a letter to my MM's BW

[NewSunrise]

So, living with, and being faithful to, someone for 30 years is not a demonstration of commitment? Gosh, I'd have said otherwise. I guess my MM, my father, and many of my friends and colleagues who led drudge boring monogamous lives for decades before finally succumbing never knew toughness or difficulty until that first inkling of temptation, then. (Good insulation they must have had - they should issue it as standard to all newly-weds!)

I think "marriage" requires commitment between TWO people, not three. Commitment to parenthood is seperate from commitment to spouse. Yet, both commitment, no matter how boring, requires responsibility, doesn't it?

 

Interestingly , I once watched a show (Dateline/48 HR) on polygomy. The man and his wives were all interviewed. The wives, while they accepted their roles, they

didn't like the "sharing" part when it came to who he was going to have sex with.

 

To each its own....

[OWoman]

I'm not sure how this:

 

I think "marriage" requires commitment between TWO people, not three. Commitment to parenthood is seperate from commitment to spouse. Yet, both commitment, no matter how boring, requires responsibility, doesn't it?

 

related to this:

 

So, living with, and being faithful to, someone for 30 years is not a demonstration of commitment? Gosh, I'd have said otherwise. I guess my MM, my father, and many of my friends and colleagues who led drudge boring monogamous lives for decades before finally succumbing never knew toughness or difficulty until that first inkling of temptation, then. (Good insulation they must have had - they should issue it as standard to all newly-weds!)

 

since I was referring to the multiple decades of monogamy / faithfulness / sexual exclusivity that preceded any third party, and wondering how those men could have stayed monogamous / faithful / sexually exclusive during those multiple decades and yet still be deemed "incapable of commitment" because they later went on to have an A - despite having demonstrated commitment for all of that preceeding time.

 

I guess they're just good at faking it?

[dcgirl33]

He doesn't care if you send the letter because he has no respect for his wife or child. He also has no respect for you. You have none either. You keep saying she knows about you, but you knew about her first. It's not what's wrong with her. She has a child and maybe tied to him finacially.

The real question is what's wrong with you. We already know what's wrong with him. You have no substaincial ties to him. Why do you do it? Are you that desperate? That letter is disgusting. Your MAN is trash.

[NewSunrise]

Another great day with friends and family, dinner plans tomorrow. And, by the way...his wife and child are on vacation...he is still at home and not at work....I do listen to messages...but I don't care, I still believe he will join them later this week. ppfftt..

 

You still care otherwise you wouldn't take the time to listen to his messages.

 

Besides filling every hour of your life with activities, don't forget to set aside some time for yourself alone just to digest what it is that you want and need in life "independent" of any man or person.

 

There is nothing wrong to being alone. You might surprise yourself. When you get to this level, you will find you won't settle for anything less. Yep, not even from a man. Upside is, they find you more attractive...

[NewSunrise]

since I was referring to the multiple decades of monogamy / faithfulness / sexual exclusivity that preceded any third party, and wondering how those men could have stayed monogamous / faithful / sexually exclusive during those multiple decades and yet still be deemed "incapable of commitment" because they later went on to have an A - despite having demonstrated commitment for all of that preceeding time.

 

I guess they're just good at faking it?

 

That's just a portion of society.

 

Perhaps you should do a research and write a book about those "men who stayed monogamous/faithful/sexually exclusive during those multiple decades and yet still deemed "incapable of commitment..." We can all then relish on your findings so that those like us who view commitment in M is between H/W no matter how "boring" it is perceived but would never thought of crossing the line just to explore whether the other sider of the fence is greener before detaching ourselves from our "boring" monogamous marriage/relationship.

 

Afterall, we have read and seen interviews of married couples who have successfully reached the 50 year mark, happily who haven't faked it. What did it take that got them that far? Ooooooh that dirty, dirty and nasty four letter word called......W O R K. So I'd really be interested in your findings.

 

Perhaps, scientifically and biologically, there are some men/women who are incapable of commitment that no amount of counseling will deter them from prancing over to the other side. Of course, there's the issue of the psychology. Boring. But it'll narrow the research down as to why some people can't/wont'/unable as if it's a disability to commit.

[OWoman]

That's just a portion of society.

 

Perhaps you should do a research and write a book about those "men who stayed monogamous/faithful/sexually exclusive during those multiple decades and yet still deemed "incapable of commitment..." We can all then relish on your findings so that those like us who view commitment in M is between H/W no matter how "boring" it is perceived but would never thought of crossing the line just to explore whether the other sider of the fence is greener before detaching ourselves from our "boring" monogamous marriage/relationship.

 

Afterall, we have read and seen interviews of married couples who have successfully reached the 50 year mark, happily who haven't faked it. What did it take that got them that far? Ooooooh that dirty, dirty and nasty four letter word called......W O R K. So I'd really be interested in your findings.

 

Perhaps, scientifically and biologically, there are some men/women who are incapable of commitment that no amount of counseling will deter them from prancing over to the other side. Of course, there's the issue of the psychology. Boring. But it'll narrow the research down as to why some people can't/wont'/unable as if it's a disability to commit.

 

Since you're clearly misunderstanding what I'm saying, and I ccan't understand what you're saying, I don't think this exchange is getting anywhere. If you're interested in finding stuff out, go right ahead. I have my own research interests and I'll continue with those, thanks.

[NewSunrise]

Since you're clearly misunderstanding what I'm saying, and I ccan't understand what you're saying, I don't think this exchange is getting anywhere. If you're interested in finding stuff out, go right ahead. I have my own research interests and I'll continue with those, thanks.

Merely replied a rebuttal to your premise.

[bish]

Please give me your opinions. Our relationship has spanned over 3 years with several ddays. One just a couple of weeks ago, she knows, we continue. They are going on a huge (all her family) vacation on Saturday. He has promised to be out of the house by the 1st. But I said the vacation was a deal breaker...he goes, I'm out for good. We had NC for over 6 months, I was dating someone else--then he came back full of promises. Is this letter okay to send her? She already knows alot, but doesn't care as long as they keep up appearances. I am at a breaking point now, and want to send this. She has all the evidence from the past three years including my phone bills from 6 months ago and I just feel like sending this to her.....

 

xxxx,

 

Here it goes again. I was told that you know about the music videos I sent xxxx. Did you see the thirty or so that he sent me in the past couple weeks? I could forward all of them to you, but what is the point, you never do a thing. Did you know that everytime he is home late from work it is because he is on the phone with me. Pay phones now, maybe you got smart about the cell phone? Did you know that he was with me at xxxx last weekday for lunch after he got his shirts fixed in xxxx?That he was at my house after that? Did you know I am the one who referred him to the xxxx doctor? Did you know a couple of Saturdays ago he met me at xxxxxxx after work--the night he was done at xxxx (he had overtime) and then was at my house until almost 4 am? Did you know he wrote me a poem and read it to me Monday night about his love for me? (we were on the phone until 1. Did you know that he calls me constatnly from the work? THose numbers appear on my cell phone bill--do we need to go there again? Do you need to see my bill again? What is the point really?? Did you know that he called me from xxxxxx several times Tuesday morning to make sure I was okay? (also appear on my bill as do all the other numbers he called me from during working hours.) Did you know I met him during work on Monday to make out like high schooler's? It was fun! He can't tell me he loves me enough.

Did you know that he asked me to wait for him to get home from your "family" vacation and that we would go away the next week? Did you know that he was calling me for weeks in the middle of the night crying and leaving messages that I still have? Did you know that the night he had to leave his car at the side of the road after a night out he called and left a sobbing message that he can't live his life with out me?

I am so tired of being put in the middle of this with you two. Why don't you both have an honest conversation? Although, again, I doubt his ability to be honest with you. I, on the other hand never lie, what would be the point? Lies always catch up with you.

I could send you every shred of evidence of contact between us for the past six weeks--but what good what that do you. Both of you choose to do nothing, he tries to get his needs met by me, and you bury your head in the sand and pretend like you have a real marriage. Or, as he said you hack his accounts, and he either spins it his way and you believe it, or you really feel stuck or don't care. Although you care enough to TRY to control him. Believe me, you don't. He will never stop this behavior. NEVER. It is who he is. I do think that you deep down know that, and sadly you accept it. I told you in Feb. that he always came back to me, I was right...always! So, go and have your "lets pretend to be happy" vacation, tell him to stop being with me, and know in your heart that he will find a way to contact me again. That is how he is.

He does love me. I'm sure it hurts you, but it is the fact. You can't control him. I can't control him. No one can change a person, or make a person love them, or stop loving them. I don't have superpowers that draw him to me. I left him alone for months, did not try to get in touch with him at all. He started calling me before the 4th of July and leave crying messages about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I still did not answer or reach out to him. He contacted me on my birthday at the end of july--I still did not talk to or respond to him. I only let him back in when he promised me in August to try to make things right with us, and he truly apologized for the way he treated me. I sat back and let him show me his love...I did not persue or call or e-mail. I did e-mail him four or five things (compared to his tons to me) him a few things after he had really shown me his true feelings.

Did you know that I have been dating a wonderful man for the past six months, who now is aware of all of this? He knew from the moment I started talking to him--I don't lie. I told him and asked him to give me time to think things out. He found out that xxxx was at my house last week, and again, I do not lie, so I told him the truth. I am not like you. I will not continue to spin my wheels and hope that he changes. The reason all of this blew up Tuesday was because I will not put my life on hold for him anymore. He keeps trying to say things will change, but, I won't wait....sadly you still have hope. I will not accept a half assed relationship as you both do. I deserve better, and quite frankly both of you do too.

 

Best wishes and have a wonderful (pretend happy and normal) vacation.

 

What would be the point of sending this letter to her other than to cause her more pain than she is already putting up with?

 

What kind of person are you to so selfishly, arrogantly, smugly, sarcastically, and downright despicably do this to her?

 

After reading this letter you want to send her, I have to say that you are wrong......you do NOT deserve better.

[bish]

Have you tried reading this letter as if it is to yourself, not her?

 

[example snippet]

I could send you her every shred of evidence of contact between us for the past six weeks--but what good what that do you anyone.

[end example]

 

In other words, I think there is no point in sending her this letter. You and she are much the same. The only reason you're sending it now is because you are mad. But why be mad at her? You have only yourself and MM to blame. Let it go and move on.

 

Exactly...for some reason she wants to rub the BW's nose in s##t. Downright evil if you ask me.

[bish]

She has already contacted me several times. She knows that we are together--he was with me today, and will be here tomorrow...trying to smooth things over. I am the one who is sick of being pulled into the drama.

 

You pulled yourself into the drama when you decided to spread your legs for someone elses husband. don't even try to act like the victim here.

 

 

She knows alot about us--not everything. She knows of our past vacations, she see his e-mails...I just want her to leave me alone

 

You want to screw her husband, but you want her to leave you alone? You've got to be kidding. do you hear yourself?

 

 

I'm sure this letter sounds harsh, but believe me--you wouldn't believe the half of it. She has told me personally that she will stay put until she has more money put away.

 

Good for her.

 

 

She has told me that she doesn't love him. She just doesn't want him to be with me, or to have her marraige end unless it is on her terms.

 

And whats wrong with that when faced with a cheating spouse who has a vindictive OW? Nothing at all. She is perfectly and justifiably in her right to think as she does.

 

 

She called me two weeks ago about an e-mail between us. She has not been in the dark for almost three years. She tolorates it, I tolerate it...but I am sick of being put in the middle.

 

Again, you put yourself in the middle when you decided to gratify yourself with someone elses husband. You weren't "put" in the middle of anything. You placed yourself there.

 

 

I would not be dropping any kind of bomb on her. She Already Knows.

 

Maybe, but your letter smacks of "ha ha ha, nanny nanny boo boo....I'm better than you and your an idiot."

 

We aren't dumb. This isn't just about you informing her of things that are going on. You want this to be a slap in the face. Once again, despicable.

[jj33]

Isnt this over? Didnt she decide not to send it?

[bish]

You are fighting for custody of the dog. Youll get him when she is done with him.

 

Here is the funny part. She says in that letter she has been dating a wonderful man for several months, yet she is still hanging on to MM.

 

If I were dating someone and I found out she was messing around with a MM, much less another man at all, and is still involved at some level with him....she'd be on the street faster than you can say toot sweet.

[bish]

Isnt this over? Didnt she decide not to send it?

 

Maybe, maybe not, but just the thought of what she wrote and wanted to send her boggles my mind.

[bish]

When he is with his child, which is only when she is working, as they work opposite shifts...I suggest that he not call me...he still does, but I always cut it short so that they can spend time together. But, as I said, I heard messages, and I hear W in the background saying to tell daddy this or that....I even heard her coach to tell daddy that mommy doesn't feel godd so (child) couldn't see him that night. I hear her on VM telling the child exactly what to say...call me daddy, love you daddy, thanks for the soda daddy, what are you doing daddy?? She says it and then child says it.

 

She is teaching her child to be polite and respectful. I tell my kids the same thing regarding my XW, even though I can't stand the #$@$#.

[LostGirl811]

Im in an A right now with a MM and I would never send his W a letter like that. I dream about it, fantasaize about what it would be like to tell her everything, but I don't do it.

 

She's hurting, she's feeling probably low on the self esteem that her husband is cheating on her, even if they claim not to love each other anymore. To be honest, I don't know why yuo'd be mad at her. If i ever get mad at anyone, it's my MM.

 

She has a right to him- he married her. If he doesn't like it, then he should divorce her. If he doesn't divorce her, then he has his reasons, whatever they may be. He might not love her at all, but maybe he's having a tough time with the idea of no longer being with his kids full-time.

 

if you think you are ever going to be more important than someone's children, think again. I may be miserable in my A, but at least I don't delude myself into thinking he's going to abandon his children and W to come be with me anytime soon. That would be emotional and financial ruin for all of them.

 

Writing letters helps to vent frustrations, but that's it. Sending it to her will at best make you feel guilty, and at worst make you feel like a bitter, resentful and insignificant outsider to their marriage.

 

If you're so sick of the situation then move on. I can't move on, but I deal with my A as it is. I don't ask him to leave her, I just patiently wait the day when I meet another man who makes me feel this way. I hope it will happen.

 

Anyway, my advice, when I read the letter, all I saw was someone that sounded very bitter, pathetic, lost, angry, sad, and desperate. That's not an insult, because hell, i feel that way about myself sometimes when I see how i act at the result of this A, but that doesn't make it any less true. That's how we get as we watch the situation continue into something we will never get but so desperately want.

 

Don't send the letter. It'll just make you feel like crap in the end, and make her more resolved to refuse to give him to you, even if she doesn't want him anymore, simply to prove that she still has more power in the situation than you do,.

[bish]

Im in an A right now with a MM and I would never send his W a letter like that. I dream about it, fantasaize about what it would be like to tell her everything, but I don't do it.

 

But do you fantasize about rubbing her nose in crap, or do you fantasize about just telling her what is going on so she is informed? Nothing wrong with the latter.

 

The former is just downright despicable.

 

 

She's hurting, she's feeling probably low on the self esteem that her husband is cheating on her, even if they claim not to love each other anymore. To be honest, I don't know why yuo'd be mad at her. If i ever get mad at anyone, it's my MM.

 

EXACTLY!!! I'd usually slam the hell out of you for being in an affair, but I will restrain myself here because you at least are thinking slightly clearer than the OP.

 

 

if you think you are ever going to be more important than someone's children, think again.

 

I wouldn't say that. People choose their sex on the side partner all the time over their kids. As a father I'd never have even dreamed of cheating on my kid's mother, as if I would cheat anyway. I'd never choose to uproot my family if I thought I wanted some other little piece on the side.

 

 

I may be miserable in my A, but at least I don't delude myself into thinking he's going to abandon his children and W to come be with me anytime soon.

 

Why not? happens all the time.

 

 

 

That would be emotional and financial ruin for all of them.

 

So the answer to staying in a marriage because of financial reasons is to cheat?? Uh....ok:confused:

 

 

If you're so sick of the situation then move on.

 

This is the funny part. She states she has been dating someone wonderful for months now, yet she is still clinging to the MM. Gee...what disrespect to the new Mr. Wonderful. She truly deserves to be alone. And if the new guy had any sense about him, she would be.

[NoIDidn't]

Any news? Did he go on the vacation? Is it really over?