a letter to my MM's BW

[spinningwheels]

Noforgivness--he has known me long enough to know that I am not a whore! Kinda of funny to say anything about bringing me to meet his family, he has none. I was only with him for years. When I moved on from him in Feb. I quickly began dating another man. It was too soon to jump into another relationship, but I did. That bothered him greatly....so, what I said to him that I would be with XXXXX next week, I know it hurt him. I put my life on hold for him for far too long.

 

I have not responded to him all day, and really truely feel that he is a piece of ****. Why come back into my life just to try to **** it all up again. I was fine without him. It stung for months, but I was moving along. What kind of person does that. He cried for months that he thought I hated him--well hate is moving in now. What was the point of anything? I am done, I am no where near as hurt or disappointed as I was for the prior 2 plus years of our relationship. I gave him a shot at me with body armor on...he can never hurt me like he did before. He didn't really hurt me badly this time. He just proved he was not a normal human being with feelings. He just made me hate him, and blew all chances of me ever trusting a word out of his mouth.

 

Phone off....messages unheard....e-mails not read....I will not be reading or listening to anything, and he has tried. I have plans all weekend with friends and family. He can go f---- himself.

[NoIDidn't]

Ofcourse he is going. Sorry but he more than likely had plans to go from the get-go.

 

Heck, if I planned a vacation for months in advance and already paid for it - I would go too!

 

Ultimatums or not!

[spinningwheels]

This is an annual vacation with 7 seperate fam's with probrably 14 adults plus children. Cost to rent house is probably around $200 each. Headache cost is much more. He would not going because it was a paid fun vacation! It would be a mandatory face time sitch. Which I would not deal with. I did listen to his last message, stating that he was packing up their car tomorrow and will be here for the rest of the week. Who the **** knows any more? Can I say **** here? I don't even know if I want him here... should not been such a nailbiting decision for him. I texted him after last e-mail and said have a wonderful family vacation! He texted back, WTF? But seriously it should not be so hard to pick me.

 

NoIdidn't the two hundred bucks were never a concern, he wanted to go away the next week with me. For far more than that because we are not a travelling circus. I encourgaed him to just take his child.

[NoIDidn't]

I think you are missing the point. I was simply saying that I would go on my vacation that was already planned too. Two hundred dollars may not be much, but if I spend it, I am going to do what I spent it on.

 

Look. You said he wanted to go somewhere with you. Wanted, schmanted. He is going on vacation with his family. And you are already waivering in your *commitment* to ending things.

 

He has you pegged for a sucker that will be waiting for his return. Seems he was right.

[NoIDidn't]

I encourgaed him to just take his child.

 

I had to say something about this.

 

If you can't get him to pick you, what makes you think that he will do something with his child because you encouraged it?

 

A man does what a man wants to do. And they don't usually wait for a woman's permission to do it.

 

You are putting a lot of pressure on him. I would not be surprised to find him not talking to you for a few days once he returns from this vacation as he will know that you are steamed because he did it his way and not yours.

[spinningwheels]

NoIdidn't, not waiting for him. The man I have been dating is a pilot and gone until Monday. We will go out then. From there out, I doubt there will be an chance to bring MM back into my life. It upsets me that he had the power to get back to my life for that brief period, but he will be out again.

 

 

If you really loved somone you would losse the 200 bucks and tell your kid to have fun, hell, even give them some extra for fun!!! But stay back and have a hell of of a vacation with the person you said you loved. We could have gone away this week instead of next week! I do believe he is full of ****!

 

I am now trying ti get in touch with single guy who is a private pilot and was working to get some bigwigs out of texas earlier. Who, as I said, I asked for time from... I have known xxxxx since I was 17 years old, so almost 15yrs. and he is a great man. Divorced 2 kids. Please hope that he is safe, and just pissed at me and no answering my texts.

[NoIDidn't]

I know you said you lived with a guy that had a child for a bit, but it doesn't seem like you understand how us married folks feel about the kids that we have in our marriage (born into it).

 

Its hard to do anything that changes their dynamic. Your MM wouldn't give up his money for his vacation with his child instead of with you because he treasures that relationship more. No offense.

 

Whether he wants to hang out with the W and the inlaws is beside the point. If he went to be with his child, nothing will keep him from it. Not even his mistress.

[whichwayisup]

Why come back into my life just to try to **** it all up again. I was fine without him. It stung for months, but I was moving along. What kind of person does that.

 

It upsets me that he had the power to get back to my life for that brief period, but he will be out again.

 

I know you're pissed at him, but you can't put this ALL on him. You allowed him back into your life. You chose to give him yet another chance.

 

He is scum and a selfish man who wants two women in his life - He's become quite a good liar, telling you what you wanted to hear. (check out stampdaddy's thread, you'll see how selfish a CS really is)

 

If you really loved somone you would losse the 200 bucks and tell your kid to have fun, hell, even give them some extra for fun!!! But stay back and have a hell of of a vacation with the person you said you loved. We could have gone away this week instead of next week! I do believe he is full of ****!

 

He has told you this but you do know he's going on that trip. If he doesn't go, then woud you to stop and think WTF is wrong with him.. No offense..But if he blew off his child, that holiday to be with you, wow, he's some dad..(Sarcastic) Most of the time when you line yourself up against a child, the child wins every time.

[Ms. Red]

 

He has told you this but you do know he's going on that trip. If he doesn't go, then woud you to stop and think WTF is wrong with him.. No offense..But if he blew off his child, that holiday to be with you, wow, he's some dad..(Sarcastic) Most of the time when you line yourself up against a child, the child wins every time.

 

This is the thing that gets to me through this whole thread. How can you demand a choice between you & his child? That's just wrong!

 

As NID said....

I know you said you lived with a guy that had a child for a bit, but it doesn't seem like you understand how us married folks feel about the kids that we have in our marriage (born into it).

 

Its hard to do anything that changes their dynamic. Your MM wouldn't give up his money for his vacation with his child instead of with you because he treasures that relationship more. No offense.

 

Whether he wants to hang out with the W and the inlaws is beside the point. If he went to be with his child, nothing will keep him from it. Not even his mistress.

 

I have endured visits with my in-laws with the usual pleasantries on a monthly bases (at minimum) to stay on their good side for my son.

 

I have endured a "family day" with my kids Daddy because the glow on my sons face made it worth it. He was on a total high throughout the day that his Mom & Dad spent the day together with him.

 

You say, I AM DONE! Then so be it! Let this man be a good father to his son & make him the most important person in his life & not choose you over his child.

 

I don't want to sound bitchy. I just get protective when children are put below an adults "feelings". You sounded strong & then sounded weak again. Be strong & let this man go & get on with your life.

[bentnotbroken]

This is the thing that gets to me through this whole thread. How can you demand a choice between you & his child? That's just wrong!

 

As NID said....

 

 

I have endured visits with my in-laws with the usual pleasantries on a monthly bases (at minimum) to stay on their good side for my son.

 

I have endured a "family day" with my kids Daddy because the glow on my sons face made it worth it. He was on a total high throughout the day that his Mom & Dad spent the day together with him.

 

You say, I AM DONE! Then so be it! Let this man be a good father to his son & make him the most important person in his life & not choose you over his child.

 

I don't want to sound bitchy. I just get protective when children are put below an adults "feelings". You sounded strong & then sounded weak again. Be strong & let this man go & get on with your life.

 

 

Thank you. You vs. his child, that's real mature.

[OWoman]

He has told you this but you do know he's going on that trip. If he doesn't go, then woud you to stop and think WTF is wrong with him.. No offense..But if he blew off his child, that holiday to be with you, wow, he's some dad..(Sarcastic) Most of the time when you line yourself up against a child, the child wins every time.

 

Why is being a good parent so important in choice of a lover? If what you're looking for is a lover, rather than the potential parent of your unborn (or step-parent of your existing) children, why is that person's capacity or orientation towards parenting remotely important? I'd rank it way below their prowess as a lover, their sensitivity towards their (adult, sex) partner/s, their personality, with, physical appearance, etc - if all you're wanting is a lover.

 

I've had As with several guys who'd drop whatever they were doing and come running when I summoned - whether kids were involved or not. They knew if they wanted (access to) me, it had to be on my terms or not at all, and they chose to make that their priority. Not every man (or woman) is cut out - or wants - to be a parent. Many find themselves in that position accidentally - contraceptive failure, deceit from their partner, hormonal mishaps... and because it's so terribly unPC to confess that parenting wasn't your life's ambition, few admit to that openly. But for many, it's really not their priority in life and as long as the kids' basic needs are met, they're happy to blow off the luxuries and instead spend time on something they can truly enjoy without having to fake it.

[bentnotbroken]

Why is being a good parent so important in choice of a lover? If what you're looking for is a lover, rather than the potential parent of your unborn (or step-parent of your existing) children, why is that person's capacity or orientation towards parenting remotely important? I'd rank it way below their prowess as a lover, their sensitivity towards their (adult, sex) partner/s, their personality, with, physical appearance, etc - if all you're wanting is a lover.

 

I've had As with several guys who'd drop whatever they were doing and come running when I summoned - whether kids were involved or not. They knew if they wanted (access to) me, it had to be on my terms or not at all, and they chose to make that their priority. Not every man (or woman) is cut out - or wants - to be a parent. Many find themselves in that position accidentally - contraceptive failure, deceit from their partner, hormonal mishaps... and because it's so terribly unPC to confess that parenting wasn't your life's ambition, few admit to that openly. But for many, it's really not their priority in life and as long as the kids' basic needs are met, they're happy to blow off the luxuries and instead spend time on something they can truly enjoy without having to fake it.

 

 

That's why I wouldn't be opposed to having a license to parent. It would keep every *sshol*e from procreating. It takes more than the basics to parent. It takes heart, soul, and patience. Their needs first, your (not as you your, but genrally speaking) animalistic urges second. You have to have a license to hunt, fish, drive, hell to even own a business, but not to have and raise children. Proof is my cousin, that's why her child is with me.

[child_of_isis]

Now you stay with this. Don't you budge not for one second. Not one second, I tell ya!

 

It'll be tricky for a few days, but I think you will revert back to the mindset of NC pretty quickly because you have had some practice.

 

Do not check to see if he has called or mailed. That is dangerous stuff.

 

Block him if you are truly serious.

 

 

Phone off....messages unheard....e-mails not read....I will not be reading or listening to anything, and he has tried. .

[whichwayisup]

Why is being a good parent so important in choice of a lover?

 

Well, first off, he's married .... Enough said.

[cybersister]

your relationship is with MM not wifey.

He is the one you need to persuade.

Yes you might split them up , but that does not mean you get him for yourself.

If you are really desperate to get them apart ( remembering that the mistress marrying her lover is creating a vacancy) .. then do it by showing him he can have a bettter life with you...

Show him in what ways you are more desirable than his wife.

Not more immature and unbalaanced, which is, I am afraid how you are coming across.

Which I guess leads me to your relationship with yourself. You know you deserve better.

Why not let go of this mess and find something better ?

[OWoman]

Well, first off, he's married .... Enough said.

 

It matters that he's a good parent because he's married? So, anyone who marries must be a good parent material - whether or not they every choose to breed? And whether or not they choose to spread the lurve outside the confines of their marital bonds?

 

When I choose a lover, I look at the inherent requirements of the job -

 

1. must be a sizzling hot lover
   
2. must share an agenda - want what I want from it
   
3. must be available as and when I need or want
   
4. must not be an axe murderer, accountant, sportsman, insurance salesman, drag queen, drug dealer, drug addict, whack job (oh wait, I already covered that under "accountant"), dentist, IT guy, or any of the other bad stuff
   

Parenting skills are not on there - and might even be in conflict with no 3.

 

Depends on what you're after, I guess. If I wanted someone to mow my lawn and raise my spawn, I'd have very different criteria.

[spinningwheels]

Hey all...back from a great day of movies dinner and drinks with friends.

 

I never asked him to choose me over his child. I encouraged him to take his child on a seperate trip the following week/weekend/month whatever. I think that spending time with his child is fantastic! I would never try to stop time with his child. Ever. I just wanted him to spend that time with his child alone.

 

Doesn't matter anymore...moving on from him.

[NewSunrise]

This is the most bizarre post, comical, sad and pathetic in so many ways. I exclusively read poster's replies and it was like listening to a sportscaster narrate a play by play scenario, except it's all about the wife, family vacation, wife hacking into emails, etc.

 

Spinning, exactly what is it that you wish from this MM? That he complies with the Oct 1 deadline? If the dude hasn't started packing two months or three years ago, what makes you think he's going to in 2 1/2 weeks? Hello? Anybody home?

 

What is disturbing is you seem to have explicit knowledge, an obsession, of every details and going ons with this MM's family as if you were a fly on the wall in their home. You are so engrossed in setting your standards of "no compromise" but in reality you have compromised by simply being in an affair. And now you're pissed because your expectations of YOUR envisioned outcome isn't going as planned? So what do you do? You act like an immature spoiled child, throws a temper tantrum and makes threats. You've threatened that if the MM goes off on his vacation you'd go off and sleep with someone you've known? And for any cheater or not, ya think they're gonna want to leave their comfort zone for someone who is willing to double cheat out of spite and revenge? And you actually think you're ready for committment?

 

I encouraged him to take his child on a seperate trip the following week/weekend/month whatever...I just wanted him to spend that time with his child alone.

This isn't your job. You are not the child's parent. Do you honestly think that he is such an unfit father that he is not qualified to do such a thing?

 

Did you expect that this MM would just turn off the switch from being a father and a husband which by the way still is and just waltz into your life as easily as you think?

 

If you were the wife, would you subject your child with what you have done so far? Your obsession with the wife and purposely disrupting that family is the cruelest thing anyone can ever do to another human being. It's one thing to fvkc around with the BW's H, but purposely inflicting more pain on her regardless of the situation is just down right low and cruel.

 

Reread your replies. Venting is one thing. But you are so full of anger and hostility towards the wife and your MM's choices that you can't see beyond it. All you see is you and how you have become the victim.

 

My only advise is seek help. Since you are very good in research and seems gainly employed full time, most insurance will cover counseling with $15-30 copay. If counseling isn't your cup of tea, read "In the Meantime" by Anyala Vanzant which gives deep insights as to why we are where we are. Great book to have and keep.

 

Good luck spinning. Stop spinning for awhile. Adjust. Readjust. At some point, you'll have to stop spinning your wheels otherwise you'll burn them and fly off course. You're already beyond this point. Time to put on new wheels.

[Trimmer]

I never asked him to choose me over his child.

Good to hear, because this statement kinda had that feel to it:

If you really loved somone you would losse the 200 bucks and tell your kid to have fun, hell, even give them some extra for fun!!! But stay back and have a hell of of a vacation with the person you said you loved.

 

 

Why is being a good parent so important in choice of a lover? If what you're looking for is a lover, rather than the potential parent of your unborn (or step-parent of your existing) children, why is that person's capacity or orientation towards parenting remotely important?

I don't think anyone was saying you should preferentially pick a good parent as a lover, any more than anyone would say you should pick a married person as a lover. The point is, if you do pick a parent as a lover, it shouldn't be a mysterious surprise if they prioritize their parenting over their romance with you at times (just the same as if you pick a married person as a lover, it shouldn't come as a surprise if they prioritize their marrige...)

 

Doesn't matter anymore...moving on from him.

Seems like that might be best for you. Best of luck.

[NewSunrise]

Doesn't matter anymore...moving on from him.

Even if you choose to move on, you might want to consider getting some help even if it's just by reading to deal with some of the deeper issues.

 

Easier for human nature to cover up deep seeded issues by simply moving on. Part of coping and defense mechanisms drenced with self denial. If we don't take the time to deal with them head on and understand the hows and whys, these habits will stick their ugly horns out again down the road.

 

Good luck.

[Ms. Red]

way off base...

I never asked him to choose me over his child. I encouraged him to take his child on a seperate trip the following week/weekend/month whatever. I think that spending time with his child is fantastic! I would never try to stop time with his child. Ever. I just wanted him to spend that time with his child alone.

 

Not way off base. You didn't understand my post. A child adores to have both Mom & Dad spend time with them together. It's a good thing that MM understands that better than you do & didn't put up with your Bull$hit demands.

 

Doesn't matter anymore...moving on from him.

 

Yeah, until next week. We've heard it before. We shall see. Of course, when you do go back, I'm sure you won't be posting here unless you come up with a new user name.

[whichwayisup]

And you actually think you're ready for committment?

 

Actually the question should be, is this MM ready for ANY kind of committment. It seems he is a serial cheater, has had other OW before. His current wife used to be his OW, and now he's cheating on her.

 

Spinning, even if you DO end up with this man, you're not thinking long term. What if you DO end up being his wife? How could you trust him? His past behaviour mirrors his present behaviour. When life gets tough, he does what he knows - To cheat.

[NewSunrise]

Actually the question should be, is this MM ready for ANY kind of committment. It seems he is a serial cheater, has had other OW before. His current wife used to be his OW, and now he's cheating on her.

We already know any MM/MW who cheats don't know what committment is. They take off running when the tough gets going because it's easier.

 

The question is specifically directed at her, a "tit-for-tat" behavior for a lack of better word as in "if you did that, I'll do this".

[OWoman]

We already know any MM/MW who cheats don't know what committment is. They take off running when the tough gets going because it's easier.

 

So, living with, and being faithful to, someone for 30 years is not a demonstration of commitment? Gosh, I'd have said otherwise. I guess my MM, my father, and many of my friends and colleagues who led drudge boring monogamous lives for decades before finally succumbing never knew toughness or difficulty until that first inkling of temptation, then. (Good insulation they must have had - they should issue it as standard to all newly-weds!)

[spinningwheels]

I agree with everyone who says that he is not to be trusted even if he was with me! That is why I didn't fully commit to him when he asked for a final chance, and it is why I can walk away with ease this time.

 

Mrs. Red, I've belonged here for a few years, although I don't post often. I always tell the truth, good and bad. I would not come back with a different screen name. I really don't have the time to even try to play that game. If I want to share something, I'm not ashamed! I don't know anyone personally here, so what would I be embarrassed about? I really don't care enough to think about what strangers think of me. I come here it be unkown, and get feedback from people not personally involved.

 

Another great day with friends and family, dinner plans tomorrow. And, by the way...his wife and child are on vacation...he is still at home and not at work....I do listen to messages...but I don't care, I still believe he will join them later this week. ppfftt..