a letter to my MM's BW

[spinningwheels]

Please give me your opinions. Our relationship has spanned over 3 years with several ddays. One just a couple of weeks ago, she knows, we continue. They are going on a huge (all her family) vacation on Saturday. He has promised to be out of the house by the 1st. But I said the vacation was a deal breaker...he goes, I'm out for good. We had NC for over 6 months, I was dating someone else--then he came back full of promises. Is this letter okay to send her? She already knows alot, but doesn't care as long as they keep up appearances. I am at a breaking point now, and want to send this. She has all the evidence from the past three years including my phone bills from 6 months ago and I just feel like sending this to her.....

 

xxxx,

 

Here it goes again. I was told that you know about the music videos I sent xxxx. Did you see the thirty or so that he sent me in the past couple weeks? I could forward all of them to you, but what is the point, you never do a thing. Did you know that everytime he is home late from work it is because he is on the phone with me. Pay phones now, maybe you got smart about the cell phone? Did you know that he was with me at xxxx last weekday for lunch after he got his shirts fixed in xxxx?That he was at my house after that? Did you know I am the one who referred him to the xxxx doctor? Did you know a couple of Saturdays ago he met me at xxxxxxx after work--the night he was done at xxxx (he had overtime) and then was at my house until almost 4 am? Did you know he wrote me a poem and read it to me Monday night about his love for me? (we were on the phone until 1. Did you know that he calls me constatnly from the work? THose numbers appear on my cell phone bill--do we need to go there again? Do you need to see my bill again? What is the point really?? Did you know that he called me from xxxxxx several times Tuesday morning to make sure I was okay? (also appear on my bill as do all the other numbers he called me from during working hours.) Did you know I met him during work on Monday to make out like high schooler's? It was fun! He can't tell me he loves me enough.

Did you know that he asked me to wait for him to get home from your "family" vacation and that we would go away the next week? Did you know that he was calling me for weeks in the middle of the night crying and leaving messages that I still have? Did you know that the night he had to leave his car at the side of the road after a night out he called and left a sobbing message that he can't live his life with out me?

I am so tired of being put in the middle of this with you two. Why don't you both have an honest conversation? Although, again, I doubt his ability to be honest with you. I, on the other hand never lie, what would be the point? Lies always catch up with you.

I could send you every shred of evidence of contact between us for the past six weeks--but what good what that do you. Both of you choose to do nothing, he tries to get his needs met by me, and you bury your head in the sand and pretend like you have a real marriage. Or, as he said you hack his accounts, and he either spins it his way and you believe it, or you really feel stuck or don't care. Although you care enough to TRY to control him. Believe me, you don't. He will never stop this behavior. NEVER. It is who he is. I do think that you deep down know that, and sadly you accept it. I told you in Feb. that he always came back to me, I was right...always! So, go and have your "lets pretend to be happy" vacation, tell him to stop being with me, and know in your heart that he will find a way to contact me again. That is how he is.

He does love me. I'm sure it hurts you, but it is the fact. You can't control him. I can't control him. No one can change a person, or make a person love them, or stop loving them. I don't have superpowers that draw him to me. I left him alone for months, did not try to get in touch with him at all. He started calling me before the 4th of July and leave crying messages about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I still did not answer or reach out to him. He contacted me on my birthday at the end of july--I still did not talk to or respond to him. I only let him back in when he promised me in August to try to make things right with us, and he truly apologized for the way he treated me. I sat back and let him show me his love...I did not persue or call or e-mail. I did e-mail him four or five things (compared to his tons to me) him a few things after he had really shown me his true feelings.

Did you know that I have been dating a wonderful man for the past six months, who now is aware of all of this? He knew from the moment I started talking to him--I don't lie. I told him and asked him to give me time to think things out. He found out that xxxx was at my house last week, and again, I do not lie, so I told him the truth. I am not like you. I will not continue to spin my wheels and hope that he changes. The reason all of this blew up Tuesday was because I will not put my life on hold for him anymore. He keeps trying to say things will change, but, I won't wait....sadly you still have hope. I will not accept a half assed relationship as you both do. I deserve better, and quite frankly both of you do too.

 

Best wishes and have a wonderful (pretend happy and normal) vacation.

[bentnotbroken]

You are so wrong. That letter isn't going to help anyone, not you or the wife. You are a sad person, willing to hurt someone else to make yourself feel better. Remember the seeds you continue to sow, you will one day have to reap.

[jj33]

Please please dont do this. She knows. He is going to do what he is going to do. If you send this it will only create more drama and at some point you will (I would hope) really low for having done it.

 

Its good that you drafted it to get your feelings out and its good that you shared it with the board but why in the world would you want to do this?

 

yes you are hurt. Yes you feel betrayed but W is married to this man. She knows she has been betrayed. Do you really think this is going to endear either of them to you? And do you really think it will make a difference in their M? Not a chance. You had several d days and she keeps taking him back.

 

Vent your anger and your hurt and your disappointment however you need to but dont stoop to that sort of behavior. Youll only regret it later.

 

And what are you doing corresponding with the W? Its like being in a custody fight for the dog. You are not fighting with her for custody of him and if you are, then you are setting yourself up as the fallback, if you can get her to give up on him then you get him... is that really how you want him to come to you (if he does and after a letter like that it sounds unlikely). And you say you are over it and dont want him but if you didnt want something you wouldnt dream of sending something like that.

 

You are venting your anger on the wrong person. Vent it on MM if you like but its just wrong to do that to his wife and I say that as someone who was the OW for 2 years with a man who is married to a relentless bitch. But that is their choice. They choose to stay married to these women. If you are angry be angry at him. Address the letter to him its easy to rewrite - dont take it out on her.

 

I am sure people will tell you just dont contact either of them. That is optimal but if you must write someone write him.

[wildsoul]

Have you tried reading this letter as if it is to yourself, not her?

 

[example snippet]

I could send you her every shred of evidence of contact between us for the past six weeks--but what good what that do you anyone.

[end example]

 

In other words, I think there is no point in sending her this letter. You and she are much the same. The only reason you're sending it now is because you are mad. But why be mad at her? You have only yourself and MM to blame. Let it go and move on.

[jj33]

That letter isn't going to help anyone, not you or the wife. ..... Remember the seeds you continue to sow, you will one day have to reap.

 

 

Well said BNB - if you are looking to create bad karma this is a great way to do it.

[Lucky_One]

Let me paraphrase your wordy letter.

 

"Pssst MM! Pick me! Pick me!

 

Hey wife - even if he picks you, I am going to ensure that you are miserable the rest of your life. Hell, even if he picks me, I am going to ensure that you are miserable for the rest of your life! YOU are a loser, wifey, and MM is the God of Love and makes me behave like a proud, vindictive and cruel witch. Bye."

[norajane]

he came back full of promises.

 

It's not her fault he's not living up to his promises to you.

 

This letter is full of anger and vitriol, all aimed at her. You might want to give it some more thought before you send it.

[Spinning Head]

Not only does W keep taking MM back, but MM keeps going back to W. If MM was going to leave the M, he would have done so by now.

 

Don't send the letter . . . It makes you look petty and desperate!!! You appear to be a strong-willed woman - dump them both and move on.

[wildsoul]

Did you know I met him during work on Monday to make out like high schooler's? It was fun! He can't tell me he loves me enough.

*sighs* Seriously. I had to skim it again because it was just so mindboggling. Do you see how this letter makes YOU look like an even bigger idiot than her? Every one of your examples makes you look like the one desperately pretending. After all, he chose HER. She already "won." This just makes you look like a wacky bunny boiler chick.

 

DON'T SEND IT!

[whichwayisup]

If you send it, you'll regret it. You are going to lose him either way because he is LYING TO YOU and while he's with you, he's pretending to plan a life with you. At home, he has NO INTENTION of leaving his wife and kids for you. He will throw you under the bus, make it seem like YOU are the crazy and obsessed one - AND, that letter proves it.

 

You act like you HATE his wife, yet you should be venting this anger at HIM not her. SHE has EVERY RIGHT to take him back because she is his wife, not you. She had his children, not you. Sorry to be blunt and harsh here, but it is not your place to mess in their lives and dictate how their marriage, if at all, ends. That is HIS CHOICE, not yours. So far he's made his choice by going on a holiday with HIS family, with his wife.

 

You send that, it's like putting a gun to your head. You can kiss him goodbye forever with that letter to HIS wife.

[jj33]

I just reread it too. I can only echo WSs sentiment. DONT SEND IT.

 

And read again and again and try to look deep into yourself and figure out why you keep going back to this man. He may keep coming back but for what? People who love you dont treat you that way.

[whichwayisup]

I deserve better

 

That's the only thing that makes sense in your note. You do deserve better - So do yourself a favour - Walk away, heal and find your own man, a single guy who can offer ALL of himself to you, not just stolen moments filled with empty and broken promises.

 

You think this guy is going to give everything up for you? Throw away a marriage, a life he built up, his children for the unknown? Lose respect from his parents, siblings, extended family, inlaws - let alone his own kids?

 

Listen to what everyone is telling you. DO NOT SEND that letter to his wife. IF you do decide to send it, YOU live with the fallout and consquences of losing him and him hating you for the rest of your life. He probably will never speak to you again if you send it.

[spinningwheels]

She has already contacted me several times. She knows that we are together--he was with me today, and will be here tomorrow...trying to smooth things over. I am the one who is sick of being pulled into the drama. She knows alot about us--not everything. She knows of our past vacations, she see his e-mails...I just want her to leave me alone--I was giving him a final chance. He keeps asking for me to wait until the first of October--that this is their last vacation for his child. She is well aware of continuing contact, she at times contacts me.

 

I'm sure this letter sounds harsh, but believe me--you wouldn't believe the half of it. She has told me personally that she will stay put until she has more money put away. She has told me that she doesn't love him. She just doesn't want him to be with me, or to have her marraige end unless it is on her terms. She called me two weeks ago about an e-mail between us. She has not been in the dark for almost three years. She tolorates it, I tolerate it...but I am sick of being put in the middle.

 

I would not be dropping any kind of bomb on her. She Already Knows.

 

This letter may sound mean, but I am venting here, I really don't think I will send it--it is a thought. Believe me I have vented to him for hours the past two days. He hears me, he doesn't care if I send her a letter, call her or take out a billboard. He knows that we have spoken in the past. He knows that we will probably speak in the future. He never leaves me or throws me under the bus. He tries to keep me holding on.

[NoIDidn't]

I didn't bother to read the letter after the opening explanation for it. I will go back and read it.

 

Whatever it says, though, don't send it.

 

What are you expecting her to do? Kick him out? If she hasn't after several d-days, she won't after a poorly articulated letter.

 

Very immature. Probably why he won't be leaving. Sounds like he is using you for a good time, nothing more. So sad.

[spinningwheels]

He would not hate me--he knows that we have talked (wife and I) in the past. He is well aware that I will talk to her in the future....he always says that he understands why I respond to her or tell her the truth. We have been through this many times. He doesn't care what I do or say to her. Not that he is right or I am. But that is off the table....he would probably just say to her "so what?" as he has done in the past. or tell her to stay out of his personal life. They live a very different life.

[NoIDidn't]

I tolerate it...but I am sick of being put in the middle.

 

HE put you in the middle and it seems you gladly joined. Stop being his OW and you will be out of he middle of THEIR crazy marriage.

 

...I have vented to him for hours the past two days. He hears me, he doesn't care if I send her a letter, call her or take out a billboard. He knows that we have spoken in the past. He knows that we will probably speak in the future. He never leaves me or throws me under the bus. He tries to keep me holding on.

 

He's stringing you along - not keeping you holding on. He's probably glad to have found (another) someone so willing to take his obvious disrespect. He's keeping her holding on too, or else he wouldn't still be married to her.

 

I find it telling that he doesn't care that you are going to contact her. Do you want him to leave the M? Doesn't sound like he plans too.

[NoIDidn't]

... tell her to stay out of his personal life. ....

 

 

OMG! If my H said something like that to me, he'd be missing his tongue before he was able to form the last word of that phrase.

 

His personal life should include her and her feelings.

 

WOW.

 

Well, I hope you think long and hard about wanting to be on her end of his sharp tongue should you get him. I wouldn't put up with it myself.

 

And that makes me think. If he actually says what I quoted to her, and she doesn't divorce him - what makes you think she will leave over your letter?

 

 

<shakes head>

[jj33]

She has already contacted me several times. She knows that we are together--he was with me today, and will be here tomorrow...trying to smooth things over. I am the one who is sick of being pulled into the drama. She knows alot about us--not everything. She knows of our past vacations, she see his e-mails...I just want her to leave me alone--I was giving him a final chance. He keeps asking for me to wait until the first of October--that this is their last vacation for his child. She is well aware of continuing contact, she at times contacts me.

 

I'm sure this letter sounds harsh, but believe me--you wouldn't believe the half of it. She has told me personally that she will stay put until she has more money put away. She has told me that she doesn't love him. She just doesn't want him to be with me, or to have her marraige end unless it is on her terms. She called me two weeks ago about an e-mail between us. She has not been in the dark for almost three years. She tolorates it, I tolerate it...but I am sick of being put in the middle.

 

I would not be dropping any kind of bomb on her. She Already Knows.

 

This letter may sound mean, but I am venting here, I really don't think I will send it--it is a thought. Believe me I have vented to him for hours the past two days. He hears me, he doesn't care if I send her a letter, call her or take out a billboard. He knows that we have spoken in the past. He knows that we will probably speak in the future. He never leaves me or throws me under the bus. He tries to keep me holding on.

 

You are fighting for custody of the dog. Youll get him when she is done with him (or his bank accounts as the case may be). All the other insanity aside - is that really what you want?

 

Dont send the letter. Let her find someone else to walk the dog.

[Lucky_One]

And you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who behaves like this?

[NoIDidn't]

Aw, dang! I read the letter. Wish I hadn't.

 

What a waste of my time.

[jj33]

He would not hate me--he knows that we have talked (wife and I) in the past. He is well aware that I will talk to her in the future....he always says that he understands why I respond to her or tell her the truth. We have been through this many times. He doesn't care what I do or say to her. Not that he is right or I am. But that is off the table....he would probably just say to her "so what?" as he has done in the past. or tell her to stay out of his personal life. They live a very different life.

 

All this aside go back to beginning. Why would you feel the need to hurt someone like this just because you are hurting? Its just wrong. And you dont know if she means what she says. Shes likely hurt and embarrassed and angry that this is the way her marriage has worked out. Its a horrible situation all around.

 

You are obviously hurt but you need to do some deep soul searching on this one. I dont want to be harsh but its like you are begging for a spot on the Jerry Springer show. You are so hurt you cant see how out of control things have gotten.

 

Stop the madness. Write anything you want on the board but dont send anything to her. Dont communicate with her. Leave her alone she is not the enemy. And it hasnt gotten you what you want has it?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Don't send it. There really isn't any point. I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish, but I assure you it will simply be used against you in some way.

[spinningwheels]

So sorry that I am pissing people off with my vent. I always thought this was a place for support.

 

I don't think I will send the letter, I am just tired of all of the crap. For the past three years he has lead two seperate lives, and all of us are aware of it. He is with me 4 days and two nights a week. He is at home the other time. It works for them, it stopped working for me about eight months ago...I dumped him, moved on, and dated. After his begging for another true chance about 6 weeks ago, (after ignoring him for months), I gave in. He gave himself the October deadline. She found out about the contact right away, (she called me about it) but it didn't stop....he told her that he loves me and was leaving in October. I didn't pressure, I dated him normally. Dinner, movies, breakfast, wine tasting....she knew. I flipped about this family vacation which is why I vented it out today. I don't get going away for a week with their child and 6 members of her family as a time to discuss seperation. Although, it still won't be a good time for him. I know he will be calling me constantly, and I already told him if he goes, I am gone...again....I left before and cut him out for six months, this time it will be for good....No, promising a great vacation the week he moves out is NOT going to let this vacation with them okay in my mind. So, I guess I will see where he is next week. He knows my dealbreaker, and I have never really had one before.

 

As far as him using me (I can't remember who said that)? But for what?? Conversations, dinner companion??? We have only been physical twice in six weeks. In the past we were together physically about 12x a week. He doesn't pressure me, he is very kind and loving. As I said in my letter to her, he wrote me a beautiful poem that had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with love. I do believe he loves me. I also believes that he is scared out of his mind to make a move without a total commitment from me.....which I won't give at this time. I watch his actions, not his words. I do believe her words more than his, and believe me, I have about 30 pages of e-mails from her.

 

I'm not fighting for him, he is fighting for me. I am tired of all of the contact from her about us....Talk to Him.....She wants the truth, well she found it by hacking his computer and phone bills. I wrote this letter just to get it off of my chest....she wants to know all about me, all about my relationship with him, well, at this point I wanted to give it to her. As I said, I don't think I will send it, but, I don't think it was cruel or insulting. I was giving her what she always wanted, info about our day to day relationship. She believes I am some kind of superwoman who keeps him with me, but, it is quite the opposite, I left him alone. I was moving on. He can't let go. I will let go this weekend if he does go through with this farce of a vacation. I gave him three choices today, tomorrow we will discuss them. In the meantime, I will NOT send this letter. I just needed to get it out there.

 

And for those who said I hate her or am angry with her, you couldn't be farther from the truth....I believe we are very alike and I feel bad for her. I just wish that she would leave me alone--I don't start contact with her, she does with me. I didn't restart contact with her husband after all of our ddays, he did.

[whichwayisup]

I just wish that she would leave me alone--I don't start contact with her, she does with me. I didn't restart contact with her husband after all of our ddays, he did.

Hey, you had an affair with her husband. She has every right to contact you if she chooses to. Part of the fallout of an affair is taking responsibility for your part in it. Consquences of being the OW. You are to blame too, not just him. You allowed the A to continue after each d-day, it takes two.

 

You aren't ignoring him, or cutting complete contact in everyway. You are making MORE drama, if anything, if you do send that letter.

 

You want this to stop? Walk away, do NC forever and get on with your life. Forget about them completely and don't mess in their marriage anymore.

[bentnotbroken]

YOU CAN END ALL THIS DRAMA walk away. You aren't the one married to him or the one who has to figure out how to leave the life you have lived for years. You vent/whine about how you are being treated. Then why don't you look at how you are treating yourself? If you want to be treated better, then treat yourself better.