did I make a huge mistake?

[Krystal]

I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We have an 18-month old and a 2-week old. When my older son was about 6 months, I decided to move away to a nearby city to start working to save up money so I could start attending the university. Now I am starting to think that was the biggest mistake I have ever made. We never broke up or anything, I just felt that if I stayed living in that small town with no jobs, I was never going to make anything of myself. Well, while my boyfriend still lived in the small town, I would always call him to see how he was doing. I would never find him home. On a couple of occasions, I would go down there to spend time with him on my days off. One time, my car broke down on the way over there due to the flooding from a thunderstorm. Using my cell phone, I called his house and his mom answered, saying that his truck was outside, but he had left with a bunch of friends. So I said okay, and luckily someone I knew drove by and helped. When I got there, his mom said for me to stay there with her to wait for him. So I did. This was around 5 pm. He didn't arrive until 4 am. He was very drunk and asking me when I got there. I told him and he started laughing and then knocked out. So I left back home. He called me the next day apologizing. I asked him where he had been, he said at a bar-b-que, then at a friends. I believed him, but later my mom told me that some co-workers of hers saw him at a club dancing with different ladies. I asked him about it and he admitted to it, but said he didn't know them, nor did it go any further than that.

 

Several episodes occured like that. Finally when my older son was 15-months old, and I was 7-months pregnant, he moved here with me. Two weeks later, he didn't come home from until 2 a.m. drunk. I asked him where he was and he said he was playing pool with coworkers. So I let it slide. It didn't happen again until last Friday, 2 weeks after I had given birth to our second son. He called from work Friday morning to ask me if he could go play pool with his friend/coworker because it was his birthday. I told him that I would rather him not go because I was still in some pain. So he came home from work, ate dinner, changed clothes, and left with his friend. He and his friend asked me what time I wanted him back. I told them both that I wanted him back around 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. because I needed him to be home with his family. They both kind of laughed and then left. He didn't come home until 3:30 a.m. I didn't ask any questions because I was just so hurt. He later told me that they had gone to play pool but then went to his apartment to drink. Well, last night we were at the grocery store when I saw an old friend. My boyfriend was off getting something so we started talking. Then the subject came up of my boyfriend. She asked me if we were still together because she had seen him at a club a couple of times. I acted like I knew, so she didn't tell me anything else. I confronted him about it and he told me that he and his friend had just walked up to the door, looked inside, and left. I don't know if I should believe him or not. I am so scared that he might be cheating because before we got together he was known as a "player". I feel it was my fault for moving away, but my dream has always been to get a college degree and I had to pursue it. But now it seems I sacrificed our relationship for it. He keeps telling me that I am the only one and he doesn't want anyone else. Should I believe him?

[Nicky]

I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We have an 18-month old and a 2-week old. When my older son was about 6 months, I decided to move away to a nearby city to start working to save up money so I could start attending the university. Now I am starting to think that was the biggest mistake I have ever made. We never broke up or anything, I just felt that if I stayed living in that small town with no jobs, I was never going to make anything of myself. Well, while my boyfriend still lived in the small town, I would always call him to see how he was doing. I would never find him home. On a couple of occasions, I would go down there to spend time with him on my days off. One time, my car broke down on the way over there due to the flooding from a thunderstorm. Using my cell phone, I called his house and his mom answered, saying that his truck was outside, but he had left with a bunch of friends. So I said okay, and luckily someone I knew drove by and helped. When I got there, his mom said for me to stay there with her to wait for him. So I did. This was around 5 pm. He didn't arrive until 4 am. He was very drunk and asking me when I got there. I told him and he started laughing and then knocked out. So I left back home. He called me the next day apologizing. I asked him where he had been, he said at a bar-b-que, then at a friends. I believed him, but later my mom told me that some co-workers of hers saw him at a club dancing with different ladies. I asked him about it and he admitted to it, but said he didn't know them, nor did it go any further than that. Several episodes occured like that. Finally when my older son was 15-months old, and I was 7-months pregnant, he moved here with me. Two weeks later, he didn't come home from until 2 a.m. drunk. I asked him where he was and he said he was playing pool with coworkers. So I let it slide. It didn't happen again until last Friday, 2 weeks after I had given birth to our second son. He called from work Friday morning to ask me if he could go play pool with his friend/coworker because it was his birthday. I told him that I would rather him not go because I was still in some pain. So he came home from work, ate dinner, changed clothes, and left with his friend. He and his friend asked me what time I wanted him back. I told them both that I wanted him back around 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. because I needed him to be home with his family. They both kind of laughed and then left. He didn't come home until 3:30 a.m. I didn't ask any questions because I was just so hurt. He later told me that they had gone to play pool but then went to his apartment to drink. Well, last night we were at the grocery store when I saw an old friend. My boyfriend was off getting something so we started talking. Then the subject came up of my boyfriend. She asked me if we were still together because she had seen him at a club a couple of times. I acted like I knew, so she didn't tell me anything else. I confronted him about it and he told me that he and his friend had just walked up to the door, looked inside, and left. I don't know if I should believe him or not. I am so scared that he might be cheating because before we got together he was known as a "player". I feel it was my fault for moving away, but my dream has always been to get a college degree and I had to pursue it. But now it seems I sacrificed our relationship for it. He keeps telling me that I am the only one and he doesn't want anyone else. Should I believe him?

Hi Krystal

 

I don't think it was a bad decision to want to better yourself. Hopefully your partner was part of the decision making process too, otherwise he could understandably feel like your relationship isn't a partnership, but you're the lone-ranger and he's tonto just following in your wake.

 

However you say "we never broke up or anything", which suggests that maybe it wasn't necessarily a joint decision(?). If that's the case, how would you have felt if he just upped and left to go and do something affecting the whole family?

 

You need to rectify that, and include him.

 

Now, you say you called him and didn't fnd him at home much. Well, to be fair to the guy, what did you want? I mean, is he meant to spend his life sitting at home waiting for your phone calls? It needn't be a sign that he's being unfaithful.

 

I don't know if he's been unfaithful or not. He evidently hasn't been honest with you as to where he's been. I suspect that that may partly be because he feels he can't be honest with you, because of your reaction.

 

I have no problem with my BF going out a few nights a week, and getting absolutely pissed (if he wants) with his mates until the early hours of the morning. I trust him. I don't think you trust your BF, which is why he feels he can't be honest with you, because you'll jump to the wrong conclusion. You'll think he's up to no good.

 

I think it's only reasonable that he be there for you and the kids most of the time, but he should be allowed his own nights out with the lads. That will be much healthier for the relationship.

 

I think you may have time to save your relationship. I think you should start with a clean slate. Arrange that when you come to see him at w/e's, that he stays in. Trust him, he says you're the only one. Give him a chance. You seem to be judging him on his past. What about the few years you've been together. It doesn't sound like he was a player then? Heard of innocent until proven guilty? Let him go out with his friends. If he's alone there, what else could he do?

 

I think it's very important you should find a way of being together more, otherwise the distance will only present more difficulties.

 

good luck!

[Krystal]

Hi Nikki

 

I understand where you are coming from, but I just feel so cheated because he has time to go out with his friends. He is 21 and is able to go into all kinds of clubs, but I, on the other hand, am still 18. So I have never really had a chance to go out with friends or anything.

 

When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I knew that it was time to grow up and become more mature and responsible. He even told me that it was time for me to "grow up." Ever since we moved in together, I have never gone anywhere with my friends without him. I do that because I always want to be there for him. But I feel hurt because it's like he doesn't feel the same way. When I moved away, it was a mutual decision because at the time, we were living with his mom and her boyfriend. I moved in with him the beginning of my senior year, so we didn't have much money because I wasn't working. Well after I had my first son, his mom's boyfriend started giving us a hard time for living there. I understand where he was coming from, because we had our own family and should have been out on our own, but he went to the extreme. He would always go into our bedroom take our clothes and burn them, when I was doing laundry, he would stop the cycle and throw my clothes onto the floor. I mean, it's not like we were living for free or anything. I was always the one cooking for everybody(my boyfriend's 3 brothers as well as his mom's boyfriend), and I always had that huge house spotless. Even some of their major bills were paid when we could afford it.

 

But anyways, I got tired of it and decided I would move out because my boyfriend thought it was no big deal. He agreed and helped move me. He would either go visit me every weekend, or I would visit him. His mom's boyfriend still wouldn't leave us alone. During one of my visits, he put gum on the hood of my brand new car as well as keyed it and put $800 worth of damage on it. He admitted it to my boyfriend's mom but wouldn't to me or to the police, so they couldn't do anything about it. The next day he went to my boyfriend's work with a gun and threatened to kill him, our little boy, and me if my boyfriend didn't move out. We pressed charges on him, but my boyfriend insisted that he still would not move out. So I gave him an ultimatum, I would not let his mother see our little boy until he did something. Needless to say, his mother sticks by her man's side through it all. So finally he decided to move over here with me. Things were going pretty good till he started going out and leaving me home. I just feel so hurt that it doesn't bother him that I am still not well on my feet, and he leaves me at home with a toddler and a newborn. What do you think?

Hi Krystal I don't think it was a bad decision to want to better yourself. Hopefully your partner was part of the decision making process too, otherwise he could understandably feel like your relationship isn't a partnership, but you're the lone-ranger and he's tonto just following in your wake. However you say "we never broke up or anything", which suggests that maybe it wasn't necessarily a joint decision(?). If that's the case, how would you have felt if he just upped and left to go and do something affecting the whole family? You need to rectify that, and include him.

 

Now, you say you called him and didn't fnd him at home much. Well, to be fair to the guy, what did you want? I mean, is he meant to spend his life sitting at home waiting for your phone calls? It needn't be a sign that he's being unfaithful.

 

I don't know if he's been unfaithful or not. He evidently hasn't been honest with you as to where he's been. I suspect that that may partly be because he feels he can't be honest with you, because of your reaction. I have no problem with my BF going out a few nights a week, and getting absolutely pissed (if he wants) with his mates until the early hours of the morning. I trust him. I don't think you trust your BF, which is why he feels he can't be honest with you, because you'll jump to the wrong conclusion. You'll think he's up to no good.

 

I think it's only reasonable that he be there for you and the kids most of the time, but he should be allowed his own nights out with the lads. That will be much healthier for the relationship.

 

I think you may have time to save your relationship. I think you should start with a clean slate. Arrange that when you come to see him at w/e's, that he stays in. Trust him, he says you're the only one. Give him a chance. You seem to be judging him on his past. What about the few years you've been together. It doesn't sound like he was a player then? Heard of innocent until proven guilty? Let him go out with his friends. If he's alone there, what else could he do? I think it's very important you should find a way of being together more, otherwise the distance will only present more difficulties. good luck!

[Nicky]

Hi Nikki I understand where you are coming from, but I just feel so cheated because he has time to go out with his friends. He is 21 and is able to go into all kinds of clubs, but I, on the other hand, am still 18. So I have never really had a chance to go out with friends or anything. When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I knew that it was time to grow up and become more mature and responsible. He even told me that it was time for me to "grow up." Ever since we moved in together, I have never gone anywhere with my friends without him. I do that because I always want to be there for him. But I feel hurt because it's like he doesn't feel the same way. When I moved away, it was a mutual decision because at the time, we were living with his mom and her boyfriend. I moved in with him the beginning of my senior year, so we didn't have much money because I wasn't working. Well after I had my first son, his mom's boyfriend started giving us a hard time for living there. I understand where he was coming from, because we had our own family and should have been out on our own, but he went to the extreme. He would always go into our bedroom take our clothes and burn them, when I was doing laundry, he would stop the cycle and throw my clothes onto the floor. I mean, it's not like we were living for free or anything. I was always the one cooking for everybody(my boyfriend's 3 brothers as well as his mom's boyfriend), and I always had that huge house spotless. Even some of their major bills were paid when we could afford it. But anyways, I got tired of it and decided I would move out because my boyfriend thought it was no big deal. He agreed and helped move me. He would either go visit me every weekend, or I would visit him. His mom's boyfriend still wouldn't leave us alone. During one of my visits, he put gum on the hood of my brand new car as well as keyed it and put $800 worth of damage on it. He admitted it to my boyfriend's mom but wouldn't to me or to the police, so they couldn't do anything about it. The next day he went to my boyfriend's work with a gun and threatened to kill him, our little boy, and me if my boyfriend didn't move out. We pressed charges on him, but my boyfriend insisted that he still would not move out. So I gave him an ultimatum, I would not let his mother see our little boy until he did something. Needless to say, his mother sticks by her man's side through it all. So finally he decided to move over here with me. Things were going pretty good till he started going out and leaving me home. I just feel so hurt that it doesn't bother him that I am still not well on my feet, and he leaves me at home with a toddler and a newborn. What do you think?

I think he's 21, I think he's young, and I don't think he wants to share in the responsibilities. I doubt that you are going to see a radical shift in his attitude.

 

Your options are: get rid of him altogether, or try and make the best of a bad situation.

 

If you are living together, he should share in the houdehold responsibilities. You can perhaps negotiate this by trying to get him to do certain chores, and then allow him to stay out as long as he wants. I don't know if you like that particular idea, but you have to compromise. He isn't going to agree to change anything, unless there's something in it for him.

 

Also, one last word of advice: BEWARE OF MANIACS WITH GUNS.

 

They're dangerous. And you don't want to be another statistic. I think you should steer well clear of your mother and BF, until they learn to communicate with words,

 

and not weapons. You are a parent, and shouldn't endanger yourself, or your kids.

 

All the best