Understanding

[manymaliboo]

I am new to this board and just don't understand or feel like I could use some help. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married 9. We have 2 children 5 & 7. We have relocated twice in the last few years due to his job. After I had my youngest, got depressed, spent a lot of money. After the first relocation, got very depressed, eventually got help and meds for a time. After our 2nd relocation, a 1/2 year later caught him having an affair with a married co-worker 10 years older than us. He moved out in May, filled for divorce in July. I got a lawyer, did my response and nothing since. He goes from hating my guts, to being nice, to wanting to be around and then wanting sex, then back to hating my guts. Don't understand, I have owned my shortcomings more than once. I am not perfect and do not pretend to be to anyone.

 

He wants to see the kids more, wants things to be more equal. We will see how it goes. Guess I really have two questions.

1. Is this roller coaster normal and is him wanting to have sex though he wanted out and wouldn't get help normal? What does one do?

and 2. How do you deal with the roller coaster. Even when he is sort of being ok, if we talk, no matter what I am always at fault. Everything is totally turned around on me. I feel that when I try to nicely stick up for myself, I am treated like a hostal enemy. I am tired of being controlled. I need to take my life back, need to be able to stand up for myself, who I am and what I want. I will have to deal with him for many years to come. I think I am finally over the hope that he would leave, miss his family and try to save our marriage and get help. But I just feel manipulated and can't seem to get out of this spiral that I get into each time we talk. Of curce that is unless he wants sex. Then he is nice, we have long converstaions that don't seem to be a problem.

 

any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

thank you

[HeatherAngel]

Sex is Sex, is Sex.

 

Often, nothing more, nothing less - regardless of the feelings on either part.

 

How he consistently treats you is more important than anything he says - and you must ignore anything - EVERYTHING - he says before or during sex. There is truth in the saying: believe nothing you hear and less than half of what you see right now. Neither of you are on rock solid ground, and emotions can be very very confusing things.

 

Hang in there, trust your gut, and trust how you FEEL about YOURSELF after interaction with him - soon you'll see either that you feel good (or at least calm) when you speak to him/see him, or you feel terrible... or somewhere in between.

 

Remember - you don't have to settle for being ANYONE'S 'fall back' or second choice - no matter how long you were together, or how complex your situation seems.

 

Good luck!

[manymaliboo]

Thanks. My gut tells me to let go and move on. Not many tears anymore. More of an understanding on my part that not everything is my fault and that I can not change anyone else. I read a lot of threads last night, makes you feel like you are not alone, and gave me hope for my future.

 

As for the sex is sex. You are right. For awhile thought it was a way to hang on. Now I have seen a pattern over months. Every time I give in, within 24 hours he is back to his rantings of hating me and letting me know what a horrible person I am. The actions after tell me more about him, more of the negitive that I never wanted to see and always closed my eyes to.

 

If he is the one that left, why is it that he feels the need to consistently put me down, turn every comment that I say into me being hard to deal with. If I tell him that I would like more than a few hours advance notice when he wants to change plans with the kids, then I am not "working" with him and the kids are not just mine, etc.

[livinlovin]

 

If he is the one that left, why is it that he feels the need to consistently put me down, turn every comment that I say into me being hard to deal with. If I tell him that I would like more than a few hours advance notice when he wants to change plans with the kids, then I am not "working" with him and the kids are not just mine, etc.

 

No one knows why people act the way they do, but I think that when your ex starts to put you down, etc. its because they feel guilty or bad about themselves.

[Mr. Lucky]

After our 2nd relocation, a 1/2 year later caught him having an affair with a married co-worker 10 years older than us. He moved out in May, filled for divorce in July.

But I just feel manipulated and can't seem to get out of this spiral that I get into each time we talk. Of curce that is unless he wants sex. Then he is nice, we have long converstaions that don't seem to be a problem.

You're having sex with the man that left you and his kids for another woman ???

 

If he can play you into that, it's pretty easy to see why he feels he can get you to do most anything he wants...

 

Mr. Lucky

[manymaliboo]

Mr. Lucky you are right. I play right into his hands. I need to fix that!

 

The OW is gone. She quit her 6 figure job to prove to her husband she wanted to make their marriage work, that he and the kids are what she really wanted. It has been a few months. Part of me thought maybe he would start to miss his family, having a wife and kids who looked forward to seeing him each night and coming home to people who cared. Not gonna happen. Get that know. My neighbor found him on 2 local personal websited. Really liked the man he protrayed himself to be. Didn't like the way he used the kids in it though. thought that went a bit far.

 

I look back and know I’m getting played, but hard to see sometimes when you are slipping back into the roller coaster. He comes back, talks his talks…gets me to open up…tells me how much he misses our bed..etc…This last weekend same thing, after 3 hours of talking and not leaving the house, his weekend with the kids, he was surprised to find me not responsive to his advances. Part of me is like…you think sex was so good and that wasn’t a problem with our marriage, well you left that too, no more…that is something I need to do for myself, just say no.

 

I know I should not listen to the negative things he says or the negative spin he puts on what I say. It is hard not to listen to someone whose opinion has meant so much for so long. I know that I am not perfect. I owned my shortcomings to myself and to him. He will take no ownership for anything for the last 10 years of our lives together. I know I was not always a partner, I got depressed, got help & meds…I feel I have owned my part. But I can’t expect him to do the same. Just still take it to heart and need to find a way to stop that cycle.

 

How do you communicate with someone who turns everything you say around? I stand up for myself, not meanly, but put my thoughts /requests out there and wham. He has turned into something negative that I have done/did/or will do. How do I communicate with the constant manipulation? I want my kids to have both parents in their lives. Parents that can parent together, not get stuck in the baggage. Just don’t know how to keep my backbone & sanity. Don’t know how to not get sucked into the constant turning of what I say or do.

[zazue]

Hun, there is no understanding why in this kind of situation. I'm going through the exact same kind of verbal abuse myself right now. I would suggest that you do what I do when the verbal abuse starts. Calmly say "I can see that you are very upset right now. Please call me back when you feel calmer" say good-bye, and hang up. It's hard, but it works for me.

 

Also, no more sex. It won't help you, or make him come back. He is using you like a tissue. Sex is another way to control you.

 

Good Luck! We are all here for you.