Walkaway Wife Syndrome Theory

[n9688m]

I am really puzzled by the phenomenon of the "walkaway wife syndrome." In particular I have a hard time with the concept that a wife could be OK with a marriage one day and then the next - boom - it's time for divorce with no hope for reconciliation. That's basically what my STBXW did with me and I just don't understand how this is possible.

 

Here is a theory - I wonder what others think. I have not really come to grips with the concept of whether my STBXW's concerns relate to my behavior or to some intrinsic characteristic of me. If the concerns were my behavior then counseling ought to have been an excellent option with a good chance for reconciliation. If the issue is simply "me" then things are indeed irreconcilable but the bigger question is why did she marry me in the first place?

 

My theory is that walkaway wife syndrome may happen in some cases when a woman basically marries someone for the wrong reasons (perhaps for security rather than passion for example) and gets stuck in a loveless marriage but acting as if things are going well. It's extremely hard to acknowledge such a major mistake so it's a lot easier as a defense mechanism to blame things on the husband and then put up an emotional wall which precludes any true discussion of why she is upset.

 

Thoughts?

[hooghie]

I doubt your wife flipped her switch as quickly as you say. It was probably a long process for her. She probably thinks she warned you and reached out to you more times than she could count but was ignored. I don't know your particular situation but that's how it often works for women. The problem that men don't seem to get is that (generally) when a woman is finally done- she is DONE and there is no turning back for her. Whatever she once felt is gone. I gave my ex ample time and opportunities to fix our marriage but he ignored them. When he saw that I was serious about leaving him- he was finally ready to go to M/C and do all of the things I had wanted for years. It was way too late. I was done and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. She may have married you for a number of reasons. Maybe she feels that you misled her or maybe those reasons weren't enough for her to contnue loving you. I do agree with you that sometimes women (and men) marry for the wrong reasons and then blame the partner for all that is wrong in the relationship.

[n9688m]

When he saw that I was serious about leaving him- he was finally ready to go to M/C

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I presume this means that you had asked him to go to marriage counseling previously and he declined. Is that correct? In my case there was never even talk of MC until after she had irreconcilably decided to leave.

[SexinmyCity]

First of all, I am so sorry! That really sucks! I'm sorry for any pain you are feeling right now and wish I could make it go away.

 

But to answer your question...I think some people have a greater capacity to love, and along with that, a great ability to stay, hell or high water. The people who will never give up and will always try to make it work.

 

I'm that kind of person, and I want to find that kind of person to be with. I just broke up with a guy...after realizing that 1) he was a narcissist and 2) that he and I had two completely different ideas of what marriage it. Mine was til death do us part. He actually commented that "til death do us part" gives one spouse the license to do whatever they want without consequence.

 

Huh?

 

So, probably you are better off. You picked someone who can't stay at it for the long haul. You don't want one of those anyway.

 

But I feel you pain for sure.

[hooghie]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I presume this means that you had asked him to go to marriage counseling previously and he declined. Is that correct? In my case there was never even talk of MC until after she had irreconcilably decided to leave.

 

Yes, I had asked him. I had also reached out to him on numerous ocasions- letting him know how unhappy I am, how distant I feel, etc. Was this really a complete shock to you? Is it possible she's found someone else? From my experience, women don't leave unless there is someone waiting. This wasn't true in my case but I'm not a typcial woman.

[n9688m]

Was this really a complete shock to you?

 

Oh yes - and a shock to her entire family and every friend either of us hand. It was a shock as in one day we went from planning 10 years into the future and sex 3x per week to the next day things were irreconcilably done.

 

 

Is it possible she's found someone else?

 

Yes there was an affair. She says that she doesn't have long-term plans with him and that isn't why she is leaving, but of course I am skeptical there. Of course that confirms she was unhappy for a while. But then again, if she was so unhappy then why didn't she just end the marriage before the affair - she surely complicated things a whole lot for both of us and made the divorce a whole lot more contentious.

[Rooster_DAR]

I doubt your wife flipped her switch as quickly as you say. It was probably a long process for her. She probably thinks she warned you and reached out to you more times than she could count but was ignored. I don't know your particular situation but that's how it often works for women. The problem that men don't seem to get is that (generally) when a woman is finally done- she is DONE and there is no turning back for her. Whatever she once felt is gone. I gave my ex ample time and opportunities to fix our marriage but he ignored them. When he saw that I was serious about leaving him- he was finally ready to go to M/C and do all of the things I had wanted for years. It was way too late. I was done and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. She may have married you for a number of reasons. Maybe she feels that you misled her or maybe those reasons weren't enough for her to contnue loving you. I do agree with you that sometimes women (and men) marry for the wrong reasons and then blame the partner for all that is wrong in the relationship.

 

Whatever....

 

God I get so tired of people saying "I gave him/her time to change" or "he/she should have figured out there was something wrong". I say BS, you need to step up to the plate if there is something wrong, don't expect the other person to figure it out every time.

 

It takes truly committed people to make a relationship work, not the easy cop-out of excuses. Also, it's common for the person leaving a relationship (particularly cheaters) to rationalize their decision with ease cop-outs like this.

[dead-dyke]

I am absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, in line with the rooster. Once mine left, she gave me all kinds of reasons as to why this happened in an e-mail after I was gone. And of course, these reasons fluctuated wildly each time we 'talked'. I'm almost in the finishing process of this divorce, over a year later, and I asked her - are you sure this is what you want? (called her at work.)

 

I'll call you later she says. Nothing. Two days later, I called her at work again. So. I say everything I want to, and that's it. She has not once tried to attempt a reconciliation. I give up. She's free. Although I needed a reality check in regards to our marriage, and have made many adjustments in my attitude, she still seems quite satisfied w/ her decision. 8 years for nothing.

 

Thanks. thanks alot. All this from someone I completely trusted to be open with me.

 

So, no. There were no warning signs. She put me under the asumption that once I got my ducks in a row, we'd be back. 1.5 months later, she likes the neighbor a whole lot more than she likes me. She had absolutely no intention of having me back. And when I busted her about the OM? Boy, the poison that flew out of her mouth, and telling me this was my mess. I couldn't believe the woman I loved actually started believing her own stories about me to justify things. More times than not,...... the stories always changed just a little bit.

 

I guess the real lesson I've learned is you really can't trust anyone. Can you?

 

Thats as close to my story as I'm getting. - BTW n9688m, good thread. Should be interesting.

[LostHusband]

I third that. How about, when you are feeling unhappy, talk to your spouse about it? Not talk to some dreamy guy at work about it? My wife told me she was unhappy the last two years of our relationship and that's why she had to leave. How about maybe during the past two years tell me about your feelings instead of waiting until your foot is already out the door??

[n9688m]

So, no. There were no warning signs. She put me under the asumption that once I got my ducks in a row, we'd be back. 1.5 months later, she likes the neighbor a whole lot more than she likes me. She had absolutely no intention of having me back. And when I busted her about the OM? Boy, the poison that flew out of her mouth, and telling me this was my mess. I couldn't believe the woman I loved actually started believing her own stories about me to justify things. More times than not,...... the stories always changed just a little bit.

 

That is remarkably similar to my situation - and to others I have read.

 

The more I think about it, I just can't believe that this degree of certainty about the need to divorce with no warning and no potential for reconciliation could happen due to some behavior on the part of the husband in the marriage. I think instead it is likely that the woman just picked the wrong husband all along.

 

Continuing the theory... the comment was made in this thread and others that once a woman decides she is "done" then she is really done and there is no going back. Ok but why is that the case? Might it be that women are more likely to marry for reasons other than love, i.e. women might marry for money or security and might even marry a man without good physical chemistry? On the other hand I think men would be less likely to marry a woman they are not emotionally and physically attracted to. So if this is true and a woman winds up in a marriage to a man she does not love for the right reasons and/or is not truly attracted to physically, she is basically living a lie. Someday that lie must end and a good way to end it would be in a sudden outburst of unhappiness with anger falsely projected back to the husband. And once that process starts, there can be no reconciiation or productive discussion about "why" because all of that would run counter to the fundamental truth that these women have been "living a lie" for years and now desperately want out of that lie.

[PWSX3]

In our class the other evening we were talking about this.

 

I don't know if this was your situation but a woman is a wife, then a mom & she puts all her energy into being these people, then once the kids are grown up they start to wonder who they are, what they are going to do & so they feel they need to leave to find who they are.

 

Again I feel this is a easy way out, why can't they find who they are in the marriage? I know 2 years ago when me & the stbxw separated she told me when our son went out to visit my sister for the summer she asked herself now what do I do?

 

Yesterday I was talking with my biking buddy & her & her husband are going to counseling right now. She was really surprised to hear how much different her H sees there marriage. He sees it as sure they have there problems but besides that things are good.

 

She sees it as things are not good, she had already thought once there kid was out of high school in two years that she would leave then so in her mind she was already planning on leaving in two years & her husband would have had no idea things were so bad.

 

She is learning that he does love her a lot & that she needs to work on there marriage.

 

Men & woman see relationships a lot different and unless we talk about it you will never know.

 

There is a preacher/comedian that I was watching on the internet that was talking about how woman only ask one time but us as men need to hear it more then once. It was really funny because all the woman he asked said the same thing; but we shouldn't have to ask him more then once. His answer was; YES YOU DO!!!! Guys don't get it the first time.

 

In my situations I asked the stbxw if she had done everything she could have done & she said; probably not but she was done, didn't want to work on it anymore so to me that is taking the easy way out!!! To me that is BS!!

[whichwayisup]

I am really puzzled by the phenomenon of the "walkaway wife syndrome." In particular I have a hard time with the concept that a wife could be OK with a marriage one day and then the next - boom - it's time for divorce with no hope for reconciliation. That's basically what my STBXW did with me and I just don't understand how this is possible.

 

Sadly, chances are she emotionally detached herself from you and the marriage a long time ago. Once one person decides a marriage is really over in their head and they want out, there's nothing you can do to make them stay.

 

Sorry you're in pain. She handled this badly and could have made things easier by communicating with you a long time ago.

[n9688m]

Sadly, chances are she emotionally detached herself from you and the marriage a long time ago.

 

Yes, I agree with that.

 

The question in my mind is not so much why she has now left but rather why she stayed so long at all. Even more importantly, my question is why did she stay so long without asking to go to counseling? And why did she pretend she was happy for all that time - lots of "I love you," lots of planning for the future, very frequent sex, not a sole in the world who suspected there were any issues in the marriage.

 

My theory - and I am interested in thoughts about this - is that marriages can fail either because of behavioral issues with the partners or because two two people just are not fundamentally a good match. If a wife realizes there are behavioral issues (such as spending money or how to spend weekend time) then the marriage is ripe for counseling. But if the wife fundamentally realizes she just married the wrong person (such as lack of physical chemistry or fundamental mismatched values) then there is simply no point to counseling.

 

My theory is that the "walkaway wife syndrome," i.e. a "surprise divorce," may occur because the wife fundamentally marries the wrong person or for the wrong reason. That would explain why these wives keep their "secret" for years, it would explain why they tend to give inconsistent answers about why they leave, it would explain why they want to project the fault onto their spouse in the form of anger as a defense mechanism, and it would explain the emotional wall these women put up to prevent any possibility of reconciliation. An affair my complicate the situation but in fact the affair may simply be the catalyst for the wife to execute the plan that had been brewing for years.

[dead-dyke]

I'm not entirely sure about no chemistry. I mean, she didn't marry me for my money. And vice versa. Technically speaking, we had all of nothing. And that's alot. Now, as far as the neighbor? I wonder just how long she was secretly in love w/ him. She had met him several years before, and I had been childhood friends w/ him. He was in our wedding for god sake. Which I hate, especially now.

 

But it's like an oportunity came and he was having issues w/ his own world, including a wife that left him a year prior. As soon as we started having issues, she went to his aid and wrote me off. So, when opportunity knocks, who doesn't answer? Well I initially took my vows seriously, but she seems to have not had the same morals. Now, I have forgiven, because it's the only way I could detach. She is aware of this, and it matters not. She was justified in some of her actions, as I played a roll to push it in this direction, but she is not even willing to consider trying anything. It's easier to walk away. I've never struck her. I've never cheated on her. We had arguments, but who doesn't.

 

In her 'explanation e-mail' , she claimed some things that boggle my mind, and 1 that really sticks out, is she told me I don't want kids. Those words have never been uttered out of my mouth, ever. We were waiting until my employment issue got cleared up, before we started trying. Makes sense, no? Well with her actions, and by what I have read in these forums, I believe she is finally correct. I don't want children if it's this easy to walk.

 

That being said, everyone told me when we were getting married she was so happy, ecstatic, etc., etc., and was happy afterwards, from what I've been told. Everyone said she married me for the right reasons, including some of her closest family members. Now true, this OM has more money and is materially better off, but he has waaay more issues with himself than I ever had. But that's what she chose, & this is what I have to live with.

[LostHusband]

I don't think its as simple as n9688m puts it. I really can't see all "walkaway wives" walking away because they married the wrong person. I'm sure most wives who leave were very much in love when they got married (my wife cried tears of joy when I proposed). I think the daily routines, the extra work, the stretches of boredom, the lack of excitement, lack of butterflies in the stomach they get from their husbands (the way things used to be when people start dating), get to many women and they begin to fall out of love. The problem is, they just let it happen, thinking something must be wrong with their marriage, thinking they married the wrong person. Sometimes it turns out it was the wrong person, sometimes they realize too late that they were in fact married to the right person but they can no longer go back.

[hooghie]

Whatever....

 

God I get so tired of people saying "I gave him/her time to change" or "he/she should have figured out there was something wrong". I say BS, you need to step up to the plate if there is something wrong, don't expect the other person to figure it out every time.

 

It takes truly committed people to make a relationship work, not the easy cop-out of excuses. Also, it's common for the person leaving a relationship (particularly cheaters) to rationalize their decision with ease cop-outs like this.

 

You made a judgment that I didn't step up and you are 100% wrong. I DID step up to the plate...for years. For years I tried. For years I reached out and got only apathy. YEARS. I wanted m/c- he was against it. I am a huge communicator so believe me, he had ample opportunity.Instead of making judgments- take a step back. Ask yourself, were there signs? Did she tell you things were wrong? Did you notice changes?

[Rooster_DAR]

You made a judgment that I didn't step up and you are 100% wrong.

 

I stand corrected, you are absolutely right here.

 

Ask yourself, were there signs? Did she tell you things were wrong? Did you notice changes?

 

Nope, she said nothing of a kind even when asked. Yes, there were clear signs of something wrong, but unfortunately she was working in another state for nearly six months. My attempts to get any answers to the problems were met with resistance and dodging the issues. My guess is because the O/P she was connecting to was working side by side with her, I did not have much of a chance here.

[whichwayisup]

. Even more importantly, my question is why did she stay so long without asking to go to counseling? And why did she pretend she was happy for all that time - lots of "I love you," lots of planning for the future, very frequent sex, not a sole in the world who suspected there were any issues in the marriage.

 

I guess people grow apart and she chose to suck it up and try to just be in the moment. I don't know..But, this is something you need to ask her - Hopefully one day she can give you these answers.

 

Maybe something in her changed and she ignored it, for as long as she could, or maybe she just fell out of love - The kind of love a woman should have for her husband. She does still love you but doesn't 'feel' that emotional attachment to you anymore.

[sumdude]

Who knows... I can say that since my own wife walked away wihtout warning I have learned far more than I ever wanted about women.. no I'm not making a blanket statement about all women but I see more and more things that make it hard to keep faith.

 

Just last night I was at a wedding.. the couple getting married were both prevously married. I like themn bothg a lot and think they'll be good together.

 

There was another guest there, she came with her husband. Late that night I ended up at one of the hotel rooms for an after party. This woman was there and she was all over the best man and her husband nowhere to be found. One of her comments was "Heh, my husband has called ten times and I'm not answering.". Her tone was so nasty in a condescending way as if he was less than human. Sure I have no clue what thier marriage is like but to see that kind of action at a wedding was just so... blech..

 

I think many times women... and men I suppose, hold onto a marriage they may not be satisfied with for the same reason we keep jobs we may not like. Until a better one comes along or you get the balls to just leave it. Meanwhile you don't tell your current boss you want to leave because you still want to get paid. Suddenly someone's surprised.. because they have been holding out on the truth. Marriages aren't jobs and poeple get deeply hurt when they realize they've been played by the one person in thier lives they though they could trust and count on.

[n9688m]

I think the daily routines, the extra work, the stretches of boredom, the lack of excitement, lack of butterflies in the stomach they get from their husbands (the way things used to be when people start dating), get to many women and they begin to fall out of love. The problem is, they just let it happen, thinking something must be wrong with their marriage, thinking they married the wrong person. Sometimes it turns out it was the wrong person, sometimes they realize too late that they were in fact married to the right person but they can no longer go back.

 

That sounds like a reasonable explanation. But how can someone who cares enough to get married - and even bear children with someone - let it go so far that it is over without trying counseling or talking about the problem much earlier? That's the part I just can't get.

[n9688m]

YEARS. I wanted m/c- he was against it.

 

Then by that description you are not a "walkaway wife."

[n9688m]

But, this is something you need to ask her - Hopefully one day she can give you these answers.

 

I suspect I will never get an answer because she is too focused on claiming everything is my fault - mostly minutiae like keeping my office messy at home or running late to events. She says "If you loved me you wouldn't do that stuff" --> that sounds like a copout to me to address the real issue of either (a) She left me for the OM or (b) She simply married the wrong person.

 

My counselor from IC says that only a tiny percentage of divorces (maybe 5%) result in true closure where the couples discuss and agree on what went wrong. I guess it's just too painful for either spouse to admit his or her part in a divorce. As for me, I'll certainly admit to lots of things which would have merited counseling and/or discussion, but I don't ever see accepting fault for divorce. I just can't see two adults going from "I love you forever" one day to "We are irreconcilable" the next day - that just does not compute.

[PWSX3]

Well it's really simple if you want to be honest.

 

Woman are nuts!!!! (going to put on my flame suit:laugh:)

[dead-dyke]

Well it's really simple if you want to be honest.

 

Woman are nuts!!!! (going to put on my flame suit:laugh:)

 

 

Tell ya what - I'll get mine, and stand right with you.

[soserious1]

I third that. How about, when you are feeling unhappy, talk to your spouse about it? Not talk to some dreamy guy at work about it? My wife told me she was unhappy the last two years of our relationship and that's why she had to leave. How about maybe during the past two years tell me about your feelings instead of waiting until your foot is already out the door??

 

Funny, anytime I tried to speak with my husband, if the convo wasn't about beer, sports, the big tits on our waitress or centered around something that I was going to do for him, the eye rolling,tooth sucking and toe tapping impatient signs of contempt began from him within about 2 minutes after I started speaking.

 

I doubt my ex is unusual.. from what I've seen in my own relationships and those of my peers, men are not particularly interested in speaking with women about issues that are concerns to women, they pay scant attention ,become dismissive and contemptous quickly.. and they are always shocked when finally the boom is lowered and a divorce is requested.By the time I filed I'd been sleeping on the sofa for about 1 year, a move I'd made after many attempt to verbally comuinicate my unhappiness fell on deaf,uncaring ears.. and yet he was shocked when I filed.