I feel like an idiot. I keep having mad crushes on men who don't know I exist

[Cybele1986]

I'm 22. I've never dated or had a boyfriend. I don't really have any friends, but for some friendly ex-roommates and a couple of guyfriends I'll sit down and chat with. I've just graduated from university. I've been told I'm attractive by several men. I love clothes and am pretty fastidious about the way I dress. I can be pretty outspoken, and have a strong silly streak.

 

My problem is that I keep having these mad crushes on guys who don't know I exist or with whom I simply become friends. Since I was never romantically attracted to any guy in high school, my sudden interest in specific men threw me off guard. There have been three so far. The first was in the earlier part of 3rd year. He had an absorbing and frenetic energy about him. He was funny and liked to talk about big ideas. Nothing happened but we still talk via e-mail. The second came later that year. He was sweet, and complimented me on my intelligence and style, somewhat puppylike in his face and demeanor. The third was just last year, a quickwitted, modest, and poised guy from a socially prominent family. I ended up obsessing over them for months without really knowing anything about them. They all have several things in common:tall, goodlooking, dark-haired, well-dressed, well-spoken, intelligent, and ambitious, so at least I know I'm consistant.

 

I really want to stop being so juvenile about relationships and men. I mean, I'm not shy and can hold a conversation with just about anyone I want, but I feel so crippled in such situations, and even more so when then men necessarily drift out of my life, and I still obsess over them. I suspect that men I know have been attracted to me (though not necessarily the ones to whom I'm attracted) but I really cannot tell. The only girls with whom I have confidence don't run in my social circles. I don't pursue things on my own because I'm unsure whether these men have girlfriends, and don't want to make an idiot out of myself by assuming they don't. I always wonder how it can be so easy for other girls. I feel like I'm up the creek without a paddle in the entire world of adult relationships. It's even got to the point where my parents are beginning to worry that I'll end of alone, since my younger sisters are both attached. Does anyone have any idea how to move from an attraction to something more when guy #4 waltzes into my life, or at least how to get over an impossible crush?

[High Plains Drifter]

I'm 22. I've never dated or had a boyfriend. I don't really have any friends, .....Does anyone have any idea how to move from an attraction to something more when guy #4 waltzes into my life, or at least how to get over an impossible crush?

 

22?

 

I think you oughta adopt about 50 cats, or grow a backbone.

 

Ask a guy out, for christssakes.

[Enema]

I don't pursue things on my own because I'm unsure whether these men have girlfriends, and don't want to make an idiot out of myself by assuming they don't.

 

There's your problem. You never know if you never ever go.

 

No one will ever think you're an idiot for cracking onto someone you didn't know had a girlfriend.

 

The guy will be flattered, you'll know for sure and your crush may evaporate as soon as you know he's unavailable.

[ed-205]

You aren't alone in getting these "crushes". Whenever I feel a sudden infatuation for a woman, it's generally a pretty shallow feeling based on (as you said) a subset of features that I find attractive in any woman, she simply happens to possess most or all of them.

I find the quickest way to get over it is to:

 

1) Avoid her for at least a few days until the strength of the feeling subsides,

2) Make an effort to get to know her as a friend - That in itself usually kills the infatuation,

3) Focus on something that I find annoying about her. It could be anything, the shape of her nose, the sound of her laugh, maybe she has a slightly cast-eye, anything about her that just bugs the heck out of me if I pay too much attention to it.

 

After a short while, the "crush" feeling just goes away. She is no longer that "Perfect Woman" that I first thought she was, and I can feel "normal" around her.

The point is that if those three simple steps "kill" the feelings of attraction that I had, then it wasn't an honest attraction to her at all, just a shallow feeling of desire.

 

The best part about it is that we usually remain friends afterward, and I can stop torturing myself with my brain chemistry.

[donnamorta]

If you've recently graduated from college then I would say you're probably just in a tough time. I too just graduated from Appalachian State, which is in a little mountain town where the people are their own breed. Now, living somewhere else I've found it tough to meet people and especially hard to find someone to be friends with or have a relationship with.

 

If you have a crush on a guy who doesn't know you exist, then it's not a crush. It's just a flag going off in your head that makes your nerves flare up and gives you a sense of "if we were together, then..."

 

If you have a crush, a real crush, then the guy will know you exist because he will feel the same way for you.