Can Someone Explain This To Me?

[zazue]

Hello All,

 

My STBXH is having an affair. It's all out in the open, and I just want to try and get along while we divorce. It hurts like hell, but if you've seen my other post's you will know why I just want to move on. I have to have LC with my STBXH because we run a business together. I am 100% dis-abled, and I will need monetary support from him, so I don't want to mess with the business.

 

Here is my problem. After my intial shock and anger, I decided to take the high road. I have been calm and accepting of this whole mess and it seems to make my STBXH angrier.

 

I am calm on the phone, and in person. I do not talk about our 22 years of marriage, or talk about reconciliation. I have never said I love you since this all came to light. I am going out with friends, enjoying my freedom, and accepting the divorce, and he is just a walking, talking ball of fury.

 

Why? I am giving him all he wants, and it makes him mad at me. I am beginning to think he wanted me to know about the affair after only one month into it because he wanted to shake me up, pull the rug out from under me, make me weaker, and beg him to stay. That hasn't happened, and he hates it. I feel like he should have been more careful what he wished for. I don't think he thought I would quickly recover, and embrace this divorce whole heartedly. I am happy that he wants a divorce. Frankly I was afraid to leave because if it wasn't his idea, he would have hurt me.

 

How do I deal with his anger? Why is he so angry? Anyone?

[Kasan]

I guess if it were me, I would be very concerned about his anger based on your other posts.

 

Sweetie.....who cares why he is angry? Don't you know that it's all about control? Take your son and get out ASAP!!!

 

He has a history of violence and who knows what could tip the scales this time.

 

I'm very concerned for you and your son's safety, to the point that I might consider getting a RO.

 

Take good care of yourself and your son, okay?

[GettingThere]

Hi Zazue

 

My guess would be that by letting you know about the affair he wanted you to beg him to finish it, tell him you loved him all of those things so he could have CONTROL of you. You've basically said - great get on with your life - I agree we should divorce - and he's confused and angry becuase he's gained the exact opposite of what he wanted - he's lost control of you. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

 

I would continue to act in the way you arlready are keep LC at all times and I think as others have advised you need to get some legal advice and possibly a restraining order against this man. Whatever you do don't give that control back to him.

[zazue]

Thanks all. I am going to see my attorney on Monday. A very supportive friend is taking me. She knows all about my STBXH, and she gives me strength.

 

I am going to ask the attorney to file a RO. I thought my STBXH wasn't coming back to the house, as he said as much when he packed all his clothes when he left to work out of town on Wednesday. Yesterday he told me he is coming back here on Monday, as he has to work here all week.

 

My son is 21, has his own apartment in the town he goes to college at (about 2 1/2 hours away). He will be here until at least next Friday, which should give me time to get the RO in force. STBXH has mentioned that our son will be leaving soon, and that is scary. I know my STBXH is a little afraid of our son. My son is 6'4" tall, and very much in shape. Once my son is gone, I know STBXH will try to intimidate me. Wish me luck, and thanks for all the support, it keeps me strong.

[Kasan]

I have my fingers crossed for you!

 

However, what happens when your son leaves? I would stay with a friend for a few days until thing settle down. Spend this time now, getting together any documentation or money that you will need for the attorney and yourself in case you can't go back home. Do you have a caseworker or anyone that you could discuss this with? Do you have safe places to go in the even that you need to leave in a hurry?

 

I can't imagine that your husband will respond well to a RO, and just because there is one on him doesn't mean he will respect it.

 

You are stronger that you know!!! Please be careful................

[GettingThere]

Why does STBX need to come stay at yours? Can he not go stay with OW? If he HAS to stay at yours then you need to stay somewhere else.....

[TrustInYourself]

His anger stems from how well you are taking this. If that makes sense.

 

He probably has a ton of self anger and self hate. People who are angry typically are contending with extremely low self esteem.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He has the emotional maturity of a two year old combined with the power and autonomy of an adult. You are not allowed to act independently of him, he is in complete control of his belongings. How dare you not cry and beg him to stay. His problems are YOUR fault (if not it would only stand to reason that they must be his and his fragile ego couldn't handle that!)

 

Frankly I was afraid to leave because if it wasn't his idea, he would have hurt me.

 

This is something only victims of this type of abuser will ever understand. Someone whose reality is so twisted that they feel loved by bullying someone into submission and that's the only thing they know of love is unwilling submission to their power. This is why he reacted so badly to your kindness and compassion.

 

Welcome to the "real" real world!

 

He is in what is called a narcissistic crisis and he is one dangerous fellow at the moment.

 

Praise the Lord and pass the fried chicken! You are the bomb. Congrats on standing up and fighting for your life back. Just be VERY, VERY careful!

 

(Just curious, have you heard the "this is what you wanted all along" line? If not its coming, don't bite!)

 

God bless, and stay strong. IWWH

[TrustInYourself]

He has the emotional maturity of a two year old combined with the power and autonomy of an adult. You are not allowed to act independently of him, he is in complete control of his belongings. How dare you not cry and beg him to stay. His problems are YOUR fault (if not it would only stand to reason that they must be his and his fragile ego couldn't handle that!)

 

Frankly I was afraid to leave because if it wasn't his idea, he would have hurt me.

 

This is something only victims of this type of abuser will ever understand. Someone whose reality is so twisted that they feel loved by bullying someone into submission and that's the only thing they know of love is unwilling submission to their power. This is why he reacted so badly to your kindness and compassion.

 

Welcome to the "real" real world!

 

He is in what is called a narcissistic crisis and he is one dangerous fellow at the moment.

 

Praise the Lord and pass the fried chicken! You are the bomb. Congrats on standing up and fighting for your life back. Just be VERY, VERY careful!

 

(Just curious, have you heard the "this is what you wanted all along" line? If not its coming, don't bite!)

 

God bless, and stay strong. IWWH

 

Bingo. Alas, knowing the reason may not help deal with the situation or the "man". Best wishes!

[zazue]

Wow I love the posters here. All of you have played a large part in my actions, and I thank you all.

 

The one reason I have to let him stay here is because when all this started I locked him out of the house, packed up all his clothes and left them on the porch. When he came back and broke in through a window he didn't see the bags.

 

It was very early in the morning. I was asleep. He took a shower, and when he opened the dresser to find some clothes, he realized his were all gone and went crazy. I woke up to him pitching all my clothes from the dresser, and dresser drawers all over our bedroom. He then picked up a very heavy stained glass lamp from my bedside, and threw it at the wall.

 

Needless to say I called 911. The policewoman (who was tragically killed by a mentally unstable man, along with five others three days later) asked me if he had hit me, I honestly answered no. She asked if he had before, I honestly answered yes. She said that since he didn't hit me, and his name was on the deed to the house I couldn't legally keep him out, and she couldn't arrest him. She told me he was very intoxicated (at 8:00am mind you) and the most she could do was give him a ticket for malicious mischief, which she did, then she actually gave him a ride to the school in our small town so the OW could pick him up.

 

As to living with the OW, she doesn't want that, week-ends are fine with her, and she lives 60 miles south of here. He met her when he was working out of town.

 

My attorney said we have to find just cause to bar him from our home, and aside from being angry, he is watching his step around here. My attorney also told me not to leave our home as that would show that I have somewhere else to go, and we want to show that I don't, and need to remain in the family home. His past history with the law would put him in jail for at least a couple of months if he got in trouble, as he is still on probation, so he's very careful.

 

I do have a place to go very near our home if things get bad, but I have told STBXH that any line crossing would result in an immediate call to 911.

 

It is all so complicated, and so hurtful and messy. I feel like I have no recourse except to grin it and bear it. I've seen our family Doctor, he put me on tranquilizers, so it's documented as to how devastated this has all been to me. I hope I've answered all your questions. Thank you all again.

[zazue]

The ticket my STBXH got for malicious mischief required a court appearance on 9/9/08. He forgot, and didn't go. Yesterday a bench warrant for his arrest arrived in the mail. I told him about it, as I wanted him to be extra careful until it can be quashed. He can't be in jail right now. He has to keep working to pay all the bills. I can't quash it, only he can, and he is out of town. Man was he mad.

 

This was, of course, "all my fault". Yes I threw dresser drawers, and lamps all over my bedroom, and scared myself so much that I called the police on myself! It's not funny, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

I will admit that this lastest turn of events satisfied the angry part of me just a little bit.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

There has got to be some solace in that. Glad you have you're keeping a sense of humor. The crazy part is that he will NEVER believe even for one millisecond that it is his fault. He can't get a break and the world is screwing him over right and left!

[zazue]

There has got to be some solace in that. Glad you have you're keeping a sense of humor. The crazy part is that he will NEVER believe even for one millisecond that it is his fault. He can't get a break and the world is screwing him over right and left!

Very true. I am beginning to see that almost my entire marraige to this man has been crazy. I am actually starting to feel some peace, and happiness in my soul, and it feels so good!

[zazue]

I wanted to thank you for using the term "narcissistic crisis" in your reply to me. I looked up nacissistic crisis on google and found a wealth of information. All of it fit my STBXH's actions all these years to a tee. It really helped me understand and cope. Thanks again:)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Any update??? Did you get to the lawyer, is your son back at school? Let us know how things are going. IWWH

[sedgwick]

Wow, you are my breakup hero!!! But I agree with the others -- you MUST get out of there. If he's with someone else, he can stay with her. Or he can stay in a hotel. But your home is no longer his, and he has no right to be there.

[zazue]

Any update??? Did you get to the lawyer, is your son back at school? Let us know how things are going. IWWH

 

Yes I saw an attorney yesterday. He was very kind, but told me in the first 10 minutes that my case was complicated, and he couldn't take me on right now. He spent over an hour telling what to expect (nice of him because it was a free consult), and referred me to my other first choice. A woman who was also on the top of my list, and she will take my case. I see her on Thursday.

 

STBXH comes strolling in after a four day week-end with the OW. (Restraining orders take two weeks, if no new violence insues). He asked how my appointment went. Was very smug. I was cutting up chicken for homemade chicken pot pie (son's favorite), and I told him what the attorney said was the minimum to middling of what I would get.

 

$2000.00 a month maintenance plus my $700.00 a month disability. The amount would decrease to whatever his social security pays me when he turns 65 and whatever he has to give me to equal $2000.00 a month. He pays my taxes. The family home, all furnishings except for personal items. My car, all mine. He would have to keep his $250,000.00 life insurance policy in force with me as the benificiary until he turns 65. He would have to contribute at least as much as we have been contributing to our son's secondary education until he turns 24. He assumes all debt and gets to keep his business.

 

Well needless to say he wasn't happy. He even cried and said he was worth more dead than alive. I said whatever.

 

Then he left and went to a motel to get rip roaring drunk. I stopped answering the phone and went to bed at ten pm. Apparently the OW dumped him last night. Looking at my cell phone bills shows he repeatedly called her from 6:00pm until midnight. She only picked up once, talked to him, realized what a drunken prize he was, then stopped picking up. He left a partial text message on my phone around 12:15am. I was asleep, saw it this morning. Said "Just for your information" long blank spot, then "no it's just not worth it". No calls from him today, boo f**king hoo. I feel so free!

 

My son is going back to school on Friday. I really want him to resume a normal life. I've been cooking him all his favorite foods. I made him a pumpkin pie today (I even cook my own pumpkins for the filling). I'll send him back to school with Mom food, and homemade goodies. I spent Friday evening going to the movies, and dinner with my dearest friend, Saturday with some other friends, and lots of phone time with close friends who call to see if I'm doing ok.

 

You are all great! You keep me strong! I know I'll still have bad days, but I'm moving on, and I get stronger and a little more sane everyday. My STBXH didn't realize how fair and equitable works when you're dumping a disabled wife after a long term marriage. He knows now. You stop growing when you stop learning.

[div2wice]

IMHO, men cheat for one reason... and one reason alone. To beef up their cruddy self esteem. I've been cheated on twice, and that reason fits perfectly...it seems to fit with your situation also.

The reason he's ticked is because he thought that you would be crying your eyes out, begging him to come back as most women do. He wanted that, he wanted to feel wanted, needed, or whatever they call it. When you didn't, it hit him even more and he got ticked. You did not give him the reaction he was looking for, so it set him off. How dare she not beg me to come back! What is her problem, why doesn't she want me? etc, etc, etc.

Don't change for him. Its obviously over so changing the way you cat is pointless. Just be yourself. If you're calm and ok with this then show it. Don't give him what he wants, because unfortunately it won't change anything. He'll still be a cheater and he won't come back -- even if he did, he'd most likely cheat again because the root issues are still there.

Hang in there,

Pamela

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, its nice the attorney was willing to tell you he didn't have time for your case. I hope Thursday goes well! It's wonderfull that you have a great support group of friends that you were able to turn to. That will make all of the difference in the world. You've really handled yourself well through all of this. Very often when people deal with this type of abuse then turn away from friends and family. It's a great thing that you haven't turned these people out of your life.

 

I'm sure he was quite surprised. When the numbers hit them in the face, realitiy sets in for a short minute or two. Well, if his GF kicked him to the curb I guess we'll see really how good he is at back peddling, if he gets her back.

 

There is no doubt that you are going to have bad days, but there are many good ones to come! Keep us posted! IWWH

[zazue]

Yes Ifwisheswerehorses, I have always kept close friends and family around me. I knew that my STBXH wanted to isolate me, and I just wouldn't let it happen.

 

That was part of his problem with me. I didn't "listen" to what he wanted me to do. He actually stopped hitting me around eight years ago when one night, as he started hitting me, I grabbed a wooden cutting board, and whacked him good in the center of his forehead. He was shocked enough to see the error of his way's.

 

As I said in my previous posts he has slipped up twice in the past year and a half, but it's my strong will, and my unwillingness to allow my STBXH total control that causes him to go to such lengths to try and control me.

 

He must destroy all of me to have total control, and it's not working, and that makes him mad. This is the scariest time. Losing control to this extent causes insane reactions from the abuser/controller. I am extra careful, and lock all doors and windows at all times. I also told him I had taken out a RO on him, so he's afraid to be arrested. I think he'll stay away.