This is a big rant AM I CRAZY

[idk]

I am 30 years old and on my third marriage. I know you are thinking after failing twice why would I do it again. Trust me whe I say I thought he was my best friend. about 3 months ago he had a break down and got abusiv left for a week cheated and begged me back. I went as far as to get a restraining order and while in court he cried and begged me to come back. I did. We started consouling and I really thought that things would be better and they were. the passed couple weeks all he wants to do is hang out at our local bar (he doesn't drink). I can't get him to spend any time with me and I spend a lot of time alone. I don't want to talk to my friends or family because thier supprt ended when I took him back. I don't know what to do. He says he loves me but the next day calls me names or yells at me. I AM THE BEST WIFE. I can say that wih extreme confidence. He gets whatever he wants or needs. but...... I don't I am kind of od fashion and really thought this was my job but I am not sure how living in a one sided marriage is healthy. OUr therapist is trying to get through to him in the most delicate way. don't know what more to say except someone remind me of how stupid I am for sticking this out or give me some suggestions on how to cope;

[imagine]

How long are you married?

What was the cause of breakdown in your previous marriages?

Why should he want to escape from you? Do you argue?

[whichwayisup]

I was just thinking the same thing..What was the cause of his breakdown? Does he or has he suffered from depression? Bi-Polar? How long did you know him before getting married?

 

Something is "off" inside of him. Unless he was an abuser all along and just waite till you were married to show his true colours - But chances are he has suffered some kind of stress which has made him go through a crisis, affecting his behaviour. He needs to see a doctor too, not just counselling.

[Walk]

First, I think you'd be mentally and physcially better off without your husband in your life right now. Why don't you two take a long break and you use that time to decide if this marriage is what you want in your life?

 

Second, it's seems you have a pattern of ill suited relationships going on. I think this is the main issue you should focus on. Maybe with the help of some individual counseling? But I believe you're setting yourself up for relationships that won't work out. It could be that you're seeking certain aspects in a partner that don't make them good long term partners. For instance, some people seek out certain individuals who were just like a parent, and then bend over backwards to gain that persons love. Its a hope that if they can succeed in earning that love, that they can "fix" the hole where their parents love should've been. Not saying that's what is hanging you up, it's just an example.

 

I believe if you can figure out why you land in bad relationships then you can break the pattern in your current relationship. Either by leaving it permenantly, or setting up much stronger boundaries within the relationship.

 

p.s. I would find it helpful if you gave more detail about your past marriages, and how your husband behaved prior to his "melt down".

[idk]

Thanks for the advise guys.......to answer a few questions.... I have know my husband for 13 years. We were friends long before dating. He was amazing when we started dating I can honestly say too perfect (I thought too perfect at the time but then I thought that maybe I was just denying myself real love)

 

As for my failed marriages..... first one I was 17 and looking for a father figure....

 

sencond one Birth Control failed and I got prego.....

 

I think you are right when you say I have a FIX IT issue.. I guess that is why it is so hard to let go now I want to fix this but I do believe he is Bi-Polar. He started taking Lexapro last year for depression but I have heard this has reverse effects on someone who is bi-polar. He will not tell his Dr his symptoms because he doesn't want anyone to think he is crazy.

 

If I speak with his Dr does she have to keep our conversation quiet?

 

I want to take care of him and help him but I don't know if I can take much more.

[LakesideDream]

Thanks for the advise guys.......to answer a few questions.... I have know my husband for 13 years. We were friends long before dating. He was amazing when we started dating I can honestly say too perfect (I thought too perfect at the time but then I thought that maybe I was just denying myself real love)

 

As for my failed marriages..... first one I was 17 and looking for a father figure....

 

sencond one Birth Control failed and I got prego.....

 

I think you are right when you say I have a FIX IT issue.. I guess that is why it is so hard to let go now I want to fix this but I do believe he is Bi-Polar. He started taking Lexapro last year for depression but I have heard this has reverse effects on someone who is bi-polar. He will not tell his Dr his symptoms because he doesn't want anyone to think he is crazy.

 

If I speak with his Dr does she have to keep our conversation quiet?

 

I want to take care of him and help him but I don't know if I can take much more.

 

Time to stop getting/being married, and start becoming responsible for your actions. Your 1st marriage didn't fail because you wanted a father figure, it failed because you were immature, not ready for marriage.

 

Your second marriage didn't end because your birth control failed. At the least it failed because you were not mature enough to adjust to the situation.

 

You haven't given the cause for your current marriages failure, just the symptoms. I'd take a bet that the root caue is centered around a lack of maturity somewhere.

 

Make better decisions. Take some time to get to know yourself and grow up.

[Fairy_kisses]

You have been with your current husband for 13 years? You've been with him a long time, and after what he did in the past... you forgave him.

My father has been married 4 times; he finally met his match with #4 and has been with her for over 17 years, and counting.

Just because he is your 3rd marriage and you two have been together for so long, that is no excuse for you to stay with him and be miserable. You said he has abused you and cheated on you, then begged for you back... really, you need to think about it... are you happy? You forgave him for the physical and mental abuse... why? You forgave his being unfaithful (which is disrespecting you and your vows)... why?

You should seriously ask yourself... "why?" "Why did I take him back? Is is possible for me to ever really be happy with him after all he has done?"

I would imagine you can't come up with a logical or understandable explination to the big question of "why?" A happy marriage does not involve constant worry about whether or not your spouse is cheating.. You deserve better!

Ofcourse, it is easier said than done... You only live once and you should do whatever you can to be happy. Divorce sucks (as you know), but it exists for a reason. I am sure you got married each time for reasons that you felt to be right. In your last two marriages, I am sure divorce was the last thing you expected to happen. Apparently it did happen, but you moved on with your life. You can't predict the future, but you know you want to be happy, right?

If I were in your shoes, I could not live with someone who betrayed and disrespected me; like your husband did to you. Based on your comments so far, you sound like a respectful, affectionate and determined individual. You even mentioned that you are "the best wife"... that being said... he DOES NOT deserve you! Do not let him walk all over you... I know it is easier said than done, but (in my opinion) you need to let him go. He is obviously not ready to grow up and accept that he has a caring and devoted wife. The one person in life willing to always stand by him and faithfully be strong... someone who would proudly give "their all" just to see him smile. If he respected you, like you obviously respect him, he would not hurt you like he has. Just look deep in yourself and see that you are SO much better than him, you deserve to be loved just as much (if not more) than the love you give. It seems in life you have to see the bottom before you can reach the top. (Just try to avoid hitting the bottom... it is not a good time! hehe). Good luck to you... I wish you all the best!!!

[In Like Flynn]

Married people should not go to bars without their spouse. Especially those whpo have cheated before. If he refuses to stop them leave and don't look back.

[DragonSlayer]

No. This is probably how you were conditioned. Is one of your parents an alcoholic by any chance? You may want to read up on co-dependents (your role) and relationship addiction.

 

Yes...maybe he's a loser, maybe he's not, but you need to find out why you're picking guys like this and/or why you're playing this role...but first you need to stop picking any guys and work on yourself....for a few years.

 

You need to make yourself happy before you can take on guys with issues or relationships with issues...which are the only kind of relationships you'll have unless you address this.

 

Don't be old fashioned...old fashioned is patriarchal, sexist, and restrictive to women. Be a strong, independent, whole woman...THEN find a strong, independent, whole man and create a life together where you both allow each other to grow. Till then, you'll be entering this cycle again. Most likely the same cycle your mom had or you had as a child while trying to "raise" one or both of your parents.

 

Yeah, this stuff is trite...but true.

[Lizzie60]

My advice : DO NOT cope!!!! he won't change.. he might even get worst (physical).. this guy is a jerk.. you are wasting your time and energy on this loser.

 

Kick him to the curb.. he is a liar and manipulative.. 'spoiled brat' in other words..

 

I just don't get it with women ... geezzz... stand up for yourself.. stop being 'abused' and walked all over..

 

DO NOT get married again.. another advice..