His work schedule is so tough - any suggestions?

[Hilicopter]

I'm engaged (about a month), and I'm panicking. We've been together 2 years, lived together a year. He's a good guy, funny, generous and absolutely dependable. But I've struggled in this relationship, big time.

 

- he works in the theatre, which means that he travels regularly and unpredictably, and even when he works locally, he works late into the night. I work fairly predictable, 9-5 type hours.

 

- for this reason, something about the relationship seems irregular, or somehow out of sync. I feel as if I'm continually grabbing hours or the odd evening with him. He doesn't feel this way - he misses me when he's away, but clearly he doesn't think its too difficult a situation or he wouldn't keep doing his job! On the other hand I don't feel as if I can ever relax in the knowledge that I'll be coming home to him regularly. I have a major problem with anxiety, and his work pattern is not helping.

 

- he is self-employed in a competitive industry. He is very successful, and I'm very proud of him. He works unbelievably hard, and yet never seems to be ahead financially. The lifestyle seems to be almost entirely hand to mouth; he has no savings, credit card debt and no pension and yet often seems to have cash in hand or the ability to buy dinner or little treats. I'm far from perfect with money but I have a little savings account and I'm in a regular job with a pension. We've not discussed money or financial planning, and that concerns me. In fact the whole money situation stresses me out a lot. His job is much more exciting than mine - but the irregularity is cause for concern.

 

- he is enormously stressed about his job, and about money. When he gets stressed, he gets moody. When he gets moody, I get anxious. And then, often, depressed. It's not a good cycle.

 

- I recognise that I have a major issue with his work life. I justify it to myself; I want him to be happy in a job he loves; but I absolutely hate coming home to an empty flat every night. I crave regularity and the enjoyment of eating dinner with the same person every night. I hate myself for this. Why can't I just get my head around this situation?

 

- but he absolutely adores me, is utterly reliable, trustworthy and an all round good guy.

 

I am torn down the middle with this. I am extremely anxious and fretting about what to do. Since our engagement I have had trouble sleeping. Any insights would be very gratefully received.

[Stung]

i am pregnant, i work from home, and my partner is a higher-up in a burgeoning young company; he sometimes works ridiculously long hours, weekends, calls in the middle of the night, online at three a.m., the whole shebang. for the first four months of my pregnancy i barely saw him except for dinner on the days his daughter was here and then he was right back on his laptop as soon as she was put to bed...that had me feeling incredibly insecure and depressed (surging hormones weren't helping). that being said, it's partly my fault he's where he is, because he was bored and unhappy at his last, comfier, more traditionally-structured environment, and i actively encouraged his moving on. i did let it get to me for a while but we talked about it, about how much harder the reality of his new schedule was for both of us than we'd anticipated, and we're a lot more comfortably reconciled to it now.

 

partly i feel like we've settled into it...it was the transition that was hardest. partly it's because i've come to understand that it's cyclical, deadline-driven, and it isn't always like that; when he's not on deadline, he makes the effort to wring flexibility out of his schedule or take time off to be with me and make me feel loved and secure; he is totally devoted to his daughter and i when he can be with us, and i know he'll be devoted to his son as well. and partly because, while he gets stressed out sometimes and wonders if he's getting too old for his game, he really feels more challenged by and interested in his work than he has in years, and his overall higher level of satisfaction helps me feel good about it too, because i love him. for us, though, there is a probable end in sight, as we foresee his company being sold in five years or less.

 

i'm also lucky in that his sacrifices of time come with a healthy financial package. things might still get tight with a new baby in this economy, but we're going to be okay barring major disaster, even though i've chosen to give up my own income for a couple of years to be at home with our baby son and his school-aged daughter. so i worry about him having to miss chunks of his kids' lives, but i recognize that in our case there are financial recompenses. (btw, he actually makes less at this position than he did at his last, so money is NOT why i encouraged him to make the move.)

 

it sounds like, in your fiance's case, the sole compensation for him is loving his job. that might not contribute as much to your security, but don't overlook it's importance. you think he's moody now when he gets stressed, imagine what'd he be like if he were miserable with his work every day. and then imagine what it would be like to come home to that every day at five; or another man entirely, one who might be less loyal and honest, or not such a hard worker.

 

i can't tell you how to feel or what to decide either way. i don't know if there are ways you, personally, can get more comfortable with his schedule. i do think it sounds like it would be worth your continued effort to do so. if you and he find yourselves getting trapped into that stress/moodiness/anxiety cycle, consider counseling to learn better ways to process stress and communicate. if the money situation is really alarming, consider talking to him about ways BOTH of you (not just him) could earn more while still staying true to your chosen fields. think of this as a partnership, explore ways you can help each other. think outside the box, too...i have friends who make extra money with their hobbies through ebay or etsy, or who manage properties on the side for rent-free living, etc. once i get settled with the baby i plan to go back into my field on a part-time freelance basis, to at least keep my oar in, keep up-to-date, and make a little extra.

 

definitely talk about your finances and these work-schedule issues before you keep moving forward with wedding plans. money kills more marriages than you would ever want to believe, and so does lack of quality time. but please don't try to force the man to change his profession to prove his love: "- he misses me when he's away, but clearly he doesn't think its too difficult a situation or he wouldn't keep doing his job!" this sentence from your post was alarming. to expect him to ditch his own business, built from the ground up and, i'm guessing, borne out of some love for the art, is unrealistic and unfair. he should be sensitive to your loneliness and work to make you feel loved and valued when he can be there, yes, but don't make the mistake of making his job all about you. he deserves to pursue his dreams.

 

good luck.

[Lizzie60]

whooaaaa..you need to relax man!... you are waaayyy too anxious over money my dear.. what is money?

 

You have a job.. you have some kind of security.. he doesn't... if you are so concerned about it.. just stay like you are.. don't get married..

 

I'm sure that if you learn to relax and not expect so much financially from him.. you will be a lot more happier... just go with the flow..

 

I know it can be hard.. but it's a choice you have to make BEFORE you get married.. you really need to think about this..

 

but IMO you are way too anxious for a very little problem..

[lonelyandfrustrated]

If him being away is a problem now, it's going to be a HUGE problem down the line when/if children come along.

 

My husband didn't travel when we got married. Four kids later, and he went and got a job that requires overnight travel, even after I told him it would kill our marriage. I didn't sign up for single parenting. But now that he's forced me into it, I just went and got a job and once I'm established (I've been there two weeks now), I'll likely end the marriage. We'll see. I don't really want to, I do love him, but I hate that he puts so much stress on me and leaves me anxious, when it's something he didn't have to do.

 

If this lifestyle is a deal-breaker for you, be honest with yourself about it. Love him from afar and don't marry him.

[Ronni_W]

If him being away is a problem now, it's going to be a HUGE problem down the line when/if children come along. ... If this lifestyle is a deal-breaker for you, be honest with yourself about it. ...and don't marry him.

Lonely speaks as someone with the experience to back up the words of wisdom. It may sound harsh but, put another way, "get over it or get out of it," the sooner the better for your own peace of mind.

 

(Lonely, I trust the the job is all you hoped for...and more!)