Wife leaving me and our two kids...

[Soylent Green]

This will probably sound like a million other posts but I need to put this out. If you can provide insight, comments, support, or whatever; thank you, I need it.

 

My wife and I have 2 beautiful children, a 2 year old boy and 5 year old daughter. We've had our share of problems over the last 7 years but this year I was forced away due to work for about 6 months where I had quite a few visits but she was stuck at home covering the household and kids. We've been communicating good lately but all of a sudden she says she loves me, but no longer in that better way (IE she's found someone else). She's never liked being a stay at home mom and she's convinced herself she'll be a better mom if it's only occasionally. I feel blessed that I'll most likely keep my children but I'm scared to death of raising them alone; having to find a new job so I don't have to work nights, dealing with daughter issues as she gets older, getting my son out of diapers, and just being a good dad. My wife is planning on staying in the household for the next 9 months until I clear a probationary period for a new job so I won't have to pay back relocation expenses and she says she needs the time to prepare to move away (about 120 miles) to be with the new person and to allow us a smooth transition apart that will affect the kids the least. I'm 34 but I'm scared to death of the next 9 months, I feel hurt, I'm very down, and generally don't feel good. Although my wife is leaving me, I still love her and will miss her dearly. We haven't hired a lawyer or started the divorce papers yet. She simply wants every other weekend and a month or two in the summer with the kids. Seems fair enough. Her new other is recently divorced with 3 kids that he shares with his ex which is probably a reason my wife doesn't want our kids most of the time, not to mention it will put a hitch in her newly single-ish life. How do I work this? Do I press for child support? Help!

[Lizzie60]

Why not? Of course, if she works, you are entitled to child support.. if it was the other way around.. you'd pay..

 

It's not easy with two young kids.. I admit that it's always easier for women to be single with young kids.. you still have 9 months to go... so in those months.. get ready to be the 'parent' responsible for the young ones. Concentrate on being the best parent you can be. Get your support system (family, friends) ready.

 

It's the beginning that is the worst.. once you get settled in a routine with the little ones.. it should get better.

 

Good luck!

[Jazzy56]

"She simply wants every other weekend and a month or two in the summer with the kids. Seems fair enough. Her new other is recently divorced with 3 kids that he shares with his ex which is probably a reason my wife doesn't want our kids most of the time, not to mention it will put a hitch in her newly single-ish life. How do I work this? Do I press for child support? Help!"

 

I think you must press for child support. This woman just left her children and you still love her?

 

I think you need to write this women off, like she did your children, and you will feel much better. I would also make sure your children understand this.

[SingleDad]

SG - your post is so "matter of factly" that it scares me... either this all just came up now and you are in denial or shock and haven't fully grasped the reality of the situation... Or this has been developing over months.

 

since you will be living in the same house for the next 9 months - have you thought about trying to work things out ? Seems she may not be so in love with him that she can wait 9 months to see OM.

 

And moving 120 miles away from her 2 and 5 year old kids... to be with OM with his 3 kids... your W is clearly in fantasy land.

 

I wouldn't be too surprised is she wants to come back after her fantasy melts away.

 

 

My W moved out - 4 miles away and she fought for just over 50/50 custody - she is also in fantasy land - "grass is greener" but is not willing to give up her daughter so much.

[LucreziaBorgia]

she's convinced herself she'll be a better mom if it's only occasionally.

 

I would believe her on this one. She does not sound like someone who would be an anchor in your children's lives, or if she is - she would be the type to drag them down rather than provide them stability. Let her go. In fact, I would force her sorry ass out.

 

You need a lawyer, like yesterday. She needs to be out, pronto. If she wants to prepare, let her do it at her own expense and not draw it out into some long painful process that will be at you and your children's expenses and will benefit only herself. If she wants to leave, let her pay the price. Find a lawyer well versed in men's rights, and let him chew her ass until she has nothing to offer OM except hefty monthly alimony and child support payments that he will have to help her pay.

 

I can guarantee you this. She is talking about walking away and how she can handle being a barely part time parent, but if you push her away now and push her hard enough to land on her ass with nothing to show for it, she will claw and fight to stay.

 

If she wants to stay, then her ONLY option is to cut off all contact with OM, and attend couples and family counseling to put things back to rights. Otherwise, you will (legally) force her out and she will pay a hefty price for destroying her family.

[nowhereman82]

I agree with Lucrezia....if not for any other reason that the thought of a wife having to pay the husband

 

Too many men getting screwed by the ex hehe

 

Cover your ass man...because she will do everything to cover hers. Don't put yourself in legal or financial trouble!

[2sunny]

i wouldn't fight to keep her around any longer than you need to.

 

think about it this way - while you were away working hard to earn money for the family... she was out finding someone to stroke her ego and betraying everything a marriage should entail.

 

the fact that she is disregarding you and your kids is just unforgivable.

 

dump her - it couldn't be fast enough if it were me. she has no sense of loyalty and dedication to you or the kids.

 

she is selfish and only thinking about her own needs and wants being met.

 

and yes, get as much support as you can. a woman that walks away from her own children by selfish means should pay dearly.

[Mr. Lucky]

You need a lawyer, like yesterday. She needs to be out, pronto. If she wants to prepare, let her do it at her own expense and not draw it out into some long painful process that will be at you and your children's expenses and will benefit only herself. If she wants to leave, let her pay the price. Find a lawyer well versed in men's rights, and let him chew her ass until she has nothing to offer OM except hefty monthly alimony and child support payments that he will have to help her pay.

Everything I wanted to say and more. She thinks separation and divorce are like a Chinese menu - she'll take something from column A and something else from column B. You need to disabuse her of this immediately and let her understand the price - parental, emotional and financial - for walking away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Billy Bob]

And moving 120 miles away from her 2 and 5 year old kids... to be with OM with his 3 kids... your W is clearly in fantasy land.

 

Sd is right.. She is in Fantasy land. Use this to your advantage and get custody of your kids ASAP! Get a parenting plan finalized ASAP. Get a divorce ASAP. As soon as her fantasy relationship starts to fall apart she is going to want the kids back, she is going to blame you!

 

This is a game now and you need to play it smart. My ex-wife walked away from my 4 & 6 year olds 2.5 years ago, I have custody of them, her fantasy world has collapsed now, i am happily remarried. Now she wants the kids back! (no judge will ever give them back to her).

 

You need to act swiftly, take care of the divorce and custody ASAP. Play nice. Enable her. Behind the scenes take everything you can get.

[Soylent Green]

The only thing I can fathom for her staying the extra time and not leaving now is some conscience issue. She knows that having just taken a new job and having to pay back a sizable amount of $$ for relocation expenses if I don't pass the first year will create a big financial problem that will affect the kids. She's expressed no desire in trying to work through this and seems convinced that once the "magic" is gone it isn't coming back. I asked for 3 months without this other guy around so we could focus on important things without that hanging over our head but she's the problem here. She doesn't want it. The other thing I could imagine is that this other guy is a golden parachute and she wants to get out on her own but if that fails, she can fall back on him next May when that time rolls around and in the mean time use living here to assuage her conscience about not being around to help with the kids and at the same time start getting her own things together to prepare for her eventual move. It's awkward as hell. I do have an attorney I'm consulting with privately now as well. At this point, the numb zombie feeling left a few days ago and now I'm determined as hell to protect myself and the kids and try to phase her out of as much as possible. The whole thing is strange. Emotionally it doesn't help me much having her around but logistically it helps a ton as it's letting me get the chance to sell the extra rig, pay off a little bit of final debt, and wrap up this last bit of time at my current job that I can't afford to cut off yet. If I boot her out now, I definitely can't keep the current job (have to pay back about $10k), additional child care costs will wrap up the rest of the funds quickly, and things are going to crap apart quickly. Am I doing it wrong by taking advantage of this? All of your advice is great, so thank you again.

[onward]

You definitely are not doing it wrong by collecting as many cards into your hand as possible. Look at it this way, nothing is final until the divorce settlement is signed. If you feel generous at that time you could give on something. However, positioning the pieces on the board to your advantage is not wrong... It takes care of your kids (which you being requested to support), it takes care of you.

 

The key is to play along and be nice while you line everything up. Avoid and defuse conflicts until you are in a position to get what you need out of this. Use her desire to flee, and her guilt to get exactly what you need. Make your moves while she is in a fog, don't wait for reality to hit her, and don't wake her up... When she crawls back later you can always make changes, but that will be 100% up to you and your desires and needs at that time.

 

By the way, I think the 9 months is all about having you as a fall back plan. She is a monkey swinging from one tree to the next, and she just doesn't want to let go of one before she is firmly in the clutches of the other...

[LostGirl811]

This will probably sound like a million other posts but I need to put this out. If you can provide insight, comments, support, or whatever; thank you, I need it.

 

My wife and I have 2 beautiful children, a 2 year old boy and 5 year old daughter. We've had our share of problems over the last 7 years but this year I was forced away due to work for about 6 months where I had quite a few visits but she was stuck at home covering the household and kids. We've been communicating good lately but all of a sudden she says she loves me, but no longer in that better way (IE she's found someone else). She's never liked being a stay at home mom and she's convinced herself she'll be a better mom if it's only occasionally. I feel blessed that I'll most likely keep my children but I'm scared to death of raising them alone; having to find a new job so I don't have to work nights, dealing with daughter issues as she gets older, getting my son out of diapers, and just being a good dad. My wife is planning on staying in the household for the next 9 months until I clear a probationary period for a new job so I won't have to pay back relocation expenses and she says she needs the time to prepare to move away (about 120 miles) to be with the new person and to allow us a smooth transition apart that will affect the kids the least. I'm 34 but I'm scared to death of the next 9 months, I feel hurt, I'm very down, and generally don't feel good. Although my wife is leaving me, I still love her and will miss her dearly. We haven't hired a lawyer or started the divorce papers yet. She simply wants every other weekend and a month or two in the summer with the kids. Seems fair enough. Her new other is recently divorced with 3 kids that he shares with his ex which is probably a reason my wife doesn't want our kids most of the time, not to mention it will put a hitch in her newly single-ish life. How do I work this? Do I press for child support? Help!

 

Wow, where to begin

 

First off, I have to say something that no one else has mentioned: the way your kids will see your wife.

 

Besides the fact that it seems a little unrealistic that she can see them every other weekend living 120 miles away, especially when they get older and have school, homework, extracurricular activities, sports on weekends, friends parties to go to , etc. She will regret this decision very much one day, whether soon or down the road, but that is her problem.

 

No matter what kind of a b**tch she has been to you and her children, THEY must never know what a horrid person mommy has been. Never. You must never say a bad word about her within earshot of them. You must not argue with her in front of them. You must not use them as leverage, or bargaining chips. This will do nothing but scar them, and they don't deserve that. One day when they are grown up, they can decide for themselves if mommy sucks or not, but until then, as far as they are concerned, mommy and daddy still love them and each other, but sometimes moms and dads don't live together anymore.

 

It is the sad truth that it is a misconception that all women have a maternal instinct. Many women do not want to be mothers, and don' have it in them. your wife sounds like one of these women. I don't doubt that she loves the kids in her own way, but she has some emotional issues of her own, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if she has some kind of Personality Disorder that prevents her from even realizing or acknowledging emotions and maternal instincts like a "normal" mom would.

 

i understand your concerns about addressing certain issues with your daughter once she starts to get older. Do you have sisters, or even female cousins, that you are close with? These women can play a big role in providing your daughter with some female adult guidance when it's time to talk about her period, her first crush, sex, etc that you might feel uncomfortable discussing. Some dads DO discuss these things with their daughters, its not totally ridiculous notion, but its understandable if its uncomfortable for you. And perhaps in these cases you can call upon a good female family member or friend to help you out. But you have a few years until this yet, she's only 5. Right now she is little and her brother is little, and they both want to play and have their parents thell them they lvoe them, and play with their friends, and go to school, and just be kids. Don't think so far ahead, because you'll only serve to make yourself more anxious.

 

And who knows? You are only 34. Yes, dating won't be easy with two kids, but its definitely not unheard of. Plenty of single parents find new relationships, and you are no less likely than anyone else to find a new love. Step parents often become a big role in their step children's lives, and maybe one day you will meet a great woman that loves both you and your kids. Don't give up on that idea.

 

In the meantime, you need to think immediate future. Mke sure you have a good lawyer who is versed in men's paternal rights. Courts tend to favour the mother, but in cases like this, Im inclined to believe they'd make an exception.

 

Don't even think for a second badly about taking advantage of her being there another nine months. You need to get your money, your job and your paperwork in check so that you can care for your kids the best way you can. Your wife is no longer a concern, you are no tthere to care for her.

 

And hell yes, once she starts working, she is absolutely responsible to pay child support. She made those babies, she is responsible to at least financially make sure they have a decent life and have school paid for when they go to college.

 

It seems your wife never wanted to be a wife or a mother, but somewhere along the way it seemed like the right thing to do, because that's what adults do, so she did it. Now she thinks she can regain some of that youthful single living by ditching her responsibilities and going 120 miles away to live with a guy and his three kids instead? I don't think this woman will ever be happy with anyone. I think she'll be with this dude for a few years and get bored with him too. typical personality disorder behaviour, if you ask me.

 

But I digress. She's not the important aspect here. You are. your kids are. Get what you need to get in order. Get the lawyer to get those kids in yoru custody, get her ass responsible for child support, up to and including college expenses (none of that stop-paying-at-18 bulls**t.)

 

Above all, though, no matter how resentul you may feel at some point, as far as the kids are concerned, mom and dad love them and thats it. They'll be confused why mom is leaving, but never be the one to badmouth mom in front of them, and make sure that your friends and family don't do it to them either. When my parents got divorced, my dad left my mom for another woman. He didnt really pay any child support, my mom took care of everything for me and my siblings herself. She never said ONE bad word about him. Not one. In fact, she encouraged us to see him , to keep in touch with him, and always acted friendly and loving, like a good friend, to him in front of us. And Im 26 years old now and obviously understand what went on, but Im thankful she did tht for us back then. i think it would have screwed me up more to grow up resenting my father. I sometimes wonder if it would have been different if he'd stayed, but I don't harbor resentment against him, and Im happy for that. There's nothing more inclined to make a person messed up in life than to grow up resennting their own parents.

 

Sorry this is so long...you have a tough situation that I dont envy, and it will be hard at first, but things have a way of working themselves out. Hell, my and my sisters were 10, 8 and 7 when my parents split up, but now I also have a little brother and sister from my mom and stepfather who i never would have had my parents not divorced. Everything happens for a reason.

 

good luck :-)

[Ronni_W]

Am I doing it wrong by taking advantage of this?

Personally, I think you are doing it SMART to take advantage of it .

 

I am sorry that you're going through this. You mentioned in your first post about scary thoughts of raising the kids on your own and being a good dad. When you get around to it, perhaps this link could be useful in that regard.

http://www.coping.org/parenting/contents.htm

 

Wishing you and your kids brighter days ahead.

[flc]

Depending on the State there is no option when it comes to child support. In Florida the custodial parent gets child support, there is no negotiations even if the custodial parent does not want it.

 

In the end you need to do what works best for you and your kids not your wife. If having her stay works best both financially and emotionally for the kids then make this work. No matter what happens she is the mother of the kids and you will have some relationship with her over a significant period of time. Fighting and getting advisorial only hurts the kids, protect your interests and then work on a compromise.

[Simplycaroline]

The only thing I can fathom for her staying the extra time and not leaving now is some conscience issue. She knows that having just taken a new job and having to pay back a sizable amount of $$ for relocation expenses if I don't pass the first year will create a big financial problem that will affect the kids. She's expressed no desire in trying to work through this and seems convinced that once the "magic" is gone it isn't coming back. I asked for 3 months without this other guy around so we could focus on important things without that hanging over our head but she's the problem here. She doesn't want it. The other thing I could imagine is that this other guy is a golden parachute and she wants to get out on her own but if that fails, she can fall back on him next May when that time rolls around and in the mean time use living here to assuage her conscience about not being around to help with the kids and at the same time start getting her own things together to prepare for her eventual move. It's awkward as hell. I do have an attorney I'm consulting with privately now as well. At this point, the numb zombie feeling left a few days ago and now I'm determined as hell to protect myself and the kids and try to phase her out of as much as possible. The whole thing is strange. Emotionally it doesn't help me much having her around but logistically it helps a ton as it's letting me get the chance to sell the extra rig, pay off a little bit of final debt, and wrap up this last bit of time at my current job that I can't afford to cut off yet. If I boot her out now, I definitely can't keep the current job (have to pay back about $10k), additional child care costs will wrap up the rest of the funds quickly, and things are going to crap apart quickly. Am I doing it wrong by taking advantage of this? All of your advice is great, so thank you again.

 

 

I think that what you are doing is very very wise. You have a lawyer what is he suggesting? You must do what is ultimately best for your children and you and rushing to fast headlong into an already rocky situation will only make things worse for yourself and the kids. the dust will settle at some point it seems to be already and you are are gaining a very clear view of what to do. The best of luck to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I doing it wrong by taking advantage of this? All of your advice is great, so thank you again.

The only cautionary tale I would throw in is that some guys get "confused" if they are living in the same house with the STBXw. Their mind tells them that if it has all the trappings of the old relationship - living together, doing things jointly with the kids, sitting down at the table as a family, etc. - then it must have the emotional connection too. And so they get devastated twice - once when the bomb is dropped on them initially and then again when she actually follows through with phase two of her plans. I also don't know how much you've told your children, but a drawn out process can be confusing for them too. Tread carefully...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sup]

You definitely are not doing it wrong by collecting as many cards into your hand as possible. Look at it this way, nothing is final until the divorce settlement is signed. If you feel generous at that time you could give on something. However, positioning the pieces on the board to your advantage is not wrong... It takes care of your kids (which you being requested to support), it takes care of you.

 

The key is to play along and be nice while you line everything up. Avoid and defuse conflicts until you are in a position to get what you need out of this. Use her desire to flee, and her guilt to get exactly what you need. Make your moves while she is in a fog, don't wait for reality to hit her, and don't wake her up... When she crawls back later you can always make changes, but that will be 100% up to you and your desires and needs at that time.

 

By the way, I think the 9 months is all about having you as a fall back plan. She is a monkey swinging from one tree to the next, and she just doesn't want to let go of one before she is firmly in the clutches of the other...

 

 

I have heard an old saying:

"Never interupt your enemy while he is making a mistake!" Napoleon Bonapard

 

Well, so don't bother her, and let her live in LA LA land. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, get your Butt covered real good!

[Sup]

Oh, BTW,

 

Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist!