Help! I'm becoming a Backstreet Boy!

[Joe]

Well, ok I'm not..but at least the title got your attention.

 

I just wanted to update those of you who read my last post "What do I do?" regarding my ex, my current and me.

 

I've decided that:

 

1. I am going to break things off with my current. While her and I have things in common, the more I get to know her the more my feelings wither. I have been reluctant to be serious with her since we started dating because I was unsure. As soon as a few loose ends are tied up, I'm going to break the news to her.

 

2. After that, I"m going to seriously think about things wih my ex. We have been apart for almost 2 years, but I feel that we have a special connection. She feels the same from her letters and emails. I may set up a meeting with her for sometime in the future, see how it goes and then go from there. If if looks like we can get back together (even if it means I move to the East coast), then I might do it. She means a lot to me, and our 5 years together for the most part was the best years of my life.

 

So, what do you all think? Am i crazy? I am thinking about trying to grow my sideburns like that one Backstreet Boy..hmmm..*thinks*

 

heheeh

 

Joe

[Nicky]

Well, ok I'm not..but at least the title got your attention. I just wanted to update those of you who read my last post "What do I do?" regarding my ex, my current and me. I've decided that: 1. I am going to break things off with my current. While her and I have things in common, the more I get to know her the more my feelings wither. I have been reluctant to be serious with her since we started dating because I was unsure. As soon as a few loose ends are tied up, I'm going to break the news to her. 2. After that, I"m going to seriously think about things wih my ex. We have been apart for almost 2 years, but I feel that we have a special connection. She feels the same from her letters and emails. I may set up a meeting with her for sometime in the future, see how it goes and then go from there. If if looks like we can get back together (even if it means I move to the East coast), then I might do it. She means a lot to me, and our 5 years together for the most part was the best years of my life. So, what do you all think? Am i crazy? I am thinking about trying to grow my sideburns like that one Backstreet Boy..hmmm..*thinks* heheeh Joe

DO NOT GROW SIDEBURNS!!!!

 

Just kidding!

 

As to your other decisions. Go for it! Only you are in a position to really decide what is right for you. We just get a little glimpse of your life, and offer advice on the back of that.

 

The good thing is, when you reach a decision and it feels right to you in your heart of hearts.

 

Good luck!

[Sula]

I know it's your final decision. In my experience, dating ex's is a bad idea. Although sometimes you are able to bridge the gap between you, this is what usually happens, froma psychological perspective (froma psych student doing undergrad research with a prof. in marriage and relationships):

 

The same issues that split you apart in the first place will rise up again, even if you've changed and become different people. Here's why: arousal induces the dominant response. It's a common psych principle. It means that when your body is in a state of arousal (not sexual...during an argument, when you're angry, or when you're upset or frightened) you will respond to any stimuli the way you always have in the past. That's why marriage counseling where the counselor tries to teach couple "proactive discussion techniques" doesn't usually work unless there's been extensive work done with the couple.

 

I'm not saying it's always bad to date ex's. But before you get back together or think about moving to the east coast, bring up all the negative things that you argued about before and make sure you walk into this with eyes open.

[Joe]

I understand that it may not work out with her, but I still feel it is worthwhile to try. Her and I were together 4.5 years, and weathered many storms. Our seperation wasn't so much a break-up as a 'seperation'..we knew we'd date others, and I think in the back of our minds we wanted to get back together eventually.

 

The truth is, I've dated a handful of girls since we 'broke up' and even though I found faults with my ex, the faults I've discovered with the girls I've dated (and dating) are much more. She knows better than anyone, and even though I've undoubtable changed in the last 2 years, I'm still the same Joe that was with her.

 

I expect that we will react the same way as we did before to situations, but at least I remember how she reacts and that it wasn't a big problem while we were together.

 

I'm trying to keep an open mind about this, and to not let my heart lead me on..

 

Joe

I know it's your final decision. In my experience, dating ex's is a bad idea. Although sometimes you are able to bridge the gap between you, this is what usually happens, froma psychological perspective (froma psych student doing undergrad research with a prof. in marriage and relationships): The same issues that split you apart in the first place will rise up again, even if you've changed and become different people. Here's why: arousal induces the dominant response. It's a common psych principle. It means that when your body is in a state of arousal (not sexual...during an argument, when you're angry, or when you're upset or frightened) you will respond to any stimuli the way you always have in the past. That's why marriage counseling where the counselor tries to teach couple "proactive discussion techniques" doesn't usually work unless there's been extensive work done with the couple. I'm not saying it's always bad to date ex's. But before you get back together or think about moving to the east coast, bring up all the negative things that you argued about before and make sure you walk into this with eyes open.