Arcanum Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 It's me again with the past issues again. It keeps going from good to bad and back again. But for the last few days I have been in a serious funk. I cannot stop crying trying to figure out which guy is right. The one he always has been right up until weeks of meeting me or the guy he is now. Does it getter before it gets worse. Can anyone help? I feel like my heart is breaking Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 It's me again with the past issues again. It keeps going from good to bad and back again. But for the last few days I have been in a serious funk. I cannot stop crying trying to figure out which guy is right. The one he always has been right up until weeks of meeting me or the guy he is now. Does it getter before it gets worse. Can anyone help? I feel like my heart is breaking if you're still seeing the two guys then you haven't yet accepted everything. those two guys have to become one in your mind, because he is BOTH guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arcanum Posted September 10, 2008 Author Share Posted September 10, 2008 Then I don't know how to cope with the side of him that doesn't fit. Link to post Share on other sites
onlyicansee Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I feel for you Arcanum, I know your whole story, I have read all your posts, and it sucks because your in the same boat as myself. AAlike, same with you... I have read a lot of what you have written, and about your problem with your girls "isolated incident"... Personally, I think we would all be better off if our partners just lied to us about their past. Seriously, would it matter? If they were clean, then lieing to me would be the optimum choice for me, personally. I would rather a piece of mind and a healthy relationship than knowing that our lovers were sluts... Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Then I don't know how to cope with the side of him that doesn't fit. because that "side of him" is your creation. Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I feel for you Arcanum, I know your whole story, I have read all your posts, and it sucks because your in the same boat as myself. AAlike, same with you... I have read a lot of what you have written, and about your problem with your girls "isolated incident"... Personally, I think we would all be better off if our partners just lied to us about their past. Seriously, would it matter? If they were clean, then lieing to me would be the optimum choice for me, personally. I would rather a piece of mind and a healthy relationship than knowing that our lovers were sluts... While I appreciate the sympathy, I really do think that I have moved past this issue. and part of that involves not singling it out as an "isolated incident" anymore - not in my own head, nor as a vehicle of "ultimate judgement" or something like that. I just have simply chalked it up to, as another person has so accurtely said in another thread, my girlfriend likes sex and therefore has had a sexual past, and that past as a whole is irrelevant to me. I mean, to some extent, yes, we are going to be jealous of pasts in relationships, that's the way it goes...my GF and I regularly go out to a place that every once in a while an old casual hookup of mine from college over ten years ago pops up at. she's married now (and usually comes with her husband), I don't really talk to her much (oddly enough I talk to her husband more), and I don't even remember anything about hooking up with her other than the fact that it happened. unfortunately though, I did tell my GF that we had hooked up in the past (she asked) and I can tell that it bothers her when she's around even though I am so, so, SO past it...however, there's really no way for me to convey that to her. so yeah, some jealousy is natural - but the 24/7 obsession, that's certainly not. would it be better if we didn't know our partners pasts? well, I guess that it depends. as many have pointed out, obviously a person's past is a good starting point when evaluating that person, especially when you first meet them as it's all that you have to go on. Therefore, if you know in your head that a certain type of sexual past would be a deal breaker in the same vein that being a cheater, a liar, having conflicting religious beliefs, etc. would, then you should certainly establish that at the outset. However, if you are asking just out of general curiousity, then you need to realize that the emotional impact of the knowledge that you will gain might be a lot more powerful than you're anticipating. it's very strange because sex itself, especially casual sex, is so finite - it's such an "in the moment" thing...I mean, I know at least with myself, that in the most casual of my escapades (i.e. the college hookups or whatever), I generally lost interest in both the moment and the person about ten seconds after it was over (and oftentimes during it, actually - lol). so yeah, when we're obsessing over this and trying to get this detailed explanation of something so finite to the actual participant, we're always going to be disappointed by the explanation. so basically, I think that's what it comes down to. If you NEED to know your partner's past due to some set parameters that you adhere to, then yes, you should ask. however, if you don't or aren't sure, I think that the potential risks of getting the answers far outweigh the benefits, and those answers might change your perception of your SO in unexpected ways. Link to post Share on other sites
onlyicansee Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I dont mean to hijack this thread here, or go off topic, but in all honesty what does it matter if you are lied to about your so's sexual past? You will never know the truth, and does it really matter that you think your lover had 3 partners when they really had 30? As long as they are clean, and not sexually causing problems (like cheating, etc), then would you really want to know that your special lady had gave her most intimate part of her body up to 30 people? Or would you rather just live a happy mindset thinking she had given it up to 3 serious relationships? That magic number, as most of us know, does not change the person physically or mentally from what we have initially gotten to know them by. The only thing that changes is us, the reciprocate. We view our lovers differently based on the #, when really if you change the number from 1-1000 the person is still the same. Its purely my problem, but the thing is if its a problem for me, its a problem for her as well. So, all this can be avoided if they were to just lie. I would have no offense to that what so ever, as long as they dont slip up and come clean... Ever... Link to post Share on other sites
FLOWERSTARS Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 What exactly is it that concerns you? Is it that you are afraid he is not the type to be faithful? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts