how do you break up with someone who keeps pretending things are great?

[eastwest]

I feel stuck and I need help.

 

My boyfriend and I started out with a long distance relationship, full of all the drama and romance that those tend to invoke, and when it came time for me to make a move a little less than a year later (I was in grad school at the time, a "mature" grad student, at 38), I wasn't ready to give up on the relationship by moving where my boyfriend wasn't, and at my age, figured the best way to see if it could work was to move to be with him. I had hopes, dreams. I thought my stable, happy life would make his more so. That his emotional distance/zen quality would become less distant and more zen, that his drinking would become less of an issue, that our very different lifestyles would turn out to be very complementary to each other rather than a problem.

 

Well, a few months after we moved in together, you can imagine what happened. All those sweet little differences became very big sticking points (for me, that is), and for the last six months or so, all I can think of is: "What have I done? Why didn't I see this?" He, on the other hand, seems to want nothing more than for me to live with him and get mad at him about his drinking and help him make every decision from where we should go to dinner to whether he should buy an iPod. He wants me to take care of him, it seems, and while I'm good at that, I don't want to be a mother, I want to be a partner.

 

Anyway, I'm in therapy (again) to try to figure out my own role in all of it (my tendency to want to be a caretaker and then get tired of that) while my boyfriend sweetly (naively?) waits for me to figure things out. We've had so many talks wherein I've brought up all of my concerns to which he sits mutely and doesn't offer any of his own (how can two people have such differing views of one relationship?). The bottom line: all he wants from me is to be his girlfriend (and wife, at the urging of his parents and friends; my family and friends don't have quite the same opinion). My bottom line: I want more than that and I want my boyfriend/husband to want more than that, too.

 

But I feel incredibly guilty and worried that I'm not trying hard enough to make this work. I know that all relationships get to a point after the romantic love portion starts to fade and you start looking at the real issues and that's where real love starts. But how do you know if you're scared of this "real love" or if this just isn't the right person to go on that path with? And, further, how do you break up with someone who keeps telling you how sweet and cute you are, even though you feel sometimes he uses the "sweet and cute" line like using "abracadabra" to keep you distracted from the issue at hand.

 

Help.

[midori]

Originally posted by eastwest

I know that all relationships get to a point after the romantic love portion starts to fade and you start looking at the real issues and that's where real love starts. But how do you know if you're scared of this "real love" or if this just isn't the right person to go on that path with? And, further, how do you break up with someone who keeps telling you how sweet and cute you are, even though you feel sometimes he uses the "sweet and cute" line like using "abracadabra" to keep you distracted from the issue at hand.

 

Help.

 

Hi eastwest,

 

I can relate to some of what you're saying, I've had relationships where I assumed a caretaker role, though not in the same manner that you have.

 

Right, romantic love fades or transforms with time, and as people confront the obstacles that life throws their way. And that's when having common values and goals becomes even more important.

 

Once the initial giddiness of romantic love wears off, you notice all the little annoying things about your partner. And some bigger problems too. You weigh those against your partner's good qualities, and the good things that he/she brings into your life. If the bad outweigh the good, then no matter how much affection you have for your partner, it's not an equal partnership. That's going to be function of what you want/need, and what your partner has to give. There are no cut-and-dry rules. Maintaining an unequal partnership can easily lead to resentment and unhappiness.

 

So if you find yourself in an unequal partnership, you have to ask yourself why you're there. It's not about refusing to accept a flawed partner, or the fact that you yourself are flawed. We all are. But if your experience in the relationship is all about your partner's flaws, then it's not a good relationship.

 

It sounds like you and your boyfriend aren't compatible for the long-run. You haven't made an irrevocable commitment, so why not end things -- you're clearly not happy with the relationship. And it seems just as clear that your boyfriend has no interest in changing the way he is in the relationship. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault. You two just aren't on the same path.

[Tony T]

This doesn't seem to be something you would want to work out. The two of you are incredibly incompatible and your therapist is NOT going to change that. You clearly knew going into this that there were some major hurdles you would have to overcome. You took a gamble...the question is...why? We all want love and some of us are willing to go to great lengths to find it. But if you don't learn this now, you may learn it by the time you get to the old folks home....you simply can't change reality. And it's really hard to change men. I knew reading your post, before you even mentioned your problems, that this was something that wasn't going to happen. Now, I can't figure out why you want to mold a piece of feces into a Picasso...it just won't happen.

 

I don't know what your life is all about now but I hope you will use the time in therapy to remold much of your life and to make some major changes in your thought processes so you will attract the right person into your life. To do that, you have to develop the skills necessary to quickly identify and swiftly eliminate those who are obviously wrong for you.

 

If I had just a penny for every woman who wanted to change a man to her liking, I would be richer than Bill Gates. Why are so many of you gals like that? Go for somebody who is not long distance, with whom you have a lot in common...somebody who doesn't drink heavily....etc. Why don't you make a list of what you would like in a guy and just go shopping? Shop until you drop!