Suddenly Sexless!!

[Margaret]

I posted a message several weeks ago regarding my three and a half year relationship with my wonderful boyfriend, in which everything was close to perfect with the exception of his unreadiness to marry. He speaks frequently about getting married, continues to tell me that I'm the one he wants to be with, etc., etc., but he's just "not yet ready". Totally Confused was extremely helpful to me with this issue, and basically encouraged me to stop the pressure for a while and give him a little more time. That he should arrive at the decision on his own without my pressure, and that it sounded like he was headed in that direction. Well, something new has happened since; he now wants to stop having sex! Allow me to elaborate.

 

My boyfriend is a Catholic who has become more and more religious over the past year. He feels very good about his increasing spirituality, and I support this, overall. He now attends Mass several times a week, and once again started going to Confession. I guess the Priest really let him have it about having premarital relations, because several weeks ago, my boyfriend dropped the bomb that we should refrain from intercourse. Initially, I expressed my support of this, mainly because I felt it would never stick. We did "relapse" once since then. After that incident, my boyfriend told me that perhaps we should stop "sleeping together" (which we generally do several times weekly) because it becomes too "tempting".

 

Yesterday, I asked him how long he thinks we will go. His response was "until we marry", so I asked when he thinks that will be (I hadn't even mentioned marriage since my posting on this site several weeks back). His response "about a year or so", which makes me assume that an engagement is imminent. However, a year is a LONG TIME!!

 

Let me add this. My boyfriend has tended to be more interested in sex in the time we've been together than I have. While I am happy with intimacy several times weekly, he has always wanted it daily, if not several times a day. So this is a big change. Also, I don't have a doubt in my mind that this is directly related to his religious beliefs. There is no chance that this is related to an issue such as infidelity or lack of sexual desire towards me. I know you should never say never, but I am certain this is not the case.

 

I don't know if I really have a question, or if I just needed to vent about this. There is no question as to whether to stay with him or not. I love him, respect him, and support him. I continue to want a future with him. We have similar goals, morals, and values (although his tend to be a LITTLE more strict than mine, obviously). I guess perhaps I am looking for some insight or suggestions as to how to deal with this for a year (or longer). Sure, I know pleasuring myself is always an option, but that's not what I'm referring to. How to suddenly be around my long-time boyfriend with whom I've shared a healthy, satisfying, sexual life with, and refrain? How to still feel sexy and beautiful with him, without the sex act. I would love to hear from others (if they exist!) who have been through this, and how they dealt. I guess it would have been easier if sex was taboo from the beginning, because I wouldn't know what I'm missing!! This is tough, but I do want to get through it. Your input or suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you. (Sorry this was so long).

[Tony T]

It looks like you will have to do without sex for a while to ensure your fiance a greater place in heaven. It sounds like any challenge to his renewed spirituality could seriously jeopardize the relationship.

 

What you really need to look at closely is that his recent spiritual pursuit seems to be absent of you. He has taken a path apart and separate from you. Generally, couples who are very close and contemplating marriage would embark on such an avid dedication to God together. You don't seem to be included in this. Well, OK, let him do his thing.

 

Now if he is making such a radical change in his religious behavior, which of the other areas of his life is he contemplating changing at this time? Will his sudden rededication to his Church translate into some sort of religious fanaticism that could adversely affect other aspects of the relationship. If you like sexy movies, talking to psychics, wearing bikinis, clubbing and dancing around the town, these and many other activities can become taboo if he takes it to the limit.

 

I know many Catholics who engage in premarital and even extramarital sex. Many married Catholics also snub the Pope and take birth control. Although I have never understood how religion entered the realm of premarital sex, I still believe that it is an expression of love and closeness and there is nothing evil about it as long as it is between two consenting, single, rational, sane, healthy adults.

 

If you stay with this man and he keeps taking his direction from the priest, you will have to learn creative means of birth control or understand that sex is primarily for the procreation of the species.

 

If I were you, I would worry that in a few more months, he may reveal to you his desire to enter the priesthood.

[Nicky]

It looks like you will have to do without sex for a while to ensure your fiance a greater place in heaven. It sounds like any challenge to his renewed spirituality could seriously jeopardize the relationship. What you really need to look at closely is that his recent spiritual pursuit seems to be absent of you. He has taken a path apart and separate from you. Generally, couples who are very close and contemplating marriage would embark on such an avid dedication to God together. You don't seem to be included in this. Well, OK, let him do his thing. Now if he is making such a radical change in his religious behavior, which of the other areas of his life is he contemplating changing at this time? Will his sudden rededication to his Church translate into some sort of religious fanaticism that could adversely affect other aspects of the relationship. If you like sexy movies, talking to psychics, wearing bikinis, clubbing and dancing around the town, these and many other activities can become taboo if he takes it to the limit. I know many Catholics who engage in premarital and even extramarital sex. Many married Catholics also snub the Pope and take birth control. Although I have never understood how religion entered the realm of premarital sex, I still believe that it is an expression of love and closeness and there is nothing evil about it as long as it is between two consenting, single, rational, sane, healthy adults. If you stay with this man and he keeps taking his direction from the priest, you will have to learn creative means of birth control or understand that sex is primarily for the procreation of the species. If I were you, I would worry that in a few more months, he may reveal to you his desire to enter the priesthood.

Hi,

 

I don't know why, but there's something about your problem, that makes me feel quite uneasy. I guess it's because a "third party" appears to have entered your relationship, and is dictating changes, which affect the two of you. Also, to some extent you now have to go back to the drawing-board. You have to look at whether you are still compatible, and want the same things.

 

Your BF is quite entitled to his feelings, but he doesn't seem to have had much regard for yours. It seems to have been a case of "like it or lump it". And it is about a very important area of your life. Has your BF discussed ways in which he will replace the intimacy between you, now you are no longer having sex? Has he discussed the impact of this on you? Will it weaken your relationship? I personally would find it immensely difficult!!!

 

Also Tony makes a very valid point (as always!), what about when you're married? Will he want to use contraception then? Or are you quite happy to have 12 kids anyway??? If you do have kids, how will they be raised?

 

I think you now need to have a talk about how exactly things will work in your life, now that he has changed some fundamentals. You may also want to have a wider discussion about what you can and can't accept in Catholicism. I sense you may not have seen the limits of his fervour. He appears to be making decisions by himself, about things which have a large impact on the two of you. I think you should let him know you have a voice, and ensure that your voice will be heard. You will be equals in your marriage, no? And if your marriage to him became impossible, would he let you divorce him???

[Margaret]

Thank you so much for your responses, Tony and Nicky. You both brought up some extremely valid points, things that I had not even considered. This is all so new for me and our relationship, that I was focused only on the sex issue, and not really considering other important issues that may have potentially changed. The birth control issue, for one, is something we will definetly need to discuss (no, three children max is plenty for me!!) See, I started on birth control pills when he and I started sleeping together three years ago, and he has always supported this. He has never mentioned being against this, but then again, we haven't discussed it recently.

 

Also, Tony, I think you bring up a great point when you say that he appears to be doing this separate from me. That is partially true, but not mainly due to him. I attend Sunday mass with him (as I have for years) and engage in prayer with him before meals, etc. But, at this point in my life, that's all I have the desire to do. I am so wrapped up with other things in my life right now; a demanding job, finishing up graduate school, etc., that I really don't have the time to take on another big initiative in my life. But then again, I realize that if the motivation was there, I would find the time. He continues to try to encourage me to walk this path with him, and I do to a degree, and that seems to be enough to satisfy both him and me (at least at this point in time).

 

Our relationship has always been close to equal, from my perspective. I have never really sensed before that he was just making decisions without my input that had a dramatic impact on our relationship. Historically, he has always asked for my input on issues and held them in high regard when making important decisions. But this one does concern me. Although he has not said "no sex or we can't be together", I wonder what would happen if I resist? I am so glad I made this post, and that the two of you responded. It is almost as if my focus has shifted since I read your responses. Perhaps I can deal with the lack of sex more than I can deal with the thought that he is not respecting my needs and desires. We have always had open lines of communication, so I do plan to discuss this with him. Thank you again.

 

P.S. Tony, don't think I hadn't already considered the priesthood thing! In fact, not too long ago, he mentioned that he at one point in his life considered becoming a priest but knew he couldn't deal with the celibacy issue. Well, now he's not having sex....!

Hi, I don't know why, but there's something about your problem, that makes me feel quite uneasy. I guess it's because a "third party" appears to have entered your relationship, and is dictating changes, which affect the two of you. Also, to some extent you now have to go back to the drawing-board. You have to look at whether you are still compatible, and want the same things.

 

Your BF is quite entitled to his feelings, but he doesn't seem to have had much regard for yours. It seems to have been a case of "like it or lump it". And it is about a very important area of your life. Has your BF discussed ways in which he will replace the intimacy between you, now you are no longer having sex? Has he discussed the impact of this on you? Will it weaken your relationship? I personally would find it immensely difficult!!! Also Tony makes a very valid point (as always!), what about when you're married? Will he want to use contraception then? Or are you quite happy to have 12 kids anyway??? If you do have kids, how will they be raised? I think you now need to have a talk about how exactly things will work in your life, now that he has changed some fundamentals. You may also want to have a wider discussion about what you can and can't accept in Catholicism. I sense you may not have seen the limits of his fervour. He appears to be making decisions by himself, about things which have a large impact on the two of you. I think you should let him know you have a voice, and ensure that your voice will be heard. You will be equals in your marriage, no? And if your marriage to him became impossible, would he let you divorce him???