qtkat31 Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I'm new, after reading all the great advice everyone is giving I just had to join and post my situation to see if I could get some thoughts from everyone. Anyway, My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2yrs. He is a very slow mover and with that I mean, it took him a year and a half for him to fall in love with me or at least thats how long it took him to tell me. He is 27 and I am 31. I have a 5yr old son from an abusive previous marriage. It took my bf over a year to start coming around my son and it's all b/c he wanted to make sure this relationship was going somewhere before we got my son involved. I totally agreed with that 100%. I broke my ankle in May so my bf stayed with us to help take care of me and my son which I thought was a huge step and was VERY sweet of him. During his stay with me he started talking about us getting married and wanted to get my input on the subject. I was thrilled!! I have never met anyone like him in my life, he is the sweetest most thoughtful man I have ever met and I love him with all my heart! We even started looking at rings. He mentioned this to his family and everyone agreed that we should get married except for his grandmother. He lives with her (bc she's widowed) and when he started staying with my son and me b/c i had broken my leg, he went home one evening to check on her and she made the comment "You're not getting married are you?" Now that my leg has healed he still comes and stays with me a few days a week. Over the weekend he and I were talking about somethings and he has always wanted to get into a sport that would take lots of time and $$ and while in this conversation he also said that he needed to do this before he got married. That made me think that I was not in his top priorities and it really hurt my feelings alot so I mentioned that to him. He said I was indeed at the top of his priority list but we're in no rush to get married. Now a few months ago he couldn't wait to get married and that's all he talked about. Am I missing something here? What has changed? Did I do something to change his mind or is he just being immature and putting these things he wants to do in front of me? Is it his grandmother? Something I didn't mention earlier, He owns his own business and is very smart with money etc. His grandmother has lots of $ and if he ever needs anything he knows that she will help him. I know that he worries about his grandmother and her being by herself but am I supposed to put my life on hold b/c of her? I hope that doesn't sound selfish b/c that's definitely not what I mean but what am I supposed to do? Anyone with any advice would greatly be appreciated and I'm sorry for this being so long! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I bet old grandma said more than "you're not going to get married are you?" to him. She probably doesn't think anyone is good enough for him. As far as him wanting to do this time consuming, expensive sport before getting married - ummm......I think that's okay because I would rather he do this now than after we are married. I would just take it slow and see what happens unless you are in a hurry to get married. Are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author qtkat31 Posted September 10, 2008 Author Share Posted September 10, 2008 I'm not in a huge hurry so No but I don't want to have another kid at 40 either. I've made him aware of that as well. I'm laughing my butt off at the old grandma comment!! That was too funny!! Although she and I really do get along very well, I bet she does say somethings when I'm not around to try and change his mind! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 but I don't want to have another kid at 40 either. I've made him aware of that as well. It certainly does sound like grandma has some significant influence. I guess her concern might be that she'd be put in a retirement facility if/when he gets married. 31 is a long way from 40, so I wouldn't even put that on the table as a reason for hurrying things along. (Does he want a biological child? Perhaps there is some compromise available, if you guys explored what he would see as the "latest" age for you to get pregnant? For example, if he says '38' and you feeli '34', perhaps you can suggest 36 will be an acceptable compromise FOR BOTH.) His desire to fulfill a dream of his before he gets married has nothing to do with his future bride, really. And besides, he does get to make SOME of his individual life dreams a priority in his life...the same as you do. It doesn't mean that you don't also highly value your husband or future husband, when you do that. Bottom line is that he probably feels a certain level of responsibility/obligation to Grandma, and he sounds like a person who takes such things very seriously (which is a good thing! .) So that's really fine if you (both) can find ways to keep everyone happy, as things relates to her. If not, it would be asking him to choose...and his choice will depend so much on family dynamics and patterns that have been programmed into him probably since birth. Those are always tricky for a 'family outsider' to navigate. Best of luck -- wishing all of you a long and happy life together. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine11 Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 I agree with the above posters--I wouldn't be too worried. Men don't tend to feel ready to settle down till they hit the big 3-0, anyway. With that said, have you both talked at all about integrating your families? Like having Grandma live with you all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author qtkat31 Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 We did kinda discuss that in the beginning and I have no problem whatsoever having his grandmother live with us if we were to get married. The problem is, she (the grandmother) has already told him that there's only room for her and for him not to even think about bringing another woman in her house! She would never live with us either, she's just that hard headed! So she's the one that wont budge and I can tell that she's saying more and more to him as time passes. Just this past weekend we were at his grandmothers as we had taken her out to eat with us, when we got back to her house he was getting some clothes together to come spend the night at my house and she says, Where are you going? He told her that he was staying at my house so she starts with the comments...Comments like, When someone comes in and kidnaps me what are you gonna do? and things like that...saying one day he's gonna come home and she's not gonna be there...I mean, come on, it's obvious what she's doing...Does anyone agree with what I'm saying? What do you do in this situation? I mean, there comes a time when Grandma needs to let go!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't said a word to him nor her and I probably never will but it's really aggravating!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine11 Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 It definitely sounds like you're in a sticky, and frustrating, spot. I wonder if he'd be open to talking about it. Something like, "You know, I know we've talked about marriage, and I see how close you and your Grandmother are. I really like her--she has always been so nice to me, but I feel like for some reason she might feel threatened by me. And I have no idea what your [his] perspective is. What do you think would be the best way to compromise in this situation, so that your grandmother feels safe, you and I have a functional, and fair, relationship, and you feel like you're happy with both your relationship with her and with me? And what can I do so as to help your grandmother feel more comfortable with your relationships with the both of us?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author qtkat31 Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Sunshine, are you a therapist? Lol You are so much help and I certainly do Thank You for helping me look at the bright side! You really have made me feel better and you've told me exactly what I need to say. I'm definitely gonna use your advice! Thanks So Much!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine11 Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 Haha. Therapist, no. I'm in the health profession, if that counts. I'm glad you're feeling more at ease with the situation--let me know how things go Link to post Share on other sites
Author qtkat31 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Share Posted October 27, 2008 ok..just a quick little update...My boyfriend has been talking about us getting a house near his grandmother and we actually went to look at a house over the weekend..We talk about everything and there's nothing that we don't discuss...he even said that we could go to the JP and get married yesterday (meaning he'd do it now) but he knows that I'd like to have a very small wedding...and he's fine with that...but what i'm wondering is, what is he waiting on as far as a proposal goes?? His grandmother is still up to her little comments about him getting married and about him not being there with her all the time but I really think he's ready to do this, yet I just don't know how much longer and it's driving me crazy thinking about it. I don't say anything to him bc I don't want to seem like i'm rushing things but come on with it already!! Think it could still be the issue with his grandmother? Anyone that can help would greatly be appreciated...Thanks so much!! Link to post Share on other sites
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