"I'm not in love with you." What now?

[Alvy Singer]

Here’s an update to my story. Original posting here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161448/

 

My wife and I (both 27, married four years) have been living apart now for about nine months. The distance was due to different jobs and not a desire to separate. However, looking back, we probably were having a few problems back then, even though we didn’t talk about it.

 

Anyway, over those nine months we’ve been seeing each other on the weekends, about twice a month. Unfortunately, we’ve drifted apart and now struggle to find things to talk about and simply “having fun” when we hang out is a real battle. We don’t fight – never have – but we just don’t get on as well as we used to.

 

I want this to change. I want to get back what we’ve lost, get it back to how it used to be. She says she’s changed since she’s moved away – she has a terrific job, a lot more independence, great friends and a good social life. She wasn’t very happy in her work or social life before she moved. She says she’s not sure if I fit into her new life now, or if she wants me to be a part of it. She says she has so much to experience and doesn't want to feel like she always has someone relying on her/waiting for her etc.

 

For the last two weeks I’ve moved so we can be together again, so we can bridge that distance gap and see how we get on when we see each other every day. It’s not really helped. I feel she’s shutting me out and not letting herself get close to me again.

 

Last night she told me she cares deeply for me, but she’s not in love with me anymore. She told me she feels like, emotionally, she’s left me already. She doesn’t feel any spark, any chemistry.

 

She insisted she’s not having (or had) a physical affair but did reveal she has a crush on a work colleague. She says she gets on well with him and she has a crush on him but nothing is going to happen (he has a girlfriend, she’s married). Still, this was a pretty big shock for me. She says the issue is more with us, that she doesn't enjoy the time we spend together.

 

I would love nothing more than for us to get back what we’ve lost but I’d also be a fool to keep loving somebody who doesn’t love me back. If she doesn’t love me and doesn’t think she ever will again, then I’ll let her go. It’s no good for either of us unless we’re both in it together.

 

So, what now?

 

We’re not sure what to do next. She suggested a trial separation, where we don’t see each other or have any communication for the next three or four months. I suggested marriage counselling, to which she wasn’t opposed to.

 

Any advice?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, at this point you are simply watching her back as she walks away. You may as well turn and walk in your own direction and start a new life like she has done. I would wager once you do, and you find a greater happiness you will be thankful that you did.

[livinlovin]

I've been in a similar situation. Looking back, the best advice I can give is to use this time to work on yourself. Expand your network of friends and acquaintances, develop a new interest or hobby. She might be attracted to the new you. If things don't improve, however, at least you have excitement in your life to keep you busy while you heal.

 

When I was married, I was a shy person and was, frankly, pretty dependent on my ex. But I used our separation to change the things I didn't like about myself, and I am now a pretty outgoing, happy, and independent person. Honestly, that whole time of my life was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

[Rooster_DAR]

My guess is she has sudden interest elsewhere and wants to explore that. I heard the same BS, turned out my fiance of 4 years was cheating with a co-worker.

 

It seems that the 4 to 5 year mark is where relationships are tested to the extreme and many don't survive.

 

Cheers!

[Red_Apple]

If you think that your relationship with her is still valuable and worthwhile, you could try the marriage counsellor :s I'm not sure that's going to work though. It seems as if she has found someone else. She seems set on pursuing this new love interest.

[Mr. Lucky]

My guess is she has sudden interest elsewhere and wants to explore that. I heard the same BS, turned out my fiance of 4 years was cheating with a co-worker.

Yep, at this point in a relationship "I'm not in love with you" or "I need some space" are usually code words for "I found someone else". Get ready for the other shoe to drop...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cybersister]

if something is worth having its worth fighting for.

how did the two of you fall in love?

It is possible to fall in love all over again

can you rekindle what made her fall for you?

Are there things you ised to do together you just got out of the habit of/

sounds like her getiting this job was no accident and things had been brewing for her for a while. What was she not happy about ?

[verytired]

When I first came to this forum and posted, a load of people replied and said "she's cheating" or "she's moved on and you need to do the same" etc. I thought they were wrong and that my wife was different and that if I tried that bit harder I could fix it. It wasn't the answer I was looking for. I thought they were bitter. I believed her when she said they were just good friends and that it had nothing to do with how we got to where we were.

 

You know what I found out after beating myself up for months and months? She was cheating, and by the time they utter the words "I'm not in love any more" they've already moved on. It's ruined. If you ignore her and really work on yourself, there is a slim chance she will have second thoughts and want you back - but would you want her back after this? There's also the strong possibility that if you let her go and she goes off and does her thing, the day will arrive when she misses you and realises the grass is not greener elsewhere. But would you want her back then?

 

You know what I've found out? Some things once they're broken cannot be fixed to ever be the same as they were before and you have to throw them away and save up for a new, better one.

 

Sorry for what you're going through. It's not fair and it sucks.

[SingleDad]

I'd try to avoid a separation if she doesn't press the issue.

 

You have to give her the space she needs, but be as understanding as you can be... when you are together try to have a really good time together... avoid any conflicts... no arguments... just listen - really listen to her and understand her...

 

Maybe she'll stary to remember why she was with you in the first place...

 

It is very difficult to make a great impression upon someone when you rarely see them during a separation.

[Alvy Singer]

I'd try to avoid a separation if she doesn't press the issue.

 

You have to give her the space she needs, but be as understanding as you can be... when you are together try to have a really good time together... avoid any conflicts... no arguments... just listen - really listen to her and understand her...

 

Maybe she'll stary to remember why she was with you in the first place...

 

It is very difficult to make a great impression upon someone when you rarely see them during a separation.

 

I see what you're saying, but we don't fight. Ever. That's the strangest thing about this situation. We were best friends before we got together as a couple (about seven years ago now) and we'ver never once shouted or lost our tempers. If anything, we pretend things are okay and don't talk about our problems. We both avoid conflict.

 

I'm fairly certain a no-contact, three-month separation would spell the end. That's why I'm hoping for the marriage counselling.

[Alvy Singer]

Thanks everyone for your comments. It's a difficult situation. She doesn't love me anymore, she admits she's left me emotionally and she says she's not sure she can see a future for us.

 

I'd love to rescue this, but deep down I think I agree with her that we're too far gone to get back what we once had.

 

If I'm completely honest, there's a certain part of me that's too proud to be the one to break it off. She's the one whose feelings are gone, she's the one who's emotionally left me so she should be the one to leave me. None of our friends or family know anything about our situation and it would be a big shock to all of them. I guess I don't want to be seen as the bad guy who leaves his wife. I know it's silly...

[livinlovin]

 

If I'm completely honest, there's a certain part of me that's too proud to be the one to break it off. She's the one whose feelings are gone, she's the one who's emotionally left me so she should be the one to leave me. None of our friends or family know anything about our situation and it would be a big shock to all of them. I guess I don't want to be seen as the bad guy who leaves his wife. I know it's silly...

 

 

Alvy, my situation was the same way. I held out until he was the one to leave. I wanted to know, looking back, that at least I did everything I could to save my marriage, even though deep down (so deep I didn't want to admit it) I knew it wasn't fixable. You do what you gotta do. Don't feel stupid for making her own up to her actions and be the one to leave.

 

When my ex and I announced our d, everyone was shocked because I hadn't told anyone about what had been going on. Are you sure this is the best way to go? It is an emotionally trying time, make sure you have some outlet. If I were you, I would pick at least one family member or friend to confide in. Its not healthy to keep stress all bottled up. A big lesson for me was learning that I needed help in the form of friends.

 

Best of luck

[complication]

If she has moved on and had a crush on a collegue, why bother?

[Ingenue]

Alvy, I'm not married nor have been so my advice should be taken with a grain of sand. But I was involved in a 5 year relationship with a man who essentially told me the same thing. He told me that he felt the spark had died between us and that he wanted to date others. He didn't have to tell me but his email break up was enough indication that he had already left the relationship emotionally. When your partner says that to you, it's really past the point of trying to fix. Why try to stay with a person who doesn't want you, who doesn't prioritize you or want to be with you.

 

It's hard to abandon any relationship, particularly a marriage, but you can't force another person to love you or feel about you the way you want her to feel. She's told you as much and as hard as it is to hear, maybe you need to take a step back and away. Good luck with everything and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Alvy Singer]

Just like to say thanks to everyone for replying, no matter what your responses have been. At the moment I'm dealing with this on my own, so it's comforting to be able to get everything off my chest. I'm planning on confiding in a friend over the next week, and maybe even telling my parents/family (not sure on that one yet).

 

The wife has decided she definitely wants a break/trial separation for two months, to help her realise what she wants. That starts tomorrow.

[jmargel]

Alvy, by looking at my post count you can see i've been here awhile, and i've seen situatinos like yours end in divorce and also make it through. There are certain things that do work and some that certainly don't. This is my advise to you.

 

Don't beg for her back, be distant towards her. What she has done is wrong, and her words.. She is just telling you the nicest way possible. More is going on between them. She just doesn't want you to think bad of her. The best way you can approach this is to make her face the consequences of her actions.

 

If you roll over and piddle on yourself (ie. play the mr. nice guy) then you will continue to be disrespected. Women love confidence and you need to not only show this, but live it. You need to let her know that you are willing to open this cage door for her but with the realization that she is NOT welcomed back. You will not be the safety net while she gets it on with this other guy. You know as well as I do, that relationship will fail. You do not want to be the person who she talks about her problems that she is having with him about.

 

Start making short term goals for yourself, find some friends (especially female) and let her know you are moving on. That you will not be dragged through the mud. Let her know that you will miss her but this is the decision SHE has made.

 

If she decides to talk, then listen. Use the words 'I understand' quite a bit. Bite your tongue when she talks about how disappointed she feels in the marriage, however make sure she doesn't cross any boundaries when talking to you.

 

You need to stand up for yourself, you are doing all the giving. It doesn't work that way. Use this confidence to move yourself in life. With or without her it does alot to improve your own self-worth.

[TrustInYourself]

Alright, my perspective. When I read your posts I remember those intense burning feelings.

 

True to yourself. You know there is a distance and a loss there. Address the factors that allowed you to get to this point. Internalize those factors and create a goal to grow. Specifically think about how you are going to be a better person, no matter what the consequences.

 

Trust in yourself. Knowing that you are going to be happy no matter the consequences. Sure, you have to address the loss and pain, but that's insignificant points in time when you take into account the big picture of your life. You will overcome.

 

Trust in love. Love can not be denied. If you were meant to be, then do not fear. You will find love again, it just may not be with the person you truly thought it would be. That is the magic and greatness of love.

 

Confidence comes from knowing these things. The power of believing that nothing can stop you from realizing happiness comes from understanding these tenets. Knowing that you are the person in control of your destiny and that to be happy is a decision that you have to make. It's that simple.

 

Oh and as far as directions for what to do or how to behave? Indifference and positivity. Walk away smiling. It's not a loss unless you allow it to be a loss. Good luck.

[Owl]

You should have offered her the opposite choice instead...

 

Instead of a three month trial seperation so she can explore her feelings for that colleague that she's got the crush on (and you KNOW there's more to it than that)...

 

Why not a three month trial of working on the marriage?

 

You've lived seperate lives, and that's what got you to where you're at now.

 

Instead of going for the seperation...insist that she got NC with that guy she's got a crush on, and the two of you work on your marriage hard for three months.

 

I got that same speech you did..."I love you, but not in love with you"...and the request for a trial seperation as well.

 

I refused to do a trial seperation...because I realized it was just a way to grow apart, not together. I insisted if she wanted to seperate, she'd better file for divorce instead...I wasn't going to be her backup plan.

 

Just because SHE wants a trial seperation doesn't mean you have to AGREE to let her end your marriage.

 

FIGHT for it instead.

[SmartWoman321]

Yep, at this point in a relationship "I'm not in love with you" or "I need some space" are usually code words for "I found someone else". Get ready for the other shoe to drop...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Not always. Not in my case. I have not found anyone else (wish I could!) and I am the one who told my ex "I am not in love with you". I didn't really need "space"- that wasn't the issue. I just couldn't feel romantic love anymore for him. But nope, no other man.

[Alvy Singer]

Thanks for your perspective, SmartWoman321. It seems that everybody here is so quick to go down the "she's cheating!" route. Sometimes that's just not the case.

 

As regards my situation and this co-worker she admitted to having a crush on, I found out that she's since told a friend that she definitely doesn't want anything to happen with him. She's realised she just wants to be his friend and was confused about her feelings beforehand. That's a relief to hear, although it still hasn't changed the fact that she's fallen out of love with me.

 

A quick update: she's asked for no contact and no visits (remember, we're living in separate cities at the moment) until the end of October. She doesn't want to act rashly and throw away what we've worked on for six-and-a-half years - she needs some time to sort herself out.

 

I'm just going to work on bettering myself - maybe learn a language, improve my cooking, get fitter etc.

 

Just sent an email to my parents explaining the situation (they live on the other side of the world - I'll call them this weekend). They have no idea and I think they'll be quite upset. Telling them is really hard.

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks for your perspective, SmartWoman321. It seems that everybody here is so quick to go down the "she's cheating!" route. Sometimes that's just not the case.

 

As regards my situation and this co-worker she admitted to having a crush on, I found out that she's since told a friend that she definitely doesn't want anything to happen with him. She's realised she just wants to be his friend and was confused about her feelings beforehand. That's a relief to hear, although it still hasn't changed the fact that she's fallen out of love with me.

 

A quick update: she's asked for no contact and no visits (remember, we're living in separate cities at the moment) until the end of October. She doesn't want to act rashly and throw away what we've worked on for six-and-a-half years - she needs some time to sort herself out.

 

I'm just going to work on bettering myself - maybe learn a language, improve my cooking, get fitter etc.

 

Just sent an email to my parents explaining the situation (they live on the other side of the world - I'll call them this weekend). They have no idea and I think they'll be quite upset. Telling them is really hard.

 

It's not the case, but there is a an opening/oppurtunity there for another man. I can easily see that as well as other men. Just some insight. I hope things work out for you.

[jmargel]

A quick update: she's asked for no contact and no visits (remember, we're living in separate cities at the moment) until the end of October. She doesn't want to act rashly and throw away what we've worked on for six-and-a-half years - she needs some time to sort herself out.

 

• Communication issues are the first and main thing that causes problems in a marriage
  
• She wants over a month of no contact
  
• You should be learning how to communicate better not avoiding it
  
• No communication is just as bad as miscommunication
  

 

She's realised she just wants to be his friend and was confused about her feelings beforehand. That's a relief to hear, although it still hasn't changed the fact that she's fallen out of love with me.

 

The 'friend' thing. Your situation is another of thousands out there where the SO just says 'they are a friend'. Honestly are you going to be this ignorant? Do you NOT think that she doesn't want to have contact you because she wants to pursue this man without distractions? Your judgement is being clouded by your emotions. You have become the safety net, she hasn't been honest with you.

 

Keep doing the same things over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I'm not trying to be mean but I want you to have resolution to this one way or another. You are being dragged through the mud. Abiding by her wishes is only going to drive her further away.

 

You want this relationship back? Show some damn confidence already. Make her face the consequences. Let her know that you are at the station and the train is ready to take you away from her forever, unless she gets her ass in gear and prove that she wants this to work.

 

If she doesn't, then no amount of giving in is going to help. She is gone. You can't make a person want you. Learn from the experience and use that towards one of the other millions of beautiful women out there. What are you getting out of this besides heartache and romanticizing of the past?