Walkaway Wife Syndrome Theory

[PWSX3]

Funny, anytime I tried to speak with my husband, if the convo wasn't about sports, the big tits on our waitress or centered around something that I was going to do for him, the eye rolling,tooth sucking and toe tapping impatient signs of contempt began from him within about 2 minutes after I started speaking.

Funny thing that is probably how my stbxw also feels or felt, just might have been different topics. I never could understand I could talk/listen to other females like at work or whatever but I could never communicate with the wife.

[n9688m]

By the time I filed I'd been sleeping on the sofa for about 1 year, a move I'd made after many attempt to verbally comuinicate my unhappiness fell on deaf,uncaring ears.. and yet he was shocked when I filed.

 

Then you are not a "walkaway wife" and thus your situation is different from that we are discussing here of true "surprise" divorces.

[PWSX3]

I just find it amazing that people stay together because we (men & woman) are so different.

 

Someone told me that we are Gods entertainment. He gave Adam Eve then sat back & said; lets see you can get along?

[Rooster_DAR]

Again, men and women are not supposed to stay together from an evolutionary standpoint, however some can do it with a bit of work.

 

Interesting fact:

During the initial courtship of a new relationship, men become more like the woman and develop a more sensitive and tolerant demeanor, and the woman becomes more like the man and sustains a high level of testosterone and becomes more of an aggressor.

[TrustInYourself]

My wife was similar in the fact that the week before she told me she was moving out, I had no indications of her coming move or her deep desire to separate/divorce. I knew there was problems of course, but to the extent that they would end our 3 year marriage and 10 year relationship?

 

We had sex 3x a week as well. Unfortunately that is no indication of love, lol. She made time for me, she was extra caring and nice before she moved out. It was a pretty big surprise to find out she had been looking for a place for two months prior and had already set up separate bank accounts, etc.

 

I knew she was unhappy and withdrawn. I know that she occasionally threw out that she wanted to take a break and asked if I thought the same. I knew there were issues, but I figured with time they would just go away.

 

It's not really about women or men, but a lack of understanding. It's also a lack of communication. I think a major contributor is also the fact that we get into our routines and forget that it actually takes romance and passion to keep a marriage going. That's difficult when you have bills, children, and obligations. It's rough.

 

I definitely feel like there are quite a few people out there that would rather quit a relationship like it's a high school/college romance, rather than work out a marriage they feel unhappy in. For so many people, it's easier to just start over without all the mistakes and pain. It may be easier, but marriage isn't exactly about doing what's easiest or most fun. I think many of the mistakes you made in the prior relationship need to be addressed before you can be ready for another relationship.

 

Blah. TBH, I don't think people marry for the wrong reasons. I think they choose to forget those reasons for the sake of immediate/temporary gratification.

[SingleDad]

So many things ring true with my WAW.

 

I have also heard the story - I think from one of the books I was reading. "Woman's Infidelity" I think...(Written by a woman who believes women are not monogomous anymore and the truth of affairs is just as common from women - but not as frequently known as man's affairs).

 

I do not want this to sound sexist, but this is what I read (I am sure very similar situations can exist the other way around with the male having the affair)...

 

1. The woman finds the right man (she has always been taught to be monogomous)

2. Convinces the man to take the next step and commit to marriage.

3. Build on the marriage with home, finances etc.

4. Have a child or children.

5. Then evaluates her life - she has the man, the house and the children... everything she has wanted from the time she was very young... But realizes that having all of these things she has always wanted and is still not happy.

6. Tries to push or change her husband to make her happy - often with no results - can't mold the man she married into what she wants.

7. Is so unhappy that she finds happpiness outside of the marriage - in another man who comforts her in her complaints about her aweful husband.

8. Still thinking she has to be monogomous - she either keeps the affair secret or has to get a divorce bacause she can't be with both men.

 

Author indicates that society has to learn to catch up with the reality that women can be not be any more monogomous than men can be.

 

 

The above seems to be exactly what happened to my marriage.

 

There is no turning back on my W's decision... She made a decision that I was not the man for her - she did try to get through to me as Venus, but being from Mars I did not understand... and is now off with another man (do not know if the OM was the ultimate cause of the separation or just a result of it.)

 

I do not think my marriage has a chance in hell of surviving unless my W runs into enough heartbreak from the OM or other men that she realizes she did not have it too bad and to try to make an attempt at family again... But that could be years from now and too late.

[TrustInYourself]

So many things ring true with my WAW.

 

I have also heard the story - I think from one of the books I was reading. "Woman's Infidelity" I think...(Written by a woman who believes women are not monogomous anymore and the truth of affairs is just as common from women - but not as frequently known as man's affairs).

 

I do not want this to sound sexist, but this is what I read (I am sure very similar situations can exist the other way around with the male having the affair)...

 

1. The woman finds the right man (she has always been taught to be monogomous)

2. Convinces the man to take the next step and commit to marriage.

3. Build on the marriage with home, finances etc.

4. Have a child or children.

5. Then evaluates her life - she has the man, the house and the children... everything she has wanted from the time she was very young... But realizes that having all of these things she has always wanted and is still not happy.

6. Tries to push or change her husband to make her happy - often with no results - can't mold the man she married into what she wants.

7. Is so unhappy that she finds happpiness outside of the marriage - in another man who comforts her in her complaints about her aweful husband.

8. Still thinking she has to be monogomous - she either keeps the affair secret or has to get a divorce bacause she can't be with both men.

 

Author indicates that society has to learn to catch up with the reality that women can be not be any more monogomous than men can be.

 

 

The above seems to be exactly what happened to my marriage.

 

There is no turning back on my W's decision... She made a decision that I was not the man for her - she did try to get through to me as Venus, but being from Mars I did not understand... and is now off with another man (do not know if the OM was the ultimate cause of the separation or just a result of it.)

 

I do not think my marriage has a chance in hell of surviving unless my W runs into enough heartbreak from the OM or other men that she realizes she did not have it too bad and to try to make an attempt at family again... But that could be years from now and too late.

 

I disagree wholeheartedly. Monogamy is a choice and decision as well as marriage. Human beings are thinking creatures. We do not rely on instincts or primal sexual attractions to control our behavior and actions, unless we decide otherwise.

 

Any person making decisions based on other's actions for validation of their own behavior are doomed to be unhappy for the rest of thier lives. Self-gratification and happiness only serve people short term. It's giving and loving that reward long term. Hence, why we subjectively choose to undergo the "torment" that is marriage.

 

What is happiness if you can not share happiness with another whom you love more than life?

[SingleDad]

I disagree wholeheartedly. Monogamy is a choice and decision as well as marriage. Human beings are thinking creatures. We do not rely on instincts or primal sexual attractions to control our behavior and actions, unless we decide otherwise.

 

Any person making decisions based on other's actions for validation of their own behavior are doomed to be unhappy for the rest of thier lives. Self-gratification and happiness only serve people short term. It's giving and loving that reward long term. Hence, why we subjectively choose to undergo the "torment" that is marriage.

 

What is happiness if you can not share happiness with another whom you love more than life?

 

I'm sorry - I did not mean to suggest that I agree with this.... This is what WAW often do when they have an affair - how the affair happens. (Similar goes for WAH I'm sure). Obviously I disagree this and with my W - I am the one left behind while my W is living a new life.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm sorry - I did not mean to suggest that I agree with this.... This is what WAW often do when they have an affair - how the affair happens. (Similar goes for WAH I'm sure). Obviously I disagree this and with my W - I am the one left behind while my W is living a new life.

 

How are you holding up since you've accepted things a bit more? Is work looking up? I hope so!

[LostHusband]

So many things ring true with my WAW.

 

I have also heard the story - I think from one of the books I was reading. "Woman's Infidelity" I think...(Written by a woman who believes women are not monogomous anymore and the truth of affairs is just as common from women - but not as frequently known as man's affairs).

 

I do not want this to sound sexist, but this is what I read (I am sure very similar situations can exist the other way around with the male having the affair)...

 

1. The woman finds the right man (she has always been taught to be monogomous)

2. Convinces the man to take the next step and commit to marriage.

3. Build on the marriage with home, finances etc.

4. Have a child or children.

5. Then evaluates her life - she has the man, the house and the children... everything she has wanted from the time she was very young... But realizes that having all of these things she has always wanted and is still not happy.

6. Tries to push or change her husband to make her happy - often with no results - can't mold the man she married into what she wants.

7. Is so unhappy that she finds happpiness outside of the marriage - in another man who comforts her in her complaints about her aweful husband.

8. Still thinking she has to be monogomous - she either keeps the affair secret or has to get a divorce bacause she can't be with both men.

 

Author indicates that society has to learn to catch up with the reality that women can be not be any more monogomous than men can be.

 

 

The above seems to be exactly what happened to my marriage.

 

There is no turning back on my W's decision... She made a decision that I was not the man for her - she did try to get through to me as Venus, but being from Mars I did not understand... and is now off with another man (do not know if the OM was the ultimate cause of the separation or just a result of it.)

 

I do not think my marriage has a chance in hell of surviving unless my W runs into enough heartbreak from the OM or other men that she realizes she did not have it too bad and to try to make an attempt at family again... But that could be years from now and too late.

 

That pretty much sums it up perfectly. On par with everything else I've read on this subject. Some wives just rely way to much on their husbands to make them happy, while husbands are happy being themselves and loving the fact that they have a wife.

[Rooster_DAR]

That pretty much sums it up perfectly. On par with everything else I've read on this subject. Some wives just rely way to much on their husbands to make them happy, while husbands are happy being themselves and loving the fact that they have a wife.

 

Absolutely, I read that book about 2 years ago and it made a lot of sense. One of the core ideas it preaches is that American women are brought up to believe in an unrealistic portrayal of chivalry and family life. Modern women are told by their mothers that a knight in shining armor will sweep you away forever, and you will have the perfect life.

 

That book is very intuitive, I would recommend women and men both to read through it.

[smileysmile]

The problem that men don't seem to get is that (generally) when a woman is finally done- she is DONE and there is no turning back for her. Whatever she once felt is gone. I gave my ex ample time and opportunities to fix our marriage but he ignored them. When he saw that I was serious about leaving him- he was finally ready to go to M/C and do all of the things I had wanted for years. It was way too late. I was done and there was nothing he could do to change my mind.

Women are certainly different. Definately. Once that 'switch' goes off that is it! END OF!!

 

This quote sounds like my STBXW. The pain I am still feeling even after 15 mths

I have no idea if that switch can be switched back on. Women have this wall up and there heart is closed..sometimes permanently.

 

I have no idea what they feel afterwards. Sense of loss etc But gawd does it hurt. Because I know where I went wrong. She was upfront with the changes I had to make because I was killing the relationship. She mentioned MC etc but later on she said my heart wasn't in it etc.

The wake up call came when she was serious and said ..thats' it! I'm done.

 

She wanted to grow old with me. Have another child with our beautiful 22 mth old daughter. She was gutted but didn't want to live in an atmosphere.

 

I think the 1st and 2nd year of living together (getting to know each other, differences and tolerances to each others differences) can be a little unsettled because you are living together and you both have ways of doing things. It isn't like when you first date and you drop by there house and pick them up to go to the cinema, dancing or for a meal.

In my situation it was a whirlwind. First 2 mths she moved in with me in my previous marital home, 2 mths later we moved into a 4 bed detached house. The 5th month together we got engaged. 12 mths later she was pregnant, then married 3 mths after that, honeymoons to Greece and then 9 mths later she is leaving me.

The atmosphere was sometimes volatile, BUT only in our own house. We otherwise got on but it was my intlolerances to certain differences. I still fancy her like mad. I still have feelings for her. I can't get closure because of our daughter.

 

My story is in the forum somewhere. In a nutshell I still have major feelings for her but I am not deluded that realistically so much time has passed and too much water under the bridge that we could reconcile.

 

She has been with another fella (which was a few mths after we separated with a co worker...(now ended). She is now on the same dating site as me as she has tried to spell it out to me...MOVE ON!!

 

Who knows what is around the corner..

[Taramere]

I doubt my ex is unusual.. from what I've seen in my own relationships and those of my peers, men are not particularly interested in speaking with women about issues that are concerns to women, they pay scant attention ,become dismissive and contemptous quickly..

 

 

I can imagine you trying to make your husband listen to you. Putting time and energy into figuring out when the time to broach a subject might be, whether he seems in the mood to listen, how to present it in a way he'll find worthy of his attention and how to deal with the feelings of rejection if and when he rolls his eyes dismissively and contemptuously. Staying under the same roof as someone you can't communicate with is infinitely lonelier than physically being alone.

 

Men can become alienated from their wives for exactly the same reason. Some men are great communicators/warm people who, for whatever reason, once thought they could be happy with cold and unresponsive women. Or sometimes it's the cold and unresponsive people who walk away. Maybe because something inside them's missing, and they place the blame for that on their partner or the relationship for not being successful in filling the void.