My sister has turned very religious

[cindy0039]

A few years ago when my sister was going through a very rough time in her marriage (she found out her husband was having an affair), she started going to church regularly and began talking to her pastor, who then recommended her to a Christian counselor.

 

Before all this happened, we were very close and spoke on the phone all the time and told each other everything. And when she was suspicious that something was going on with her husband, she would call me all the time crying on my shoulder, which I didn't mind because...well, she's my sister. When she asked for my advice I gave it and offered my support whenever I could.

 

Well, they separated for 6 months and then started going to counseling together, and slowly she began to call me less and less and stopped talking to me about what was going on. The next thing I knew, she announced that she and her husband were back together and both had found religion and had been saved. While I was happy for them and their children, I have to admit that I was a little skeptical of the sudden change and hoped that she wasn't setting herself up for more hurt.

 

They seemed to get along when I saw them together, so I was glad they had worked things out. But what I thought was odd was that she never called me anymore and rarely had anything to say to me. Suddenly she was totally involved in her church and the people she met there and never had time for any of the rest of her family...me or my brother or sisters, mom and dad, etc. And we all live in the same town. It's like she decided that we are all "the sinners" and she can associate only with the "saved" now. Although, my brother was baptized during this time and she came to that, but afterwards didn't seem to treat him any differently either, so go figure.

 

Any time I try to have a serious conversation with her, she starts preaching or talking about religious scriptures and making comments like she wishes we were all going to spend eternity together like her and her husband and their friends, since they've devoted their lives to God. Honestly, she doesn't have a clue what's going on in my life or what my relationship with God is and it hurts me that she judges me. And all this time I thought that was God's job. hmm

 

I've tried talking to her about this, but she doesn't even talk to me on the phone anymore...it's all through email. Any suggestions?

[Tony T]

It's sad but many people have religious experiences of this sort. They're chock full of hypocrisy because their own religion teaches love, forgiveness, etc., but they don't practice it because maybe they missed the lesson that day. It's up to YOU at this point to be the real religious person by showing her compassion and understanding. She's probably still very deeply troubled by the betrayal of her husband and displacing her anger, fear, insecurity, etc. onto religion which gives her a degree of comfort. And let's face it, belonging to an organization that promises us eternal residence behind the pearly gates is a pretty exclusive club. So she's acting just like a snob who belongs to the town's most coveted Yacht or Golf and Country Club. That's simply immaturity. Again, try to show her compassion.

 

Unfortunately, your sister is not the only "saved" person who behaves like this. It's very painful to remember the great relationship you had with her at one time and see what it has degenerated to now. But in all your days on this planet, you will see your friendships and associations evolve, change, modify or end and that's sort of the way it's supposed to be. People grow and circumstances change. You'd be surprised at the number of siblings and other family members who don't even speak to each other. You'd be astounded at how many family members plot to or actually murder one another. At least your sister talks to you. But now, her circumstances are such that she realizes what she may have had in common with you before may not be there now that her life has dramatically changed.

 

The upside is that one day, maybe soon, maybe a long way down the road, circumstances will change again...and your sister will be on the phone to you daily once again. Don't hold your breath because it may take a long time. With time, she will gain her senses. One day she will be in Sunday School and she'll have a teacher who reminds her that her church teaches love, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, etc. Don't you wonder why people have to be reminded of that ever so often?

 

I know exactly how you feel. I've never lost a friend to Jesus but I've lost them to other circumstances...jobs, relationships, moves, etc....and it's really painful. All you can do is wish your sister the very best and hope that she finds her way home eventually.

[moimeme]

Now there's the Tony I remember

 

I completely agree, Cindy. I think your sister is clinging to this new religion like someone drowning would cling to a lifesaver. She almost lost everything and regained it through this new avocation. It seems a type of overreaction but people do do that sort of thing.

 

This religion stuff may well lessen its hold over her in time as she feels that her life is back on track and secure - or maybe it won't. Some people are more susceptible to the cult methodologies used by these sects. Some people numb their pain or distress by addictively doing something (sports, work, hobby, whatever).

 

My friend's brother was deeply involved in a very religious sect like that for over twenty years. Now he's away from it but it took a long time for him to become disillusioned.

 

I'm sorry; it must be hard for you to miss her so much. Keep up whatever contact that she accepts, even if only email, so that she'll know you hung in there.

[cindy0039]

I want to thank you Tony and Moimeme for your wonderful responses. They made me cry because they are so right on target and make perfect sense for my situation and it's such a relief to know that it's not just me and that others see and understand. My husband and I have talked a lot about the situation and he has said some of the same things but in his own words.

 

For the first time ever I wrote my sister an email this weekend explaining how I felt and that it seemed that rather than becoming more forgiving of people (one person in our family in particular) she has become more judgmental and narrow-minded. I also reminded her that it was not her place to decide who will live an eternity but God's. Her response was to send me the John 3:16 scripture, which I'm already very familiar with. All that did is prove MY point. It gets frustrating, to say the least.

 

On a positive note, she did send me an email today (after church apparently), of a very cool tone, saying she was sorry if she'd ever done or said anything to make me feel judged, that she hadn't meant to, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. At least she made the effort and I will give her points for that.

 

You're right Tony. I'm hoping that with time and with me becoming stronger in my ability to speak up to her and let her know my feelings, she will come around. It looks like the rest of my family is depending on me to wake her up to a few things.

 

Again, thanks so much for taking the time and for caring about my problem. It means a lot to me.