think that you'll get a little bit emotionally whacko then you are a much more grounded individual than I! and I'm somebody that before meeting this girl was extremely in control of my emotions...I mean, I never let them show, I'm talking zero, zilch.

 

therefore, although I agree that a different value system could be problematic, I would suggest that you only ask what you NEED to know in order to establish whatever value system it is. otherwise, you're playing with fire.

[manugeorge]

AAlike, I said it before, asking about numbers, locations, positions, facial expressions, etc of a person's sexual past is silly and that is what drives Retroactive Jealousy. I don't condone RJ in any way. Frankly, to me, it's childish and a result of personal insecurity than anything else.

 

I do care about my SO's past, I think it's important to know where he's been, what he's done, what made him who he is today, and more importantly, his judgment and feelings towards past actions of his.

 

For example, say I was dating someone who has paid for sex with a prostitute in his past. Well, I would want to know that he did it and in what context it happened? was he lonely? desperate? what drove him to it? MORE IMPORTANTLY, does he regret it? does he think it's a big deal? Is it something he sees himself doing again if he becomes single? His answers to my questions is what will help me decipher what his values are towards sex and how they align with mine.

 

What I WILL NOT ask him is was she pretty? did she have big boobs? how tall was she? how many times did they do it? These questions are usually what RJ cases ask and I think it's the wrong questions to ask. These questions are not what will help you figure out what kind of person you are dating or their moral threshold. Which is what you should ideally be seeking to know.

 

I totally agree that hearing mundane details will drive anyone wacko which is why I never understand why people share those details. Like you, I am relatively emotionally secure but as a human being, certain details can sting even when you don't mean for them to. My boyfriend once told me that he has indeed gotten a mind blowing orgasm from a BJ before me (He doesn't normally orgasm from BJs). As emotionally stable as I am, you best believe, this kind of raised my eyebrows a bit, and I promptly told him to please spare me the details. Things like that, you just don't need to know. Even when he's playfully asked me what is the largest sized penis I've ever seen in person. I just said his. We both know it is a lie but I'm not foolish enough to say someone else's. Why even open up that can of worms?

[AAlike]

Well it does hold enough merit to cause a break up if your values don't match. Take forexample, you're sexually conservative, that is, sex to you is something you only do with someone you are in love with. You view sex as this emotional connection with someone you really care about where your hearts and your souls kind of join together in all that romatic mushy way:D which is why you have a low number of sexual partners or perhaps, none at all. Sex to you, is not something you do with any 'ol Tom Dick and Harry just because it feels good.

Let's say you are currently dating someone who is a little more open-minded and lax about sex. Sure he is committed to you now but he's been with lots of women in his past, and to him, sex is just sex, it has little to do with love. It's something people do just because it feels good and it shouldn't be held in such high esteem. He doesn't regret his sexual past in any way and if he could it over, or if he wasn't dating you, he'd still be getting laid left and right with whomever tickles his fancy. This is a guy who doesn't understand why people say "making love" instead of just saying "f...k".

You do know that this incompatibility can cause problems for your relationship right?

You view sex as a way of connecting with him on a deeper emotional level and he views sex as just busting a nut. You view him as someone very special, perhaps, the "one" whom you are sharing your innermost self with and he views you just as a loving girlfriend whom he really digs.

 

hmmm - while I agree that ideally someone that won't have sex out of wedlock and someone who regularly attends orgies won't work out (an incompatability that I think will illustrate itself without any discussion about pasts, by the way), I've seen people talk about this "black and white" one-way-or-the-other view of sex in other threads, and honestly SISTA, I think that it's a total fallacy. the view that sex is fun and sex is emotional are NOT mutually exclusive things.

 

in fact, I'd be inclined to say that as we age and mature emotionally, that most peoples' viewpoints gravitate to a point that is essentially in the middle of these two extremes, and that's why generally as people get older, they care less about someone's sexual dossier, as it were. The people that had a lot of elicit or random sex when they were younger start to realize that it can be more powerful and enjoyable when it's a more give-and-take, loving experience, and the people that did not realize that it's not always this hyper-romantic experience and that sometimes it's just something that you do methodically on a Sunday morning when you're half awake. there are certainly exceptions - your swingers, your religious types, what-have-you...but those types generally find each other, no?

[norajane]

Let's say you are currently dating someone who is a little more open-minded and lax about sex. Sure he is committed to you now but he's been with lots of women in his past, and to him, sex is just sex, it has little to do with love. It's something people do just because it feels good and it shouldn't be held in such high esteem. He doesn't regret his sexual past in any way and if he could it over, or if he wasn't dating you, he'd still be getting laid left and right with whomever tickles his fancy. This is a guy who doesn't understand why people say "making love" instead of just saying "f...k".

You do know that this incompatibility can cause problems for your relationship right?

You view sex as a way of connecting with him on a deeper emotional level and he views sex as just busting a nut. You view him as someone very special, perhaps, the "one" whom you are sharing your innermost self with and he views you just as a loving girlfriend whom he really digs.

 

It's very, very easy to know that you two view sex differently without digging into the gory details of their past. Because if those are his/her views, they are obvious in the PRESENT in the way they interact with you, especially DURING sex. Very easy.

[AAlike]

AAlike, I said it before, asking about numbers, locations, positions, facial expressions, etc of a person's sexual past is silly and that is what drives Retroactive Jealousy. I don't condone RJ in any way. Frankly, to me, it's childish and a result of personal insecurity than anything else.

 

I do care about my SO's past, I think it's important to know where he's been, what he's done, what made him who he is today, and more importantly, his judgment and feelings towards past actions of his.

 

For example, say I was dating someone who has paid for sex with a prostitute in his past. Well, I would want to know that he did it and in what context it happened? was he lonely? desperate? what drove him to it? MORE IMPORTANTLY, does he regret it? does he think it's a big deal? Is it something he sees himself doing again if he becomes single? His answers to my questions is what will help me decipher what his values are towards sex and how they align with mine.

 

What I WILL NOT ask him is was she pretty? did she have big boobs? how tall was she? how many times did they do it? These questions are usually what RJ cases ask and I think it's the wrong questions to ask. These questions are not what will help you figure out what kind of person you are dating or their moral threshold. Which is what you should ideally be seeking to know.

 

I totally agree that hearing mundane details will drive anyone wacko which is why I never understand why people share those details. Like you, I am relatively emotionally secure but as a human being, certain details can sting even when you don't mean for them to. My boyfriend once told me that he has indeed gotten a mind blowing orgasm from a BJ before me (He doesn't normally orgasm from BJs). As emotionally stable as I am, you best believe, this kind of raised my eyebrows a bit, and I promptly told him to please spare me the details. Things like that, you just don't need to know. Even when he's playfully asked me what is the largest sized penis I've ever seen in person. I just said his. We both know it is a lie but I'm not foolish enough to say someone else's. Why even open up that can of worms?

 

ah you're a woman...so you are therefore sane (about this stuff, anyway) and your opinion should not matter in such a forum! lol...

 

maybe you are just a wiser or more objective person than me, but I can't imagine hearing something like "I slept with a prostitute" and just being like "ah ha, very interesting, now what did you learn from this?" if you can, however, then I suppose some background checking would be A-OK.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that, for me, anyway, I now know that the risk of opening said emotional can of worms by delving into a prospective lover's background far outweighs whatever insight into their values that I would gain from doing it...and I feel like I can get that same insight by assessing their present actions.

[AAlike]

It's very, very easy to know that you two view sex differently without digging into the gory details of their past. Because if those are his/her views, they are obvious in the PRESENT in the way they interact with you, especially DURING sex. Very easy.

 

yeah, what she said.

[CandyGirlXO]

I am just doing a few calculations here. If your GF is 20, and she was with her EX for 3 years, that means she started dating him when she was around 17?

 

That means she has been with you said 17 people before she was 17???? Are you serious? That seems extreme only because you said she was in a 3 year relationship. It would be a lot more acceptable if she was single this whole time.

 

I am 25, and have been with 7 people, and my low # is because I have mostly always been in a long term relationship with multiple people. How does someone sleep with 17 people before they are 20, and also have a 3 year relationship??

 

It doesn't really add up to me.

[manugeorge]

I guess what I'm saying is that, for me, anyway, I now know that the risk of opening said emotional can of worms by delving into a prospective lover's background far outweighs whatever insight into their values that I would gain from doing it...and I feel like I can get that same insight by assessing their present actions.

 

 

Perhaps people can gain some insight but I doubt if you'd gain the same insight. I've never been able to do that without knowing what happened in my SO's past. I ask about his family, high school, college years, first job, first girlfriend, last relationship, past travels, adventures, and yes sex, i.e., his COLLECTIVE AND CUMMULATIVE history. Who exactly am I dating? How can get any close to accurately deciphering that based only on what he's done in the 6 months I've known him?

 

I think people often get caught up in the sexual history which leads them to ask the wrong questions and dig for the wrong information. For example, they ask, well, how many people have you been with? She says 20 and he asks, who, when, how, where, how big? how long did it last? where did he poke you? did you go down on him? blah blah blah. How these are relevant, I don't know.

 

What's worse is when they find out this information, they get stuck on the number and the gory details instead of using it to gain some insight on her value system.

[under_score]

I apologise if this is long but I'm having an awful day:

 

AAlike: I feel like I have made progress but it only lasted about a month after having been to therapy and hypnotherapy and reading books (I've really tried). A month after I was feeling better, my partner crashed into deep depression. I spent about two months looking after her when all she would do is cry and talk about how she felt like dying. It was very emotionally draining for me and all that darkness overwhelmed me. I had no time to think about that during the two months I was just busy making sure she didn't take the wrong meds, that she went to see a therapist and that she didn't kill herself. In a strange way, the depression made me think that I understood now why she did all those things. Her past abuse as a child and her assault when she was 13 still seemed to feature even though she had told me time and again that it doesn't affect her anymore, it obviously did. She also has abandonment issues, her mum wasn't supportive after the assault because she didn't know how to deal with it - told her that if she didn't report it to the police it didn't happen (even though I know her mother and they have an alright relationship now). She had sex soon after her assault (from what I pieced together in my head) - she said a boy tried to have sex with her when she was 13 but she slapped him. However after the assault which happened soon after I believe, she went and slept with someone. Not sure what the details are, just things I've added up - she's also mentioned that she used to have issues with sex but she doesn't anymore. Considering that she's slept with over 40 people, she doesn't really know - I guess she doesn't. She's stopped seeing her therapist because she "feels better" - mainly hypno she went for and was diagnosed with anxiety. When the therapist tried to have a "talking" session with her she came home all wound up saying she doesn't see why she has to dig up things that have already hurt her and live through them again. She's stopped now to my utmost disappointment because she "feels ok" and is "happy".

 

When I first broached the subject with her, she told me "so? I like sex" which is fine but which made me think that her values clashed with mine because I would never be comfortable seeking sex out the way she did. She used to go to bars by herself just to pick up. She's a very attractive girl and that's no problem for her. Once I asked her why she'd do that, and she said "why not?" like it didn't phase her. That upset me. Nowadays though she'd say things like "what? go to a bar by myself? that's so pathetic". I'm like ...

I don't know what to think. It's like trying to reconcile two people which is making my life so hard. Which is really her?

 

Her flippant attitude on sex, her numerous one night stands, and casual booty calls, threesomes MMF and FFM make me sick in the stomach. We're in a lesbian relationship so her having been with so many men before really bothers me. When she spoke of her FFM threesome she told me, there was alcohol and it was a full moon, she knew what they were up to and she thought "what the hell" and it was "hot". I really don't know why she would have to tell me things like that. And what confuses me is why she keeps sleeping with me if she doesn't like them or feel comfortable with them. She says during the actual act of sex itself with them she needs to go someplace else in her head, but everything else is ok. But then she says she doesn't like male bits - but considering she's been with so many men it makes me wonder what's wrong with her??! Is she THAT insecure? Does she like the rest of SEX so much the important bits don't matter?? Why did she have to lie to me about people she's slept with, one minute she says he's a friend, the next she says "he's stalking her ... and she must have been really good in bed". I mean all these things happened over a year ago when we had these fights and me finding out all these things so yes I've been trying to deal with them. She now understands that it hurts me and to her credit she doesn't keep in touch with any of her old hookups unless they come e-mailing her, which is just this one guy anyway.

 

In the bedroom with me, we've been having a little trouble of late - she told me before she used to like it a bit rough, be strangled a little that sort of a thing. Very extreme. I'm not like that, I can't hurt someone - I can be passionate but not that. And the thought that she liked that with other people makes me sick and maybe I feel like I can't please her and that we're sexually not compatible. After her depression, I tried to be rough with her but she actually told me that I was being TOO rough, that I kissed her too roughly (I'm usually gentle) and she didn't think it was right. I don't know what to do anymore. It really affected me and all these thoughts make me sick.

 

I can't stop thinking about it - she seems so content with me now. So settled. So domestic. All she talks about are domestic things and how she wants to be with me ... that she's never let anyone in as much as she's let me in. She tells me she loves me - Yet I still feel insecure, and to be honest - as much as I don't want to think this - grossed out. The horrible thing is, I know she's had a tough life and you know if it were rational and all that and I don't want to be judgemental but it's really interfering with my psyche and I can't be happy day to day but I don't know how to leave her because I love her and I've loved her for two years and she loves me. It'll just be tragic. But she can't confront conflict and I can't bring this up - she won't go to couple's therapy with me because she doesn't believe we have communication problems. She thinks everything is fine, she thinks I'm depressed and she thinks I have irrational jealousy. Fine.

 

As to the question whether she knows I went for therapy. Yes she does. But she doesn't know what it was fully about and the thing is she doesn't ask. She just accepts me totally for all that I am and if I don't want to tell her anything she doesn't pry. In fact I think she'd rather me not tell her so she doesn't have to deal with it - that's how she dealt with things all her life (by not dealing with it by just leaving - intimacy issues?) which has made me bottle this up more and more. Like I said, it has gotten better, but the depression, our miscommunication and everything has just taken it's toll on me. She's not here now, I won't see her for three weeks, everyday I wake up with tears in my eyes thinking I can't do this anymore. I feel alone because I can't even talk to her about it at the risk of her falling into a depression, yelling at me and accusing me of being judgemental. She fluctuates between "I've made mistakes, I was lonely" to "why do you always have to ruin everything just when we're going so well!???". Especially since it's already been two years! So now everything's "Going so well" according to her and I can't ruin it.

 

I don't know what to do I feel like I'm going mental and barely keeping it together.