Cheating girlfriend while deployed? Long Story

[away from home]

I wish I could give you a short version of this but I believe that the background could be important to form a fair opinion. I am currently on my first deployment to Iraq after returning from a few years on recruiting duty. While on recruiting duty I met a wonderful girl that would eventually move with me to my current duty station. She left the comfort of her family and friends behind when she decided to come along and she is also 8 years younger than me. We lived together for 2 years prior to the move and I left for my deployment 6 months after. I have been deployed now for a little over 6 months and things have been as good as can be expected up until this point. I call as often as I can and talk on the computer just about everyday. We always talk about how much we love/miss each other and almost never have any type of disagreement. She hasn't been there long so I understand that she is extremely lonely (which she tells me everyday). I give her as much space as I can in my current situation. I have always been relatively trusting and encouraged her to spend time with her new girlfriends. She would go out to have a few drinks with the girls usually once on the weekend but I would always talk to her when she arrived safely at home. Everything has been fine up until one day last week. She had a party to attend at one of the local bars in our area. She was with 3 of her new girlfriends and around quite a few others that she knew. I called her at or around midnight that night and we talked very briefly because she was still out. She asked me to call back later that morning when she got home. I could already tell that she had a little too much to drink and asked her to go home earlier but she insisted that she was fine. On or about 2:30am, I tried to call her again but did not get an answer. This was the first time in 6 months that we had not talked after her night out and you can imagine what was going through my head. I finally talked to her the next day at about 10:30am. I asked her what had happened and she said that she didn't hear my calls and was home around 3:30am. She can't call me and It is not always easy for me to call her at certain times. I always ask about her night and usually in detail. After she tells me about the night I start asking a lot of questions because some things just don't add up. Within minutes she gives me the complete story. She had been introduced to one of her friend's brother and spent most of the night talking to and dancing with him. She told me that she was unable to drive so he took her to his place. She starts to cry and ask if I am going to leave her but continues the explanation. I asked for every detail so I know exactly how things went down. There was kissing and fondling but nothing more because she realized what she was doing is wrong and not what she wants. He stopped, went to his bedroom and she stayed on the couch until morning when he drove her back to the car. I, by no means have been the perfect man but I have never cheated. There were other things when we first met that could give reason for concern but never happened. What I am having problems with is reasons why this happened one week before I came home? How to go about moving past it? I really love her and we have talked about marriage for awhile but now I am really unsure how to trust again. I don't really want to talk to people that we know personally about this because I don't want them to think any less of her. She has been really strong considering the situation she is in until now. It was extremely rough on her without me there because she had never been without the support network of her family. If someone does that even when they are intoxicated, can they really care? I go back in one week and want to work through things but I am unsure how seeing her for the first time after will feel. She says that she doesn't know why she allowed it to get that far but with the drinks and the fun she was having things just kind of happened. She seems truly sorry for what happened and said that she will never go out again while I am away. Thank you for your time and any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

[auctionchase]

Dear troop,

 

I stumpled along your post while looking for a blog. Of course, I had to register so that I can tell you to hang in there! I have been married for 22 years to my husband. I did something like your girlfriend did a long time ago. I too, did as your girlfriend and I also told my husband. It was tough going but, we were able to work through it. We did marriage counseling and that helped. We had more underlying issues as well. Someone told my husband, if I did not love him, I would not have told him. I know deployments are hard on relationships but, I think you two care enough to work on it. Marriage is work, sometimes it is good and other times it is not. When you get home and settled maybe you two can go talk with someone. If she has apologized, accept it. It will take time to regain trust but, it can be done. If you both care for each other, you will make it.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone and there is hope.

 

Oh yea, thank you for your service, sacrifices and bravery for our country. You are my hero!

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but I would serious question this version of the story. She is drunk. She goes to this man's place at 3 in the morning. They proceed to kiss and fondle on the couch. In her drunken state she now realizes it is wrong. He then goes to his bedroom and she stays on the couch and goes to sleep? If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell to you. She is putting the best spin she can put on it. You can't possibly believe this story. I wish you luck my friend but it is almost totally certain that you do not have the full story. I wish you luck.

[bish]

The last thing one of our brave protectors need while deployed and risking his life is to worry about a cheating skank back home.

 

And I agree 100% with Bryanp

 

I know its always easier said than done, but dump the huss. You don't need this.

 

Side note: Kudos to you making the sacrifices for your country!!!

[AAlike]

yeah, there's no right answer for this one, unfortunately.

 

she made a huge mistake, and I am inclined to agree with Bryan and Bish that obviously you're supposed to know that this is wrong BEFORE you start anything, not during, and no "moment of weakness" or "I was too drunk" story is going to cancel that out. I was with a fair amount of women before meeting my current GF, and I go out without her at least once every other week (far less than I go out with her, but still), frequently having a fair amount of drinks, and not once does even the THOUGHT of doing something with another girl even enter my mind. in fact, my guy friends like her enough and know how serious we are that THEY probably wouldn't even let it happen even if she wasn't around. so at some point, there was probably a conscious decision made, and even if it "hit" her that it was wrong in the middle of it, it's not a very good sign.

 

however, as auctionchase has illustrated, it may be possible to get over it...but I think that there is quite a few people that wouldn't be able to or even want to. it all depends on how you view it, and some would argue that even the people that think that they've gotten over it never really do. you definitely need to put off the marriage talks though...that trust is not going to come back without a long, hard road ahead of you.

[bish]

yeah, there's no right answer for this one, unfortunately.

 

she made a huge mistake, and I am inclined to agree with Bryan and Bish that obviously you're supposed to know that this is wrong BEFORE you start anything, not during, and no "moment of weakness" or "I was too drunk" story is going to cancel that out. I was with a fair amount of women before meeting my current GF, and I go out without her at least once every other week (far less than I go out with her, but still), frequently having a fair amount of drinks, and not once does even the THOUGHT of doing something with another girl even enter my mind. in fact, my guy friends like her enough and know how serious we are that THEY probably wouldn't even let it happen even if she wasn't around. so at some point, there was probably a conscious decision made, and even if it "hit" her that it was wrong in the middle of it, it's not a very good sign.

 

however, as auctionchase has illustrated, it may be possible to get over it...but I think that there is quite a few people that wouldn't be able to or even want to. it all depends on how you view it, and some would argue that even the people that think that they've gotten over it never really do. you definitely need to put off the marriage talks though...that trust is not going to come back without a long, hard road ahead of you.

 

The other thing you have to consider is, how is he going to feel each time he has to be deployed? He doesn't need to worry whether or not some tart back home is riding the baloney pony while he is risking his life overseas.

 

Thats not the kind of thing our men/women in uniform need to be worrying about.

[theobserver]

This is a hard one and while we can all give advice it is ultimately up to you. Many soldiers both men and female deal with issues such as this to the point that it is expected.

 

It is possible that this is a clear sign she was not ready for this relationship, little to no support, had to make new friends and her man is away fighting for his country. Ok listen I can make all the excuses in the world for her she has a lot but does it excuse the "fondling". Yes I would agree that she has probably toned down what really happened it's human nature to do this.

 

Most likely with some pushing you will get the real story. She might if given a HJ,BJ or maybe just had sex with him. Can you forgive this? That's up to you.

 

 

Listen I can understand some men and women feeling lonely in a LDR or having a partner deployed who could well lets face it possibly might not make it home. It can be hard but usually you try to pick a partner that knows what's up is loyal and you try to keep communication up as much as possible. You have done this, you are doing as much as you can while away you even warned her while she was out about going home a very fair warning most would agree with.

 

Ok so she drives, could she not of taken a cab? Could one of her new friends not have helped her get home especially being new to the area? It may very well be possible her friend suggested her brother take your girlfriend home makes you wonder though did she tell her friends she HAD a boyfriend or had the thought crossed her mind? Nonetheless she chose to go with the guy, and also agreed to go to his place. Yeah that sounds smart... going home with a guy you just met, have been lets be honest flirting with all night harmless right?

 

Look unless your girlfriend is very dim I think you know what to do. She sounds like trouble. The issue here is she's out in a new place so I don't know if she's going to need assistance to return home or not (money wise) that's something you'll have to dicuss when you're home. I would be very wary of your girlfriend with now on the trust is gone and she only broke down because you broke down her cover story so she was willing to lie and told a half truth.

 

 

What does she get out of dating you I think this is important? Money? A nice home? What did she have before you? did she ever seem ready to actually settle down or were you the one mostly making the moves to secure the relationship and hopefully move onto marriage?

 

Best Of luck whatever happens.