disfunction in the family

[konfuzd]

My boyfriend's grandfather is very ill and the prognosis is not good. Even though I've never met the man, I can't stop crying.

 

I come from a pretty disfunctional family. The only grandparent I've ever known was my mom's mom. Her husband died when my mom was 16, and my mom never had a good relationship with her parents. My grandma had a preference for boys, and because I was a girl, she always put me down and made me feel less of a person. Being a woman herself, it never really made any sense, but that's the way it was. My mom always kept my hair long, and my grandma would tell me it looked like a rat's nest or say that one day she was going to turn me upside down and mop the floors with my nasty hair. This all happened when I was about 6 or 7, and left a permanent scar on my self esteem. In contrast, my brother was a true prince in her eyes and could do no wrong.

 

My dad never spoke of his family. He cut all ties when he left home at 18, so I never had the chance to meet his parents, and I have no idea if either of them are still living.

 

Throughout my life, I always envied my friends who had grandmas who would bake cookies and grandpas who would have all sorts of great stories and jokes to tell. I felt I was missing out. Even though I'm close to my parents, I've never had extended family, and I always wanted to meet a man with a close-knit family, so I could feel what it was like to be part of a big family who celebrated holidays together, or at least kept in touch more than once every 4 or 5 years as my family did.

 

When I met my bf, he told me that he strived to be like his grandfather, he said if he could be half the man that he was, he would feel like he had a great life, and could die happy. I hear wonderful things about this man from my bf and from his father. I always told them how excited I was to eventually meet this man.

 

My bf called me today and said his grandpa is not well, and the outlook is not too good. He and his parents are going to visit him in the hospital tomorrow. It may sound odd to some, but I feel as if I'm losing someone close to me, even though I've never met the man. I know I can't revel in the loss I feel, because I want to be supportive of my bf and his family who are going through the real loss here.

 

I know this may sound screwed up and selfish, but I don't know how to deal with this loss, yet try to be strong for my bf. Is this really messed up? Any thoughts?

[Ronni_W]

(sorry for the long post - not sure what to take out, so leaving as is.)

 

First, I am sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs))) I hope that Grandpa is comfortable and pain-free.

 

Actually, it is not "messed up" at all. And you are showing remarkable insight and self-awareness about what is going on for you. One big thing is to remember that Grandpa is not dead yet...right now, they are only needing support to the extent that he MAY be dying.

 

But I also understand how people who don't know your own family history, or who haven't gone through a similar "loss by extension" MAY find it a little 'strange'. That is their issue, not yours. It really is just that they don't have any experience with it, so they may not be able to fully understand it.

 

To me, it sounds as if you do have the empathy and understanding to totally support your b/f and his family through this -- I honestly don't think you need be concerned about your ability to do that. You can also offer to do practical things like grocery shopping, babysitting for the family, cook a meal, do laundry, run errands, etc.

 

Interesting that you use the word "revel" in terms of your own feelings of loss and grief. On one hand, it is such an apt description but on the other, the act of grieving is quite the opposite, isn't it?

 

How do you deal with your own "loss by extension"? Well, I think you've already taken a big step by just acknowledging that your sad feelings do exist. Being strong for those who are closer to Grandpa is a decision and choice that you have to make -- it's just about putting them first at the times that they need it.

But you need not hold in your own tears at any time. You certainly can sob as loudly (or more) as they do. The trick there is to not EXPECT them to comfort you, so much...to be okay if they do not, that is. (Though likely someone will be available to comfort you, too.)

 

It would also be good if you can maintain enough presence of mind to not do anything that will require them to have to place unnecessary energy or focus on you. For example, becoming hysterical or throwing yourself over the hospital bed/coffin. Other than that, anything goes when one is grieving...and one can grieve for ANYone -- not just for those relationships that others would have seen were "close and personal" to us.

 

Here is a link that may help you deal with your feelings...and perhaps you can share it with your b/f when it feels like the right time to do that.

http://www.coping.org/grief/content.htm

 

Quick personal story: Over the years, I've often told friends that their dad's death was personal to me because I had come to see him as a father-figure in my own life -- they always seemed to REALLY appreciate hearing that. (My own dad died when I was way young.) So, you may also want to share the connection that you felt to Grandpa, and let others know that it was obviously more of an 'energetic' connection but it was wonderfully real and comforting for you, nonetheless.

Wishing you Strength and Comfort.

[konfuzd]

What a thoughtful and well written response, Ronni. Thank you. It really did make me feel better.

 

I was very strong when my bf called me. We are in an LDR, so I haven't had the chance to see him. His grandfather lives not far from me, so once he's done visiting Grandpa, I will get a chance to spend time with my bf and his family. I can only hope by that time the outlook is better.

 

I talked to my mom last night. At first she brushed it off like I shouldn't be so upset but she called me back later and apologized. After that, we had a good talk which also helped me feel better.

[ed-205]

Excellent post, Ronnie. I can't think of anything you missed.

 

Konfuzed- there is a good book by Neil Chethik entitled "Fatherloss", and it is focused especially on the grief that men feel over the death of their fathers. I think you might find it helpful in understanding the feelings that you and your b/fs family might be experiencing. You might give it a read if you can find it (I just checked, and Amazon still has it).

[konfuzd]

Thanks Ed, I will definately look into that.

[konfuzd]

So, I just got a call from the bf. His granfather is not going to make it. His organs have begun shutting down, and they are simply keeping him sedated until he passes.

[Ronni_W]

konfuzd, I am sorry to hear that. How are you doing?

Sending hugs and comfort to you, your b/f, Grandpa and all those who love him.

 

 

Ed, thanks for your kind words.

[konfuzd]

I'm doing alright today. Trying to keep busy to not think about it too much. I tried to offer encouraging words to my bf when he called, but I regret that I didn't offer to travel to be with him.

 

I'm really not sure how to be supportive when I'm not with him. I bought him and his family sympathy cards and I told him that I'd make myself available when he is on his way home if he wanted to get together.

 

I think I've got to the point with my own issues where I can put on a strong face and be supportive to him and his family.

 

Thanks once again for your concern. It is nice to be able to come here and vent my feelings and get support.

[Ronni_W]

I'm glad to hear you are doing okay. Has Grandpa passed already? (Cos of course don't send the cards until he does.)

 

I wouldn't worry too much about not offering to go and be with him. I firmly believe that, if that would have been the best thing for all concerned, then the Universe would have "put it in your mind", to think to say it. So, don't focus on that part...just on the parts that'll help you feel better. You did enough, in any event, by offering to be there for him later on. He'll probably appreciate that you gave him the space to just be with his immediate family.

 

Something that I appreciate from others, is when they ask me what I need ~ so, you can do that, too...just say to him, "What do you need from me, right now?"

If he says, "Nothing", then you can let him know that he can call you if/when he thinks of something. (It won't mean that he doesn't need YOU, just that his mind can't think of anything that he needs right at that moment.)

 

Take care,

Ronni

[konfuzd]

The last update I got was that they are just keeping him sedated until he goes. It could be hours, it could be days.

 

I took your advice and asked if he needed anything, but he refused. I guess there really is nothing I can do but offer my support.

 

To add to everything, he was supposed to move to my city in October (he lives 14 hours away). This has now been postponed. He's not sure when he can come down now, because he's taken a week off work and spent a lot of money travelling to be with his grandpa, and will have to make another trip for the funeral. I have no idea when I will get to see him again.