KK Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 Ok, here goes..... I'm new here. Found this site by going to a search engine and typing in "relationship insecurities" I haven't dated in over a year. Reason being, bad divorce, not trusting men now, etc....But, I met a man a week ago yesterday. We have a mutual friend who introduced us. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me 3 times the next morning. Left a message each time. Then he called me twice the following day. I got scared, feeling a little smothered and thought he seemed too needy. I didn't want that to break up the relationship, so I called him back after his last phone call and told him I felt smothered. He said he was sorry, didn't realize what he was doing (should I believe that?) then told me that the ball was in my court. The next phone call would be my call. Once that was resolved, I felt more comfortable and relieved. I called him the next morning to set a date where we could talk about that face to face. It went well, or so I thought. Now he rarely calls, when he does, he doesn't say much. And to top it off, he is off on vacation for 2 weeks starting this morning. He did say he is going to call while he's away. When he comes back, I will be on vacation for a week and will also be entertaining an out of town guest for a week when I return. Did I scare him? Did I confuse him? Is this time away from each other so early in the relationship beneficial or disastrous?? Am I anxious for no reason?? Did he get turned off when I told him he was suffocating me?? Am I being the one too needy now?? My friend says I worry too much. That that always gets me in trouble in love. He says it was because of my upbringing. Never knowing when my mom would explode into one of her fits. I could never do enough to please her, etc... scared of rejection. So, I am very anxious and he says I should just go with the flow. Why am I being so anxious so soon?? I think the switcharoo happened already.... The pursuer becomes the pursuee.... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 Originally posted by KK I think the switcharoo happened already.... The pursuer becomes the pursuee.... This just sounds a bit melodramatic to me. The day after you told him to cool it, you phoned him to set up a date so that you could discuss "things" face to face? What "things"? You guys went out on one(!) date, and you both think you'd like to go on some more. To be honest, a guy who starts out by calling me too much, or otherwise seeming far too keen to see me before he knows me well, is a turn-off. I don't like to be harassed. Given that, I don't pursue things with guys who seem to be too needy, or too invested right off the bat in seeing me. Suggests they don't have a life. I can see why you felt harassed by this guy at first. What I don't get is why you turned around and tried to engage him in further discussion of things. You were worrying about what it all meant, scheduling appointments to discuss a relationship that hadn't gotten underway yet. And now you worry about whether or not your respective vacations are going to derail everything. Relax! You've just met each other. You're just getting to know each other, and while you seem to like each other so far, there's not a lot at stake here. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, you'll have made a new friend. But if you're going to tie yourself in knots everytime he calls too much or too little, you'll drive yourself -- and possibly him -- crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 This relationship timing thing takes a lot of intuition and innate skills that some people just never develop. So once you put him on notice he was smothering you, he lacked the skills to know just how much contact he should have. He's probably a truly great guy. The fact that he called you twice in one day is an excellent sign that he wants to get to know you better. The fact that he's not calling you much now is an excellent sign that he listened to you and he wants to please you...and lacks in knowing the right balance of contact. Just go along with him and as the relationship progresses, both of you will feel more comfortable with each other and with the frequency of contact. If a lady I really liked told me I was smothering her, I probably wouldn't call her for a month....not because I didn't like her...but because I didn't want to screw things up. So don't misinterpret the poor guy. You have officially put the fear of the Lord in him. And, to answer your question...YES...you scarred the shxt out of him! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 YOU WRITE: "To be honest, a guy who starts out by calling me too much, or otherwise seeming far too keen to see me before he knows me well, is a turn-off. I don't like to be harassed. Given that, I don't pursue things with guys who seem to be too needy, or too invested right off the bat in seeing me. Suggests they don't have a life." You're a tough as hell cookie. No flowers or candy for you, babe!!! I've got Salma anyway...so there!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KK Posted August 16, 2003 Author Share Posted August 16, 2003 Thank you both so much for responding so quickly to my message. I am so relieved to hear what you both had to say. I feel as though I got alot off my chest in just posting what I did. And to receive worthy replies made it all the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 16, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 16, 2003 THANKS TONY for another FANTASTIC POST!!! It's so strange how, when a person gets a little too excited about a member of the opposite sex ... it leads to the interested party appearing to be a loser, a real sap. AND THEN... When we really shove the brakes on after being kindly told that we were suffocating someone, we are considered aloof and emotionally unavailable. ROTFLMFAO YUP, the dude is probably scared to death of messin' up. He has truly learned his lesson. If I were him, if you didn't call now, I'd sure as hell stay away for a looooooooooong time too. Hmmm ... actually ... he's being quite the little "subordinate" isn't he, KK ... he follows orders well ... could come in handy if you give things a chance to progress. (Curt chortling loudly in Background) Link to post Share on other sites
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