Boyfriend not interested in "daily life talk"

[Eilonwy]

So, here's my problem... my boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for nearly 2 years now. He tends to be the quiet type. And so am I. It's not problem when we are togehter, but it can be one online.

 

We usually talk almost every day, for about 4 hours. (Sometimes just 1, sometimes 5 or more.) I have often read that it is very important for an LDR relationship to talk about all the small things that happened in your life. How your day was, what you did etc. To feel close. And I agree. However, my boyfriend is not really interested in such "trivial" things. If he's in a good mood, he will happily listen to my bubbling, but if he's not, he ends or dismisses such topics very quickly. He himself does never share daily life things, unless I pester him about it. And then he usually shares nothing, either. He says he did nothing of note. Or something like "I went to work, now I'm talking to you." He'd prefer us to discuss philosophical matters and so on, but that's simply not possible daily. At least not for me.

 

Because of this, I find it increasinly hard to "please" him. Especially if he says we lack topics. I think "No, we don't lack them, you just find them not worth your time." I have talked to him about that repeatedly. He says he does not mind at all if I talk about such things, but I cannot expect him to do the same. And of course, he's right. If he doesn't want to, there's nothing I can do. However, what can I do to increase the overall situation and the tension that arises when we have nothing to say anymore? Should we just talk less often? Like... 3 times a week, or so? I guess it would help in terms of worthwhile topics, but I would miss him. Can't think of anything else to do, either. Any suggestions?

[audrey_1]

 

Should we just talk less often? Like... 3 times a week, or so? I guess it would help in terms of worthwhile topics, but I would miss him. Can't think of anything else to do, either. Any suggestions?

 

Missing him wouldn't be a bad thing, and when you did have your 5-hour talk, it would be filled with interesting things. You would be able to hear it in each other's voices, that you miss each other, which is a good feeling. It wouldn't become *routine* but actually mean something and add spice when it's less frequent. So yes, I think talking 3 times a week is a good idea. Fill the rest of the time up with experiences that actually will give you something to talk about. If you're spending all that time just sitting on the phone with each other, that's time you're NOT doing other things you could be talking about! That will drain the two of you, and you don't want that. He will appreciate you giving him the freedom and respecting that he doesn't want to just sit on the phone, and when you do talk, it will that much more exciting. I've been there!

[The Collector]

He needs to learn how to pretend to listen, nod and say 'Really? And what did you say?' every now and then. And you need to edit yourself down a little and understand that maybe every tiny detail of your day isn't so fascinating to him.

[Eilonwy]

Audrey: I can see the logic in that. I shall suggest this to him. Thank you.

 

Collector: He would never pretend to be interested if he's not. He's very strict in his honesty. And yeah, I should. Sometimes I'm just too excited about small things. Thanks.

[cybersister]

I too am in LDR. I personally think it is important to talk every day, but not for hours if there is nothing new to talk about.

for me it is reassurance that all is OK with us- I would rather have five minutes than an hour. ( we do about ten minutes morning and evening, and maybe an hour at the weekends)

You sound like you have a good level of honesty- he is willing to listen to all you have to say - so what if he does not feel the need to talk in detail about his day ? Mars and Venus stuff this- men and women just do communicate differently

[Eilonwy]

I too am in LDR. I personally think it is important to talk every day, but not for hours if there is nothing new to talk about.

for me it is reassurance that all is OK with us- I would rather have five minutes than an hour. ( we do about ten minutes morning and evening, and maybe an hour at the weekends)

You sound like you have a good level of honesty- he is willing to listen to all you have to say - so what if he does not feel the need to talk in detail about his day ? Mars and Venus stuff this- men and women just do communicate differently

Hmm, understandble. I wish he had a mobile phone...

One problem is that he dismisses everything when he is in a bad mood, but still wants to stay and "talk". Once I'm out of topics, he'll leave. He thinks I never produce topics when he is sad. But I think I produce the same amount -he just doesn't like them when he's in that state.

 

Another problem is that I feel a bit... excluded. I yearn to know the little things that happened to him. It makes me able to picture his day/life, and makes me feel closer to him.

[Hoosier09]

I think my SO and I are having the same type of problem. We have been dating for 2 months but we talk for over 5 hours a day and in the summer sometimes a lot more than 10. Sure you can talk less, but be honest, that would be hard to do. I dunno what to tell you

[In the Light]

How is he at writing? Sometimes it is easier for a man to write the events of the day in an email than to talk about it.

 

I myself am not much of a conversationalist, but do like to listen to my SO talk about her day. Many of the things she can recall with great detail during conversation, I miss in my day to day events. I will recall the content of a conversation I had with someone during the day and the gist of what was said, but rarely remember the exact words said. On the other hand, if I sit down to type up an email, my mind slows down and I can usually recall very minute details that I don't recall during a conversation.

[Maggs]

My BF and I tend to be the opposite sometimes. Some days go by and that's all we get a chance to get caught up on. I usually end up initiating the questions but he's not too bad about telling me what his day's been like. It's the 'feeling' questions that he's abrupt on. Mostly one word answers!

 

But speaking several hrs a day will do that too. If I was off work for a couple of days and my BF and I spoke 2 or 3 everyday, by the 3rd day we'd have very little to talk about apart from how are you, what did you do today and did you sleep well last night. Haha

[In the Light]

Here is some simple advice for initiating conversation...

 

Never ask a question that can be answered with just a yes or no or a one word answer...

 

After you receive an answer, ask a follow up question based on the answer if it wasn't thorough enough. Guys like to answer in one word or a grunt if possible. Come on, we aren't the most conversational creatures...

 

Get him to talk about something he is in to first...sports, music...whatever it is, before you steer him to the topics that are important to you....

 

Good luck...

[Eilonwy]

Okay, thank you all for your feedback. It's nice to know that it happens to others, too. And thanks for the tips!

[In the Light]

You are very welcome. I hope it works out for you both.

[HokeyReligions]

Reminds me of a comedian I heard talking about his wife. The same exact thing happens to each on the same day. Ask Wife about what happend and she'll give you a blow-by-blow description complete with emotional narrative and edtioral. As Husband about what happend and you get three to five words. Both are correct. Its just how we communicate.

 

Knowing that a comedian wrote a joke about it and that millions of people can understand and relate to it should also tell you that your relationship is perfectly normal.

 

I do remember going through that period with my husband. There is a point where a couple does not need to verbalize as much and are perfectly comfortable in silence with each other or when a simple "Love 'Ya" is just as satisfying as a conversational marathon. Men generally reach that point a lot sooner than women.

[jen's mind]

I too am in LDR. I personally think it is important to talk every day, but not for hours if there is nothing new to talk about.

for me it is reassurance that all is OK with us- I would rather have five minutes than an hour. ( we do about ten minutes morning and evening, and maybe an hour at the weekends)

You sound like you have a good level of honesty- he is willing to listen to all you have to say - so what if he does not feel the need to talk in detail about his day ? Mars and Venus stuff this- men and women just do communicate differently

 

I agree with the reassurance thing... that's what it is for me, too. I don't need to recant the details of my day, I just want to connect with my guy in a meaningful way. Sometimes it's the briefest of conversations that have the most meaning. Plus, I find that the time I spend not talking to him gives me clarity about how I feel about him.

 

Remember that it IS very much a Mars/Venus thing, and rather than have a debate over whether you have anything to talk about, just let it be.

[mizzy_C]

He is not putting the same amount of effort into this relationship as you are. Have you tried doing things together??

 

I'm also in a LDR and last night i told my boyfriend i was looking for a new car and he helped me out by looking as well and sent me links to the car's that he also liked, which i liked as well but never thought about looking at them. It was good because we were both involved in it and sharing ideas and discussing the topic.

 

He also tells me about his homework assignments and i try to help him out with them or if he's writing an essay he will email it to me for a spell check and grammer check. I also get to learn a little bit about what he's learning in school which makes us feel a lot closer.

 

 

Equal effort in the relationship is what is going to make your relationship strong. You can't do it alone.