Maggs Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 Okay. Basically after a year and a half together (and 7 months LD), my BF and I have an opportunity for me to go back to his country for an extended visit in December. For about 3 months. It's a one time deal only. I have 2 major concerns: #1 Every answer to every question about what he thinks will happen, or what he would like to see happen or if there's any future together at all is always 'I don't know' or 'well we'll see'. Is there any point in going at this point in time if this is how he feels about us? I don't really want to put myself through heartbreak if he can't even say what he'd like to see happen down the line. Is this a fair question to ask him before I buy a plane ticket? I don't want to seem like I'm trying to push him for an answer. #2 When I do come back here, I'm going to have to move out of my parents place. I've been here since I came back in Feb. because it was our plan together...what was best for us at the time. But I'm nearly 30 and frankly, tired of not having my own spot anymore. But I know the reality of once I get an apartment is I'll be broke, I won't be able to take time off to see him at all and we'll probably just end up going downhill from there. So if I do go, basically my plan is that I'll move back here. Get an apartment, a job and if there's still no talk about any future together or moving on after a certain length of time than I'm ending things. I'm hoping he'll have some idea of what he wants by the time I come back too. I hate all this 'we'll wait and see' business. Well in my opinion, at some point you have to just sit down and make a decision. You can't spend your whole life 'waiting and seeing' what will happen. I don't think it's fair on me for him to keep saying this. I guess this really isn't a question, just a worry. And the only reason I'm asking these things and concerned about them is because when I left in Feb there was lots of talk (only from him) about getting married and me coming back and since then there's been none whatsoever. I guess I just don't know what's going to happen. And I don't know what's fair on my part to ask of him. Having a sad night Link to post Share on other sites
megapositive Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 I think it's more than fair to ask him what he'd like regarding your future together before going on a 3 month trip together to his country. That kind of trip can be an intense and incredible bonding experience for a couple. So it's quite an emotional investment on your part to a guy that can't seem to vocalize the status of your relationship. So you mean when you were LD for 7 months he talked a lot about marriage etc., and then when you returned he hasn't spoke of those types of things? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 Maggs, if I'm understanding correctly, your concern is spending the money and three months out of your life for something that could as easily turn into nothing...is that correct? If so, that is what I would tell him ~ there's nothing to ask as much as there is a concern to express, I mean. Maybe also tell him that once he has a clearer vision of where you fit into his future, then you might want to consider an extended stay. But that you are ready, and do intend, to get your own place in 'x' months. Thereafter, he will have to be one visiting you for an extended stay...IF you and/or he still have any interest in doing that. I would have the same doubts and concerns as you. But I wouldn't necessarily be waiting for him to, uh, say (or do) whatever you are waiting for him to say (or do.) I'd be telling him what I want, need and plan to do, and finding out if/how HE wants to fit in with that. Link to post Share on other sites
megapositive Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 Well put Ronni! Perfect! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 Well put Ronni! Perfect! Thanks, mega. Love your username, btw...wish I was more adept at being that way ALL the time. But it's a nice thing to practice, so I don't mind . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggs Posted September 13, 2008 Author Share Posted September 13, 2008 So you mean when you were LD for 7 months he talked a lot about marriage etc., and then when you returned he hasn't spoke of those types of things? No we were together for a year in the same area, then before we became LD he started talking about it. Whether it was meant to be a promise or just him missing me because I was going I don't know... Maggs, if I'm understanding correctly, your concern is spending the money and three months out of your life for something that could as easily turn into nothing...is that correct? If so, that is what I would tell him ~ there's nothing to ask as much as there is a concern to express, I mean. Maybe also tell him that once he has a clearer vision of where you fit into his future, then you might want to consider an extended stay. But that you are ready, and do intend, to get your own place in 'x' months. Thereafter, he will have to be one visiting you for an extended stay...IF you and/or he still have any interest in doing that. I would have the same doubts and concerns as you. But I wouldn't necessarily be waiting for him to, uh, say (or do) whatever you are waiting for him to say (or do.) I'd be telling him what I want, need and plan to do, and finding out if/how HE wants to fit in with that. Yes that is EXACTLY my concern! I will be giving up my job, spending money on an expensive flight and basically becoming entirely dependent on him for 3 months and then for him to STILL say at the end well...I don't know, or we'll wait and see after the next visit. Screw that! I'm going to tell him my concerns today. I'll be curious what he says... But I'm glad to know that I'm not crazy in having these unsure feelings about things! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 that is EXACTLY my concern! I will be giving up my job, ... and basically becoming entirely dependent on him for 3 months Wishing you the best when you two talk, today. (((hugs))) To my way of thinking, only a crazy person would NOT recognize the pitfalls of the situation into which you are considering putting yourself! 1. Would it be possible for you to get a 3-month leave of absence? It is at least worth enquiring about, perhaps? 2. Are you sure that your relationship is strong enough to withstand one person becoming ENTIRELY dependent on the other, for any length of time? Would it be possible to delay your extended visit until you will be able to finance yourself through 100% of it? You betcha, I would be hugely concerned about the possible negative impacts and consequences (so) For my money, you are being wise and prudent to have things sorted out as far as possible, before taking another step towards making this situation your reality. You betcha! Link to post Share on other sites
cybersister Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 Ask yourself ...do i love this person enough to let go of my job and independence for the chance of what maybe the best three months of my life.? Or the worst. My view is that so long as you are confident of getting another job the only way of finding out if this relationship will work out would be to go . If you do not go you will never know what would have happened of you had have gone. btw ... I am in a similar position- been in a relationship 4+ years which has been LD the past 3. I could take a leave of absence to try out the relationship but not for a year as I have a son at home who plans to go to uni in a year. So that is my plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggs Posted September 14, 2008 Author Share Posted September 14, 2008 1. Would it be possible for you to get a 3-month leave of absence? It is at least worth enquiring about, perhaps? 2. Are you sure that your relationship is strong enough to withstand one person becoming ENTIRELY dependent on the other, for any length of time? Would it be possible to delay your extended visit until you will be able to finance yourself through 100% of it? Where I work, I'm currently classified as a 'casual' so I can probably easily tell them I'll be away and get some work when I get back. But I've not approached my supervisors yet either. I plan to leave this town sometime after I get back anyway to get into a place of my own. So I'm having enough saved in the bank to be able to do this hopefully without too much worry. As far as delaying it...no not really, I've got to stretch out my visits as much as possible (as to not alert myself to customs) and I'm going over in December anyway for a visit and it's a good time too because it's about time I get out on my own again if there's no plans for me to move back there in the foreseeable future. Ask yourself ...do i love this person enough to let go of my job and independence for the chance of what maybe the best three months of my life.? Or the worst. My view is that so long as you are confident of getting another job the only way of finding out if this relationship will work out would be to go . If you do not go you will never know what would have happened of you had have gone. btw ... I am in a similar position- been in a relationship 4+ years which has been LD the past 3. I could take a leave of absence to try out the relationship but not for a year as I have a son at home who plans to go to uni in a year. So that is my plan. Well luckily we have had a chance at having a 'normal' relationship for a whole year. We spent loads of weeks and weekends together so I think we can handle the 3 months. But I feel after the strain of the last few months LD, that we really need this to either get back on track or go our separate ways. I feel like this is a 'make or break' spot for us right now. I hope you have good luck in any trial living together periods in the future too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggs Posted September 14, 2008 Author Share Posted September 14, 2008 Well I approached him yesterday. I told him my concerns and asked him if he sees us together in the foreseeable future. Or if he even wants to. Well I'm not sure whether he thought I was expecting a play by play for the next couple of yrs or what but he seemed to just get defensive rather than answer the question. All I wanted to hear him say was yes I still want you in my future (whether that be 6 months or a lifetime). Anyways I was needless to say, not impressed by his defensiveness. His answer finally was 'well if I didn't want to be with you, I would have broken up with you!' Gee....how nice! Well to me it seems a little like saying to a dog well I feed you and give you a warm home but if you don't pet and love the dog, doesn't make you a good pet-owner! Or maybe I'm being stupid. Obviously a man's logic in things. At this point, we stepped away from the conversation. He was getting angry (for no apparent reason in my eyes) and I didn't want it to escalate. A few mins later he came back and did say that yes he did want me in his life but he couldn't stand that I needed constant reassurance. My answer to that was well actually you never talk about our future anymore. And the last time was 6 months ago. And after a LD relationship and the strain of it, perhaps feelings have changed. He said I need to trust him. Well I'd probably trust him a lot more if he didn't get all defensive and be an idiot when I ask him a simple question like I did. So I was blunt him with...I told him I didn't appreciate the attitude when I asked for something simple like that. Sometimes you need a bit extra reassurance and love and that a little goes a long way. Especially when you don't see each other to get the daily reassurances--ie: hugs, smiles, quick kisses, etc. So this seemed to me like a bit of a red flag. Why couldn't he just have answered my question rather than get all defensive and try to argue with me for 20 mins!! Either it's a red flag or this is just the 'man's logic'. Either way--this is even more reason why I think these 3 months will really be make or break time for us. So now everything seems strained. He's not apologized and I have no idea why he'd be hurt anyway. I'm the one hurt. It's hard with LDR's. How do you get back after an argument? And I don't know whether to drop it or tell him I was hurt. After this--it seems it's not worth it. Because he'll just get angry again. Link to post Share on other sites
megapositive Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 Ronni was correct, telling him your thoughts instead of asking him questions is the way to go. Asking can come off as needy, especially if he's a "fix-it" type guy, a guy who views communication as problem-solving as opposed to sharing. His defensiveness may have come from feeling helpless to console you (in his mind). Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 --this is even more reason why I think these 3 months will really be make or break time for us. Maggs, If you were to PRETEND that you know, what would be your answer to the question, "Are these three months going to make you two, or are these three months going to break you two?" Just pretend that you already KNOW the answer. If you were absolutely forced to make a GUESS (let's say, forced at gunpoint), what would you guess? Am I right in thinking that a small part of your mind is trying to tell you...what? Something, I know...but...what? Link to post Share on other sites
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