Found out that my wife's OM is just "ecstatic"!

[bluerosekiller]

Even though my wife & I have been separated for just over four years now, I've never stopped loving her & holding out hope for an eventual reconciliation. I even thought that we were very close to one this past spring when she finally slept with me for the first time in 3 1/2 years. But, to my dismay, it was just a three time thing for reasons I'm still clueless about.

 

Anyhow, within the past week or so, I've discovered that she's become involved in what is her fourth relationship since our separation. This time with an old co-worker of hers that she somehow became re-acquainted with recently. An individual that's 21 years her senior.

 

How or why this romance between them has begun, I don't know, but it's just killing me.

One would think that I'd be used to the pain by now, but this one hurts just as much as the first time I had to deal with one of her extra-marital relationships.

 

So, earlier today, I decided to see if this guy had a My Space account & low & behold, what did I find, but one with my wife's name in it's title! Naming her as his reason for being "ecstatic". Not only that, but there's a photo of the two of them together ( & of course, she looks georgeous in it ) at a wedding that took place two weeks age.

One that I was originally supposed to accompany her to BTW.

 

Talk about a kick in the teeth!

 

I'm just gutted by this whole damned thing.

[Darth Vader]

Why don't you divoce this old bag rather than just "wait in the wings" for her while she goes out and rides other men? You've probably been faithful to her this whole time, huh? No sex with anyone else? Very simply put, DROP HER ASS NOW!

 

Get YOUR life back! You're missing your life!

[LostHusband]

You've been separated FOUR YEARS? Why so long? Are there financial reasons for not divorcing? I wouldn't want to live my life like that - I've been separated from my wife for 3 months now and I am already wishing I would just hurry up and get over her and move on with my life. I hope I'm not still hung up on her after four years. Well at least you give me some hope that I'll get to sleep with my wife again in another 3 years.

[dead-dyke]

I wonder if hypnotism works? Any takers? (BTW - Sorry about your predicament) I would love to hypnotise my ex right out of my head.

[Ronni_W]

BRK,

Is it possible that your hurt feelings are arising because a part of your mind hasn't yet accepted that your marriage is over? After a 4-year separation, a reconciliation does seem highly unlikely, yes?

 

Whether or not your separation is "legal" in your mind, the fellow she is seeing now is hardly an "other man"...you have been separated for FOUR years...neither you nor your long-estranged wife has any reasonable and realistic expectation of "fidelity", at this point. If anything, YOU were an OM in the spring.

 

Possibly your wife was working through some internal issues this past spring, and used you to help her resolve whatever it was. That's just one of a thousand 'maybes', of course. Important for you is the fact that she's now in another relationship, and your marriage is long over.

 

I am sorry that your marriage ended, and your wife has moved on in advance of you doing the same. But it is never too late to take your own steps to let go of the past and start creating a better future for yourself.

 

 

Dead - Hypnosis can only help you accomplish what you really want to achieve. Not sure that it can cause your ex to mentally "cease to exist" for you, but it can help you stop any obsessive thought patterns that are preventing you from not caring about what she's up to. If that's what you REALLY want...yep, IMO, you would make a terrific hypnosis client.

[TrustInYourself]

Stop enabling her behavior. Grow a spine? After 4 years, you should have gotten the drift.

 

Also, I'm not a negative person. I believe in second chances. But I value honest assessment of the facts and the situation. Common sense tells me you are being used as a branch for your little "monkey" to swing from as she goes from man to man.

[bluerosekiller]

Why don't you divoce this old bag rather than just "wait in the wings" for her while she goes out and rides other men? You've probably been faithful to her this whole time, huh? No sex with anyone else? Very simply put, DROP HER ASS NOW!

 

Get YOUR life back! You're missing your life!

 

Vader, you're right. I haven't so much as been on a date with anyone else since our separation. Which, I fully realize is awfully pathetic on my part, but what can I do?

 

My wife is hardly an "old bag". In fact, that's a big part of the whole problem. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman physically & I just don't desire anyone else like I desire her. So, I've just sort of existed in this state of hopeless limbo since we split.

 

And, it's hardly just an all physical thing either.

I mean, I love her more than anyone else in my life. That's why she's my first & only marriage ( this is her third ).

Plus we have a seven year old daughter as well. Who's the light of both our lives. And who brings us into pretty much constant contact with one another. So, it's not as if we have the "normal" split up - separated/divorced relationship with one another either ...

[bluerosekiller]

You've been separated FOUR YEARS? Why so long? Are there financial reasons for not divorcing? I wouldn't want to live my life like that - I've been separated from my wife for 3 months now and I am already wishing I would just hurry up and get over her and move on with my life. I hope I'm not still hung up on her after four years. Well at least you give me some hope that I'll get to sleep with my wife again in another 3 years.

 

We haven't divorced because over the course of these past four years she keeps insisting that she doesn't want a divorce. Despite her now four relationships since our separation.

 

Why?

I have no clue.

 

Honestly, I'm not some sort of a mentally challenged individual.

I KNOW how twisted this all sounds & how totally hopeless & pathetic I come across when I recount it all. I just don't know how to break out of this hurtful holding pattern of a life that I've been living.

[TrustInYourself]

We haven't divorced because over the course of these past four years she keeps insisting that she doesn't want a divorce. Despite her now four relationships since our separation.

 

Why?

I have no clue.

 

Honestly, I'm not some sort of a mentally challenged individual.

I KNOW how twisted this all sounds & how totally hopeless & pathetic I come across when I recount it all. I just don't know how to break out of this hurtful holding pattern of a life that I've been living.

 

Who is making the decision to keep this hurtful holding pattern. I think you know exactly what you should do, yet you lack the incentive or desire to do it.

 

You rationalize it by stating your wife's feelings. You are a puppet to her desires. Enjoy it, if that's what you truly want.

[TrustInYourself]

Vader, you're right. I haven't so much as been on a date with anyone else since our separation. Which, I fully realize is awfully pathetic on my part, but what can I do?

 

My wife is hardly an "old bag". In fact, that's a big part of the whole problem. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman physically & I just don't desire anyone else like I desire her. So, I've just sort of existed in this state of hopeless limbo since we split.

 

And, it's hardly just an all physical thing either.

I mean, I love her more than anyone else in my life. That's why she's my first & only marriage ( this is her third ).

Plus we have a seven year old daughter as well. Who's the light of both our lives. And who brings us into pretty much constant contact with one another. So, it's not as if we have the "normal" split up - separated/divorced relationship with one another either ...

 

Hmm, what can you do? How about go out and socialize? Ask women out on dates? Start doing activities that involve ladies. Get a hobby where there are women involved...need I go on?

 

This has nothing to do with how perfect your wife is. This has everything to do with reality. Not your perception of reality.

 

Um, there are plenty of normal divorces/separations where two parents have a very respectful, considerate, caring relationship. They just aren't together.

 

My first set of advice to you still applies. I guess it doesn't warrant a response from you because it's not nice.

[Curmudgeon]

Vader, you're right. I haven't so much as been on a date with anyone else since our separation. Which, I fully realize is awfully pathetic on my part, but what can I do?

 

Gonna be brutal here.

 

Are you so ugly, deformed, defective, inadequate, insane, incompetent, inappropriate and imbecilic that this is the only woman in your life who has ever looked at and treated you like a human being?

 

If the answer is a resounding, "NO!" then let her and "it" go and get on with your life.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Dude, there's a seat for every ass. Go get some. You'll feel better.

 

Also, you are her third husband? And she's had four boyfriends since your separation? Wow...

 

I feel for you, and I understand what you have been through, but you seriously need to stick a fork in this one. It is done.

[bluerosekiller]

Gonna be brutal here.

 

Are you so ugly, deformed, defective, inadequate, insane, incompetent, inappropriate and imbecilic that this is the only woman in your life who has ever looked at and treated you like a human being?

 

If the answer is a resounding, "NO!" then let her and "it" go and get on with your life.

 

Well, I do suffer from some serious self esteem issues.

Especially since she left me in 2004. It's something that I've suffered from my entire life. This despite having accomplished such things as compiling an OK record of 17-5 when I was boxing & having attained a black belt in Hawaiian Kempo. Two things that I'm proud of, but just don't seem to matter much anymore.

 

And, I'm told that I'm still a reasonably good looking man at 46. But, when I look in the mirror all I see are an aged, unhappy individual staring back at me.

So, yeah. I've got my issues.

 

Yes, I am on some anti-depressants & I do see a therapist, but, obviously, there have been no breakthroughs yet. LOL

[bluerosekiller]

Dude, there's a seat for every ass. Go get some. You'll feel better.

 

Also, you are her third husband? And she's had four boyfriends since your separation? Wow...

 

I feel for you, and I understand what you have been through, but you seriously need to stick a fork in this one. It is done.

 

God, I REALLY wish it were that easy!

But, the problem is, I'm just monogamous by nature.

Even though all logic says that I should just give up & move on, I still masochistically keep hanging on. And hanging on ...

 

Why am I still so in love with someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way about me? I wish I knew.

All I can do is say again, that despite her issues with fidelity to me & her apparent need for having other men in her life, she's still the only woman that I can see in my life.

 

Which, I know is a REALLY big problem.

Especially because I have no desire to wake up one day at 50 & find myself in the same damned place in my life. An idea that scares the hell out of me, but is unfortunately, something that's right around the corner from becoming a reality seeing as how I'll be turning 47 in just a few weeks.

[In Like Flynn]

She can still be in your life after divorce. If she wakes up after then remarry but right now all you have in a open marriage.

[Lucky_One]

She doesn't want a divorce bc then she wouldn't have a convenient excuse of why she can't be married/commit to anyone else. She is not going to be faithful to any one man forever. Period.

 

She also gets all legal benefits. If you die, she inherits all your assets. She will be able to claim on your SS, too.

 

Win-win for her.

[misternoname]

You've been separated FOUR YEARS? Why so long? Are there financial reasons for not divorcing? I wouldn't want to live my life like that - I've been separated from my wife for 3 months now and I am already wishing I would just hurry up and get over her and move on with my life. I hope I'm not still hung up on her after four years. Well at least you give me some hope that I'll get to sleep with my wife again in another 3 years.

 

Couldn't agree more...my wife moved out 5 months ago after I caught her having another affair. I've discovered that in the past I forgave and took her back not so much out of love but out of fear. Once I became clear headed and brave I washed my hands of her. What did I find on the other side?...a wonderful woman that cares for me, makes me feel good about myself again and restored my faith in humanity. BTW, STBXW immediately hooked up with another guy after moving out and is now madly in love despite numerous incompatabilities. I don't care...good luck to him. He'll need it to deal with her insecurities. Like Lost Husband, I wish we could finish the divorce yesterday. Four year separation? Grow some man and get on with life!

[Darth Vader]

Well, I do suffer from some serious self esteem issues.

Especially since she left me in 2004. It's something that I've suffered from my entire life. This despite having accomplished such things as compiling an OK record of 17-5 when I was boxing & having attained a black belt in Hawaiian Kempo. Two things that I'm proud of, but just don't seem to matter much anymore.

 

And, I'm told that I'm still a reasonably good looking man at 46. But, when I look in the mirror all I see are an aged, unhappy individual staring back at me.

So, yeah. I've got my issues.

 

Yes, I am on some anti-depressants & I do see a therapist, but, obviously, there have been no breakthroughs yet. LOL

 

 

Get to Individual Counseling, they'll help with some of the issues!

[Darth Vader]

Vader, you're right. I haven't so much as been on a date with anyone else since our separation. Which, I fully realize is awfully pathetic on my part, but what can I do?

 

My wife is hardly an "old bag". In fact, that's a big part of the whole problem. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman physically & I just don't desire anyone else like I desire her. So, I've just sort of existed in this state of hopeless limbo since we split.

 

And, it's hardly just an all physical thing either.

I mean, I love her more than anyone else in my life. That's why she's my first & only marriage ( this is her third ).

Plus we have a seven year old daughter as well. Who's the light of both our lives. And who brings us into pretty much constant contact with one another. So, it's not as if we have the "normal" split up - separated/divorced relationship with one another either ...

 

 

Third marriage? Why did the other marriages fail? Did she cheat on them as well? If she did, that tells you right there that she's a cake eater, she's a serial cheater! She absolutely will not stop cheating, PERIOD! Move on with the Divorce! Protect all your assests! No consequences for her actions, no motivation for change!

[verytired]

BRK, I just wanted to say that although all these people are undoubtedly right about you needing to move on, I do understand you. I love my wife. The one I married I mean - not the bi*ch who cheated on me. She is a beautiful woman and she is the mother of my children - I will always have to deal with her, and seeing her every day just makes me miss her. I know what it is to be torn. I also know about looking in the mirror and seeing a 44 yr-old looking back at me who doesn't seem to like himself very much because the woman he loved rejected him. I hear you.

 

But, it is helping me a lot to remind myself that the woman I loved is dead. There is another woman walking around who looks just like her but is not the woman I loved, has none of the great qualities that I fell in love with - she is just a pale, cheap imitation. The more I tell myself this, the more I can grieve and get over the relationship, and find myself starting to think about a future without her.

 

I don't know if dating other women is the answer, but no-one's talking about falling in love overnight here - more about putting a line between you and that woman who is masquerading as your wife.

[SingleDad]

Third marriage and 4 boyfriends... plus how many one night stands...

 

You W is using and abusing you mentally - no person should have to put up with that... She is the one with psychological issues - she needs men to make her happy - she cannot ever be happy on her own...and she has you as her lifeline when all else fails in her life.

 

You need to move on - even date other women - doesn't have to be physical - but maybe you'll be able to see that you do not need to cling on to that one last thread bewteen you and your W.

 

If you have read any of my thread - you'll see I have maintained hope with my Marriage for a very long time - but thgere is a time for someone to give up and move on in their own life.

[bluerosekiller]

BRK, I just wanted to say that although all these people are undoubtedly right about you needing to move on, I do understand you. I love my wife. The one I married I mean - not the bi*ch who cheated on me. She is a beautiful woman and she is the mother of my children - I will always have to deal with her, and seeing her every day just makes me miss her. I know what it is to be torn. I also know about looking in the mirror and seeing a 44 yr-old looking back at me who doesn't seem to like himself very much because the woman he loved rejected him. I hear you.

 

But, it is helping me a lot to remind myself that the woman I loved is dead. There is another woman walking around who looks just like her but is not the woman I loved, has none of the great qualities that I fell in love with - she is just a pale, cheap imitation. The more I tell myself this, the more I can grieve and get over the relationship, and find myself starting to think about a future without her.

 

I don't know if dating other women is the answer, but no-one's talking about falling in love overnight here - more about putting a line between you and that woman who is masquerading as your wife.

 

Thanks much for your understanding.

Not that I haven't appreciated all the responses that I've gotten here, but you're the first one that seems to really "get" where I'm coming from. Not that I want to be handled with "kid gloves" by the others who've replied here though.

 

I fully understand your thought process toward thinking of your wife as two seperate entities however. The one from the past whom you loved, courted & married & now the one who cheated on you & whom you're estranged from.

I was in a similar place mentally & emotionally with my wife Vicki about 18 months ago when she began seeing her last BF before this latest one. It still hurt to go over to her place to pick up our daughter while he was over there. But, I just grit my teeth & made sure that I remembered that this woman was not the same one that I thought she was when we got married. And that helped me get through it & significantly dulled the pain & moved me toward what I thought was some healing.

 

But, then she stopped seeing that guy this past spring after which we had our brief "reunion". Something that obviously meant a LOT more to me than it did her. And which proceeded to totally mess me up emotionally all over again. A place that I'm stuck in now once again.

[bluerosekiller]

Third marriage and 4 boyfriends... plus how many one night stands...

 

You W is using and abusing you mentally - no person should have to put up with that... She is the one with psychological issues - she needs men to make her happy - she cannot ever be happy on her own...and she has you as her lifeline when all else fails in her life.

 

You need to move on - even date other women - doesn't have to be physical - but maybe you'll be able to see that you do not need to cling on to that one last thread bewteen you and your W.

 

If you have read any of my thread - you'll see I have maintained hope with my Marriage for a very long time - but thgere is a time for someone to give up and move on in their own life.

 

Believe me, I know.

Could I "flip a switch" & make it so, I would. But, you know as well as I do that there are no quick fixes when it come it comes to matters of the heart. Unfortunately.

At least with most people.

 

My wife however seems to be able to go from one relationship to another without much difficulty at all. Infact, as you pointed out, she almost seems to NEED the attention of multiple men in her life ...

[SingleDad]

BlueRose -

 

I do understand... My W left me and is dating again at a minimum or a full blown affair which could lead to our divorce and her marraige to OM. I would likely take her back if she came back to me... But I am learning that I cannot just sit around expecting that she will have a revelation and come back to me... I have to learn to live for myself.

 

But you said you are your W's 3rd marraige and she is on her 4th boyfriend since you separated.

 

We are just trying to help you along and "Get a Life" for yourself without your W in the picture.

 

Your W is busy thinking of herself and herself only... She doesn't know what she wants and certainly cannot find what she wants in another man... to her, men are disposable.

 

Please do not sit around any longer and pine for her - go out and have a good time for yourself - maybe find a female friend... You may realize that your W is not all that great when you find other things that CAN make you happy.

[bluerosekiller]

BlueRose -

 

I do understand... My W left me and is dating again at a minimum or a full blown affair which could lead to our divorce and her marraige to OM. I would likely take her back if she came back to me... But I am learning that I cannot just sit around expecting that she will have a revelation and come back to me... I have to learn to live for myself.

 

But you said you are your W's 3rd marraige and she is on her 4th boyfriend since you separated.

 

We are just trying to help you along and "Get a Life" for yourself without your W in the picture.

 

Your W is busy thinking of herself and herself only... She doesn't know what she wants and certainly cannot find what she wants in another man... to her, men are disposable.

 

Please do not sit around any longer and pine for her - go out and have a good time for yourself - maybe find a female friend... You may realize that your W is not all that great when you find other things that CAN make you happy.

 

Oh, by all means, I know that you're giving me good advice. And, make no mistake, I really appreciate it.

 

As I said a post or two ago, I didn't come here to be coddled.

I'm a big boy & I can take the "harsher" replies.

And, I know that I have to move on eventually, it's just a matter of getting motivated to do so. Plus, it doesn't help that I'm unemployed at the moment. So, not only am I brokenhearted & pretty miserable, but I'm also broke as a joke.

A set of circumstances that makes it difficult to climb out of bed in the morning.

 

So, right now, I'm trying to remedy one situation at a time by looking for work. At this point, I'm just looking for part time work so that I'll be able to keep my health insurance.

it'll keep a ( substdized ) roof over my head, some groceries in the cupboard & maybe there will be enough left over to actually get out of the house occasionally. I hope ...