Is it ever going to be okay?

[Taliena]

Hello, my husband and I have been together for almost 4 years, we recently married back in April. We have had two children together. Our first was born in 2006 but passed away 7 weeks later to SIDS. Our second child, a girl, will be 1 this Sunday. Our relationship has had it ups and downs, but we have always remained strong through everything. I figured if we can bury our first born together we can overcome anything together. About a month ago, my best friend, male, who I lost touch with after high school came back into the picture after we found eachother on myspace. I never saw him as anything other than a friend, we were just best friends through our junior and senior years. The week after we reunited my husband allowed him to come over to catch up, (my husband knew him through my choir events in school) After hours of talking my husband decided to go on to bed, so me and my friend watched movies and chatted. Everything was fine until the moment he kissed me. I kissed him back. And this happened 3 times within 5 minutes. After the 3rd time my husband walked out and saw us and since then my marriage has gone down the toilet. I am not going to sit here and say "it happened" because at that instant of the second kiss I felt I wanted "that connection" with him. Let me break something down for you. Since our first childs' death, I have suffered SEVERE depression for it and felt completely disconnected from everyone, including my husband. He won't even talk to me about our son. It seems like the only time he wants a "connection" with me is when he wants sex. I have tried repeatedly to fix our communication issues but he says there is nothing to say. Even in the bedroom this are disconnected. It is about getting yours and thats it. There is no intamacy, and I have tried to fix this, but he hates to "cuddle" or spend very much time in that sense. I even have brought up new things in the bedroom, but he is with little interest. The week before my kisisng my friend, I misscarried our third child, and that tore me apart. I was reliving my nightmare all over again, and all he could say was "atleast it wasn't born" but it still was a baby to me. I carried it for 13 weeks. I have cut off all ties with my old friend, and have done nothing but stay at home and take care of our child and the house. I love my husband with all my heart, and really am sorry for what I did. I made a mistake, and I wish there was something that could take away his pain. I want our marriage to work, but all he says is that I created the situation and I have to find a way to fix it, but he won't tell me how. Numerous times I find him looking at porn online and masturbating, instead of coming to me, and that is seriously affecting us, but he said he likes it and is going to continue it regardless how I feel. I am so lost as to what to do. I love him and yes, I do need him. I am not going to be afraid to say I do just because I am a woman. He is all I have known, all I want to know. I just feel so helpless.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am very sorry for your many hardships that you have had to endure. The loss of children and potential children is devastating to say the least. If any couple ever needed marriage counseling it is you and your husband.

 

Your husband clearly has numerous problems that need to be addressed in counseling. On the other hand, you have disrespected and hurt your husband in a major way. Your husband accepted your friend to come over to your home to catch up and your husband has to catch you kissing another man in your house on a couch? Your home should be the one place where you and your husband should feel secure. What you did by kissing another man behind your husband's back while he was in the house sent a very clear message. The message was that you have no respect for your husband and your home. How do you think you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? I would suspect your would feel totally humiliated and degraded which is how your husband must feel right now.

 

Again you both need to seek counseling. I wish you luck.