Always involved in conflicts

[Antoinette]

I am a young, intelligent , hardworking, determined,single 26 year old with very high standards. My problem is I am often involved in conflicts with almost everyone my friends, family,coworkers,group members,any body. Whenever I get into these conflicts I alwyas regret them and I am always apologise to the point where I have been stereoptyped as someone who cannot get along ith people.

 

I believe I am a very loving person and I often feel that people are not usually as loving towards me. I feel that people don't love,care about or appreciate memost of the time. I get upset easily when things don't go the wayI think they should go. Sometimes I try to change to get along with people butit doesn't work.People say I like to give orders and have my own way and that is true. But usually whatI am suggesting is what is chosen in the long run anyway. To me all that time wasted in trial and error could have been avoided if they had just listened to me.

 

I also have a problem with people who cannot see things logically, and it annoys me to have to explain something so simple.I also tend to lose my friends or so called friends whenever I excell or get promoted above them .

 

Please, this is a problem that if I could solve itI would be the most beautiful person alive. I know it has to have something to do with me , because everyone can't be worng, but I just can't find out what is the problem with me. Please help me!

[Tony T]

You are in need of some industrial strength humility. Even though you are extremely smart and capable of running the entire planet single-handedly, you remind others of their shortcomings and are not likely to ever be popular with mere earthlings...unless you come down to earth.

 

Let's examine some of the statements in your post. I will cut and paste them exactly as you wrote them so there is not danger of misquoting and my comments will follow. I must forwarn you that my advice, evaluations, comments, etc., may not live up to your rigid standards of being absolutely correct but I think they are damned close.

 

1. "I get upset easily when things don't go the wayI think they should go."

 

***So it's your way or the highway? There are only a couple of people who would go for that attitude in a friend and they are both dead. Babies scream when they don't get their way but in normal development, they grow out of that phase and become more compromising...and people like them.

 

2. "I am always apologise to the point where I have been stereoptyped as someone who cannot get along ith people."

 

***Maybe you should take a hint here. I don't think it's a stereotype...I feel it's a fact.

 

3. "I feel that people don't love,care about or appreciate memost of the time."

 

***Your thoughts and feelings create your reality. Your attitude towards people makes them react the way they do.

 

4. "People say I like to give orders and have my own way and that is true."

 

***Oh, friends do love taking orders. There is nothing that endears one to others more than to demand you have your own way (being sarcastic). Even if your way is the best, why is it so important to you to have your way? As a matter of fact, there is no payoff whatsoever in your being right all the time in front of your friends. Give others a chance...even if they make mistakes. Go along for the ride, enjoy yourself, and make some friends!!!

 

5. "I also have a problem with people who cannot see things logically, and it annoys me to have to explain something so simple."

 

***Well, you've just eliminated the majority of humanity from your list of possible friends. Most people are illogical, at least some of the time. Humans often go with their feelings. Mr. Spock on Star Trek would have been a perfect friend for you...if you can see the logic in that.

 

6. "I also tend to lose my friends or so called friends whenever I excell or get promoted above them ."

 

***Frankly, I think you lose your friends well before then, and with little effort on your part. After all, to be in the presence of someone who is always absolutely correct about everything would make anybody nervous. I mean even Albert Einstein made mistakes sometimes.

 

7. "Please, this is a problem that if I could solve itI would be the most beautiful person alive"

 

***You can solve it...by being a little more human. Not giving your opinion so often. You may be right all the time but you are living a very lonely existence. And frankly, I think if you were right all the time you wouldn't be having this problem.

 

HASN'T ANYBODY EVER SAT DOWN WITH YOU AND EXPLAINED THAT YOUR ARE A POMPOUS KNOW=IT-ALL AND NOBODY WILL EVER LIKE YOU UNLESS YOU CHANGE THAT ASPECT OF YOUR PERSONALITY???

 

8. "I know it has to have something to do with me , because everyone can't be worng, but I just can't find out what is the problem with me."

 

***Well, you are RIGHT AND WRONG at the same time here. You are wrong that the problem has something to do with you because it has EVERYTHING to do with you!!!

 

I truly believe you are sincere in wanting people to like you. Everybody does. But usually through our socialization process, as we grow, we learn what works and what does not. If you were absolutely right about everything, you would have learned that people are repulsed by a know it all and extremely attracted to people who are humble, like themselves, and prone to make mistakes occassionally. NOBODY likes someone who is perfect.

 

You have a lot of work to do with yourself in learning to bite your tongue, let the people around you be wrong, and don't cut them down for it. If you don't learn how to let people be themselves and not make them feel petty and stupid, you will be alone your entire life.

 

It takes a lot of work for someone who is always right to try to be wrong a little but you can do it. I mean STOP this very minute...look up humility in the dictionary...and figure every way you can to bring yourself down to human level.

 

Now that I have found someone who is right all the time, could you give me six numbers between 1 and 53. The Florida lottery jackpot is $80 million on Wednesday night. I'll split it with you!!!

 

P.S. If you show your friends a sample of your typing, they may like you a bit more.

[Antoinette]

You are in need of some industrial strength humility. Even though you are extremely smart and capable of running the entire planet single-handedly, you remind others of their shortcomings and are not likely to ever be popular with mere earthlings...unless you come down to earth. Let's examine some of the statements in your post. I will cut and paste them exactly as you wrote them so there is not danger of misquoting and my comments will follow. I must forwarn you that my advice, evaluations, comments, etc., may not live up to your rigid standards of being absolutely correct but I think they are damned close. 1. "I get upset easily when things don't go the wayI think they should go." ***So it's your way or the highway? There are only a couple of people who would go for that attitude in a friend and they are both dead. Babies scream when they don't get their way but in normal development, they grow out of that phase and become more compromising...and people like them. 2. "I am always apologise to the point where I have been stereoptyped as someone who cannot get along ith people." ***Maybe you should take a hint here. I don't think it's a stereotype...I feel it's a fact.

 

3. "I feel that people don't love,care about or appreciate memost of the time."

 

***Your thoughts and feelings create your reality. Your attitude towards people makes them react the way they do. 4. "People say I like to give orders and have my own way and that is true." ***Oh, friends do love taking orders. There is nothing that endears one to others more than to demand you have your own way (being sarcastic). Even if your way is the best, why is it so important to you to have your way? As a matter of fact, there is no payoff whatsoever in your being right all the time in front of your friends. Give others a chance...even if they make mistakes. Go along for the ride, enjoy yourself, and make some friends!!!

 

5. "I also have a problem with people who cannot see things logically, and it annoys me to have to explain something so simple."

 

***Well, you've just eliminated the majority of humanity from your list of possible friends. Most people are illogical, at least some of the time. Humans often go with their feelings. Mr. Spock on Star Trek would have been a perfect friend for you...if you can see the logic in that. 6. "I also tend to lose my friends or so called friends whenever I excell or get promoted above them ." ***Frankly, I think you lose your friends well before then, and with little effort on your part. After all, to be in the presence of someone who is always absolutely correct about everything would make anybody nervous. I mean even Albert Einstein made mistakes sometimes. 7. "Please, this is a problem that if I could solve itI would be the most beautiful person alive" ***You can solve it...by being a little more human. Not giving your opinion so often. You may be right all the time but you are living a very lonely existence. And frankly, I think if you were right all the time you wouldn't be having this problem. HASN'T ANYBODY EVER SAT DOWN WITH YOU AND EXPLAINED THAT YOUR ARE A POMPOUS KNOW=IT-ALL AND NOBODY WILL EVER LIKE YOU UNLESS YOU CHANGE THAT ASPECT OF YOUR PERSONALITY??? 8. "I know it has to have something to do with me , because everyone can't be worng, but I just can't find out what is the problem with me." ***Well, you are RIGHT AND WRONG at the same time here. You are wrong that the problem has something to do with you because it has EVERYTHING to do with you!!! I truly believe you are sincere in wanting people to like you. Everybody does. But usually through our socialization process, as we grow, we learn what works and what does not. If you were absolutely right about everything, you would have learned that people are repulsed by a know it all and extremely attracted to people who are humble, like themselves, and prone to make mistakes occassionally. NOBODY likes someone who is perfect.

 

You have a lot of work to do with yourself in learning to bite your tongue, let the people around you be wrong, and don't cut them down for it. If you don't learn how to let people be themselves and not make them feel petty and stupid, you will be alone your entire life. It takes a lot of work for someone who is always right to try to be wrong a little but you can do it. I mean STOP this very minute...look up humility in the dictionary...and figure every way you can to bring yourself down to human level.

 

Now that I have found someone who is right all the time, could you give me six numbers between 1 and 53. The Florida lottery jackpot is $80 million on Wednesday night. I'll split it with you!!!

 

P.S. If you show your friends a sample of your typing, they may like you a bit more.

Tony,

 

Thanks for being so open honest frank with me! No, no one has ever sat me down and explained/said to me that I was a pompous know-it all. I guess they never had the courage to tell me for fear of my response.

 

I feel really bad because what you are saying makes absolute sense to me- because it is true. For the first time in years , I am able to see myself from a perspective that is not my own - and it hurts. I was present to not only how alone I am, but how alone I have made myself and how I continue to do so. You have really opened my eyes to who I really am.

 

Before your letter I woud have denied having a problem with pride because I don't go around bragging about what I have or what I can do. But when you said allow yourself to be wrong a little , enjoy the ride and make some friends... i was like what? how do you do that ?, I can't stand being wrong! And so most times that's what I see in others- what they are doing wrong. Then I realised that just by thinking that way that I was being proud.

 

I also appreciate your analogies which really brought things down to earth for me! Some of them were pretty hard , but all very truthful. I guess I'm getting a taste of my own medicine and not liking it.(smile)

 

But Tony I have few concerns.

 

Do you really think that showing them a sample of this letter woul really help? What if they use it against me to always remind me of my fault? ( i guess your answer would be - isn't that what you do?)and since that doesn't help them why would it help me? I guess it would remind me that I am not perfect. But I already knew that- I guess my actions say otherwise.

 

Do you think it would be a wise to show them the letter and make a request for them to help me to be humble?

 

I am just really scared about them using my weakness against me because I've experienced that before. Your thoughts.

 

Oh by the way, I don't gamble because I think it's a waste of time. Futhermore the probability of you winning is 0.000000000000009. How big a chance is that?!!!!!!

[Bliss]

Antoinette

 

Congratulations on learning something relatively quickly that some people never do!

 

I don't know about showing people the letter, if that's beyond your comfort zone. Just gradually and genuinely change the way you act and people will respond accordingly. It's wonderful to have a great opinion of yourself but when you think you're the best, you stop learning. Think of the greatest, most admirable people in the world. They are usually the most humble, they go about their work of helping humanity quietly and never expect thanks. At the end of your life, do you want people to say "gee, she was right all the time, but a real pain in the ass" or do you want them to say "wow, she made everyone she came in contact with feel great and made their lives better". This brings to mind a great little book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.

 

And when it comes to weaknesses, we all have them, but the best defense is to learn what they are and not be ashamed of them, then no one can use them against you. Besides, most people are more interested in themselves than using your weaknesses against you anyway.

 

Good luck with your learning curve...

[Nicky]

Tony, Thanks for being so open honest frank with me! No, no one has ever sat me down and explained/said to me that I was a pompous know-it all. I guess they never had the courage to tell me for fear of my response. I feel really bad because what you are saying makes absolute sense to me- because it is true. For the first time in years , I am able to see myself from a perspective that is not my own - and it hurts. I was present to not only how alone I am, but how alone I have made myself and how I continue to do so. You have really opened my eyes to who I really am. Before your letter I woud have denied having a problem with pride because I don't go around bragging about what I have or what I can do. But when you said allow yourself to be wrong a little , enjoy the ride and make some friends... i was like what? how do you do that ?, I can't stand being wrong! And so most times that's what I see in others- what they are doing wrong. Then I realised that just by thinking that way that I was being proud. I also appreciate your analogies which really brought things down to earth for me! Some of them were pretty hard , but all very truthful. I guess I'm getting a taste of my own medicine and not liking it.(smile) But Tony I have few concerns. Do you really think that showing them a sample of this letter woul really help? What if they use it against me to always remind me of my fault? ( i guess your answer would be - isn't that what you do?)and since that doesn't help them why would it help me? I guess it would remind me that I am not perfect. But I already knew that- I guess my actions say otherwise. Do you think it would be a wise to show them the letter and make a request for them to help me to be humble? I am just really scared about them using my weakness against me because I've experienced that before. Your thoughts. Oh by the way, I don't gamble because I think it's a waste of time. Futhermore the probability of you winning is 0.000000000000009. How big a chance is that?!!!!!! Hiya

 

I'm not Tony, but I do have some thoughts on this.

 

Firstly, I think you should only show this letter (if you wish) to people who do genuinely care about you, and who hence won't use it against you. So sending it round the office as a memo, probably isn't the greatest idea. But using it with close family and friends will probably only bring you closer.They will realize, that you finally have your feet on the ground, and not on the planet Vulcan, where all people are logical and perfect.

 

We empathize more with people who are like us- people who are fallible and make errors, because we can see that they are like us, so only use the letter with the right people.

 

Look to your past. Where did this need to be perfect come from? It sounds like you've been "conditioned" by a parent (s). Were you brought up to believe, that you have to be your best, and nothing less is acceptable?

 

And this "conflict" stuff. I may be way off the mark, but do you have a problem controlling your temper too? Do you get really annoyed if you can't control things around you? Maybe you've never heard what Tony said before, because people are too scared to approach. The reason they don't seem to care, is probably because you put up such barriers, you won't let them close. You won't let them see the real you.

 

Problems controlling your anger can be due to fear of failure, fear of losing control, disappointment with others & yourself because your expectations are far too high, time urgency (nothing EVER happens quickly enough) etc.

 

As I say, I may be wrong, but if any of the above rings a bell, I can dig up some good sites on it, which can help you. Just let me know.

[Antoinette]

Antoinette Congratulations on learning something relatively quickly that some people never do! I don't know about showing people the letter, if that's beyond your comfort zone. Just gradually and genuinely change the way you act and people will respond accordingly. It's wonderful to have a great opinion of yourself but when you think you're the best, you stop learning. Think of the greatest, most admirable people in the world. They are usually the most humble, they go about their work of helping humanity quietly and never expect thanks. At the end of your life, do you want people to say "gee, she was right all the time, but a real pain in the ass" or do you want them to say "wow, she made everyone she came in contact with feel great and made their lives better". This brings to mind a great little book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. And when it comes to weaknesses, we all have them, but the best defense is to learn what they are and not be ashamed of them, then no one can use them against you. Besides, most people are more interested in themselves than using your weaknesses against you anyway. Good luck with your learning curve...

Thanks Bliss!

[Antoinette]

I'm not Tony, but I do have some thoughts on this. Firstly, I think you should only show this letter (if you wish) to people who do genuinely care about you, and who hence won't use it against you. So sending it round the office as a memo, probably isn't the greatest idea. But using it with close family and friends will probably only bring you closer.They will realize, that you finally have your feet on the ground, and not on the planet Vulcan, where all people are logical and perfect.

 

We empathize more with people who are like us- people who are fallible and make errors, because we can see that they are like us, so only use the letter with the right people. Look to your past. Where did this need to be perfect come from? It sounds like you've been "conditioned" by a parent (s). Were you brought up to believe, that you have to be your best, and nothing less is acceptable? And this "conflict" stuff. I may be way off the mark, but do you have a problem controlling your temper too? Do you get really annoyed if you can't control things around you? Maybe you've never heard what Tony said before, because people are too scared to approach. The reason they don't seem to care, is probably because you put up such barriers, you won't let them close. You won't let them see the real you. Problems controlling your anger can be due to fear of failure, fear of losing control, disappointment with others & yourself because your expectations are far too high, time urgency (nothing EVER happens quickly enough) etc. As I say, I may be wrong, but if any of the above rings a bell, I can dig up some good sites on it, which can help you. Just let me know.

Thanks alot Nicky!

 

You are absolutely right!. You have also hit the nail on the head. I am the first of four children and I am always expected to set a good example for my sibblings. Since I have no one to look up to then perfection is my standard.

 

Yes I do have a problem with controlling my temper and this is what I believe makes me repulsive. I also do get annoyed if I can't control things around me because it makes me feel vulnerable- that I have no control over what will happen to me. I also like things to be done speedily.

 

I would greatly appreciate whatever readings I can have access to on my situation. As this is something I seriously intend to work on- I need to.

 

Thnaks a lot guys ( Tony , Bliss and Nicky) You've all been more than help. May God bless this website. I didn't even know it existed I was just so desperate for help I just typed in interpersonal relationships on Yahoo and you guys came up! I have always just used the inetrnet just to check and send mails I have never really surfed the internet because I never really had anything to look for. I didn't evn know this kind of thing was possible or even existed, where you can ge immediate response to a question. You guys must be of great help to the world.Thanks alot I have benefitted greatly. Keep up the good work and continue to be extraordinary!

[Antoinette]

Thanks Bliss!

Thanks for reminding me of what great people are like because as ironic as it may sound, my aim is to inspire those I come in contact with and make their lives better.

 

Re Dale Carnegie- I guess I bought the wrong books. I have

 

"How to Develop Self confidence and influence people by public Speaking " and "The Leader in You". I did see How to win Friends But I thought I didn't need it. Or I guess I thought influencing them was more important than winning them.

[Nicky]

Thanks alot Nicky! You are absolutely right!. You have also hit the nail on the head. I am the first of four children and I am always expected to set a good example for my sibblings. Since I have no one to look up to then perfection is my standard.

 

Yes I do have a problem with controlling my temper and this is what I believe makes me repulsive. I also do get annoyed if I can't control things around me because it makes me feel vulnerable- that I have no control over what will happen to me. I also like things to be done speedily. I would greatly appreciate whatever readings I can have access to on my situation. As this is something I seriously intend to work on- I need to. Thnaks a lot guys ( Tony , Bliss and Nicky) You've all been more than help. May God bless this website. I didn't even know it existed I was just so desperate for help I just typed in interpersonal relationships on Yahoo and you guys came up! I have always just used the inetrnet just to check and send mails I have never really surfed the internet because I never really had anything to look for. I didn't evn know this kind of thing was possible or even existed, where you can ge immediate response to a question. You guys must be of great help to the world.Thanks alot I have benefitted greatly. Keep up the good work and continue to be extraordinary!

 

Hi Antoinette,

well I'm glad if I've helped identify something! You

 

may find you need to take the Anger Management thing a bit further, ie go on a course on something. Although realizing and acknowledging what you have is half the battle. It's not uncommon at all, it's just most people don't realize it's not the greatest way to live, and can be changed!

 

Useful websites: www.geocities.com/HotSprings/6537/ (loads of stuff here-scroll down and you'll find all relevant things), but best of all is: www.thriveonline.com/serenity/stress/smq.index.html, which goes into the different feelings that underlie your anger, and I think it will strike a chord!

 

All the best, you're going in the right direction, and making progress already!!

[Tony T]

Dear Antoinette:

 

No, don't show them a copy of your letter. I was being a bit sarcastic and I apologize. However, you should know that people put others down in order to make themselves feel better. I have no doubts that your friends would be inclined to put you down given the chance because you have helped make them feel inferior in many ways. After all, you are always right.

 

It might be nice to let your friends know you are sorry for the way you have been and you are working on correcting it. Ask for their forgiveness, humble yourself, and ask them to be patient with you while you work on it.

 

Nobody can help you be humble except yourself. Life has a way of doing that sometimes. And you must always remember that no matter how great or how small, how rich or how poor, how right or how wrong, we all share the same ultimate destiny.

 

I was sorry to be so strong in my letter. But I figured if someone was not extremely blunt with you, this problem could go on for a lifetime. NOW, ONLY YOU CAN BRING YOURSELF DOWN TO EARTH, STOP THINKING IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BE RIGHT, GET SOME TRUE FRIENDS, HAVE FUN, LOOSEN UP, AND ENJOY YOURSELF.

 

RESOLVE YOURSELF TO MAKE FIVE MISTAKES A DAY...THE CELEBRATE THEM!!!

 

Remember, it's only when we make mistakes that we learn. In your case, being right all the time was your BIGGEST mistake!!!

[Nicky]

Dear Antoinette: No, don't show them a copy of your letter. I was being a bit sarcastic and I apologize. However, you should know that people put others down in order to make themselves feel better. I have no doubts that your friends would be inclined to put you down given the chance because you have helped make them feel inferior in many ways. After all, you are always right. It might be nice to let your friends know you are sorry for the way you have been and you are working on correcting it. Ask for their forgiveness, humble yourself, and ask them to be patient with you while you work on it. Nobody can help you be humble except yourself. Life has a way of doing that sometimes. And you must always remember that no matter how great or how small, how rich or how poor, how right or how wrong, we all share the same ultimate destiny.

 

I was sorry to be so strong in my letter. But I figured if someone was not extremely blunt with you, this problem could go on for a lifetime. NOW, ONLY YOU CAN BRING YOURSELF DOWN TO EARTH, STOP THINKING IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BE RIGHT, GET SOME TRUE FRIENDS, HAVE FUN, LOOSEN UP, AND ENJOY YOURSELF. RESOLVE YOURSELF TO MAKE FIVE MISTAKES A DAY...THE CELEBRATE THEM!!! Remember, it's only when we make mistakes that we learn. In your case, being right all the time was your BIGGEST mistake!!!

Antoinette

 

Some other things that have just occurred to me.

 

If you want to get a handle on the Anger problem, you may want to look at your whole life.eg Regular exercise will help maintain a more even temperament. If you drink gallons of caffeine- don't! It will just get you all wound up.

 

Relaxation exercises will probably help too. Even the simplest breathing exercises. One I was taught was: breath out (counting to 8), breath in (counting to 5). Do this for at least five minutes. I find it calms me down, when I need it, and can obviously be used in many situations.

 

hope that helps!

[Bliss]

Thank YOU Antoinette

 

I just came home from a hell day at work: two people sitting next to me have been retrenched and are crying and causing all sorts of disruption. On top of that while I was at work my boyfriend did something so irreversibly hurtful and horrible that I know that I can never see him again. I can just forget our whole future together. I came home and cried my heart out and suicide even crossed my mind (don't worry I'll be all right). Then I read your response and felt that I was useful to someone after all. It was the single one good thing that's happened to me all day. See, I'm your friend already!

[Antoinette]

Antoinette Some other things that have just occurred to me. If you want to get a handle on the Anger problem, you may want to look at your whole life.eg Regular exercise will help maintain a more even temperament. If you drink gallons of caffeine- don't! It will just get you all wound up. Relaxation exercises will probably help too. Even the simplest breathing exercises. One I was taught was: breath out (counting to 8), breath in (counting to 5). Do this for at least five minutes. I find it calms me down, when I need it, and can obviously be used in many situations.

 

hope that helps!

Hi Nicky!

 

Sorry I missed your response yesterday but I had difficulty logging on to the internet.

 

Yes, I do believe that I need that course because whenever I make a conscious effort to change and am succeeding, my anger is what usually causes the breakdown. So I will definitely visit the websites you mentioned.

 

Re the exercises, that too is true. I used to be an athlete (sprinter) and I used to do tons of exercises twice per day. Now that I'm working, if I do it once per month I do alot. So exercise has realy disappeared from my life and I guess this is one of the results. But thanks for that easy one! I think I can definitely use it. I just tried and I think my lung capacity has decreased so much that I finished exhaling before I reached 8!(smile). But I'm fine!

 

So I'll let you know what I find on the websites.

 

P.S. Thanks for being a friend.

[Antoinette]

Thank YOU Antoinette I just came home from a hell day at work: two people sitting next to me have been retrenched and are crying and causing all sorts of disruption. On top of that while I was at work my boyfriend did something so irreversibly hurtful and horrible that I know that I can never see him again. I can just forget our whole future together. I came home and cried my heart out and suicide even crossed my mind (don't worry I'll be all right). Then I read your response and felt that I was useful to someone after all. It was the single one good thing that's happened to me all day. See, I'm your friend already!

Hi Bliss!

 

Sorry I missed you yesterday but I couldn't get on the internet. I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad day, but I'm glad my letter helped to cheer you up!

 

Now, I'm not a councillor or anything.Butlook don't worry about what happened. Every disappointment is for a good reason. You may not see it now, but later on you will. You are a wonderful person who has taken the time out to read and respond to numerous writers. So continue to do the good you have started, and let nothing deter you.

 

Furthermore what are you doing having a"hell" day? Don't you know your name means "utter joy or happiness, being in HEAVEN"!(smile). It's time to live up to the true meaning of your name-starting now. As Tony said,"Your thoughts and your feelings create your reality". So start thinking happy thoughts Ok!

 

Here's a quote I use to cheer myself when I'm down:

 

You Can Win

 

You can win,

 

if you continue the race,

 

Don't look back,

 

just keep drying your face.

 

The finish line

 

might be far ahead,

 

But keep going,

 

do not stop instead.

 

You can win,

 

just be a good runner,

 

If you are not too swift,

 

you are only slower.

 

At the end of the race,

 

you will succeed,

 

You can certainly win,

 

if you proceed.

 

I hope you like it! and thanks a lot for being my friend too!

[Bliss]

Hi Antoinette

 

We are on different time zones, I think, so it has only been a day since I posted.

 

Thanks for that quote, I'm going to print it out and look at it often. I felt quite uplifted when I read it. Usually it's quite normal to have a miserable recovery period, but things hadn't been perfect with this guy so I'm quite used to being upset. The quote was good because I feel as though I just have to persevere - I feel as though I have to start at square one all over again. I'm a bit tired as not much has gone right in my life lately, but as long as I'm optimistic things have to get better.

 

Meanwhile, how is your situation going? What's your progress?

 

(By the way, Bliss isn't my real name! but it sounds nice doesn't it?)

[Antoinette]

Dear Antoinette: No, don't show them a copy of your letter. I was being a bit sarcastic and I apologize. However, you should know that people put others down in order to make themselves feel better. I have no doubts that your friends would be inclined to put you down given the chance because you have helped make them feel inferior in many ways. After all, you are always right. It might be nice to let your friends know you are sorry for the way you have been and you are working on correcting it. Ask for their forgiveness, humble yourself, and ask them to be patient with you while you work on it. Nobody can help you be humble except yourself. Life has a way of doing that sometimes. And you must always remember that no matter how great or how small, how rich or how poor, how right or how wrong, we all share the same ultimate destiny.

 

I was sorry to be so strong in my letter. But I figured if someone was not extremely blunt with you, this problem could go on for a lifetime. NOW, ONLY YOU CAN BRING YOURSELF DOWN TO EARTH, STOP THINKING IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BE RIGHT, GET SOME TRUE FRIENDS, HAVE FUN, LOOSEN UP, AND ENJOY YOURSELF. RESOLVE YOURSELF TO MAKE FIVE MISTAKES A DAY...THE CELEBRATE THEM!!! Remember, it's only when we make mistakes that we learn. In your case, being right all the time was your BIGGEST mistake!!!

Hi TONY!

 

Welcome back! How are you? I'm still wounding from the licks I got 2 days ago!(smile) I'm now afraid to write to you-just kidding!

 

Tony, let me say this, please do not feel bad about being so strong on me. I can assure you that if you weren't I'd continue searching for the root(s) of the problem. Without a shadow of a doubt, you have opened my eyes to a problem I have been trying to solve for over 6 years. So there is absolutely no need to be sorry. In fact, I am very thankful to you for being brave enough to do it. Not that you had anything to lose ( You seem to have it all together)(smile!)

 

Anyway, re showing them the letter. I showed my sister and she was amused to the bones. She also told me that she thought you were being sarcastic about showing them my letter( referring to the typograpghical errors).Whereas I thought that you were referring to the essence of the letter. But if that's the case, the typo errors wuldn't make them like me more because they already know that I'm good at writing . What happened was I thought the letter was too long and I went back in to delete some parts and was so anxious to send it off that I didn't bother to read it over. But after getting your response I am anxious no more!( smile) I read them even three times before posting!(smile).

 

My friends already know that I am sorry for the way I've been to the point where saying sorry doesn't mean anything coming from me.And it's not that I'm not genuine, but I've been genuine too many times. They don't understand how I could be sorry and keep doing the same thing. But before now, even I couldn't answer that question.

 

Yesterday, was my first day of trying to be humble and it saw me being unusually quiet.I started thinking to myself "They probably think I'm unhappy and they are probably glad" because I do get that feeling sometimes that if I'm unhappy they are glad. Then I remebered what you said about "my thoughts and me feelings create my reality" and I caught myself by saying, "It probably doesn't even matter or mean anything to them that I am quiet today".So I started feeling better about it.

 

The most challenging part of my day however was "biting my tongue". Man, that drove me into a serious depression! I recognised that what I am programmed to say " reminds people of their shortcomings" or makes them feel inferior! Man! it was dreadful! It took me so long to rephrase what I wanted to say that by the time it came out it still didn't come out right because the tone was still there. Man I have a whole lot of work to do.

 

It got so bad that,my supervisor brought an incident to my attention where I forgot to give a client some information that cost him some money. I told her I couldn't recall if I had given him the information, but she insisted that I didn,t and asked me what I think she should say to the client( that is , asking me to take responsibilty). Immediately ,I got defensive and kept saying I didn't recall whether I told the client or not and I just couldn't think of a responsible answer(at the time)and when asked again what should she tell the client- I blankly said "I don't know". Boy that sure did not go down well at all, especially since I am on probation for 3 months for a position I have just been promoted to 2 weeks ago.She was mad! She also made it very clear to me that she did not think that was a resposible answer.

 

Nevertheless, later that day, when I had cooled down, I went to her and explained that I would take responsibility for my action, and she said ok.

 

I am just writing to show you what I go through mentally just to say the right thing- it's challenging! But I'll get there!

 

Now there are some questions.

 

1)Do you think that's a mistake I can afford to celebrate? If so, How.

 

2)How do I encourage & motivate my co-workers without sounding like I'm kissing up to them?

[Tony T]

You've GOT TO GET OFF OF THIS RIGHT/WRONG KICK. FORGET IT!!!

 

You spend half your letter trying to make me feel better about being strong in my letter. If I had felt thE slightest bit bad I would't have pressed the "post" button. You keep referring to my suggestion (written with sarcasm intended) about showing your letter. Stop obsessing with that stuff. STOP ANALYZING SO MUCH. IT TAKES SO MUCH ENERGY. Your recovery will probably take you to both extremes before you reach your goal, but stop worry so much about it.

 

My God, you may have made a mistake at work. Understand, your boss is so used to being pissed at you for being perfect, I am surprised she didn't have a heart attack when you told her you took responsiblity in this situation.

 

It will take some time to make the changes you want to make in yourself. Be patient. Don't work quite so hard on it. Make it a goal, not an obsession. My hope is that you are ulimtately able to live like a normal human who gets along with most people with little effort. Try to see yourself floating on a cloud each day, just doing your best, but not trying to be perfect.

 

As far as celebrating mistakes, I don't think in most cases people celebrate them. But in your case, I would consider proclaiming a national holiday. For someone who used to think she was perfect to admit to a mistake is definitely an event that should be observed in some fashion. (No, not a celebration. Just be happy inside that you finally know why people haven't liked you in the past and now you are doing something about it!!!)

 

I don't understand the question about how to motivate your co-workers, etc. but just be yourself. Forget about controlling your co-workers. Again, you have got a LONG LONG way to go but simply asking this question implies once again that you want to be perfect. You will absolutely encourage and motivate everyone just by being the kind, gentle, patient, loving, IMPERFECT human being you were put on this planet to be.

 

Regarding the anger question, I'm beginning to think the person you are most angry with is yourself. Start loving your imperfect self and forgive yourself for being the creepy perfectionist you USED to be. AND STOP ANALYZING EVERY INTERACTION YOU HAVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

 

No move on and do the work!!! A lot of people have made some great suggestions for you here.

[Antoinette]

Hi Antoinette We are on different time zones, I think, so it has only been a day since I posted. Thanks for that quote, I'm going to print it out and look at it often. I felt quite uplifted when I read it. Usually it's quite normal to have a miserable recovery period, but things hadn't been perfect with this guy so I'm quite used to being upset. The quote was good because I feel as though I just have to persevere - I feel as though I have to start at square one all over again. I'm a bit tired as not much has gone right in my life lately, but as long as I'm optimistic things have to get better. Meanwhile, how is your situation going? What's your progress? (By the way, Bliss isn't my real name! but it sounds nice doesn't it?)

Hi Bliss!

 

I don't know if we are on different time zones but I know an entire day had passed and I hadn't read any emails. So then maybe I should use dates instead of saying yesterday and so on.

 

It's good to hear that you recognise that you need to persevere amidst what you are going through and that optimistic approach you have will certainly help.

 

You know Bliss, breakdowns are good because they give rise to breakthroughs. So explore new possibilities starting on a clean slate. It will be challenging but you can do it. Give your self some time to resuscitate and try to have fun!

 

Oh by the way I know Bliss is not your real name , but the fact that you chose it out of billions of other names must count for something!

 

As for my progress things are beginning to look better. Yesterday(3/30/2000) was my best day ! I was calm the entire day and didn't get upset once.It felt great to be in control (even for a day) of my reactions. The day before that was bad I got flustered on my supervisor. But everything has been sorted out now. So at this point in time I am highly motivated and I feel encouraged.

 

Thank alot for your support Bliss! and yes, your name does sound nice!

[Antoinette]

You've GOT TO GET OFF OF THIS RIGHT/WRONG KICK. FORGET IT!!! You spend half your letter trying to make me feel better about being strong in my letter. If I had felt thE slightest bit bad I would't have pressed the "post" button. You keep referring to my suggestion (written with sarcasm intended) about showing your letter. Stop obsessing with that stuff. STOP ANALYZING SO MUCH. IT TAKES SO MUCH ENERGY. Your recovery will probably take you to both extremes before you reach your goal, but stop worry so much about it. My God, you may have made a mistake at work. Understand, your boss is so used to being pissed at you for being perfect, I am surprised she didn't have a heart attack when you told her you took responsiblity in this situation. It will take some time to make the changes you want to make in yourself. Be patient. Don't work quite so hard on it. Make it a goal, not an obsession. My hope is that you are ulimtately able to live like a normal human who gets along with most people with little effort. Try to see yourself floating on a cloud each day, just doing your best, but not trying to be perfect. As far as celebrating mistakes, I don't think in most cases people celebrate them. But in your case, I would consider proclaiming a national holiday. For someone who used to think she was perfect to admit to a mistake is definitely an event that should be observed in some fashion. (No, not a celebration. Just be happy inside that you finally know why people haven't liked you in the past and now you are doing something about it!!!) I don't understand the question about how to motivate your co-workers, etc. but just be yourself. Forget about controlling your co-workers. Again, you have got a LONG LONG way to go but simply asking this question implies once again that you want to be perfect. You will absolutely encourage and motivate everyone just by being the kind, gentle, patient, loving, IMPERFECT human being you were put on this planet to be. Regarding the anger question, I'm beginning to think the person you are most angry with is yourself. Start loving your imperfect self and forgive yourself for being the creepy perfectionist you USED to be. AND STOP ANALYZING EVERY INTERACTION YOU HAVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. No move on and do the work!!! A lot of people have made some great suggestions for you here.

Well you know Tony, I have some good news! Yesterday I started lightening up and it was my best day at work.I was calm the entire day and I didn't get upset once. Also, I actually found that I got more support from my coworkers,being that way. So things are already beginning to get better.

 

Thanks a lot for your support!